New to Step Parenting. 6yr old being babied and I'm going insane being #3
New here. HI! 
I don't know where else to turn to vent and find some support other than finding a forum in hopes that people can understand what situation I'm in. Perhaps I just need a good outlet every other weekend as I experience my challenges. lol
My boyfriend moved in with me this past February, and with that comes his 6 year old son every other weekend. I don't have any children, nor do I have any experience with children, but something doesn't seem right with how he's being raised. And I know it's not my say in any of it. I am not even married to really call myself a step mother, but what else would I be called in this situation?
I've made every change I could to accomodate this kid into my home, even though its a whole new world for me. I've done good with being very welcoming and playing with the kid, really striking up conversation with him FINALLY. It's been awesome to watch my boyfriend be a loving and caring father, but it's also awkward feeling to take the backseat to it all. I do feel like I'm a 3rd wheel on a weekend-long date. lol Not only that, but my boyfriend doesn't have a car, so I do all the driving for both of them, provide my home, cook their meals and try to keep them entertained (I have such a hard time keeping a video game-addicted 6 year old entertained since I don't have video games). I sometimes feel like employed staff (especially when the kid has his many moments of wanting me out of the picture. It feels unappreciating of what all I do for them). and if I hear "I'm bored!!! we need to go do something for ME!!" one more time, I'm going to loose my cool.
But I really want to get to the disturbing part. His child is a big 6 year old kid. I think he's pretty tall for his age. He's babied a lot by both his dad and mom. This kid can't do anything for himself. I know I don't have any experience, but this doesn't seem right.
My boyfriend still dresses this kid from head to toe. I mean, slips each foot in his pants, each arm and head in the holes of his shirts, puts his socks and shoes on each foot. I'm pretty sure this kid can do this on his own, right?
When the kid has to go to the bathroom, Dad has to go in there and make sure everything is done properly.
Bathing, Dad does this. Yep, my boyfriend washes his son from head to toe and this kid doesn't do any of it. And a couple of times, Dad has even showered with his son since he's been staying with me. I'm totally disturbed by this. Dad and son naked in the shower together and him making sure his "baby" is clean and taken care of. He isn't a baby!
This gigantic kid still wants long shoulder rides on top of his dad (my boyfriend is only 5'4"). And you know what? He gives his son shoulder rides still, even though he struggles to do so. It looks like a circus performance at this point. I told him that he's too big and too old to be carried around like this and my boyfriend says he's going to keep doing it until he physically can't anymore. To him, his son is still a baby and he wants to keep it that way. The kid doesn't like to walk at all. He always says, "my feet hurt," "I'm tired," or "walking is boring." I can't believe a lazy 6 year old! Is that possible?! He wants to be carried everywhere we go.
This kid has been staying at my house since February, evey other weekend, and still, my boyfriend wants to go lay with him at night until he falls asleep. This kid cannot lay by himself. My boyfriend will eventually come back to our bed around midnight - 2am to sleep the rest of the night. So I overheard the kid tonight telling his Dad, "This is my spot, this is your spot. You sleep here now. Don't you go in there to 'her.' She sleeps alone. You stay here with me all night." and of course Dad accepts this kind of demanding behavior and says, "okay." He doesn't mind getting bossed around by his son like this.
And while we are on the subject of that, I cannot get any attention from my boyfriend during the child's stay. If him and I start a conversation in the car or the kitchen, his son will immediately get in the middle of it. I know he's acting out and doesn't like me there. But this is my house and sometimes I feel like I have to leave my own place because I feel unwanted.
My boyfriend always says yes to his every demand and does whatever possible to keep the kid happy. The son really expects it and if something doesn't go the way he wants, all he has to do is let his eyes start to water a little bit and his dad will change his mind and do whatever he can to make sure his son doesn't cry. This includes anything he wants when we are in a store. The kid wants to be attached to him constantly in every moment.
I'm really seeing this baby stuff effect his behavior and his growth.
