Okay, here's the thing about showers. I used to go to all of them, and I'm not a social butterfly, so it was pretty much super uncomfortable. Even when the shower was for someone I liked.

I'm 34. I've got a lot of shit to do. Now when I get a shower invite and I REALLY don't want to go...I just don't go. The important thing is to send a gift. So, muster up something pretty nice from her registry, send it along, and don't go add to the awkward if you don't feel like it.

If you need a reason, use diarreah. I do it ALL the time. "I'm so sorry I didn't show up to Timmy's bris. I had diarreah." "Oh no! I'm afraid I won't be able to make it to that Pampered Dildo Candle party you're hosting! I've got a raging case of the hothouse slides. Darn, I was REALLY looking forward to hearing what's new in the lube and scented wax department surrounded by a bunch of people that I normally wouldn't pee on if they were on fire."

Diarreah. No one will press you for details, trust me.

ba ha ha ha. Diarreah is a good one.

Well I wasn't invited to any of SD's showers and in hindsight I am glad of it today although I was hurt at the time.

I would definitely call up a couple of the ladies who are invited to the shower and ask them. If they are not invited it is not on you at all. Whoever is throwing the showers will look bad. Don't worry about that.

If your relationship with SD has been rocky it might be best not to go though. If there is no buffer or friend you can sit with don't go. It will be too stressful and miserable for you. You do not have to put yourself in that situation for ANYONE!

Love the diarrhea idea, I'll have to remember that for an excuse when I need one!

Bottom line (pardon the pun is that you should not go. Send a gift and a heartfelt note with whatever excuse you choose for not going. Then let it go and don't worry another minute about it.

Quite frankly, your SD and the rest of her crew probably won't miss you being there. And the benefit is ultimately for YOU ... you don't have to spend hours beforehand getting upset/worried and then sitting there uncomfortably for hours.

I didn't think you had to get a gift for the shower AND the wedding...hmmm...Oh well, no big deal with me since I don't go to many weddings lol

Good luck, I am thankful we dodged that bullet!

You think you have to but you don't. Life is too short. If you turned the tables, would Sd get this outside her comfort zone for you? You can honor her in other ways. I'd say paying a majority of the wedding without input is honoring her.

My very aggressive SDIL sent an invite for sd's baby shower. SDIL loves to use exclusion. Even though there would only be 10 ppl probably at the shower. She wrote an invitation to me that stated she and MIL (both acted as my nemesis without provocation) and Bm (never an issue,but awkward) were throwing the shower. Her emphasis that the three of them threw the shower ( I was the only female in family not involved) was very consistent with her desire to make me feel excluded. The invite also came right after I ticked her off about something.

It felt very good to promptly click no without excuse. I sent a gift card and a card to sd. In the past, my sd had oftentimes not acknowledged my birthday at all or had returned a gift card if there was drawing after I had spent hours getting her gifts. I had learned that it was wise to be a minimalist gift giver to avoid feeling snubbed.

I knew none of them would attend an intimate event with their spouse's ex( I'm the only one who would even consider it). In days past I would have gone out of a heavy sense of obligation that had never gained me any relief from constant criticism in the past.

Something my MIL said indicated they talked about me. Possibly speculating why I didn't come (jealous because I may not have more kids.. I just don't think like this).

Awhile after all this I moved. I don't plan on attending any more events except for funerals, and even that's questionable. I don't hate anyone,I simply don't see the point in attending events with people who have acted as my enemy without cause. Attending these events have never furthered our relationship in the past. They've served as a trigger for me and an opportunity for rudeness for them. I'm done with all that nonsense.

If you're primary motive is to go so you don't look like a jerk, think of where that has gotten you in the past. If you're like me, it's probably gotten you knots in the stomach and a kick in the face. My first Christmas at home by myself was one of my best ever. I realized then that life was indeed too short to stress out about events like this. Acknowledge and honor her if you want (gift, card etc...). Just make sure to do it in a way that doesn't cause you pain.

Two options....1...decide to not give a f$&@ and do not go. Send a gift and be done. 2...go and stay for the two glasses of wine you will consume. Then leave. Nobody will miss you and you will have showed your face. Me personally I would go with first option. I am done caring what people think of me. Oh and these are people who have purposefully hurt me, double do not care!!!
Do not waste time agonizing over this. They likely really do not care.

OMG, GoodbyeNormaJean, I am LMAO at the "Pampered Dildo Candle party" comment! That was awesome!

Oh, and I definitely agree with Rising Above It. Don't put yourself in a bad situation. For what? It's lose lose. Offer apologies - something suddenly came up - can't make it.

I just found out recently that my ysd is pregnant. I have already made up my mind. Even if I am invited to a baby shower I am not going. I probably won't be invited but that is fine by me.