Gift Giving Ettiquette and the Blended Family
"If you haven't enough for everyone then don't offer at all."
~ everyone's mother has said this at some time or another
This is part of the manners I was brought up with. Every kid got a valentine from me whether I liked them or not. Once I was too old to have the entire class over for a birthday party, I was under strict instructions not to hand my invites out at school or in front of other kids. It was a matter of practicing common sense.
So why, do seemingly intelligent adults - the very same ones whom raised us with such standards - lose any ability to use their heads?
My stepson is fortunate in that all my extended family treat him as another one of my children. He gets his equal share at birthdays and Christmases. Even my ex-husband acknowledges that his children have another sibling in my household and will send the token present back home. Similarly, I know and acknowledge the birthdays of the children with his second wife; afterall, they are my kids' siblings.
However, when it comes to my husband's extended family, my children are not so lucky...
It has been 13yrs that we have been together as a family (full-time custodial home) and my mother-in-law still behaves as though she must single-handedly make up for the fact that my stepsons bio-mom is not in the picture. She showers him with gifts, and takes him on holiday with her each summer.
Without asking our permission or thoughts on the idea, my mother-in-law told my stepson she was taking him to Mexico for two weeks for a luxury vacation. THis has thrown our whole family into turmoil. The boys (same age and raised as twins since 2yrs old) are bitter with one another and a similar wedge has been driven between my husband and I. He knows what she has done is stupid and is angry at her for both not talking to him about it first and for not including the other boy. He knows he should say 'No' to her; but heck, its his mom. How can he do that without hurting her feelings?
We've discussed finding some way to pay for the other boy's way ourself and have discussed it with him. He says even if granny agrees, how could he possibly go and have a good time? He will know he's not welcome, and we know she will resent it.
We've discussed with my stepson that we have not yet said yes, and he has reacted bitterly towards the other saying it will all be his fault if he doesn't get to go.
I/we can't win! Any way you see it there are hurt feelings. I can't help but think this woman has planned on this happening.
Anyway, any thought of having a good Christmas is now completely out of the question.
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Comments
I feel the same
Christmas is over a month away, and already issues are coming up. My inlaws spend tons of money on ss but won't get my kids much at all. And then they'll give him a card with 200 dollars in it and my boys will sit there and watch him open it. I hate it. We are having trouble with what's 'fair' in our own household. Basically, the problem is this... my ex will buy my kids a few little things for xmas, mostly dollar store stuff because he doesn't have a lot of money. So, it's pretty much my job to see that they have a decent christmas. I don't spend a ton, but I do want them to get a few nice things. On the other hand, my fiance's ex will spend every last dollar she has on ss. So ss get's a ton from his mom, her family, and my fiance's family. Therefore, I don't think we should spend as much $$ on him. Not to mention that we don't even have him on xmas day. My fiance thinks that unfair, that we should spend the same amount on ss as we do on my kids. Guess we'll see what happens.
You can't help what other
You can't help what other people give him/them, but you don't have to expose your children to the inequity. They don't have to be in the audience to watch SS open his cash-loaded card, do they?
We've had this problem, but my husband sees it a little differently. He knows that his kids from his first marriage get from their mother and her family, as well as from us, while our kids get only from us. So we've always taken into account how much of a haul the kids get in TOTAL and we make adjustments as needed. We spend more on our two and less on his other three, but I've always tried to be very creative in my shopping so that each kid gets the same number of packages to unwrap. Now that his kids are older and only want cash/gift cards, that has taken a lot of the hassle out of my Christmas shopping experience.
~ Anne ~
That's how I feel...
I don't want ANY kid to be shortchanged, so to speak. I think it should be fair. Not equal necessarily... but fair. I wish my fiance would see it that way. The only way for my kids not to see my ss open his 200 dollar card is if either a) they don't go to the grandparents house. (probably not possible as it's a huge family event and dinner) or b) ss opens it privately. Plan b would be ok with me, if we can get the family to go along with it. I just don't want to see the look of dissapointment on my kids faces is all.
Same rant different stories...
Making up the difference in the name of 'fairness' in this case is the equivalent of a $3000 airfair/resort ticket - not exactly in our budget.
My two kids (boy almost
My two kids (boy almost nine, girl almost four) are treated 100% the same by my husband's parents, which is great. My mom-in-law goes overboard to make sure that everything is 100% equal. In fact, my son is actually from a previous marriage, but my mom-in-law has treated him just like any of the other grandkids since day one. My husband did adopt him, but even before the adoption was final, my mom-in-law had him on her lap telling stories and carting him off to Wal-Mart for shopping adventures just like she did with her other grandkids. I will go to my grave loving this woman for being so welcoming when my husband and I first got together. She has become my best friend.
However, it's a totally different story with my own mother. My mother and stepfather always go overboard with my son and not so much with my daughter. I think because he was the oldest and we lived closer to them then, so they had more time to really bond with him. Also, I think they sort of wanted him to be the child they never had together. (Gee, thanks for trying to hijack my kid, Mom.) Another thing is that when my daughter was too young to know the difference, I guess they just didn't feel like they HAD to make sure it was all equal. After all, as an infant and toddler, what did she know?! But now that she's almost four, she notices BIG TIME if her brother gets a package in the mail and she doesn't. So recently when it happened, she asked to call her grandmother and when I put her on the phone with my mom, she said "Nana, where's my package?" Coming from an adorable 3 yo with that sweet little voice, it was heartbreaking! When I got on the phone with my mom, I told her that sending the boy stuff was great and I thanked her, of course, but I also told her that it isn't fair to my daughter, who gets very hurt feelings when it happens. I told her that if she can't be fair, then don't send anyone anything. I think it taught my mom a lesson about favoring one child over the other, because she hasn't really done it since.
~ Anne ~