We went to a playground and he didn't want to play with the kids, because that would mean leaving his dad's side. I tried to go play on the climbing gyms and stuff to get him interested, but he won't. He just laughed at me sliding down a slide. I tried to teach him how to swing in a swing....YES....he doesn't know how to swing in a swing. Guess what? He won't even sit in the swing. He wont do a lot of things. The same went for going swimming in our community pool a couple weeks ago. He doesn't know not even the slightest in swimming or holding his breath for even a second. He won't even try. In fact, even though he's much taller than 3ft, he wouldn't even go in the 3ft side of the pool. He wanted to sit in the 6 inch kiddie pool like a baby. And his dad was just fine with that.
He graduates kindergarten next week, and I worry how he's going to do in elementary with these confience issues because he's babied so much. I worry that so many of his peers wil be advancing and can do so much more than he can because his parents hold him back. Dad wouldn't let him run through some water misters because he was afraid he would fall. So the son misses out on little experiences like that.
I've tried talking to my boyfriend about my concerns, but it seems to go over his head. He claims the babying is coming from his mom. I've even found great, reasonably priced swimming lessons for the kid that is near where mom lives. He said he would pass the info on to his ex and agreed that he needed swimming lessons. That was a month ago, and he still hasn't done it. He doesn't see that his son is ready for swimming lessons now, even though I told him there are younger kids in the pool swimming around. I've talked to him about his son's behavior. This kid is so spoiled and demanding. Dad actually thinks it's cute and funny to see his kid say these things. He really doesn't see it an issue. I see this kid so behind in so many things because of the babying and spoiling. And I feel like all I can do at this point is sit on the sidelines, serve them food, drive them around and shut up about it.
Whew....I have so much to vent about. lol I need help or a hug or something. Thanks so much for reading!
Just be thankful that it i
Just be thankful that it i eowe. I have my ss five days a week.
I have a similar situation in
I have a similar situation in that I moved in with my GF(who is currently pregnant but wasn't then) in December. So there is a SD4 and a SD6 and she has 50/50 custody. She used to be a SM to a now 19yo who eventually lived with them full time so luckily she's helped me a little bit from the step parenting side.
But some of the stuff you are seeing happens at our house, I give the girls shoulder rides(though I'm 6'2" and they are less than 50 pounds each). I'm fairly certain both parents help with the the baths as they aren't able to get their hair rinsed properly by themselves yet. Although they spend the majority of the bath by themselves at our house. I think they take showers at BDs. They do both get dressed themselves although you have to pick out clothes for SD4.
Every kid seems to be different although there is definitely some babying going on in your situation that I would find frustrating.
When I moved in, and they were told I had moved in February(not sure how they didn't notice I never went home before), SD4 became a bit territorial, similar to your SS. She would ask her mom on the car ride home if I could go just go home, she would tell my GF I was being mean to her, she would try to sleep with her mom constantly, etc. There was also the 3rd wheel type feeling when they were around. Eventually things hit an equilibrium and it doesn't feel so odd for me, and luckily SD4 has warmed up to me a lot.
I've always been fairly detached with them since I moved in, allowing them time with their mom and typically being their if they wanted to talk and or do something with me. Otherwise I basically found other stuff to do around the house, etc and went about my business while they are here. Slowly overtime SD4 has came around and doesn't see me as a threat or has just gotten used to having me around, for now anyway.
Bed time still frustrates me a bit sometimes. Especially if I have been making repairs to the house, or doing a lot of work and I come up and one of them is sleeping in the bed. Especially, now that she's pregnant that means I have to pick one or both of them up and move them and hope they don't wake up. My GF is also very path of least resistance with bed time and the one rule is pretty much whatever gets them the sleep fastest generally goes. I can't say that overall this is a bad policy, it's just she is a heavy sleeper and they stay in their rooms all night.
