I would want my new husband to be a friend to my son, and back me up. For instance, if I ask him to do something, and dh sees that he isn't doing it, I would hope he would whisper to him, "Hey, do xyz before your mom gets mad at you..." sort of like he is looking out for him, and doesn't want him to get in trouble. I think they should be able to give out consequences if they are agreed upon in advance, but should never spank. And if there aren't consequences planned already for the infraction, he should be able to say, "I will have talk to your mom about this..." All consequences should come from you or you both together.

I have two bios, BD17 and BS14. I do not want or expect my DH to discipline them at all. That is my job as their mother. Even if my kids were young enough to need a sitter I would never ask DH to do it. I do not discipline skids because I expect DH to do it, even though he does not.

When my bios were younger I was engaged to another guy. He did not have kids of his own. I had no idea what to expect in regards to how he should be with my kids so I let them slowly decide on their own what role to play with each other. I wanted them to get along. All the guy expected from them was to be treated with respect and since he didn't immediately jump into the daddy role, and was nice to them, they did. He did eventually have a father 'type' role with them, but it came with time. He was never mean to them. If they made a mess he would simply say 'hey, can you please clean this up' and they did. If he caught them doing something worth getting into trouble over, he came to me and I handled it. But I never asked him to babysit, never expected anything of him other than to be a good human being to them. It worked.

We've ran into the problem of SO's role in regards to my kids. My ds was being an ass one day while I was at school and I text SO to enforce MY choice of punishment for his behavior towards SO, and to be sure my kid saw the text so he would know where the discipline was coming from. SO took it upon himself he could now play disciplinarian towards my kids and crossed the line and thumped my son up the backside of his head for being mouthy. I snapped and ripped him a new one, that at no time is he to lay a hand on my kids to discipline, that even my exh their dad and their grandpa have gotten my wrath for the head thump (they've done it too)He is well within his right if my son is ever violent towards him (and I will beat his ass after) to defend himself but that he can only remove privileges, do time outs etc.
I've put my kids (11 and stb17) in time out in front of their friends, and family they hate it and it's embarrassing but if they will act out for their friends they will regret it. SO will not lay hands on my kids, head or butt and though I've been given permission to swat his kids I find wearing them out and reminding them who's in charge (sit down, now stand up, sit down, now stand up etc, "now who's in charge? Put your nose to the wall.") and do it/did it to my own I will remove privileges as well, but a spanking will come from the bio since SO can't handle restraint I won't spank his he won't spank mine.
As for the rest it's a balancing act SO has helped a lot with my kids while I've worked and gone to school and he was unemployed, but he's too damn harsh with mine while I'm the one has to say "your kid is picking the paint off my wall in time out" or "your kid is in time out AND still talking." or "you gonna stop kid A from screaming at kid B or hitting or hurting the animals?" etc because he's not paying attention, my kids he's all over them. I finally just said "look I've done a damn good job raising pretty good kids long before you came along, and I have your back when they do act up or are rude, my rules won't change and I sure as hell won't be harder on them nor let anyone else be harder on them than I am now so you follow my lead or shut up." It got better when my dd told him when he gets home she feels the tension follow him in, and she misses when he'd ask how their day was, how school went and hug them when he came home was it just and act when he first moved in and this is his true colors? Ouch called out by a kid who really loves him must of been what he needed cause he's not so grumpy when he gets home now (unless he has his kids I am beginning to hate when they are here he's so damn pissy)

My DH and I just had a HUGE blow-out about this, complete with starting to plan for separate living arrangements.

I do NOT discipline his kids. At all. The few times I've gone to DH to express some of my concerns, he's blown up at me and refused to do anything (the "they might not want to come over anymore" syndrome).

However, DH could discipline my kids within reason... like tell them it's time to get off the computer; tell them to clean their rooms; you get the idea.

However, in the past couple of months, my DH started ramping up his "discipline" of my kids, and it was a direct correlation with the fact HIS kids have started not wanting to come over as much. He started nitpicking, nothing was "right", nothing was "good enough", it was HORRIBLE.

I told him to knock it off. My kids do not need to be followed around and nitpicked. Yes, I run a pretty tight ship when it comes to my (MY) kids, but that's how they've had it all their lives. To be hollered at because they didn't bring in enough of the "right sizes" of firewood for the fireplace? WTFE.

Looking back, I can honestly say allowing my DH to do ANY discplining/giving direction was wrong simply because he started becoming more of a drill instructor with my kids while totally allowing his kids free reign. My kids saw it weekend after weekend and became resentful, not that I blame them. It's taken a lot of work on my end to keep undoing what the DH was doing.

I told my DH that from now on, he parents HIS kids, I parent mine. Period. No exceptions, although DH still has a hard time with that. He knows if he crosses the line again, there will be hell to pay and I outlined exactly what that hell will look like.

My BF is great with my son. He has my permission to discipline my BS9 as he sees fit. Of course that does not include spanking or anything physical as that is not his place. Ever. I trust him and his judgement and if there is a discrepancy, we handle it and talk it out.

My BS9 knows that if I am not around and/or he is with my BF for whatever reason and I am not present that my BF is in charge and he is to listen to my BF. My son and my BF get along great and they have a great relationship.

When I was around BF's S11 BF also said the same. If skid sassed me or did something I had my BF's full permission to say something to him. I would never hit him or physically touch him as that is not my place either but I did have his permission to address anything that needed to be regarding skid. And BF also told skid this.

I am very blessed to have such a great BF that is on the same page as me. We communicate and now that I choose to have no involvement with skid or be around him I don't have to worry about that, but when/if that changes my BF and I will be on the same page.