Please help, my stepson might be bullying my daughter at school.
Hi, I recently started seeing my new boyfriend whose son (7 years old) is in my daughters (7 years old) class at school. My 3 kids and his 2 sons get on brilliantly when they are all together but at school it seems to be a different story, my daughter comes home every single night saying he has hit her, pushed her over or said nasty things to her. He is going home to his mum saying the same, their teacher says its 6 of one and half a dozen of the other. But it's obviously causing friction between me, my boyfriend and his ex and we don't know how to resolve it. We have tried sitting them down individually and discussing it, my daughter ends up in tears saying it's all him and my stepson blames it all on my daughter. So I thought I would come here and see if anyone else has had the same problem and hopefully get some help in resolving it. Thanks in advance.
I always thought for young
I always thought for young kids, picking on each other is because they have a crush on them. In high school a guy used to do what I thought was bullying me, and only me, to the point where I'd be in tears. Turns out he liked me which he only professed after he was drunk at a party.
Anyway, ask the teacher what is actually happening, and who is starting it. Ask her to separate them and not allow them to be near each other in class. On your daughter's side, she needs to learn to ignore, ignore, ignore and remove herself from the situation as quickly as possible and not escalate or engage with him (if it is his problem and your daughter didn't start it.) I mean seriously, if the teacher is not stopping it from escalating to the point of tears, what is her salary for?
I find it odd they'd do this at school but they get along so well otherwise.
No matter what, ground rules are--no one is allowed to say mean things to the other, and no one is allowed to lay a hand on the other and if anyone does it they will be punished. Both you and your BF need to set these rules and fast.
Hmm... I guess this is what
Hmm... I guess this is what happens when Back to School Night becomes a meat market.
You've got very young kids here. They're what, 1st or 2nd grade? I was going to suggest asking the teacher if she has witnessed anything, and it appears that she sees that BOTH kids are causing the problem and BOTH kids are on the receiving end of the problem.
So... I guess y'all need to set up with the kids the rules and consequences, and then *hope* that the other parent (whether that's you or the BF) actually enforce the consequences. Competition... and they're probably MOST unhappy that you're dating the parent of one of their classmates.
Personally, I'd be pretty creeped out, too. So many single people out there...can you maybe find one who isn't linked to your kids somehow?
BTW, be careful with the
BTW, be careful with the "lean" of being the bioparent. Your title states that SS may be bullying your daughter, but the teacher (an impartial third party) says that both kids are equal contributors.
SMs face this slant all the time when daddy doesn't see what their kid is doing...
Thanks for your replies I
Thanks for your replies
I always thought for young kids, picking on each other is because they have a crush on them. << I did and do still think this may be the case and have told my daughter this but she doesn't believe it for a second.
On your daughter's side, she needs to learn to ignore, ignore, ignore and remove herself from the situation as quickly as possible and not escalate or engage with him << she says she has tried but he chases after her and won't let her get away from him
Competition... and they're probably MOST unhappy that you're dating the parent of one of their classmates.
Personally, I'd be pretty creeped out, too. So many single people out there...can you maybe find one who isn't linked to your kids somehow? << I knew the dad before my daughter started going to this school, I was offered a house exchange closer to my mum so I took it and it just happened that it ended up as my daughter would end up at my BF's sons school and in the same class, we were hoping this would be a good thing as they would be seeing each other out of school and having someone she knew a little bit at the school would help her settle in faster.
Weird. Sounds like a crush. I
Weird. Sounds like a crush. I don't know why, that's what it sounds like if he's chasing after her like that. I mean it sucks to have unwanted attention when boys are still icky but it sounds like his son really likes your daughter and well, negative attention is still better than nothing. Of course she won't think so and be in denial about it--boys have cooties, they're yucky, etc.
You've done your part and I think if all else fails, have her go to the teacher and ask the teacher to make him stop. That's what the teacher is there for. A "I would like xxx to leave me alone." to her teacher should prompt action at least.
That is what I was thinking
That is what I was thinking as well, different classrooms would alleviate a lot of it. I don't know if the school would do that this late in the year though. Worth a try.
I have considered this but my
I have considered this but my daughter is painfully shy and it took a lot for her to start in this new class in December. She has said she doesn't want to move class as she would lose the few friends she has made and doesn't think anyone will like her. I will be talking to the teacher on Monday and seeing what can be done.
See, and that's tough all by
See, and that's tough all by itself...starting a new school in the middle of the year.
I'd suggest not doing much of anything at this point, except checking in with the teacher once in awhile to see if there's anything of concern you should be aware of...
Thanks I will see what the
Thanks
I will see what the teacher says on Monday, but will definitely look into seeing if changing class is possible.
The kids are finding their
The kids are finding their new positions in a blended family.There are so many emotions involved in blending- for everyone.No wonder they test the boundaries at school- I reckon it is a power game
I agree that talking to the teacher again is a great idea and maybe even explaining the situation at home.
I have a boy 9 and a SD who is 8 now. SD is and was a dobber and tried to get attention by blaming BS for teasing her often, but there were many situations where I caught her teasing him myself!!Like real siblings they still do that sometimes.Best to tell them to stay away from each other if they can't play nicely.
Watch out what words you are choosing when talking to BF- my SO is over defensive of single child SD and I need to choose my words very carefully!
yeah that's 1 of the main
yeah that's 1 of the main problems, my BF is obviously protective of his son but also of my daughter and he doesn't want to put his foot in it by saying the wrong thing to me and vice versa, so we are all just tip toeing around it. We have been hoping it would resolve itself but now she says he has punched her in her back, (teacher didn't see anything and stepson denies it), we are stuck and none of us wants to say the wrong thing to the kids or to the ex or each other so it's making it awkward. As it's a new relationship my BF isn't living with us and we only get to see the stepson 1 day a week, sometimes 2. I understand that he is probably jealous as BF gets to see my daughter more but because the boys play up for their mum they are not allowed to come if they are naughty and being 9 and 7 year old boys they are obviously not angels so they miss out on seeing dad in the week.
They are still allowed to see
They are still allowed to see Dad but it happens at her house instead of here, because they want to come here to play with my daughter so it's seen as a punishment because they cant get what they want but they still see Dad.
It's time for a parent
It's time for a parent teacher conference. You and bf should jointly contact the teachers, explain briefly and ask when they can meet. Come up with strategies with the teachers, talk to teachers about what they have observed, ask them to keep in contact with you and notify if there is an incident.