What you are experiencing seems to be normal though, and I think its normal if nothing else for eowe for a 6 year old to be super clingy to the BP. In my experience and opinion doing things that leave them alone together so that the SS lets his guard down a bit may help. No that it makes the situation any easier, but you aren't going to be able to change it much overall. Finding something to occupy yourself with eowe may be a big help, if you get push back from your BF you could always try to suggest that you think your SS feels threatened by you and until he understands you aren't a threat to his time with his dad he's just going to get worse and you think you should be a lot more hands off.
Its not like the kid is "winning" in this stance, if he gets better he gets better, if he doesn't at least you don't go as stir crazy or feel as uncomfortable.
Hi. I'm currently dating
Hi. I'm currently dating someone (not living with him) who has his 8-year-old daughter every other week (like the previous poster said, be thankful you just have every other weekend!). I'm struggling with some issues, especially those that I see as preparation for us living together one day, and I see a lot of that coddling behavior with my SO and his daughter (he bathes her, she doesn't know how to swim, she uses tears to control him, and so on). So I totally feel what you're going through, and I've been reading tons of these forums to try to soak up everyone's wisdom before I become a full-blown step-parent.
One of the things that I've read here (apologies for not remembering which thread/user this is associated with) was someone saying that once they figured out that their role was to be their SO's partner, not stepmom extraordinaire, they were so much happier. That really resonated with me. My SO's daughter has a mother and a father. I don't agree with how they raise her, and I know that when we live together, things are going to have to change in her life so she learns to be respectful of me and my home. But whereas before I read that post I would get all upset over the way SO raises her, now I try to focus my energy on letting go of more things and reminding myself that I am not this child's parent and am not responsible for how she is parented. She only wants french fries and ice cream for dinner? Every single night of the week? Before I would get all up in arms and tell SO he really needed to work on getting some real food in her, not giving into her tears just because it was easier for him. While I still feel like she should eat real food, and still hope that SO will get that act together soon, I try not to let myself fester on that. When we live together, I won't be cooking separate meals for the child, won't buy ice cream to keep in the freezer all the time, and won't allow her to waste food that I have spent money on, but I am also learning that I shouldn't make it my job to make her eat real food, *or* make it my job to make *her father* make her eat real food.
I hope that helps. I totally feel your pain.
Wow, ok then. You do have
Wow, ok then. You do have another option - stop Acting like the hired help. Boyfriend doesn't have a car - sucks to be him. What did he do before he moved in with you? You feel like the third wheel and the kid is ungrateful, why are you not making dad do the cooking for his kid? Why are you telling yourself that its your job to keep Them entertained? BF is an adult, you are not responsible for the man's being entertained. And his kid is just that - His kid, you are not responsible for the kid being entertained either. That's what dad is for.
You aren't wrong in your view that his kid is being babied into helplessness and its not normal. However, there's nothing you can do about it as you are being shown every visit. Dad does not want your help Parenting this kid. Help carting him around, spending money and entertaining and feeding him,sure, but Parenting? Nope. Dad's very subtlety telling you it's none of your business and your advise isn't welcome.
He's told you he wants to keep his kid a baby. Is that healthy? No, but you can't change it. S he looks like an idiot for carrying the kid around - not your problem. So the kid is probably going to get picked on in grade school because he can't do anything - not your problem. Kid can't swim,bathe, dress or wipe himself? Not your problem. And as long as dad doesn't Make it your problem (ask you to do these things for the kid) I'd say let it go.
You have become involved with a lousy parent. That sucks, because you obviously care about this guy. However, as sweet as it may seem that he's so loving and attentive to his child, he is not a crappy job of being a parent. A parents job is to prepare their child for the world. At this rate, your bf is going to have his son living with him when the kid is 40, stilling paying for everything, doing his laundry, driving him places, and entertaining him. Don't believe me? Go read some in the adult step kid forum.
You can't fix these problems. Your bf is the only one that can and he has flat out said he doesn't want to, he doesn't think they're problems. So it's up to you to decide what you can live with. Are you ok with trying to build a life with a man that puts his child's happiness over Everything? Not the kids needs, but the happiness. This means that the kid will end up dictating your relationship. Want to get married - better check and see if the kid's ok with it. Having a child of your own? Probably would make SS unhappy, so don't count on it. Going on vacation without SS, well that would just break his heart so don't even think about it.
