Yesterday we buried DH's brother. 2 of DHs daughters, SD23 and SD21 did not even make the time to come and see him before the funeral despite arriving in town 2 days before (they stayed at BMs). I have no idea what they were thinking; how can you not realise that you should be at your father's side as he prepares for something like that? Thank god for SD25 who came straight to the house when she got in the night before, and stayed with us, and even SD17 who is a bit of nightmare came over during the day to help prepare for the service.

These are not bad girls, they love their Dad, but on this occasion they have been shockingly thoughtless. I was so angry on his behalf, and could not even say anything to DH for fear of making him feel even worse. When I dropped my 3 children at my parents before setting off to join DH on the morning of the funeral I had to have a rapid vent with my mother before leaving.

SS15, who has eliminated me from his life for over a year, was to be one of the pallbearers. He was supposed to be travelling with his mother to the church. DH was supposed to be dropping SD25 at the church and then meeting me at the start of the cortege. Unbeknownst to me, while I was dropping the children at my parents DH and BM decided it made more sense for BM to take OSD and DH to bring SS15 so he could go in the second funeral car. DH had enough sense to text me to warn me he had SS15 with him before we met, as I would probably have keeled over in shock, but oh my god, since we parked at the place where the reception would be held after the burial the 3 of us had to do a 10 minute walk to my sister-in-law's house, where the funeral cars would depart from.

It was beyond awkward. Since SS15 basically blanks me whenever he sees me I decided to save myself the upset of being blanked again and just got out of the car, greeted DH, he took my hand and we set off with SS15 walking 5 paces behind the ENTIRE WAY. At one point I actually felt sorry for SS15, despite the fact that he has perpetuated this ridiculous rift for over a year and nearly brought down our marriage. I whispered to DH would he like to drop back and walk with SS15 but he said no. Unbeknownst to me he had already had words with SS15 about being civil, to which SS15 had responded 'I'll say hello to her if she says hello to me' a ridiculously childish comment which prompted DH to remind him that he was the one who had refused my every attempt to resolve the situation. At which point SS went into a huff.

As predicted BM behaved like she was still one of the family and stayed at the reception till the bitter end. DH and I left the reception briefly to collect our children and bring them back, and saw her driving away as we returned. Finally, I thought, she has realised that it's not appropriate to stay all day for the funeral of someone whose family you are no longer part of. I actually relaxed. But no, she had gone to collect her youngest from school and an hour later she was back.

Meanwhile I had been unable to stop myself from speaking to SD23 and SD21 after the service and asking where they had been the previous day, in a way that made my feelings on the subject very clear. This made them both very uncomfortable, but at the same time resentful. As always, with hindsight, I should have bitten my tongue, because although they made more effort with DH, presumably because they realise they messed up, I simultaneously got the cold shoulder. It made him feel better I think, but is now a typical shoot-the-messenger situation which is a shame because I have mostly got on very well with SD23 and 21. I might have a card saying 'I will not interfere' laminated to remind me of this for the future.

At any rate the service was very moving and a credit to DH who had worked very hard to plan it. Hundreds of people turned out to pay their respects to my brother-in-law and do him proud. I also had something of an epiphany. Things have been troubled with DH over the last year as a result of the problems with SS15 and SD17. He really wants to make things work. I watched him standing there waiting to carry the coffin in to the chapel and all the reasons why I fell for him in the first place came flooding back: his strength and kindness and loyalty and humour. It feels good to rediscover the positives and I feel more hopeful that we can protect our relationship against the damage caused by issues with my stepchildren.