Photos of ex wife
Hi everyone, I am new to this site and to the world of being a step parent. I am 26 and my husband is 33. We have been married for just over a year. He has two girls from his previous relationship, one is 6 the other just turned 10. He wasn't married to his ex but they lived together for about ten years. His ex passed away almost five years ago now (extreme PND and overdose) although the girls have been told it was due to a serious sickness. I have never been married before and have no children of my own.
OK so my issue is this, we have the girls almost every weekend and some nights a week. Other times they stay with their grandparents (work issues and house renovation problems). Hubby is a great dad and adores his two girls (which makes me a little jealous....I know...I know!). We have our own place (mine actually, as I inherritted it from my grandparents before we ever met). What bothers me is that he insists on keeping some pictures of his ex up around the house when the girls stay over. He says it's so they won't forget her and need to know who their mother was. I find this so incredibly disrespectfull to me. How can he display pictures of another woman he has been intimate with, fathered children with etc, on the walls of OUR home? We had a MASSIVE and I mean MASSIVE row about this last night. He refuses to take them down and says the girls (especially the older one) need to know who they come from.
It is four 6x8 pics two in the livingroom and two in the girls room. Am I being selfish? It makes my blood boil when he puts them out. Am I a jealous freak, psycho bitch wife or is he being unreasonable in his behaviour? Pleas help.
No, I don't think you are
No, I don't think you are being selfish. My OH has a picture of his 'adopted' daughter (not really his, but he considers her his own) in every room of our small one bedroom flat. No joke he has about 12 pictures of her, a picture of his parents and sibling, and none of me or us. It grates me so much. I recently changed that and added a picture of us. I have slowly removed the picture of the girl in the bedroom and there was on in the bathroom too, which he took down himself due to decorating. He knows I want the other pictures of her gone, except one which he can keep, but he has yet to do it. I am 3 months pregnant with our first child so I will be putting up pictures of our child and removing the excess ones of her when the time comes, if need be.
The girls have pictures of their mum in their room so they have her there to remember, the picture does not need to be in the living room, which is your family space. I would move the picture to the girl's room and when hubby questions you say the picture is in their room where they can see her, and remember her.
I am a widow. There is no way
I am a widow. There is no way I would hang photos of my husband around my house. I used to have them up, but when I got in a relationship I took them down. Your SO is being unfair about this. It's your house, don't let him get away with this, it's rude and insensitive.
Those photos all belong in
Those photos all belong in the girls room. On their walls, on their bedside tables, under their pillows if they'd like that. They absolutely have a right to have photos of mum. But your DH seems to have a lot of sensitivity (or guilt) When it cones to his girls, NONE when it comes to you. I am mystified as to why he'd even argue with you over this. Replace the photos in the living room with pictures of the living. With the girls, with you two, with all if you as a family if you like. Whatever. But your DH is being insensitive, cruel and selfish about this.
^^^ This is a great
^^^ This is a great compromise and sensitive to all.
Thanks for the replys.. I
Thanks for the replys..
I wanted to move the pics to the girls rooms too. My hubby has A LOT of guilt over his ex I know. I think he blames himself for not doing more of her. I like the comment about photos of the living, it makes so much sense. Thing is I actually really like the girls, freaky I know considering most of the posts on here about monster step kids. These two are actually really cute and while I can't say I LOVE them, I do find myself getting quite excited the days they come to stay. We have fun and to be honest I think the girls are crying out for some female attention (I know the eldest is). The other day she was flicking through my COSMO and pionting out some of the models dresses and stuff. I sat with her and before I knew it I was giving her make up lessons complete with my NEW make up! Sorry that was way off the point!
Yeah I will try to move the photos, good to know I am not completely crazy"!
If it was truly about knowing
If it was truly about knowing where they come from then why do they need reminders? They are old enough to have a memory. If they really need a picture then again, sorry but the location of the picture doesn't matter.
People have feelings and women need to know they come 2nd to no one. Period. Dot. He needs to get it through his head. If he insists on disrespecting you and your relationship in his home, in front of others, you will build up so much resentment the relationship will end at some point. It isn't an ultimatum it is a fact of life that can't be changed.
What he really wants is to provide the illusion that it's the same as it was so the girls feel comfortable and less like he replaced their dear mom. He's afraid of them not wanting to come over if it's obvious he's into you. It's the illusion of the intact family HE is holding onto and perhaps the girls, but probably mostly him. He is using the kids as the excuse that can't be argued against and his tactics are transparent. If that excuse were true it would hold up to logic.
Tell him the pictures can go
Tell him the pictures can go into the girls' rooms. Replace the ones he has hanging in the house. If he doesn't like it, tell him to go find a house of his own where he's free to hang whatever he wants on the walls.
Absolutely. There is zero in
Absolutely.
There is zero in our house that relates to BM. Over my dead body... well, actually over HIS dead body, but that's another post entirely.
Goes both ways too, I gave SD13 a beautiful shot of her and DH and she wanted to take it home. I had to convince her to leave it in her room at our house, not take to BM's.
There is a pic of SD13 solo and one of a group wedding shot that she happens to be in, but that's it.
There are more pics of my nieces and nephews in our house than SD.
Why don't the kids live with
Why don't the kids live with their dad?
The girls may need to know
The girls may need to know who they came from, but you don't. There are ways to keep her memory alive for them without rubbing it in your face. Very disrespectful.
I am afraid I would have to plaster the house, especially MY house, with pictures of my ex boyfriends.