Think long and hard about what you want out of life and this relationship. Read some of the blogs and things around here. This kid will get worse. His attitude and behavior will get worse. And dad will probably never see a problem with it. Then decide if this man is worth several decades of being treated like crap.
I mostly just wanted to agree
I mostly just wanted to agree that the best stance here as indicated is to realize at the very least you are not your SS parent. Trying to be a parent step children, especially when both parents are "involved", and or you rarely even see the child is just a recipe for disaster. Both your emotional well being as well as general peace in your home. There seems to be different schools of thought on this forum, but the theme is there for anyone to see even if the SP thinks the skids should accept them as a parent, they don't want it and will in fact never really see you as a parent anyway even if you have a good relationship. Most kids don't even like their parents when they are adolescents, which is where things get way worse...
While I think Aeron is painting a rather bleak picture. It certainly is possible and THEY shouldn't be babying him this way but he is behind developmentally as a result, but he can catch up quickly IF things are reversed. In either case I would add that being a SP means you are also in a relationship with the BM. Even if you BF was trying to do all the "right" things to help prepare your SS, BM still has the kid 80 percent of this time... If she's a bad parent there isn't a lot that can be done in your situation either way.
While I certainly don't do as much as you do for your BF and SS, my GF has always appreciated the fact that I provide support so that she can be a better mother and have more time with her children as a result. Hopefully at least your BF appreciates everything you do in support. Luckily I don't have the babying problems you do and honestly I'm not sure I would be with her if I didn't already see her interacting with her kids and how their BF parented them as well. If she wasn't a good mother and he was being damaging to their development long term (especially with 50/50) it would have been a difficult decision despite how much I love her.
Thank you all for your
Thank you all for your advice! This is much more helpful than the other forum I posted on, which everyone just said "RUN!!" and no support whatsoever.
I realize I'm not the parent and I have no say so in any of this. And I'm supposed to just see myself as my SO's partner and not a SP. But it is hard knowing that this kid might be in my life for many many years to come. So I guess everything in his future as far as his behavior and growth does affect me because.....No, I don't want a 40 year old adult step child living with me, and that's definitely crossed my mind. I don't want this unhealthy attachment BD and son have with each other to affect our relationship even worse later down the road. But i worry that it is.
He really acted out this past weekend, trying to separate me and my BF anytime we got close to each other. He would grab his dad and pull him away from me all weekend. And for all the wonderful things I do for this kid, all the activities I make up for us all to do, all the places and events I drive us to, all the toys I buy and all the playing I do with him, he still sees me as like evil stepmom. This is a new feeling for me and it's awkward, uncomfortable and makes me feel like I have to step out of the picture all together.
Yesterday was his kindergarten graduation. SS clung to his dad as it was time to leave and he screamed, "No, I want to spend the night with you!!!!" We had to explain to him that we have work the next day (son lives in another town an hour away). BM had to physically pry her son off of his dad and it was such an odd moment when the son gave me the most evil look like this is all MY fault. They have been divorced for 4 years, so it's not like the separation is new to him. But I think this clingy and crying acting out behavior is either he feels he's loosing his Dad to me or because Dad lets him get away with everything and says Yes to everything and does everything for son. perhaps a combo of both.
I feel like there should be a step parent support group led by a therapist for me to attend. The whole experience is freaking me out. I do love this man very much and our relationship is very serious. Even though I was to leave this guy because of this child situation, the odds of dating another man with a child are good because people my age and older just have kids by now. No telling I would just end right back up in the same situation with another man.
I feel like I need some step moms to talk to on the phone or something when the times are rough. Is there a program on this website for something like that?
Not all men with kids act the
Not all men with kids act the same though. That's like saying I'm going to stay with this guy even though he cheats on me because all guys are guys. Not all guys with kids will interact with their children in this way, not all guys will go in for the guilty parenting, Disney Dad route. Staying with This guy because all the single guys in your age range already have kids is a terrible idea frankly.
