Everyday is RED FLAG day
Not married yet, only been dating 6 months. It's been 6 months of hell then a slice of heaven every other weekend when his kids go to their moms. I'm 34, a second year nursing student with no children, not a bad catch if I do say so. Here is the problem.
HIS DAUGHTER! He has two kids, son 13 and daughter 10, full time. From day one I have been seeing red flags. The way she wouldn't let us touch, the way we couldn't have five minutes to ourselves, they way he buys her anything she wants, the way she lays all over him giving me snide looks while she is doing it, the fake "I love you mommy" crap he thinks is cute. She has thrown the death of my only son in my face. She throws a fit if he buys me a gift. My birthday just passed and I actually told him to take back my gift because I wasn't going to have a gift I couldn't even thank him for because she was in the room when he gave it to me and went into pout mood.
Yesterday we went off and the son didn't want to go so it turned into some kinda daddy daughter day. As we rode in the car he kept reaching back and tickling her leg and playing with her, asking if she was okay. No biggy right? Well this child runs with that. Anytime she can get him to pay attention to her and ignore me she takes it to the next level. Next thing I know when we get where we are going she is hanging all over him, interrupting every word I say to pull his attention back to her, asking for everything in the store and he agrees. I find out he let her put the 80 dollars he just pulled out of the ATM in her hello kitty purse, another in a long line of boundaries that don't exist.
The house is decorated in her toys. I kid you not! There is hello kitty crap on the freaking mantle! WE EAT OFF TODDLER PLATES! His bathroom has her crap everywhere and is decorated in pink butterflies.
To make matters worse his parents live in a camper in his yard to help him take care the kids. She runs next door in tears every time she doesn't get her way then it becomes a battle between him and his parents. She has managed to pull me in the mix by running over to say we are having sex in the middle of day with the bedroom door open! They believe her and then its a war zone.
This is the part that breaks my heart. The son. He is a good kid, heart of gold, cares about how everyone around him feels before his own wants. Reminds me a lot of his dad. The son is ignored. He just stays in his room playing video games. One time I tried to include the son and got his father to ask about his day. The daughter runs to her room and gets some school work for him to look at. The son just looks defeated and walks away. I stopped their father and said you were asking about your son's day and brought the attention back to the son. The daughter went into pout mood.
The son is failing school, reading at a 3rd grade level! I offered to work with his son over the summer and help bring him up with his reading. Instead of telling his son this is what you are going to do he asks his son if he wants to do school work with me over the summer. Well DUH! He said no. What 13 year old wants to do school work when there is an x box in the next room?
I been looking at this forum for months trying to figure out if what I am going through is worth it. This is my first post. As I write this I think I have answered my own question.
Yeah I think you did
Yeah I think you did too.
Your boyfriend already has a wife and she is 10. Worse than that your MIL would literally live within spitting distance.
Honestly, if it were me, there would be burn out marks in the carpet by the front door from my feet gaining traction. Running to the hills and escaping the insanity.
I hate to be negative but
I hate to be negative but things never change unless daddy stops playing into all the drama. Even if that happens, do you really want to be a full time mom. Then his parents living in a camper at his home. Do not get me wrong, it is great that his parents are there...too close for comfort for me.
I loved being a mom and I
I loved being a mom and I truly do love his son. I have been tempted to walk out the door many times then I think about his son and don't. Aside from his major parenting issues the BF is really awesome and treats me wonderfully. His parents have only been an issue when his daughter stirs up the pot and I believe the parents would move on with their camper if we actually got more serious. As it stands now I still have my own home and they are still needed because I wont jump in and play mommy. The red flags tell me to keep a distance. I keep waiting to see things change before I am willing to throw my lot in with this crowd. After the little outing yesterday I just don't see it happening. I really felt like a 3rd wheel and the daughter ate it up with a spoon. These kids need a mom and I would be willing to be that person but I can't be the only person in the group who asks for normalcy and boundaries. I guess my question was is the situation to far gone to be saved. By listing all those red flags and taking a step back to look at the big picture I sadly think it is.
I keep waiting to see things
I keep waiting to see things change before I am willing to throw my lot in with this crowd. +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
How long are you willing to wait?
the problem with staying for
the problem with staying for just his son is that he has TWO kids. not just one, unfortunately.
I had the same problem for
I had the same problem for years. Sd is the prize child and must be the center of attention with everyone. When shes here if i pay attention to my own kids, its pouting, temper tantrums, faking sick, anything to get attention. My ss on the other hand is sweet, calm, well-behaved, really the perfect kids minus a couple of personal hygiene issues and poor grades. When i first saw this dynamic i made a point of including ss in activities, and allowing him to choose group activities and making his sister wait her turn. I got calls from bm about being unfair, my husband told me that iwasnt being fair, but i was done having everything dictated by her. Over time, years, she has come to understand that world doesnt revolve around her, i do take just hammie sd time, but when its the group, everyone gets a turn not just sd. Its hard, and there were a lot of blow-ups, but once i got my husband to see through a family video exactly what was happening, it finally changed.
How about just keeping your
How about just keeping your distance from the mess? Give his son your cell number if he wants to talk. But only go over when his kids are with their mother. Or he can come to your place and let his parents watch the kids. But if he is over at your place he is not to just use it as a bed stop (if you get my drift). Go on dates alone with him. If he turns up with his daughter tell him that obviously he misunderstood and this is an adult only date and not for kids. So he is welcome to have a 'wonderful' time with his daughter but you have other adult things to do.
