Adult SS 34, married,with 1 year old son can't keep his nose out of our(his mothers and I) marriage.
Read my bio for a snap shot picture. My wife has been recently diagnosed as being bi-polar II. She's on meds and doing fairly well. Couple that with SAD and you've got a smoldering fire waiting for a breeze. Seems my 32 year old SS just can't help provoding that breeze. When ever my wife and I have and trouble in our marriage ,bills,money issues, etc she calls her mother. Thats fine but she often calls one of her daughters who immediatly call her other 3 sibs. We have been married for 8 years and been together for 10.
It is my second marriage first one lasted 26 years. I am my wifes 3rd husband. Her first lasted 14 years and produced the 4 Step kids. Alcohol ended that one. Her second lasted 9 years he walked away without a word literaly! I suspect the step kids and her undiagnosed Bi polar were the cause.
When I met her the next year she was On the mend and we hit it off well. Her kids ,at the time,were not happy that Mom had a new man in her life. Their father had a wife whome they all hated and his marriage was rocky at the same time I met their mom.
She moved into my new house after about 6 months and we were married 18 months later. Her kids have always been mostly cold ,tolerant,and condecending toward me. I wrote it off to thier fantasy dream of mom and dad getting back together.
But in 2007 My wife got pregnant. A surprise but a happy one. Even bigger surprise when we found out twins! We were very up front and personaly told each of them face to face. WELL! the reaction we got was unexpected to say the least. My oldest SD had the nerve to say "you two should have talked to all of us first before you did this". My answer was "who talked to your mom about having you?"
Next came the questions. Why? your supposed to be Grandparents not parents. do you guys have will's? Who gets the kids when you die? "after all we will be the ones raising your kids for you" How much money do you guys have ?
Our answer was " none of your business" "we're 52" . "Both adults who have done this before" and "yes we have wills" and "none of you are in them". "The twins are and they will be taken care of should we both be struck down at the same time. "
Since that day the extended stepfamily has been shall we say distant. Except for my SS. At 32 he believes he has read the scrolls of truth about life ,living and how it should be. He constantly stirs up trouble and the slightest hint of friction between his mother and I. Yet is very indignant and vocal when we give any hint of what we have learned or experienced in our combined 116 years on earth.
Im at my limit of being polite and letting it run off my back with him.
If I attack him verbaly and read him the riot act so to speak I fear my wife ,in her bi-polar episodes will quickly defend and side with him . So what Am I to do?
I ahve gotten thru to one of my SD's and she says' "My brothers a jerk ignore him" Easier said than done when after he visits my wife and I are at odds for a few days or more till things settle back down.
Should I confront him? Maybe talk to his Father? (I can).
Between My wife and I we have adult children all married with kids of thier own. Only one.. My eldest .age 29. accepts her little brother and sister as family. Its hard in a blended family. Throw in Bi-polar and adult kids who appear to want to break up their moms new family and its beyond hard.
If anything it might be
If anything it might be Better to have your wife talk to him. Really what he says doesn't matter because you and your wife will take care of these beautiful little babies no matter what anyone says. And the children between a loving couple are always going to be the first priority. The other kids are probably a but jealous, or worried about their inheritance, now that the babies come first. Maybe it is best to get ss back by simply being really happy with your wife and new babies and making sure the babies are always taken care of well and 1st..
Thank you all so much. I will
Thank you all so much. I will try and remind myself of my SK's Irrelevence. That may work for me. @ StepAside My wife first husband was and still is an Alcoholic as are 3 of my SK's. @ sd's and the SS. They choose not to see it but they all drink to excess when they can and do drink everyday and brag about it via Facebook . My wife quit drinking back then and entered rehab, thats what ended the marriage.
I agree with SA - do not let
I agree with SA - do not let SS's opinions matter anymore. In one ear and out the other LOL.
If you react and get upset it gives him power - he will continue doing it.
If you ignore it and change the subject it will leave him speechless. Do not fall into his trap - it is a game for him and he feels like he is winning right now.
When wife gets moody after talking to SS, try to cheer her up instead of trying to find out what SS said. Offer to go for a walk together, offer her some tea, ask about what she wants to do that day etc. Do not engage in conversations with wife about SS - this is a NO NO.
Good luck.
@ beaccountable. Yes its true
@ beaccountable. Yes its true I don't want to add even more stress to an alrerady delicate situation. If she would tell her kids,especialy her son, to mind thier own business with me by her side that would be great. But I doubt that will ever happen. But who knows? She has always acted more ,and they have treated her,like a child or sibbling than their mother. I mean there is almost no respect as child to parent. She allows this ,I believe, out of guilt over her not fighting for full time custody of them when she go sober and left thier father. She has told me this many times" If I knew the law and had a better lawyer I would have fought more for them back then,"
Seasonasl affective disorder(winter blues) also has a large part of her mental additude. I've alway's been able to deal with that for her.
I am doing what our councelor advises. stay the course and the manic/depessive episodes will pass. don't try to fix anything while she is not able to "listen".
She is being treated for the bi-polar but its not 100% effective. People can still relapse while on the drugs. Upping the dosage has its own risks and potentially long term and permanent side effects. No one wants her to be a zombie. The doctor is certain this phase will subside and she'll be better.
His words on the SK's are " Don't confront them head on if you can help it. They will,especially her son,immediatly go to her and vilify you and she will defend them.
Worsening the current situation and entrenching them more deeply.
Better to go around them to thier spouses and (my) inlaws and see how they feel about the situation. Your wife telling you how they feel is most likley far from accurate."