One of the worst things about being a stepparent is having to come to terms with having people in your life (kids or BM or whoever) that you have no real influence over, absolutely no control over, but they impact your life for sure. It's Hard and a Ton of relationships that involve step kids don't make it because it is so damn hard!
I know it's a boy,but it sounds like your bf is allowing his son to become what we call a mini-wife. If he allows the kid to physically push between you, pull dad away from you, sleep with the kid instead of you, he is setting you and your relationship up for epic failure. Dad thinks its cute now, he may still be deluded enough to think its cute when the kid is 16, but no one else, particularly you, will.
It sounds like dad has some serious guilt issues and some other personal issues to work through. It's not normal to want your kid to be totally dependent on you. But again, not something You can fix. And even telling dad they need to be fixed, is likely not going to get you very far. This is still airily new, the guy moved in Fairly recently and I'm guessing you're still pretty much in the honeymoon period. This will get worse. The more serious the two of you get, the more SS will ramp up the attitude.
I would caution you to protect yourself. I know you're in love, I know it's a serious relationship. I am concerned for you that dad doesn't seem to be taking you at all seriously about any of the issues and indeed even says he wants to keep the kid a baby. So while I won't tell you to run (only you can decide that), I would advise you to keep your money separate. No joint accounts. No joint purchases of car, house, etc. do not dip into savings or retirement to bail bf out, pay for lawyers, or well pay for anything. And do not have a child with this man or get married until you see actual proof of dad learning how to be a Real parent instead of a guilty, give into everything parent.
There aren't any phone programs associated with this web site, you can PM people, and many of the step parents here do communicate outside steptalk through Facebook or phone or email or whatever, but there's no program.
I don't know if my BF is
I don't know if my BF is physically allowing his son to push between us or pull us apart. It's things that I personally notice because I'm observant and already sensitive to it. I've talked to my BF about it and he really doesn't notice those things happening. He thinks his son is so young, that he wouldn't act out in that manner. He thinks that he's too young to really understand what is happening or what to do about it. I really think that he doesn't give his son the credit that he's a smart kid and can definitely act out in these ways. I was able to talk to my BF more seriously and taken more seriously yesterday and the day before. He honestly mentioned to me that he doesn't notice these things because the son doesn't really make it blatantly obvious.
On Sunday afternoon, we took him to a huge playground with tons of kids. He ran off to play and made a new friend immediately to run around with. 10 minutes later, he sees us and he sees his dad with his arm around my waist and had me pulled close to him. SS runs over, wraps his arms around dad and hangs on him pouting about not wanting to go play anymore. I tell SS that we have only been here 10 minutes and I didn't understand why he was done playing already. He gave me a look like "I wasn't talking to you" then looked back at his dad and started whining that he wanted to leave. Dad saw this situation as just having a tired kid. I saw this situation differently, because I'm sensitive to it. I noticed SS was acting out because his dad had was paying attention to me. And because my BF isn't observant like this, I'm thinking about saying some password/codeword like "Coconut" so that my BF will realize this is one of those moments he needs to play back just what happened here.
He also changed his mind and admitted that he needs to allow his son to be more independent, starting with getting son to go to sleep on his own and BF coming to bed. I'm not sure how well that will play out. I'm thinking SS will throw a fit and BD will give in. But we'll see.
At this point, I'm observing to see if these changes take place. My BF does know my concerns. I'm not afraid to voice all of them. He seemed more understandable after he calmed down and thought about it for a day. He knows changes need to be made and he plans to make them. But honestly, actions speak louder than words, so I'm going to be watching.
He doesn't think he's guilt parenting, but I think it's obvious he is. He still tells me that he does tell his son "No" and he doesn't let him get away with everything. I 100% disagreed with him and I plan to show him every single time he does it during the next visit.