When you establish your ground rules he will have more respect for you... or not. If you are alone with him and he brings up his daughter you can tell him that she obviously takes up a lot of his time. See, he has more time for her than you. And sadly his son will look for other male role models. And when boys don't have those role models at home they seek them elsewhere... like gangs.
So I am sitting here trying
So I am sitting here trying to think how to get out. Thinking maybe I can hang on till the end of this week when they go to their moms for a month and see how things are after that. The daughter was sitting here talking about when she goes to her moms and her father says well you can come home anytime you want, just call and I will come get you.......
Yep there is no hope. Any ideas on how to get out?? What do I say? Its sounds so horrible to say I just can't stand your daughter running my life and relationship.
I would say something like
I would say something like this...
Being a father is more important to you than being a partner. And this is how it should be. I am not their mother and nor should it be a competition for your time and attention. I have noticed Cindy is very needy and doesn't like to share your attention.
So I think it would be a good idea if we cool things for a while until you can get things sorted out with Cindy and she can accept another woman in your life. Greg is a great kid and does anything you ask. Spend time with your kids more and less time with me. And when you can get a meaningful balance, look me up. I may still be around. I hope I am. But we both need to work out what we actually want in a relationship and right now I am competing with your daughter for your attention. Also her running to your parents and lying about us having sex was so out of line it made me feel like throwing up. She shouldn't even KNOW about those kinds of details. So I will move back to my house for the next 3 months and we can meet for lunch on *date* at *place* and see where we are."
Soup_ if you wait until after your staycation with him and without the kids it will be harder for you and easier for him. He will have you there all the time to be with. And then his kids come back and you leave he is STILL occupies with the kids. Leaving the day after they do will give him a taste of his future without anyone to share his life. And this is what he needs. A little taste of how his life will turn out.
And the enabling little comments. Oh wow! BM here did the same thing and nearly alienated OSS from his father. VERY wrong!
I was in the same situation
I was in the same situation almost 2 years ago. Stayed with the guy 3 1/2 years with the hope that he will set boundaries with his daughter.For some time I thought or he fooled me he was doing the work.
In my case there are 2 different BMs. I was in the exact same situation - boy 12-3 neglected and ignored and girl at that time was 9-10 spoiled, seeking attention , sitting in his lap , slept in his room, pouting on Thanksgiving and Christmas because we were all there together and she wanted alone time etc. Now almost 5 years later I am more than happy that I have left. The Bm of his daughter married and is happy , his daughter is happy.
He is dating some secretary woman that lives 3 hours away and supposedly knows his situation and is well equipped to deal with it since she( the poor woman) has brothers who have BMs. So he has found the perfect woman that can deal and cope with his situation without any complaints. Obviously I was not a good fit since I wanted changes to be made and a mutual compromise to be reached. It is called understanding and communication, together doing the work. The new girlfriend does not want to relocate, is not very much interested in his children since he sees them away from her on his every other weekend visitation at his mother`s house. Looks like he goes to see the girlfriend on his free weekends and sometimes she will drive to see him.He refers to these visits as visiting out of town. He cannot afford the apartment he is in( the BM sued him for child support and got good lawyers) so he will go back to live with his mother and father and drive 4 hours every day back and forth to work save money. He also wants better for himself and will spend the summer with his kids at his mom`s thinking how to do better in his life.
I was told flat out almost 2 years ago that nothing will change in his situation. His mother and him yelled that in my face actually.
I told him that I am walking away so that he can focus on his children.
I think that you should not waste time on him and move on fast from this mess.
This is my story and it is very similar to the issues that I had. The reason I left was that I realized that he will pit the feelings of BM , his daughter and his mother before mine. I was a week from marrying this man and I am so happy I did not.
You deserve someone that will love you , respect your feelings and cherish you.
Take good care of you! Love and respect yourself!
I believe I have read the
:jawdrop:
I believe I have read the STer's label this kind of behavior "emotional incest" if I am correct? Your BF is tapped & sick to be allowing his daughter to act like that and get away with all that you listed and to be enabling/ going along with it as well.
Shame on him. You deserve better.
Girl........................6
Girl........................6 months? GTFO! What are you still doing there? You don't need to compete with a 10 year old for affection! lmao. How ridiculous. Look i'm sure he's a "nice guy", but you can get someone who will focus on you 100%. EASY.
I agree with all the other
I agree with all the other posts above. There are more than enough red flags here. The longer you stay the harder it will be to get out and the longer it will take you to get over him. You might be too hard on yourself thinking perhaps that if YOU could just make a go of it, after all, he is the perfect guy, except for ....a long list of things starting with the parents in a camper in the back yard. Ummm....not exactly a good situation from a lot of viewpoints. Obviously he supports them and if you marry this guy, so will you. It is really very true that when we marry the spouse we marry the family. It is so easy for all of us to forget that.
You are 34 with a great career as a nurse. You have unlimited employment opportunities as you know. You likely are a very financially independent woman. Go out there and find a man who is similar, who doesn't have to support his parents and who doesn't have a "disneyland daddy" complex. It really will only get worse. There are some men out there ( your age or a bit younger) who do not have kids yet.
Good luck. Put yourself first PLEASE because he won't.
If I were you, I wouldn't
If I were you, I wouldn't stay involved. I was in a similar situation and it did not get better. Older SS was just like your SD. So clingy, it was totally weird and at times scary. Younger SS was the forgotten one. He spent most of his time locked in his room, due to abuse from older SS and being ignored by his dad. He really liked me and we got along well. Then as he got older he began ignoring me and went to the "other side". In other words, he turned on me.
It has been a struggle and I am unhappy. I actually come from a blended family that worked, making it even harder for me to understand...My advice, run to the nearest exit... You have a lot going for you.