You are here

MIL from HELL

Mogaret's picture

we have 4 children in the home at any given time. I have given birth to 3 and was blessed with the 4th (his son) to call me mom. As he is only 4 (will be 5 next month)but I have been around since he was 1. (bio mom is out of pic) He knows no other mom, I'm it. On the weekends my parents will get the kids to stay the night or visit and do things with them. My parents will get JUST SS if the older three do not want to go over to their house. When it comes to my MIL she only sees the 4 y/o HER GRANDCHILD. The other three have asked in the past why she only took the 4y/o and that upset them greatly. I have approached the situation many times with the MIL and the husband about how it hurts the others.
She has been asking for months to get the 4 y/o for the weekend and my husband keeps blowing her off making excuses. Finally she asked for this weekend and he and I had a conversation about explaining to MIL that SHE can come and visit ALL the family and not just take him home with her (she lives an hour away). This is what he was SUPPOSED to tell her. Apparently this DID NOT happen. She is getting him Thursday until Sunday.
Should I just let this roll off my back or make a stand? I'm so frusterated with the entire situation! I feel awful for the other kids but what do I do?

Any thoughts would be appreciated.

BSgoinon's picture

I don't think I would want my kids around someone that doesn't want to be around them. I am not sure how hard I would fight this one. I am with you in the fact that she shouldn't treat him differently than the rest, it is completely messed up. But do you want her around the others so she can treat him differently right in front of their faces?

Mogaret's picture

That is experience speaking, thank you! Ok so if I take them to a movie, do I invite the DH to go with us or just me and the boys?

Mogaret's picture

Good call, and i'm sure she would too. She does make a huge distinction between them, it is very noticable. We have had guest recognize it when she will make an entrance and only notice the one child.

My husband and I had an entire conversation about this and then he turns around and disregards it and does whatever....Ughh that maybe makes my blood boil that I dont even want to speak to him becuase of it....

I'm really trying before he gets home to keep telling myself that it isnt a big deal dont make it a mountain....I'm trying...it just doesnt seem to be working ;(

BSgoinon's picture

Focus on something else when you get home. Seriously, your MIL sounds like a complete douche, she is not worth your energy.

SMof2's picture

Well aren't they all her grandchildren? I'm confused? Maybe confront her in a nice way. tell her the kids would love to spend time with you and love coming to your house or something. Just try and get her to bond with them some kind of way. Possibly. Althogh I don't get along well with my MIL so I knowhow hard this could be.

Mogaret's picture

The older three are not her biological grandchildren. Also I have confronted her quite a few times nicely and not so nicely. I cannot force anyone to love my children i know this. However I will not let her be mean to them And disregard their feelings

Mogaret's picture

I don't want nor force her to take my three but I don't want her to single him out and place him on a pedestal and pretend my children don't exists. I understood that along time ago... But why can't she just spend time with the entire family instead of singling one kid out for a four day adventure. In the mean time ss has come home to say that my parents aren't his grandma and grandpa . He said she told him this... It is all of the little things that have added up to how I feel towards her. Also when my DH and I hAd a Convo he totally disregarded our talk...

hismineandours's picture

I feel like, in your situation, what she is doing is wrong. You all live together, you have blended your family, there is no other "mother" involved here.

Of course, like others I've had the same situation. My ss14 lives with my mil, my mil will not even acknowledge my children in public. And I mean all of my children, including her own biogranddaughter, who is 11. The other two, dd15 and ds13-she has known since ages 2 and 1 and initially acted as if she wanted a grandparent role. Now that she has decided she hates me-she also hates my children. Effing biatch! My dd15 was recently injured and taken to the ER in which my mil works, my mil looked right at her when she came in and didnt even speak to her or acknowledge her in anyway during the 4 hours she was there. So apparently I've got the extreme of treating kids differently.

We have of course reached the point in which I would not allow this woman anywhere near my children. I thought that they had reached a point in which they no longer had any expectations of her, but it hurt my heart when my dd was in the er crying and said to me, "What, she's not even going to say hi to me?"

My dh did make a stand some years ago-perhaps 5. He was deployed in Iraq-ss was living with bm an hour away and me and the 3 kids were maybe 10 minutes away from mil. She was driving 4 hours every other weekend to pick up ss for visits, but had absolutely nothing to do with the others. My dh point blank asked her to please be a grandma to the other kids and she point blank refused. He finally told her that if she wasnt going to see the other kids then she couldnt pick up ss either. So she didnt.

You really need your dh on the same page as you here. If he's not then theres not much you can do to change the current pattern, but you may want to let dh know that by allowing it he is hurting the other children and damaging their relationships with HIM, as well as giving ss an inflated sense of self importance,which will ultimately be bad for him. If he still refuses, the above advice is good. Take the other kids do something fun with them so that they are not concerned with what ss is doing.

Mogaret's picture

Reading some of these comments really hits home. She does not have the responsibility to even want to see my kids. I get that. It bothers me that I talked to my DH About her spending time with the family. She is going to spend time with the family it just happens to be the day that I work. I think I might be more angry with my DH For not discussing this with me and just making decisions. The more I sit and think about the situation I don't think I'm upset with her ! I think I'm upset with DH!

hismineandours's picture

I agree that these mil's often see the "new wife" as an intruder. Come to take away their precious son's and displace their grandchildren as the one and only shining stars.