This is my own apartment with only my name on the lease. And this is my own car. No joint checking accounts and his name isn't on anything. The only thing we joined together were our cellphones to get a cheaper family plan. This is definitely a trial/probational period. If changes aren't made, I know I'll have to call it quits. I really don't want to, because I'm crazy in love with this guy. Everything is so perfect between us....oh if it weren't for the kid! *thud*
Hey again sharper. Couple of
Hey again sharper. Couple of thoughts.
1. I'm also new to this website so I didn't know there was a PM feature, but feel free to PM me and we can exchange email addresses or maybe phone numbers to text or something.
2. Re: therapy, it has crossed my mind that perhaps SO and I need to see a therapist together. SO gets individual therapy now (he has been for about a year, and I'm not sure when he will feel ready to stop, but I never ask what they talk about so I'm not even remotely sure of his "progress"). I think SO, his ex (the BM), and his daughter should maybe seek some family counseling (his daughter has anxiety issues, she will not talk to her parents about their divorce, etc.--so I think maybe it's in order for the sake of the child's adjustment). And I think SO and I could use someone to help us navigate this process, too. Poor guy would be overloaded with therapy, haha. I haven't looked to see if there are support groups in my area, but I say all this to say: I don't think your desire for therapy is crazy, but maybe it would be good for you to have therapy with your BF, instead of just by yourself.
3. The "time for you to go to sleep on your own" issue--we are dealing with something like that too, but far worse. When SO and BM split and their kid started doing a week at each parent's house, SO allowed his daughter to sleep in his bed. This was partly her saying she was scared to sleep alone all of a sudden, and partly him missing a warm body in his bed and wanting to keep a close bond with his daughter. Talk about mini-wife!!! It has been a year now that she has been sleeping in his bed, and it's made me very uncomfortable. Not only do I think it's inappropriate, but I think that for the sake of not being lonely, he is halting her development, and I don't think that's great parenting. (I told you I had a similar issue with my SO babying his daughter!) Given our desire to move in together soon, we needed to get her sleeping in her own bed. SO moved one month ago to a new apartment, so he let her sleep with him for the first couple of weeks to get used to the new place, but now has her sleeping in her own bed.
Two things worked (at least, so far):
"It's a new place, new rules." So "you graduated kindergarten, time to be a big boy" is probably appropriate.
I know not all parents think bribing is appropriate, but there are some places where we will lay down "rules are rules" without any incentive, and the sleeping-in-her-own-bed issue was just not the hill we were going to die on. It HAD to happen regardless of method.
(b) She is very into Monster High, so he bought her new Monster High sheets for her bed. This got her excited to be in the bed in the first place. Then, he spent the week sleeping on the floor in her room with the promise that if she stayed in her bed all week, she could get a Monster High blanket. She did so successfully and got the blanket, then went back to BM's house for her week there. The next step of the deal is that, when she comes back next week, if she sleeps in her bed AND my SO gets to sleep in his bed without her coming in in the middle of the night, she can have a big Monster High pillow to complete the set. So what I'm saying is, find out what character that boy likes, and bribe him.
Next time skid is over try
Next time skid is over try something out. This will give you an indication of how to proceed. When skid gets in the middle of you guys, or tries to take BF away from you, or says anything about not wanting you around, stop him, tell him it's inappropriate and that he cannot behave that way. BF will either 1) agree and stand up for you or 2) tell you to stop picking on his baby. If it's 2 it will not get better. You will constantly be expected to do for this child and to treat this child as if he were your own, while not having any say regarding expectations or the correcting of this child. BF will allow this child to come in between you over and over and over again. If that is the case, and you've talked to BF and he's unwilling to even see a problem, then I would advise rethinking this relationship. If it's 1, then sit down and talk with BF and SS about what the expectations are while he is in your household. (This should be done with BF alone too, which it sounds like you've already tried). If BF is not going to respect your wishes in your home, then make it clear to him that when SS is there, he is solely his responsibility. Let him know that you will no longer be driving them around, cooking for them, cleaning up after them, etc. Let him know that you will not be considered a maid/babysitter/entertainer in your own home.
