struggling with stepson

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I am so happy to find a place where I can vent and maybe come to realize that my situation is not that rare. I feel so isolated and guilty. Please help. I have been with my fiance for four years. We have been waiting for my divorce to finalize to marry. Finally we are to be married in three months. I love my fiance more than I ever thought I could love anyone. I came out of a terrible 23 year marriage and finding my fiance was like finding an oasis. However, after I came to live with him his son started having trouble at home with his mother. She was in the process of getting yet another divorce and he couldn't deal with the boyfriend. There are alot of problems with the mom and I know this poor child is affected. He was her third child by her third husband. Now she is one her sixth husband and seventh child. All of the kids from previous marriages go to live with the dads and she only keeps the latest child. I know that this has greatly damaged my stepson. He came to live with us at the age of 13. He had gotten arrested for stealing a debit card and then using the ATM. My fiance talked to me about it and I also agreed he needed to get out of the house so he came to us. Things were kindof smooth in the beginning. He came to live with us in August and started school here. He immediately got a girlfriend who started to consume all his time. I knew this wasn't normal and attempted to talk to my fiance about it. He was just happy that he was making friends. Within six months the kid was lying to us and having sex with his girlfriend. My fiance was still ok with it as long as he used condoms. I was appalled. First of all you are 14 (by now) and way to young. Second of all because of the issues with his mom I felt there was some kind of need he was trying to fulfill and it concerned me. This relationship lasted three years with more deceit, lying, and sneaking around than you can imagine. My fiance always said oh it's ok. When I would tell him about the lies he would say I can't do anything till I catch him. Which of course he never did. My ss got angry at me because I started to confront him about his lies. He went to my fiance who had always told him he would pick his children over any woman, and began to tell him lies about me. My fiance didn't believe him but he also didn't stand up to him. It turned into a war and my ss and I didn't talk for almost a year. I thought that we had become closer and worked out our differences but here we are yet again in another problem. My ss got caught in a lie, my fiance confronted him so he packed all his stuff and snuck out of the house to run away to his moms. Now first of all he sees his mom like once a year because she doesn't care but he's going to go to her. Then we find out that's a lie and he actually moved in with his new girlfriend. He was gone for three weeks and my fiance told him he should come home so he does. Only because it's getting close to school time and he doesn't want to change high schools his senior year. My fiance got mad at me because I didn't want him home. I felt he should go to his mothers and see how good he has it here. I don't feel that I should be uncomfortable in my home. I felt he needed to learn a lesson. His lying and manipulating is just what his mother does and he has to learn that you can't live that way. I fear that if he doesn't learn this now he will really have a tough life. Well he has been home for almost a week. He will not speak to me and doesn't even acknowledge my existence. I am the one that found out he was staying at his girlfriends and questioned her parents responsibility. He didn't like that. He now goes out as soon as he gets up and stays out till we are in bed at night. My fiance seems to be fine with that. There wasn't even a punishment for running away and staying with your girlfriend for three weeks. It's like nothing happened. This makes me crazy and does affect my relationship with my fiance. I feel like he is totally oblivious to everything and doesn't want to accept how his son is. I don't feel like he stands up for me and I know we are being used. My ss is 17 and will be 18 in February. I know he is just using us till his birthday. I have tried to tell my fiance this and his reply is what am I supposed to do. I mention things like before he ran away he had a fit out in the shed and smashed the weed whacker into pieces. Then he hid it somewhere that we can't find, we only found some small pieces. We asked him where it was. He says I don't know. So I told my fiance how about he stays in until he remembers and he has to pay for it. My fiance had his cell phone turned off when he left so the first thing he does is go to the store and get put on someone elses plan and gets a new phone. Meanwhile my fiance has to pay the 175 disconnect fee. The child has a job but refuses to work more than one or two days a week ( a whole other issue). I told my fiance to take the money out of his account. None of this happens and it frustrates me to no end. I am a healthy person that works out daily at the gym. I run every day. I eat good. Meanwhile my nerves are out of control. I have headaches and stomachaches and chest palipatations. This is craziness. I know this is long I am sorry. I am just at the end of my rope and don't know what to do. please I desperately need advice or just to hear from someone who has a similar situation. This is killing me.

