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Is this a big deal or am I over reacting?

krazykaty's picture

Submitted by krazykaty on Fri, 04/26/2013 - 9:22am

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I know that I'm still a tad hormonal (just had my 1st period after having DD 4 months ago) and really exhausted, as DD has been sick this week.

Last night, I was helping DH add an event to his calendar on his new phone, as he had asked. As I returned the phone, one of us clicked the icon for his texts. I saw that he sent a text to "E".

A little backstory on "E". DH dated "E" before he married BM. When "E" found out that DH and BM were divorcing, "E" renewed their "friendship". According to DH, they would go to dinner and movies a few times a month. They were physical, but no home runs. I didn't beg for details. "E" was never introduced to SD. DH ended things a few weeks before we were introduced. "E" attempted to break us up by telling him that I was still involved with my ex. DH and I were able to work through it, but I asked that no longer be in contact with "E". He agreed. Shortly after we got married, "E" took a job in Boston.

After the bombings on April 15th, DH sent her a text. All I saw was the top line in the text asking if she was ok. All in all, I glanced at the text for less than 30 seconds.

Now of course, I'm wondering, is this the 1st time they've been in contact? Is the contact going to become a regular thing? I somewhat understand reaching out after a tragedy. As much as I hate that he kept it from me, I can even understand why he would feel like he couldn't tell me. Even so, I'm still seriously upset! I'm bouncing back and forth between understanding the situation and wanting to smack him upside the head.

butterflybloom's picture

Submitted by butterflybloom on Fri, 04/26/2013 - 9:35am

You probably are feeling very hormonal...however; with that aside....I WOULD BE GOING OUT OF MIND CRAZY IF I WOULD SEE OR FIND ANY CONTACT BETWEEN DH AND N E OTHER WOMAN. Yes i know the bombing were terrible...but in all honestly..i don't wish n e thing wrong to my ex's but i don't care to know either. I go through my husband's phone all the tme...in front of him, behind his back, he don't care cuz he has noting to hide. or atleast he is smart enough to erase the messages!!!! lol...so your husband should't get mad cuz you are wondering whats going on? he shouldn't feel offended, if anything your the one that should feel offended. His reaction will answer everything you need to know.

RedWingsFan's picture

Submitted by RedWingsFan on Fri, 04/26/2013 - 9:46am

I'd be upset, yes. Since he'd told you that he was breaking contact with her, he shouldn't have texted her. Or, if he was so concerned about her after that event, he could've told you "Hey, I am just going to give E a quick text to be sure she's alright".

To me, it means he still thinks about her (on some level: friendship, past lover, SOMETHING) and that in itself would bother me.

I'd definitely talk with him about it. Let him know how you feel or it'll take its toll on you and eventually your relationship.

Merry's picture

Submitted by Merry on Fri, 04/26/2013 - 9:52am

It would be a big deal to me. But my DH does have a history of dallying online with other women. (He calls innocent fun, I call it emotional affairs.) If he was concerned about E, he should have FIRST honored his promise to you not to be in contact with her (and his marriage vow of forsaking all others as Cheri said) by asking if you minded if he dropped her a quick text to check on her. Then it's not a secret. You could have responded "sure," or "that would bother me" and the two of you could have handled this as the partners you are supposed to be.

Here's what you'll get if you ask him about it (and I think you should). "I didn't want to upset you." "I was just concerned about my friend." "It was just a text message." "You're overreacting." Somehow, this will be your fault as he uses all the defenses he can come up with. The bottom line is that he broke his word to you. That hurts. You are entitled to your feelings about it and he needs to respect that.

I get this was a scary incident. I am sure he was concerned about her. But being secretive about it is just wrong.

oldone's picture

Submitted by oldone on Fri, 04/26/2013 - 9:54am

If DH contacted BM in ANY manner again (we had a big blow up about his stopping by to see her a few years ago) I would be livid. Beyond livid. She did not contact him (she was pissed that I was on the scene) when the older SS died.

