close relationship with his daughter
I have a step daughter who is nearly 14 and her and her dad have a very close relationship. We are not all living together at present full time but will be soon most probably. It is good they are close but I find that maybe there aren't boundaries between adult and child time/behaviour and some things seem inappropriate to me but not having my own children I don't know if my worries are unfounded and it is just normal parenting behaviour. He was in a v unhappy relationship with her mother that he stayed in for ten years just for the sake of the daughter, then eventually his ex threw him out as she had met someone else. It is good they are close and I get on with her fine, but he told me that up until he moved out (when she was 12) him and his daughter still took baths together - is this ok? It sounds a bit odd to me but I don't know. Even now he will go in sometimes and wash her hair while she is in the bath. I am not implying anything untoward is going on, I def don't think that, it just seems a bit too close a bond at nearly 14. What does anyone think? Thanks
YES
Washing a 14 year olds hair while she is in the bath is defenitely too close. And taking a bath together is just gross. I would be very careful getting involved with this guy. Read Bewitched's blog to see what can happen down the road in this type of relationship. Unless there is something that would explain it such as she is physically challenged or mentally challenged I would NOT get involved with this guy. There are plenty of great dads out there and dating one with kids is tough but it's impossible when they have unhealthy relationships with their kids. Maybe you should talk to his ex wife to get the other side of this story. Good luck!
Tammy Wynette slept with her grandfather until she was 12
I think this is weird. A father should not wash a post-puberty daughter's hair. I would tell him to stop it please.
thanks for the comments. I
thanks for the comments. I def think it is inappropriate, not that there is nec. anything untoward going on now or in future but it is just too close and I think totally unnecessary. We are having couples counselling at present so maybe I should mention it. I just don't understand it. I kind of think well he did it when she was little and he just can't see that she is too old now - he also does things like always make her breakfast for her, pour her cereal out etc and doesn't want to eveer leave her home on her own for any length of time, maybe he just needs to realise she is growing up and boundaries/responsibililities need to change?
YOu don't necessarily need to have
your own bio kids to KNOW that something is WRONG...
Like everybody else said, this is NOT APPROPRIATE BEHAVIOR...
I understand a bath between a father and SON up until the age of 5 maybe... but... a 12 year old daughter? That is just discusting!!
I took showers with my dad until like 3 I think...
Apparently he doesn't see anything wrong with it, because he told you about it.
WOW, I don't know any 14 year old that would even ALLOW their father to be in the bathroom while they are taking a shower.
If he doesn't understand then he needs therapy, and he needs to hear it from a professional.
"As the daughter reaches puberty, somewhere between 9 and 14 years of age, either she or the father will begin to withdraw. The withdrawal does not signal
a lack of love, but rather that there is a new boundary that needs to be honored. The pubescent girl may pull back from being hugged or kissed. The father may withdraw, feeling uncomfortable about his daughter's developing body or her behavior. The father needs to acknowledge her beauty, not be critical or rejecting, and set appropriate boundaries."
Source: http://www.thefreelibrary.com/RECOGNIZING+DAD-DAUGHTER+RELATIONSHIPS'+PROS,+CONS-a083863100
Yes;and Wow! I know you love
Yes;and Wow! I know you love this guy, but you will always be in a battle. If they are this close and you come in as the significant other, taking some of that "intimacy" away from them/her-there will no doubt be issues. There already are. I could see him washing your hair and pouring your cereal but this "child" is a young woman. There are obviously no Healthy boundaries here. You should bring it up in counseling as this will be a problem later. And, chances are, because that is his child, here word will be gold over yours. This is not healthy and you don't need to settle. Sorry for the frankness, but I've seen situations like this before.
I'm with Cruella on this one...
I'd look before I leap into this relationship, especially since you DON'T live with them, you have no idea what ELSE may be sprung upon you once you ARE all together.
And, once you financially "commit", it's not that easy to just cut ties.
And, although it probably IS innocent, my concern is more will he put YOUR concerns before HERS??? Or does SHE always come FIRST? If you express your concerns over the hair washing, will he just blow you off or will he stop it??
At 14, that young lady should be concentrating on school dances, homework, and the Jonas Brothers, NOT her daddy washing her hair. I DO have a teenage daughter and I am a high school teacher, so I've been around teens for many years.
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."-Eleanor Roosevelt
I have a BD14 and can't
imagine either her father or myself washing her hair for her. She DEMANDS her privacy and has for several years. In addition to the great points everyone else has made, this father (the Enchanted Father based on the link that Gia posted (thank you Gia!)) is going to set his daughter up to believe that he will do everything for her. At what point does she begin to be independent. Part of our jobs as parents is to get our children to a point of independence and he is stealing that from her. He is doing her NO favors!
This, My Dear, Is A No Brainer
I have one piece of advice: He needs to get counseling, and you had better start supervising bath time from now on. If it continues past that and/or he refuses counseling, time to call CPS. Always protect the child.
"Blood doesn't matter. Love is the tie that binds..."
Thanks
for all your responses. I am considering this very carefully. How do you think it is best to raise this in our counselling session. As someone has pointed out, the fact he has told me this means that he obviously doesn't see there is anything wrong with it. I think it is a case of not respecting her boundaries and seeing that she is growing up and this is inappropriate. I don't want to sound like I am accusing him of sexual misconduct when I raise the issue though as that is not what I mean, and that will just shut down any communication on the subject. As someone else pointed out, my main issue is that do I move in with them as I fear that he will always put her needs before mine.
Counsellor needs to know.
Absolutely a no brainer and sooooooo inappropriate etc etc.
Tell the counsellor and if the father has made an innocent mistake and sees the error of his ways then move on. If its as innocent as you say it should be easy to stop.
If he defends himself too forcefully then you and the counsellor definitely have to take alarm and let the bio-mother know that the girl moving in would be a bad idea. Even to the point where the counsellor contacts child protective services if this totally wrong behavoir doesn't cease.
Tally
I would give you the same advice others have given me about my SD8 and FH's obsession over each other. Your SD14 is going to become confused as to what type of male contact is appropriate and what is not. If it's ok to have her father see her naked in the bath, it must be ok for other men/boys to see her naked too. This is what her 14 yo mind is going to feel. Girls at that age (and earlier) MUST have a sense of modesty toward the opposite sex (father or not) or, as everyone has pointed out, boundaries are blurred. Bring it up in counciling that way. I go through the same thing as you with my FH...I don't want to ever come across like I'm accusing him of any kind of sexual misconduct, but I really don't think he sees the harm he is doing. So I brought it up to him this way and he *shockingly* didn't go ape sh*t on me and actually said, "Ok, that makes sense".
Hi I am 26 adult
Hi
I am 26 adult stepdaughter. Even though me and my dad are close when I was that age would not of wanted his to wash my hair in the bath. Explain to him she is old enought to that sort of thing herself and how other people might see this.