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First right of Refusal???? Question for you all

Catlover's picture

Submitted by Catlover on Wed, 04/08/2009 - 9:55am

Just wondering if you have any experience w/ this? DH and I have been in a 6 month battle over the placement schedule (we have 50/50) with BM. The GAL came up with a schedule that gives BM the skids always on her days off (she works 24hr shifts). DH also works a job that puts him away for at times days on end. This means that for the most part, I have been the primary parent/caregiver while DH is gone since I am a stay at home mom w/ BD1. The GAL stated that because BM's schedule was "more predictable" than DH's, DH would need to have the skids on days he works, as opposed to BM. DH and I finally conceded that the GAL's schedule was workable, though not preferable mostly because the skids wanted that schedule. We told the GAL we'd agree to the schedule he proposed. BM responded by saying "no", and counterproposed the exact same schedule that we had (her having skids on a crazy rotating schedule 4 on, 5 off, 4 on, 1 off etc). She has been unable to offer any other alternatives, and refuses anything else other than this. The schedule she proposes also has her w/ skids for 90% of weekends (DH's normal time off)

In addition, BM is requesting a "first right of refusal" for any period of time over 3 hours. If this goes through, does that mean that I as SM would have to offer up the skids to her any time DH is gone for more than 3 hrs??? That would be nuts! I would have to call her at 3am when DH is called into work?? Furthermore does that go both ways then? If I am expected to give the skids up to her, than certainly if she is unable to take the skids during her time and DH is working, I wouldn't be expected to watch the skids then, right? GRRR.

In addition, because DH is agreeing w/ the GAL and BM is the one refusing and making us go to court, can we request she pay some of our legal bills? We will be talking to our lawyer next week, but I am curious if any of you have run into this? Thanks!

Comments

tryingtofindpeace's picture

Submitted by tryingtofindpeace on Wed, 04/08/2009 - 10:04am

first off, this did not exist when i was a child of divorce...so i had no idea what it was...
My DH and BM have a four hour right of first refusal clause in their agreement.
Step mothers do not count. I have no rights to the children. I am viewed by BM as a babysitter. Talk about degrading. So yes, if your DH is working and away from skids for over four hours, you have to offer them to the BM.
It is ridiculous and insulting.

stepmasochist's picture

Submitted by stepmasochist on Wed, 04/08/2009 - 10:10am

FH got custody of his kids because we were seriously concerned about their well-being while in BMs care. If they are not with him, hell, a nightmarish daycare run by halfway nice sober people is better than going to her all the time.

I suppose your circumstance is different though, but he can refuse that if it's in your best interest and ya'll can duke it out with her.

fruitloop's picture

Submitted by fruitloop on Wed, 04/08/2009 - 10:45am

And it usually works out for the best. But every situation is different. Basically, Trying is right - the SM has no rights to the kids. I am a SM and a BM, and it usually sucks when my SD has to be sent back to her BM if my DH gets called into work - but at the same time I kinda like it because then I am not relied on as her babysitter...neither my DH or BM can just assume that I will watch SD if DH is not there. (And from many other posts, that is frequently a problem for many of you!)

And if it was to occur at 3 am, well I would hope that all adults involved would realize that it is not in the kids best interest to wake them up in the middle of the night to be dragged back over to the other parent. Maybe wait at least til a reasonable hour of the morning to call BM and let her know what's up.

Mine is set at 2 hours. I have a very predicatble 9-5 type schedule so I am rarely unavailable to be with my kids. But their BD has an erratic schedule. And this was put in place to prevent him from just dropping the kids off wherever he felt like it whenever he felt like it instead of actually spending time with them like he should be. I have a pretty decent relationship with my kids SM...so sometimes, I don't care and let the kids stay with their SM (if SHE is ok with it of course!!) instead of coming back home to me. But other times, I could plan something with them myself so I say yeah, bring them home.

Visitation schedules should take both parents work schedules into account - and as such, the BioParent should be available to be with the kids during the visitation period. Of course, there is always the occassional emergency or whatever and I think First Right of Refusal covers that.

Rags's picture

Submitted by Rags on Wed, 04/08/2009 - 10:57am

is not a good idea IMHO.

eg ... If Dad wants part of his time to go to his parents so you and he can have a night out or if Mom wants part of her time to be used so the kid can spend time with cousins then that should be OK.

First right of refusal for anything over 3hrs away from the other BioParent sounds like an absolute nightmare to me.

Best regards,

WowjustWow's picture

Submitted by WowjustWow on Wed, 04/08/2009 - 12:03pm

And complicated. I think it is 100 times easier to say "BM has kids this day(s) and BF has kids this day(s)." God, if we had to worry about DH being at work late or if the kids were sick and someone needed to stay home with them, it would be a nightmare. Of course my skids are 12 & 14, so it's a little easier to think they are ok. Now, that's not to say DH would ever turn Skids down if BM didn't want them or couldn't get them one weekend, but I think it is unnecessary to have a clause about it in the Custody Agreement.

I'm sure BM would love it, just to make things more complicated for us, or to try and butt into our lives. The only thing we have first right of refusal on (and not sure if it the same) is for summer vacation time. They each pick 3 weeks to have the kids, and depending on the year (even or odd) BM or DH has veto power. My favorite was last year when we asked BM to switch one of the weeks so Skids grandma could see them while she was in town, and she told us "I have plans with them already!" They sat around the house and did nothing that week, and the kids didn't get to see Grandma. Awful isn't it?

Gestalt's picture

Submitted by Gestalt on Wed, 04/08/2009 - 12:24pm

ROFR works both ways....it could be a way for dad to get extra time too...I have rarely seen it for a period of time as short as 3 hours, sometimes four, six is more common, 8 about normal

"The beauty of life is, while we cannot undo what is done, we can see it, understand it, learn from it and change, So that every new moment is spent not in regret, guilt, fear or anger, but in wisdom, understanding, and love." -Jennifer Edwards