That bitch can rot in hell. DH does not hold any grudges against her though and says he will always "love" her but he is not in love with her. So my condition for me to stick around is zero contact with her. She did call him once when younger ss27 needed to go to the hospital but it was only because she wanted to dump him off.

krazykaty's picture

Submitted by krazykaty on Fri, 04/26/2013 - 11:48am

Normally I would have, but DD was crying and I was more focused on her than the text. Really, it was like an hour later when I was like, "WTF?" But by then I really was too tired to get into anything. He knows that I want to talk when we both get some alone time tonight.

imjustthemaid's picture

Submitted by imjustthemaid on Fri, 04/26/2013 - 10:45am

I would not be happy at all and I probably would have flipped!! I don't trust other women and their intentions at all. I live in Boston, want me to go beat her up for you? }:)

TASHA1983's picture

Submitted by TASHA1983 on Fri, 04/26/2013 - 11:00am

EXACTLY!!! SAME HERE!!! I dont trust ANY OTHER FEMALES AND THEIR "INTENTIONS"...men are so blind and naive to other women's "games" and motives but us GOOD women KNOW what they are up to!!! I have seen it on many occasions and I let my BF know either verbally or by my body language that what I am seeing/hearing is NOT OK!!! It is defintiely something that I would dump a man over...when it comes to ANYTHING having to do with other females I do NOT mess around ONE BIT!!!

krazykaty's picture

Submitted by krazykaty on Fri, 04/26/2013 - 12:04pm

This is exactly what I'm worried about. Even if "E" didn't live over 1,000 miles and 15 hours away, I trust that DH wouldn't have a physical affair. Even with just having a baby, I feel that we're on good terms. In fact, last weekend, we did our 1st night away from all the kids.

I definitely DON'T trust her. She's always been the sort of woman who loves the
D-R-A-M-A and I wouldn't put it past her to attempt to stir up some trouble. I'm not worried that our marriage wouldn't survive it. It would. I firmly believe that there is nothing that we can't get through. I would just really really prefer not to have to spend time and energy "fixing" things.

Merry's picture

Submitted by Merry on Fri, 04/26/2013 - 12:38pm

YUP.

TASHA1983's picture

Submitted by TASHA1983 on Fri, 04/26/2013 - 10:57am

There is ABSOLUTELY, POSITIVELY NO EXCUSE FOR A MAN THAT IS IN A COMMITED RELATIONSHIP OR MARRIAGE TO BE "CONTACTING" ANY EX'S OR OTHER WOMEN...PERIOD. DOT.
NOR, SHOULD ANY OTHER WOMEN BE "ALLOWED" TO CONTACT A MAN THAT IS IN A COMMITED RELATIONSHIP OR MARRIAGE...BECAUSE THAT MAN SHOULD IMMEDIATELY TELL SAID WOMEN TO NEVER CONTACT HIM AGAIN AND IF SHE SHOULD CONTACT HIM AGAIN HE SHOULD EITHER BLOCK HER # OR CHANGE HIS #....

IMHO anything that has to do with other females is a MAJOR deal breaker for me!!! If you want to look at, drool over, gawk at, flirt with, kiss, etc. ANY OTHER WOMAN other than ME your gf/wife THEN BE SINGLE because I will NEVER TOLERATE THAT SHIT FROM ANY MAN EVER AGAIN...& NO WOMAN EVER SHOULD!!!

Just saying....

Disneyfan's picture

Submitted by Disneyfan on Fri, 04/26/2013 - 11:18am

Not everyone is that insecure.

I could not be with someone who had these crazy expectations. I'm still friends with a few men I've dated. Two of them are track workers for the MTA. Just this week a worker was killed on the tracks. Yup, I called both of them.
I've been friends with one for 28 years (high school sweetheart) and the other for 14 years.
I hardly ever see them. I speak to them a few times a year (birthdays, Mother's/Father's Day...)
They both know about DF, as a matter of fact, he met both of them.
I’ve only dated one person that had an issue with these friendships. That guy turned out to be a jealous, insecure, control freak.

TASHA1983's picture

Submitted by TASHA1983 on Fri, 04/26/2013 - 1:24pm

EXACTLY CHERI!!!

I do admit I am an insecure person, my past relationships and men in general have not helped that in any way either...BUT it is most definitely about respect! If two people are CHOOSING to be together for the long haul or in general they should RESPECT eachother and leave the opposite sex OUT of the equation! TOO MANY things can happen and temptation can be a very strong, seductive thing!!!

My BF and I's motto is to "preserve & protect" what we have/share!!! We do not allow or open the door for eachother to doubt or mistrust eachother. That is what love and respect are ALL about!!!

Merry's picture

Submitted by Merry on Fri, 04/26/2013 - 12:50pm

It's not insecurity. Remember OPs DH had said he would no longer be in touch with E. Then he did without telling the OP. That is the problem here. Under the scary circumstances in Boston, OP might have said "sure, check on her" had DH mentioned that he wanted to send a text. I don't think most of us are saying that men and women can't be friends. But it can be a slippery slope for some men, for some women too I think.

For me, DH broke several promises to me about contacting women with whom I felt the online interaction was inappropriate. And we both have plenty of male and female friends. His interaction with these few women bothered me, but the broken promises are much more painful. Still.