Wondering if anyone can help me?
I'm new here - I needed to find someone who could help me with my situation.
I am married to a wonderful man, and we have a beautiful little boy. He was married before and they have a 10yo boy. Their divorce was HORRIBLE. Took years to finalize, was cruel, and just horrible. I was not around until about the time the papers were signed, but I have heard horror stories. Anyway, the ex hates my husband. She even went to far as to try to press charges against him for assault (which no one believed). She uses this as an excuse to refuse to deal with him. My sister-in-law acted as a go-between for years, picking up my SS and handling all of that. it wasn't until well after we were married and I was about 8 months pregnant that she finally decided to exchange SS with me instead of making me drive an hour away to get the kid. (Which also co-incided with her and her boyfriend who lived that far away breaking up.) Now, she deals exclusively with me. And I can't stand it. She drives me insane, and I hate having to deal with all her crap. (She is of course, crazy.) I just hate it. (It doesn't help that I never lost the baby weight and she is super thin, super tan and super blonde.) She is always telling me stuff that I either don't care to know (like reminding me on their anniversary how long they would have been married) or she knows will upset me (like, telling me how broke she is when SS tells me - after I hand her an extra $200 check - that mommy bought him a new iphone "just because"). I've convinced her to call my husband about certain things (like money, or when she decided she wanted SS every Christmas), but the general weekend-to weekend stuff is handled by me.
Is anyone else in this position?? How do you deal with it?? It's going on 2 and a half years now, and yeah, in some ways it's gotten easier, but .... I don't know how long I can keep playing this game, and I am fairly certain that despite the leaps and bounds they've made communication wise that she will ever let my husband pick up SS himself. (Let's throw in there that she won't even let me pick SS up from school because she "just isn't comfortable giving me that kind of authority".) Help? Please?
What does the custody
What does the custody agreement say?
I don't understand why your
I don't understand why your husb is not allowed to pick them up?
Is this court ordered?
YOu are a better person then me because there is no way in hell that would become my job.
I will go and pickup my ss16 once in a while because my husb is a work late and it's a long drive but that's it.
The parenting plan says my
The parenting plan says my SIL has to meet the ex halfway between their homes. I am no where on anything. But that was years ago. And neither the ex nor us are willing to spend the money to take it back to court right now. We have a bunch of notarized schedule changes that she types up and signs.
I also "babysit" SS during the summer so he doesn't have to go to daycare while BM is at work. She just subtracts the daycare payments from child support.
Just my opinion
but if it were me i would have sil continue to do it. This is obviously very stressful for you and it seems that ALL of this is falling on you. She is lucky to have you watching her child so she doesn't have daycare. daycare is a fortune. I was a single mom for a while befoe I married dh and my son went to daycare.
Did you offer to watch the child? Do you mind doing it?
does she really subtract the money?
I *usually* don't mind it.
I *usually* don't mind it. The worst part is seeing BM twice a day!
It's good for the SS, because he sees that we can all get along, and for years all he heard & saw was his parents fighting.
I can't ask my SIL to do it again because it was a huge strain on her family. They have several kids of their own and live an hour away. Dealing with BM was also starting to put a strain on her marriage, because her husband got tired of BM's demands and last minute schedule changes.
Dh keeps hoping that over time BM will relax even more. (Trust me, she has made huge strides in dealing with not just him, but me too.) And SS really appreciates the fact that his mom & I "get along". It also gives him more time with his dad because I am a SAHM and I can adjust my schedule to whatever his mom decides. There's no hour drive to his aunt's and an hour drive to our place.
She does stress me out, mainly with the last minute schedule changes. And I keep telling myself that in the long run, it's worth it. I just can't seem to not let her get under my skin!
(and yes, she really does deduct the day care. She knows that if it went back to court, she'd get even less money because she makes twice what DH makes, and he now has another wife & child to provide for. Our state's custody laws say that the second family is just as important as the first family, and they put a cap on what she can try to take. We do help her out with extra stuff though, like when she cried she needed an extra $200 for bills - which turned out to be a bill for a new iphone.)
an i phone
She is not married to this man anymore, asking him to pay her bills? If her electric was turned off maybe, but even then
he pays CS. I am a bm and a sm and I don't understand this extra money stuff. If child support is being paid then your dh has done his part, especially because as you said he has a new child and wife and has your own bills to pay...
Do you think you can handle the stress of bm getting under your skin when you have to meet her? Can't someone else maybe every other time meet her? I am just worried for you, it is okay to think about what you want and need. It seems the very people who should be responsible for this child leave it all to you. I do agree it is nice for kids to see everyone getting along, but getting along and having everything fall on you are completely different things
wow. the iphone situation
wow. the iphone situation happened to us, too -- exactly the same facts. maybe your BM is my BM's evil twin??? : )
i think this situation sounds incredibly stressful for you. I guess the one piece of advice I can give is that when she tells you something hurtful and random (like how many years they'd have been married) just look her in the eye and say in a neutral, even tone: "why did you tell me that?" This is advice that my friend gave me when dealing with a similar issue, and it works like a charm! Calling someone out on their rude comments flusters and embarrasses them, and they STOP.