I can't figure out why this bugs me
Back story: been with my now husband for almost 4 years but we only moved in together and got married in July. We have my 2 boys 5 nights a week, and his 3 children 4 nights a week. I get along with everyone in the house EXCEPT oldest SD age 11. We don't actually fight, I just don't like her. She is entitled, lazy and RUDE beyond belief.
I am a neat-nick and like a clean house so for a few months I would clean her room (as I clean all the rooms) and do her laundry - but then this happened: http://www.steptalk.org/node/100788 and I stopped doing her laundry. DH tried to teach her to do her own laundry ONCE, but she just played with her iPhone the whole time he was showing her how to load the washer and then she walked away. He wound up putting the wet stuff in the dryer, and then taking it out of the dryer and folding it. Wow, you really taught her a lesson there!
If he had just said: "hey you were really disrespectful to your SM who was happy to do your laundry so now she's understandably not going to do it anymore and neither am I" I would have been satisfied. But that would never happen in a million years because he doesn't call her out on being rude.
SO HERE'S THE PART I CAN'T FIGURE OUT: now I totally stay out of her room and her laundry and it's normally a big mess in their but yesterday when SD was at her mom's my husband cleaned the damn room and did her damn laundry.
If I didn't have to do a thing, and this in no way effects me - why am I so pissed??
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Because you look like a jerk
Because you look like a jerk for teaching her a lesson (which she sorely needs IMO) and DH is essentially saying, "go ahead and be a slob and make a mess. No worries, because I will clean it up eventually."?
Unfortunately DH needs to get a grip. He is teaching his daughter that it is ok to be a slob... But worse he is teaching her it is ok to treat you like dirt.
Agreed - you come out being
Agreed - you come out being the bad guy because you're refusing to do something for her (which you rightfully should) so DH is "picking up the slack" and doing it for her... and she's NOT learning anything because she's not held accountable.
I'd be mad too -- I used to go thru this with my DH. But then I just shrugged my shoulders. If he wants to enable them, fine... as long as I do NOT have to clean up after them I'm not going to worry about it. But believe me, when they leave a mess and DH doesn't feel like cleaning it up on MY time schedule, I let him know about it. This was the agreement we came to after having a huge blow-out about it: I keep my mouth shut, but he will not put off cleaning up their messes.
Because hes teaching her to
Because hes teaching her to distrspect you!!! He made an agreement with you, told you not to do her laundry, told you he wanted to 'see what she would do' about you not doing her laundry anymore as she was snarky to you about it. He half-ass showed her how to do laundry- which- lol did no good. Now, rather then have a talk with her & hv her apologize to you- he finds its easier to just do it for her then to have to help teach her a lesson. The big mean SM wont do your laundry SD? Ill just do it for you. Bleh!!!!! Men!!!
Not only did she distespect you, but now hes doing it as well !
Id be having a talk with Daddy-O!!! He is being very rude to you!!! Imo.
Yea, he's definitely showing
Yea, he's definitely showing her that you're the bad guy and that no matter what, daddy will take care of things for her.
My SO and I have been there, too. And much like you, I'd be pissed off because I was pissed off when SO would do this. I'm not sure where the change occurred, but, at some point, I guess SO got tired of being SD's maid and started forcing her to take care of her own things. He eventually just started forcing SD to do her own chores and laundry.
Now, I just don't give a damn if SD's room is a mess as long as she doesn't have food garbage in there (she was notorious for bringing food and drinks into her room in our last place and leaving the plates and dishes). I also don't give a damn if SD does her laundry as long as she doesn't horde my empty hampers in her room or leave wet clothes in the washer or dry clothes in the dryer for days on end. She can wear dirty clothes all she wants as long as she doesn't get in the way of the things I have to do.
THANK YOU FOR VALIDATING
THANK YOU FOR VALIDATING ME!!!! Feels soooo good. I'm going to lay low for a few days with him and then show him this thread. Lately it feels like all we do is fight over SD11 and I think I need to build some good will with him before the next tussle.
Because I can pretty much GUARANTEE he will still see this as me "overreacting" yet again. Lately he has been saying "you just hate SD, blending2012" and I feel like saying, "no I don't hate her but I'm starting to hate YOU!".
Most men don't handle these
Most men don't handle these situations well. Last night I saw a post with a link, the link was an article (essay) about disengaging. AMAZING that this describes men completely! They flounder and don't know what to do. I'm sure you know your dh. Most likely it's not in his plans to clean and do laundry forever. He is a "fixer" and the short term solution (in his mind) is keeping YOU happy by cleaning the room. He's going to figure out a better long term solution eventually but in the meantime, give him time to work it out. You don't have to clean it so just move on.
Your dh is an asshat and
Your dh is an asshat and should have backed you up. I can understand your frustration here. He basically taught her NOTHING. Oh, no wait. . . he taught her that there are no consequences for anything and that your opinion doesn't mean sh*t. I'd stop doing his laundry too now. But I'm a cold-hearted, wicked sm. And I would tell him flat out how you feel about SD! He needs to know that you are not a doormat! You are doing the very best you can and he is not helping the situation with his DisneyDad approach to parenting a pre-teen. He is setting your entire family up for some rocky years by indulging her behavior now. Wait a few years til she's a full fledged teenager. Fun times, not.
Major asshat behavior. Don't
Major asshat behavior.
Don't get mad get even. Ridicule his having to clean up and cowtow to sd. Laugh at him. Especially infront of his buds.