How to move on from constant bad behavior?
My husband said something last night that really got to me. He said I was mean to my step son half the time.
Now, let me say that the last 6 months with SS7 have been hell. He is this angry emotional roller coaster. Filled with lies and destruction. He was never an easy kid but since the incubator has been back it has been more than I can take most days.
SO, How do I move forward and stop looking at all the bad part and focus on the good? I don't want my kids to think the bad behavior that SS does is acceptable but I am so tired of living in a battlefield. I can't be a good mother to any of my kids (bios -5 &7 and SS) if I am angry and stressed all the time. Disengaging isn't an option. I am the primary parent whether I like it or not.
Back story- BM (the incubator) has been gone most of SS7's life. He was abused and neglected the time he did spend with her. She is now back and "sober" with yet another child. This makes 3 and the only one she has custody of since this baby daddy is in jail. Latest therapist thinks SS has RAD. DH didn't like that so we are "counselor" shopping at the moment... yay me...
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For me, its very hard to
For me, its very hard to overlook bad behavior, especially from a kid that isn't mine. Don't beat yourself up over it. The best thing to do in this situation, since you are the custodial step-parent, is make your husband step up and deal with his unruly child. If he thinks you are not being impartial, it's not going to change, no matter what you do. Just make comments to the kid when he actually does something good, otherwise, keep pestering your husband to do something to fix it.
Some men have expectations that are too high and almost impossible to meet when it comes to their children. If he's not happy with the job you're doing in raising his kid, or supporting you in your roll as "mother,"let him do it. He'll get good and tired of it after a while and get on the support train with you.
That is a big problem with
That is a big problem with us- those rose colored glasses when seeing his child.
Make sure your husband knows
Make sure your husband knows it is just frustration with trying to deal with a kid who is doing things that any parent would want to discipline over and it isn't related to him being a step. Then try new approaches if your current ones aren't working.
Also, get him to do more of the discipline. Men have an easier time getting kids to behave without having to flip out on them or get emotional. You'll be much less frazzled if he does the majority of the discipline and you do the majority of the comforting and nurturing. Play to your stengths - there's two of you for a reason!
The problem is that I have
The problem is that I have him alone 90% of the time for parenting and I can't count on DH to follow through with any punishments he sets.
Why? Does he work all the
Why? Does he work all the time or something? Shouldn't he want to be around for his kid's childhood and formative years? Contrary to popular belief dads aren't great dads just by being walking talking atm's.
i haven't been able to figure
i haven't been able to figure it out. And I was able to mostly disengage. So I feel for you.
SS7 has been in my life since he was about 2. Hes been nothing but chaos, it hasn't gotten better, he's just gotten bigger and older. I am not allowed to discipline and DH took the parenting class of 'don't do that again or next time....' online course and passed with flying colors.
So, SS has never been punished other than being potentially told not to do it again and a 20 minute lecture on why not while completely tuning DH out.
SS got happy pills for ADHD about a month back now, he is calm now but still the mean spirited personality that he was before, just without the volume and constant moving attached. DH is thrilled and joyous that SS is now 'good' and we are all supposed to applaud and cheer in his honor.
Well, I can't. I have 5 years of pent up resentment for constant chaos and pain which is a mountain that I have not climbed over.
A few weeks of 'quieter' behavior doesn't erase all that, not to mention the happy pills are to stop when school is done, then what....
So no advice, but I hear you pain.
I think my husband went to
I think my husband went to that online course too!! LOL
You and I have very similar situations and you are right about the compounding resentment. My SS is very mean spirited as well. Hard to cope with.