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why do people believe that a child comes first (#1 priority) even when the parent re-marries?

Cocoa's picture

Submitted by Cocoa on Mon, 01/14/2013 - 7:31am

are they just mouthing the words or do they really mean the promises made to the spouse during the ceremony? if they are going to continue putting their children/bm first, why drag an innocent new spouse into this? the new spouse probably believed the promises, and they are blind-sided. yes, the new spouse knew there were children involved, but i'm pretty certain they didn't know that they were going to be put firmly in the back seat with the first family driving and determining the destination and many times being relegated to the role of maid/nanny/doormat/sugar momma. who the heck would sign up for THAT? i think people don't really think through what marriage means.

divorce is HORRIBLE. everybody involved is scarred from it, and i think it should be avoided at all costs when children are involved, unless the 3 A's are involved: abuse, addiction, adultry. but when it does happen, some thought needs to be involved as to how life is going to continue. if the divorced dad for example wants to be involved in all the kids' activities, wants to see them daily, be there to assist bm as she needs/sees fit, there is nothing wrong with this. i think it is great for the kids! then, he starts thinking about himself, his lonliness when not involved with the kids and seeks out a relationship, falls in love and wants to continue doing what he did before relationship. only now he feels guilty for having a life and starts the guilty parenting/spoiling crap. it does not work alot of times. i think it's a major problem with all the women on this sight.

honestly, i think alot of divorce happens because of an unwillingness to put their children first. they aren't "happy", aren't "fulfilled", they "drifted apart" so they rip their family apart in an attempt to find whatever it is that's missing in their own life.. and alot of these parents don't lose this selfishness after the divorce, they're still looking to fulfill themselves at their childrens' expense and seek out another relationship. and we all know what happens next.

i don't understand what is so hard that once you make the decision to have children, all your own wants and needs gets put on the back burner, and raise your children. you get your life back eventually. people are correct: they are only small for a short time. if this is too long to wait, don't have children! and if you do, and you accept your responsibility, don't drag another innocent person into this unless you are absolutely positiive they are on the same page and WANT to help you raise your children and are willing to take the back seat to allow this to happen. i bet there would be a lot fewer second marriages (and second divorces). i know i'm not willing to do this. i wanted a husband, not a baby daddy.

Comments

dragonfly5's picture

Submitted by dragonfly5 on Mon, 01/14/2013 - 8:34am

We don't get it because we don't live it. Our DH's discipline their kids and "all of us know that he will be there if we need him".

Most of the people on this site are not in our situation. Most of them, got the bait and switch.

Thought they were getting a marriage/relationship with the person they loved, ended up with drama, and pain.

TASHA1983's picture

Submitted by TASHA1983 on Mon, 01/14/2013 - 8:34am

After being on this site for some time and reading all of the horror stories I firmly believe, and so does my BF that...

Marriage = #1 Priority
Children = #1 Responsibility

The marriage is the FOUNDATION of everything! If that is not solid, if adults are not on the same page, if adults do not communicate/compromise, etc then how is anything else going to work? As they say "Fish rots from the head down" so if things aren't going well on top then you can just imagine and KNOW how the rest of things are going to turn out...just saying.

People have children and their RESPONSIBILITY to their children is to raise them and teach them how to be mature, independant, fully functioning, productive members of society (among other things of course) that is what we are to do. Prepare them for when they do what we did....to go out on their own and live their OWN LIVES!
But a marriage should NEVER EVER take a backseat or second to any children. The person you CHOOSE to marry is going to be the one by your side when your children are grown and gone. Hence, you should NEVER allow that relationship to suffer. PERIOD. IMHO.

TASHA1983's picture

Submitted by TASHA1983 on Mon, 01/14/2013 - 9:39am

I agree that we do have as much responsibility to our husbands as our kids. I just write it out that way to show that in my opinion and what works for us is our relationship being our #1 priority and the kids our #1 responsibility. I am responsible for being my sons mom and raising him right etc for 18 years and then he is accountable/responsible for his own choices etc, so to/for me he is my responsibility before anything, and as for my relationship I make him and what we hope to have forever my #1 priority because my relationship needs to be strong and stable etc in order for anything/everything else in my life including my son to work successfully.

I hope how I expressed myself and my beliefs on the topic made sense... Wink

Willow2010's picture

Submitted by Willow2010 on Mon, 01/14/2013 - 9:29am

When I decided to have kids…I knew right then that the next 18ish years of MY life would be raising that child to be a great adult. I knew I would protect them to the death, raise them without much conflict and do whatever it took, to take care of their needs. That is why I became a mom. They were my first priority. IN SITUATIONS WHEN THEY NEEDED TO BE.