Hi...I am the aussie stepmum

Hi...I am the aussie stepmum from the following two speels in this forum.....our stories are so similar......mine a bit sadder.....she was one of 4 kids to 4 different fathers...I truly do beleive that these kids in these situations with these f*&^%U selfish mothers become cold survivors...they learn young that they have to do what it takes to get what they want...be it attention etc...i really do beleive that as I have met a few of them.....it is sad isnt it and there is a whole world full of them.....little survivors of our modern society with these people who have these kids but care more about themselves than the kids....

I wrote in as I had read on here a couple of times about disengaging and how it worked for some people.....I think you are so close to him being 18 and being able to do what he wants..including pinging off..(in aust they are legally a kid and adult responsible until 18..I assume it is the same in the US) I really would just ignore the kid and get on with your life....dont wreck your health or your relationship over this little brat.....he can live Esomewhere else and you will BE ALONE with your fiance...just turn a blind eye and count down the days until he is living out of home

Hi...I am the aussie stepmum

I share your pain

deb, there is one good side to this...that devil will be out of your house soon! granted, he is taking advantage of you guys in every way BUT at least he doesn't plan on hanging around! i feel your pain and understand completely, as i'm in the same boat. my wife's demonchild is now 15...i have known her since she was 5. she was bad then but really turned for the worse overnight at age 10 for some reason, as i predicted. here is a list of SOME things:

1 i'm constantly ignored in my house by this brat who thinks everyone owes her

2 she hasn't spoken to me in about 5 years, not even hello. i ignore it but have to admit it plays on me. always in the room with the door shut! i have been told i should be happy by this but i'm not.

3 when friends come over she says hi to them right away. she doesn't even know most of them. ignores me as usual. i'm sure she does this to get under my skin.

4 my wife does absolutely nothing! much like in your situation. she won't talk to me and if i ever bring up the kid's name there is a fight. i feel like i live with 2 kids!

5 this beotch was busted by the cops 3 weeks ago for having an 18 year old in her grandmother's house. she stayed there (30 miles away)for the summer thank God, and was told by the grandmother (wife's mother, who is useless too by the way) she didn't want him in the house. guess what...2 days later, he's there again till 3am when the cops took them out and called us to get her. how did the cops know they were there? there were a bunch of 16 year olds drinking on the lawn...kind of suspicious. we both missed work that day. 15 years old with unprotected sex. she was living with the grandmother again 2 days later per my wife. no punishment. i told her there is no cell phone usage...that lasted maybe 2 days. my wife pays her bill so there isn't anything i can say. the cops said she shouldn't go back there...my wife ignored that.

6 the bio father has no idea on any of this. he would kill her. he disciplines her and she hates him too. my wife and the demon team up against me. that's fine. i WAIT for the day when this brat needs something of me. i won't be there. when she is out of highschool... 3 years (be glad you are almost there) she will leave and live with the grandmother where she can get away with anything.

she is lazy, unruly, cold, never talks unless you are someone always giving things to her...you know the drill. i wasn't raised to hate or hold grudges but living with this poison for years has taken its toll. i'm at the end of my rope. not even the father wants her. i had it out with her last night. she's on the phone again till 11pm when i'm trying to sleep. i tell her to get off the phone and she won't. i told her to give it to me and she doesn't...i go for it and she pulls it away. i snatch it out of her hands and she has a fit. my wife enters the room, i'm the bad guy...I TOLD HER SHE CAN TALK AS LONG AS SHE WANTS SHE HAS TO GET UP IN THE MORNING! it ended up with me dismantling the phone so she can't use it. i'm tired of this kid getting her way and my wife backing her. i hate calling her my wife because a wife is someone nurturing and understanding and there with you, a partner. she has not been much of those.

why don't i leave? well, we can't sell the house with the economy the way it is, i can't afford divorce, and we have a 15 month old gorgeous boy who adores me and me him. i don't want him being torn in my house and in the grandmother's house, which is where my wife would have to live if we divorced.

for now i have no choice but to lay low, save some money and really continue to think this out. i really try to ignore this kid but it's difficult. i'm a prisoner in my own home, which i pay for by the way.

thanks for the vent as well...and sorry so long....

good luck. vent some more if you need to.

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