THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED AND BM CAME OUT!!!
Ok, I mentioned some things in past posts but I need to combine them all. FDH has gone to email only communication and BM has flipped her SH!T
Background:
FSD12 cut her foot on BM time, BM took her to get stitches. She is supposed to get her stitches out on FDH time. Wednesday we saw BM at one of the kid's ball games. I said, in front of FDH, BM, BM boyfriend, and 2 of the kids, that I would make an appointment for Monday for her to get her stitches out. Thursday BM sends a text to FDH saying she made the kids appt for Monday at a time that FDH and I are both at work.
So FDH sent her this email
Monday night after (blanks) ballgame, I am taking the kids to (VACATION) in (BLANK LOCATION).
We will be back in time for BLACNKS's ball game Wednesday night.
We will be staying at (BLANK HOTEL). The address is BLANK BLANK. Phone: BLANK
(OUTSIDER) and I will both have our cell phones in case of emergency. The kids will have their cell phone but will not be carrying it around all day in the park. If you want to talk to the kids, you can call the kids cell Tuesday night at 8pm.
The kids said you volunteered to take off work to get BLANKS her stitches out. If this is true will you please confirm it for me instead of me hearing it through the kids. If you are not volunteering to take BLANK, I am going to change the appointment to be more convenient for me, since you made the appointment without consulting me, at a time I will be at work.
BM response:
First of all (FDH SHE WROTE HIS NAME ALL IN CAPS), I specifically asked you what time you would like the appointment to be made for on Monday. You said to me, in front of Troy and (THE INJURED GIRL) that late afternoon was best. I made the appointment for the latest time that they had on Monday. I never once went thru the kids to relay any of this information to you. I told INJURED GIRL that I would be at her appointment on Monday. Her stitches are to ne taken out on Monday, no questions asked. She cannot go to (VACATION) until being cleared by her pediatrician. If you cannot get her to the scheduled appointment that was made on Thursday, and that you were made aware of immediately...please let me know right away. I will see that she is picked up so that she is taken of.
Then a min later she sent this:
No more emaills, no more texts! This is supposedly why you contacted a lawyer in the first place. The supposed lack of communication...well here it is again! You won't answer your phone, you don't reply to texts, but somebody is all about sending emails late at night after talking to the kids. From now on, phone calls only! I want to know who it is I'm communicating with!
FDH has only written a response,... NOT SENT IT YET, but here it is so far:
No (BM) I got a lawyer because our "verbal" communication was not working. You do not need to hear my voice for us to make a decision about the kids. I want documentation of everything that is said between us. From now on Emails Only. Anything that is said verbally in the kids drop offs or at a kid's event will be said again in email. Of course in an emergency we should still notify each other immediately by phone, such as when a child is injured, but as far as day to day information involving the kids, it needs to be writen. I am NOT saying I will not communicate with you, only that our communication NEEDS to be documented.
I asked for verification of what the kids had said about BLANKS's appointment. I did not accuse you of going through the kids. Since you took it upon yourself to make an appointment on a day that I have them, I wanted clarification from you of what you were doing. What I did hear was Wednesday at BLANKS's ball game, (OUTSIDER) telling INJURED GIRL she would make the appointment for Monday to get her stitches out. She said that in front of Me, You, BM BOYFRIEND, INJURED GIRL, and OTHER GIRL DAUGHTER. Then you made the appointment Thursday without consulting me and Told me when and where it would be. Again, that time does not work for me and I will be changing it, unless you are saying you will be coming to get INJURED GIRL, taking her to the appointment, and dropping her back off. THIS is exactly why I want documentation of everything involving the kids. When we decide something it needs to be in writing. Our "verbal" communication is what is lacking. If we communicate in emails, in written form, there will be no more "you said" or "I said". There will be specific documentation of what has happened, is happening, and will happen. I am more than capable of taking care of the kids and will see that INJURED GIRL is taken care of. ANd if you are not going to take INJURED GIRL to the appointment YOU made, I will find another medical alternative. And also from now on, I will be making the appointments for the kids when it is on my time.
So,... what do you guys think???
