You have to earn respect? O/T maybe, but I think it fits
I've seen this posted many times, and I have to say, I disagree. I see this as one of the biggest problems in our society, but also specifically in the step situations.
As an adult, there is a certain level of respect that should be given by others, even by other adults. I'm not saying "worship the ground I walk on" respect, but we wonder why some of the problems exist. It's because there is no respect. . .no respect of space, time, possessions, etc. I see this happen time and time again. BM doesn't respect DH to make decisions on his time with the kids. Skids don't respect the stepmom/dad because BM PAS's them or because they don't feel the stepparent has done enough to "earn" their respect.
Maybe I am an old soul, but I was raised that adults are to be respected. period. dot. It doesn't matter if you like them, what they are telling you to do, or what tone they say things in. You respect them because they are your elder, and their life experiences have taught them more than you know.
In our home, we have had situations where that phrase has been thrown out, and it's been squelched quickly. The kids have said it saying this like "well, mommy said that I don't have to listen to EJ because. . ." This, to me, is teaching a child to be disrespectful.
I realize that, in time, more respect does need to be developed, but that will take TIME. and I wouldn't say it's earned, it's developed by developing a deeper relationship with the skids, partner, etc. This is a soapbox for me. I'm so tired of hearing that excuse of "respect has to be EARNED". It makes me feel like there's no respect for anyone, and you can throw that excuse out whenever someone does something to piss you off.
By definition, civility is
By definition, civility is formal politeness and courtesy in behavior or speech. Politeness is a courteous manner that respects accepted social usage.
Respect means admire (someone or something) deeply, as a result of their abilities, qualities, or achievements.
A kid saying "yes ma'am" is, by definition, respectful. However, in actuality, most of the times I've heard kids say it, it's with an attitude. That attitude makes it extremely disrespectful. Granted, it's all in the context of what is being said. Children of today, whether they are children of divorce or not, are not respectful to adults. I firmly believe it's because they have been taught, by either action or lack or consequence, that they don't have to respect anything or anyone.
And what if the bio parent won't take the lead? Are all the other adults in the kid's life just supposed to allow that rude, disrespectful behavior?
As a stepmom, I haven't had a big issue--yet. I know as the kids enter their teen years it will be more of an issue. It doesn't matter to me if I am their parent or not. You will respect adults in our home. There are consequences if you don't. DH and I are on the same page, and I am not the driving force. However, if DH doesn't deal with something (not there, didn't see it), I will. Not to circumvent his authority, but to make sure the kids know it doesn't matter who is watching--respect is required.
Adults should be respected.
Adults should be respected. However, being polite to someone(saying yes, no, please, thank you, not talking back....) isn't the same as having respect for them.
So if I understand what
So if I understand what you're saying correctly, it doesn't matter who that person may be and what position of authority they may hold. Respect must be earned? I see respect in the form of levels, not just respect vs. Common courtesy.
so what happens when that person in authority happens to be your boss and you don't respect them? You question what they tell you to do you? Do you demand answers as to why you are supposed to listen to what they say you? Do you demand they explain every aspect of what they're asking you to do? What tone do you take?
Not everyone who is in a position of authority is a jackass. Not everyone in a position of authority is going to abuse that a authority. I am a teacher, so I deal with all different kinds of kids on a daily basis. I see kids you know what it is to be respectful, & I see kids who've been taught that it's okay to be disrespectful. For example, I had a student who I asked to get off his cell phone three separate times within a five minute time span. After the third time I was more direct and more authoritative in what I said. The child then turns to me and says 'you need to chill I need to text and you can't tell me that I can't.' When I told him that was disrespectful he said 'you disrespected me first because you told me I had to do something that I didn't want to do'.
I guess my point is more
I guess my point is more this...kids don't respond the same way as adults. As adults, we know we can't act that way to our bosses, as it would mean our jobs. However, when a child does the same thing--questions everything, constantly giving attitude, etc--how do you teach them that's disrespectful?
My husband works with people from all different ages. He really dislikes working with people in their late teens/twenties. It's the attitude that they have that's the problem. He's their supervisor, and he gets flack from them when they are confronted with taking breaks on the clock, or wasting the company time on their cell phones, or creating distractions with pranks. There's no respect for the company or my husband as their supervisor.
I don't expect blind obedience, but I do expect a certain level of respect.
I never said respect means
I never said respect means blindly follow. But questioning everything you are told to do?
What would you do if that turned on you? I don't know you, & I don't know your daughter, but from what I've seen the kids that argue most are the kids parents don't teach them to respect.
I was taught that arguing with an adult was not correct- it was not respectful. It doesn't mean that you blindly follow what they say but there's a right way to approach someone who's any position of authority whom you disagree with rather than just automatically arguing with them trying to prove your point.
I think children should use
I think children should use manners and speak politely to others, especially their elders. I don't think children should argue back with their elders. But respect, I think has to be earned. You don't just get it because you are an adult. That's like saying all doctors, teachers, priests, politicians, judges etc., deserve to be respected because they have a title. No one has a God given right to respect, it has to be earned. Not all adults deserve respect. If that was the case kids would have to respect Charles Manson, after all he is an adult. Not a fit role model, but an adult non the less.
I grew up in that generation where kids had to unquestioningly respect adults. Look how many kids where harmed by clergy because they just had to do whatever the adult told them to do without question, even though they knew in their gut it was wrong. But heaven forbid you say anything bad about an adult.
Manners should always be shown, respect, earned.
My mom never ever put up with
My mom never ever put up with any of us disrespecting our sf. We just knew she would not tolerate it. We also knew there was no way our sf would tolerate it. Guess what? We didn't disrespect our sf
My H's eldest on the other hand, has been a complete disrespectful B*&^% to both her step-parents. Why? Because H and BM tolerated it...and sadly so did BM's H. and myself :?
However once I made it clear to H I would no longer be tolerating even an ounce of disrespect from his eldest - and followed through by totally calling her on her BS, guess what? No (open anyway) disrespect.
Sure she connives and orchestrates and tries to set me up to look like a bad guy, but after she got over the shock of me standing right up to her and calling her out on her behavior, she changed her behavior in this area
You are correct, respect should never have to be earned. People should automatically be polite and respectful to one another :?
I think people get hung up on
I think people get hung up on the actual word "respect." I think most of us agree that we should be polite and courteous to people around us until they deserve otherwise.
I can't stand people who walk around proclaiming their respect MUST be earned. I don't really care. I'm not a bad person; I'm friendly, polite, considerate, generous to most who meet me. I'm certainly not bending over backwards to prove to anyone that I respect them or not. Treat me the same way or be on your way.
I think we're talking in hypotheticals and extremes. There's always that one jerk who demands respect but does nothing to earn it. Kids should taught to be polite, courteous, and respectful; but also to respect themselves and have self esteem. Raising kids is not easy work.
Treat people the way you want to be treated .. respect will fall into place.