Now don’t get me wrong…that does not mean that my kids were spoilt by any means. They heard the word no, more than most kids. But I knew when they HAD to be to be priority and when other things came first. Mainly it was my kids. At least for the first 18 years.

And after dating my DH for 8ish years, I married him and made him my first priority.

Cocoa's picture

Submitted by Cocoa on Mon, 01/14/2013 - 10:15am

excellent post. unfortunately many of us have a relationship with a spouse who does not parent, let alone have an inkling as to what marriage is about Sad . and, i think these "oopsies" happen more often than not. i'm terrified leaving our future to this new generation.

attempting_to_maintain_composure's picture

Submitted by attempting_to_m... on Mon, 01/14/2013 - 10:19am

>> Needs ebb and flow, sometimes needs conflict and the person who can better handle their need is the person who waits.

Totally agree, Cheri. This is how we try to run our house, especially when SD is around.

If someone is sick, their needs will be more important than the person who is hungry and can walk into the kitchen and make themselves a sandwich.

If someone has an important work/school assignment to work on, their needs will be more important than the person who is bored and wants to play video games in the living room.

And, I definitely agree that caretakers do often neglect themselves, regardless of who they are caring for, and that's a shame. Caretakers need to prioritize themselves as well. Sometimes, they just have to say "nope, my needs have to come first now because if I can't meet my own needs, all of this will fall apart". It's part of why I have to stop myself from rolling my eyes when SO tells me that he's going to let SD know that she can wake him up if she needs anything after he's worked a 12 hour overnight shift; he needs his sleep so that he can function the next day and continue to go to work to help support the house.

There's literally nothing SD can't do for herself when SO is sleeping that trumps him needing sleep. And, if she were to get hurt or violently sick while he's sleeping and I'm home, then she can certainly ask me for help.

attempting_to_maintain_composure's picture

Submitted by attempting_to_m... on Mon, 01/14/2013 - 10:12am

I have seen my fair share of relationships fail miserably because it was all about the children and never about the adult relationship; putting the children first and putting yourself and your partner/husband/wife/whatever second isn't recommended. As Tasha put it, when the kids are grown and gone, you have your partner by your side, so, what if you let the relationship flounder? Do you still have a connection with each other? Is that person even still there? Can the connection be regained after 18 years of putting your marriage in the backseat?

I saw my own relationship failing when that was the case. It was a long time coming, but, SO and I have gotten to the place of prioritizing ourselves and the relationship as much as he prioritizes SD. Our relationship suffered greatly when it was the SD show and she was #1 all the time. SO made it all about SD's happiness and comfort and our relationship waned. But, once he started putting just as much effort into our relationship and prioritizing it, things between us have improved greatly. Things in our house have greatly improved, too, aside from the chaos that SD tries to enact because she's no longer the center of daddy's universe, but, that's expected when you prioritize the child over everything else for 12 years. She might try to cause problems because she doesn't like it, but, SO and I are stronger because we have our priorities and responsibilities straight. We can actually address the issues that arise without having a relationship meltdown.

We've made it a point that nobody in this house is more important than anyone else and that needs are met on an as-needed basis. The only time one person's needs trump the needs of others is based on how necessary it is to meet them right then and there - such as if I have to go to the ED, or, if someone is sick and needs a doctor, things like that. And, even then, the needs of every member are still met. Nobody gets put in the backseat because of someone else.

ConnieF's picture

Submitted by ConnieF on Tue, 01/15/2013 - 8:01pm

I feel like I just dodged a bullet! I was lucky that my DB let his true colors show early while we were still dating and only talking marriage. I love him very, very much but we just split over this issue on January 3rd after 4.5 years of being on and off over this. He has always felt my "feeling second" was an insecurity I had and my problem and I always believed him because I've been a single parent for 14 years and my own daughter has always comes first, until him. To me, they hold equal space in my heart and priorities. So, I finally started researching "my problem" and that's when I learned about this unhealthy dynamic! When I realized what I was in for with him and his 4 kids always coming first--something he has stated to me since day 1 and often reminded me of--I knew I had to have a big, hard conversation with him. Well, just as I thought, the conversation did not go well and we are now no longer together. I hope he will check into all the resources out there about creating a successful step family and change his attitude, but I am not hopeful. For now, I told him there was no way I could sign on for what he was offering--a nightmare of a life with him that would eventually lead to a second divorce for both of us!