I have a 15 yo SD whom I have recently decided not to do anything for at all, even so much as giving her permission to eat something, if she chooses to ask. I have lived with this child for the past 7 years and have dealt with the same issues you are dealing with. When I read your comment about the sleeping in bed until SS goes to bed I felt that it was me talking. DH used to do the same thing with SD. She still occasionally asks him to tuck her in when she goes to bed. After so many years of the disrespect from her, and him regarding her, I have had enough. That may be what you will need to do in the future as well. Good luck in whatever you decide!
This is a very good test that
This is a very good test that I will definitely do! It will really tell me what's the priority to him and where I fit in with all of this.
One thing I have missed on is setting rules for my home. Since he graduated kindergarten yesterday, it's the perfect time to bring up some simple house rules next time he's here, like, "Now that you graduated kindergarten, big boys know how to follow rules!" and do some interesting way of displaying them when he's here. I need to show that I'm an adult that needs to be respected and that I live here. My BF has agreed for us to do this, but I hope he doesn't leave it all to me to tell the rules. I don't like having to be the bad guy all of the time.
I would love to just not do anything for them at all. I wish I had a 2nd home to just move off into during those weekend visits so I don't have to be a part of it --- because it's just so uncomfortable. And i wish I could just keep my hands out of the raising and disciplining part of it...just let my BF do whatever he wants. But I really don't want a troubled teenager or live-in adult child later down the road!! That freaks me out.
Definitely can't wait to see what this test reveals.
Why are you living with some
Why are you living with some dude who doesn't have a car and needs you to be his taxi service?
Yeah at 6 he certainly knows
Yeah at 6 he certainly knows what he is doing. My 4yo SD just said to me the other day "Are you my dad? No. Are you Zurdibus? Yes..." and I wasn't even parenting her and we get along really well in general.
Also the same SD used to tell her mom that I was hurting her and that I was mean. But when asked about it would say she couldn't remember. Then she would smile at me when the mother wasn't looking. Her mother handled this by clearly explaining that if he is then you have to let him know what he is doing and tell him to stop, eventually telling her that since she wasn't telling me when I was hurting her she couldn't climb on me, etc. It took a couple weeks but she finally stopped it. So yes young children will try to control the relationship/remove you from the situation, test boundaries, etc.
One other thing she did was try to make them think they were agreeing to things. In car rides home when they were alone she would asked them what do you think about Zurdibus coming with us to X or would you like to do Y with him? She wasn't asking their permission, but if they said no she would say why don't you want him to come? If they insisted on no depending on the situation I would or would not be involved, but most of the times the no was meaningless, but they knew their concerns would be heard.
It may work out if your SS says things like don't go to her tonight, etc that he could ask him why and explain that he would stay with him until X and then leave, tapering off overtime.
Hi Sharper....I know some
Hi Sharper....I know some time has passed since you original post but I thought I would put in my two cents.
I totally get what you are going through and it is damn hard. First and foremost you have to set your personal boundries. Your mate is not going to do that for you. He does not care. It is all about his son. It is best to do them now so that you have a chance to see if your guy backs you up or not. If he doesn't then you are in for a tough ride.
Lot's of what you said reminded me of my situation. Just after we got married my SD really kicked up her baby attitude. See my other posts and blog and you can find out how. The bottom line though is that IT IS YOUR BF who is allowing this behavior. I lol'd when you said it was like a circus act! IF you still want to to stick it out then you must learn how to detach as much as you can while maintaining your standard rules and boundries so you are not a stranger in your own home. Good luck!
Omg I can totally relate to
Omg I can totally relate to this exact same thing from the omg seriously to the driving the, around, cooking and shutting up, except include cleaning EVERYTHING. Because neither of them do anything for themselves and imagine a 9 year old boy, tall as can be with all the same issues for the same reasons and he lives with you!!! Imam seriously rethinking my relationship because of this newly added strain. I don't know what to do...