Is it written well enough?? FDH was always whipped by BM doing everything she wanted before I came along. So FDH standing up and doing this is a BIG step if he can keep it up.
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Comments
If you don't want to read it,
If you don't want to read it, then don't. I am quoting conversation, so no. I will not summarize it.
And again, if you don't want to read it, then don't comment on it.
I think fdh is doing fine.
I think fdh is doing fine. However, I hope the child's stitches will be removed before you leave so she can have a fun, hassle free vacation without worrying about getting them infected. Maybe bm knew you both couldn't make it so she decided she'll take her to the appointment? I don't know.
Send this instead: BM, As I
Send this instead:
BM,
As I have advised you previously all non emergent communication regarding the children will be via email. Having email discussions regarding the children should limit the number of misunderstandings, such as the one apparently happening now.
What was expressed at (injured child's name)'s game was that (insert step mothers name) would make her an appointment for the stitches to be removed on (insert date they need to be removed).
1) A request was never made of you to make an appointment.
2) If appointments are needed during my custodial time, I or my spouse will make them as we have the knowledge of what appointment times would be best based off work and home schedules.
3) I do not concent to your picking up(insert injured child's name here) during my custodial time on (insert mondays date) for something you scheduled without my prior knowledge or written consent.
4) Please do not ever again make and appointment or plans for (insert child(ren) names here) on my custodial time without first emailing me and obtaining my consent.
I will be calling (insert name of urgent care center close to your home) on Monday morning to obtain an appointment for the suture removal. I will notify you, via email, of said appointment time. If you wish to attend the appointment you are welcome to join us at the center.
Thank you for your understanding
(insert DH)
PS: This is not the opening of the gates of hell. This is her thinking about reaching for the key to unlock the gates so she can open them later.
If your DH has never stood up to her and is just starting to now expect her behavior to ramp up and get worse not better, in an effort to regain control.
Never talk about feelings in emails to a BM, that lets them know they are upsetting you/getting an emtional response which means in their mind they are winning.
All correspondence is business like. Cordial, pleasant, clear.
Do not argue. Make use of the terms "I do not agree." "We will need to agree to disagree" and "According to the Custodial order: (insert reference here)"
Your DH really needs to read that CO cover to cover, multiple times and commit to memory what his RIGHTS are.
We had to enforce email only
We had to enforce email only a few years ago because bm was harassing us. From my experience, it is best to give short, polite, informational emails. No more than three sentences is best. Don't get long winded, try to make a point or argue. If it were us, we would send this: All communication will be in writing through email excepting an emergency. I have rescheduled the appointment to x time on Monday (my day) so that I can take her. Hope you are well, x. And leave it at that. Stand firm and only address the present issue- if she lies (I asked you and you told me so I scheduled the appointment), ignore her- that's the beauty and relief of email, you can simply ignore any nonsense. it's his day and he has every right to reschedule the appointment. Do not take phone calls or reply to texts. She doesn't want to use email because she wants attention; if you give her attention through long emails she can pick apart and argue with it doesn't help the situation. Eventually she will calm down somewhat.
Is the verbal communication
Is the verbal communication as bad as the emails?
I think just his wifes
I think just his wifes version makes it more short sweet to the point. Bullet points work well I think when you have to go to email only communication. It's good that he's standing up but there's still that defensive tone like he's having to justify handling his kids on his time and he doesn't have to justify shit to her. Go with bullet points he should tell he how he will resolve the issue and ignore her make his own appointment so the stitches are out before you leave and enjoy the vacation!
This actually did freak me
This actually did freak me out,... YES BM is A crazy middle aged woman with a hideous wrist tatoo,.... I bet they do have abook out there somewhere they copy from,.... Crazy!
How did you respond when she DEMAMDED to only talk in phone calls? "NO MORE TEXTS OR EMAILS!"
UPDATE::: THANKS SO MUCH FOR
UPDATE:::
THANKS SO MUCH FOR THE ADVICE!!! I shared it with FDH and he now just sent ONLY:
" If you are not going to take (injured girl) to the appointment you made, let me know by tomorrow morning."
THATS IT!!!