Well, I am actually relieved. It sounds horrible, but I think I am.

I want to thank all u steptalkers, and this site for putting up with me, and showing me my future. I think that seeing the posts on here, and hearing the stories of heartache and problems after drama after pain and frustration...I was able to really see it.

I thought it was just me. I thought that if I did all the right things that my life would go smoothly. I thought that my SS was a nightmare, and had the tendency to want to blame BM. I realized, that its not just her, that my SO was a dipshit and a horrible parent. It took awhile, but I started noticing things happening...that would be a constant problem. That things that were happening now, would probably not go away. I tried, I really did. But I evaluated the entire situation and figured out that I was not happy, and did not like the way it was. I also figured out that waiting it out, and hoping he would parent, and hoping things would improve, was just plain stupid. If I didn't like it not, I found myself having a really hard time convincing myself it could ever improve. I wanted too...boy I I thought I could. But I couldn't. I found that I am depressed and exhausted. Defeated. They win. The BM wins, the kid wins, and SO wins. I'm out. I'm out of patience, and try, and empty. My sex drive is gone, my energy is sapped, and I had permanent bags , black bags under my eyes. They just would not go away.

I used to love him. A lot. I could feel it in my bones kind of thing. So in tune etc. I'm definietely not going to dwell on that much bevasue its gone. I feel nothing anymore. Empty, defeated, exhausted.

All of the kid drama aside, we definitely had other relationship issues. I'm convinced he's a compulsive liar and a Narcissist. Omit, lie about stupid crap. Like buying an expresso machine. Whatever. So sick of him. And then argues with me saying he doesn't hide stuff, when he told me he purposely didn't tell me. Wth?

I seriously evaluated any future with him, and it just did not look good. It will take me a while to get passed it, and understand how I got into this, when all the red flags were there...etc.

It's been 4days. We haven't really spoken, and I have started letting go. I will be sad, and I will miss him sometimes, but I just don't feel devastated. I havent cried, I'm guessing I will at some point. Maybe when it really hits. Dunno. The first two days were sort of mopey, and glum, but I felt sort of lost and in limbo, basically breaking the habit of testing him etc. I get plenty of alone time anyway, so its not like I feel lonely yet. I don't know. I'm sure its coming.

I actually feel relieved. I slept better last night than I have in a long time, and my bags are already improving.

I prob won't be on here much anymore, since I no longer have to stress about a kid that doesn't belong to me, wiping snot on my things. And a SO who doesn't do anything about it.

Again, thank you guys, and I wish u the best. I may browse every now and then so don't count me out! But its going to be awhile before I try dating again, and I'm pretty confident, he won't have kids.