I've been married to dh for 12 years and their hatred for me has only grown and magnified. In the beginning they at least pretended to tolerate me, now the gloves are off and they would spit on me before they'd shake my hand. In seeing this, these are really not people that I want anywhere near my children. I do not want their dysfunction anywhere in my kids life and I consider them better off for having had only minimal contact with them these past years.

In an ideal world things would have been different. I'd have awesome inlaws who loved me and my children. It's hard sometimes to let go of that fantasy, but I feel like the longer you hold onto that, the more difficult it is to deal with the reality.

Mogaret's picture

My BS's have my parents but their dad's parents are drug addicts so they are not invovled in their lives. SS doesnt have contact with BM's family at all.

I DO understand that I can NOT force any relationship on anyone. I totally get that. However, MIL has tried to undermine my place in SS4's life and try to tell SS4 that my parents are NOT his grandparents (he told us she told him this)

Trying to get her involved, I said that MIL should come and visit with the ENTIRE family not just pick up the SS4 and take him for 4 days. I used to want her to WANT to take my kids but have come to the realization that they ARE NOT her grandkids and I shouldnt expect her to be like my parents.

She is having dinner with my DH and the kids on the only day of the week that I happen to work. When I have invited her to an indoor water park MIL doted over SS4 all the while the others looked and felt like they were chopped liver in her eyes. Yes they did ask why she doesnt talk to them and why she only talks to SS4.

So trying to involve her in activites she does these things that hurt the others I dont have it in me anymore to invite her along when I forsee the hurt the older ones will endure....no thank you...so she can take SS4 for 4 days and we will have to reprogram him when he returs I guess.

MIL also says that I am the one keeping her son and grandson from visiting her....I have told her numerous times that they can go see her whenever they want any weekend all weekend. I have the older boys that are in sports and such and dogs and I am not able to go (i do not feel welcome) but DH stays home with me instead of spending his time with her and the SS4...

Will it ever be ok? some say evenn after 20 years they still are not noted as being part of the family.... Sad

Mogaret's picture

Funny, i never said that she took care of him, but she acutally did at one point. Good call!
She will say hi to them just becuase I have said something to her in the past. She doesnt like me becuase it is that I am taking care of her son and her grandson just as well, if not better than she did. I cook, I clean, I'm fun, I'm loving and she really cant find anything "wrong" with me for her to need to "rescue" them!
Talking these things out really makes me think and put things into perspective.

I truly appreciate all of the advise even the brutally honest ones Smile

Mogaret's picture

Awesome view point! thank you! She did complain to my DH that ALL of us havent been down to see her at her house for 2 years.... and really it has been one year...last summer was one year...we were planning a wedding, sorry,,,,little busy...Well I dont feel comfortable. I dont feel like SS4's MOM, she takes over that roll...I dont feel welcome, it is a fake welcome and I hate it. I tell her that SS needs to wipe his own butt (he will be 5 in a couple weeks) He wipes his own butt at home, she still does it....We tell her he is to feed HIMSELF, she still puts food on his spoon / fork and feeds him....WTH! If I say something I'm a B ~ I get "He is just a little boy and needs help sometimes" NOOOO....he needs help to LEARN not do it for him....

Mogaret's picture

I think it is time to "Disengage" let her take SS4 and do fun stuff with the older boys...I think MY family will be much much happier in the long run... Smile
You are right she doesnt have "power" if I dont give her any! Smile

christinen's picture

This is a tough one because I have seen both sides. My mom does not treat SD5 like her granddaughter- she gets her a Christmas gift and she’s nice to her but that’s about it. She doesn’t take her anywhere or anything like that.

My mom’s stepmom on the other hand (my step grandmother), has always been very involved with her “step grandchildren” and she really does treat us like her own. So I guess it just depends on the person.

I can see your MIL wanting to spend some time alone with her grandchild BUT to do it constantly and basically throw it in the other kids’ faces is just rude. I don’t have any kids but I can see my MIL doing the same thing. Even compared to her other “real” grandchildren, my MIL definitely places SD on a pedestal just because she feels sorry for her because her parents aren’t together smh. All they are doing is raising spoiled, entitled brats.

nicholehouston21's picture

Anyone who is saying anything about her not having to take the 3 that aren't hers have obviously never been in that situation before. When ur kids look at u and ask y the cant go it takes on a whole new level of pissed.. My mil does this all the time.. I've learned to adapt and take mine to do fun things when she takes dh's demon..forget her.. and I drag wouldn't want my kids somewhere they weren't really wanted. Having said all that it still pisses me off. And when dh and I had one of our own she doesn't care about one on one time with him. Like its his fault he has a good mom and demon spawn has an idiot?? It never ending. I totally understand where u r coming from.

Mogaret's picture

At least someone does...you are so right...when my 11 year old is bawling becuase SS4 is taunting them....and nothing is said, not even "stop" or "that's not nice" is just wrong. I was at work when this all took place. The next morning my 11 BS bawling and asking why she doesnt want them was heart wrenching. I had to explain that she is NOT their grandmother and she doesnt want to be their grandmother so they need to stop having expections as such. As a kid it is hard. As a mother it is hard to not go ape shit on her for upsetting my other kids. It turns my whole house into an uproar. I had my DH ask MIL about the entrie situation and she supposidly had nothing to say about why or what transpired. That still doesnt sit well with me. So, if nothing is said and nothing is done then that is what it will be like the next time around.....NOTHING DIFFERENT. She just keeps pushing and pushing us away, does she even realize this?