Unfortunately, I posted on a forum and I can't find it because I didn't "bookmark it"...VERY VERY unfortunate because it was ridiculously long..BUT necessary because every detail counts in my situation...
On my first blog I gave a little of my background to see if that helps with people that want to give advice..
Now, long story short..I met my now fiance's son when he was a few months away from being 2. His mom was never very involved. We were dating in the middle of their nasty custody case. It was bad but a learning experience.
My relationship with his son didn't really grow until about a year and a half later when we moved in again after his crazy ex got me kicked out of our duplex. (She told her family and my now fiancé that she met with my mother and I said a lot of bad things about their child's dad and that I'm crazy and crazy for being with him.) it was bad for his custody case so we waited to live together again until it was over. (All of which she said were lies. My mother and her are very much alike. They met at a program in a hospital for suicide watch..like how she left that part out..?)
The BM background..she is diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. And it's to the extreme. She has done things like pull a knife on her mother, had sex with the BD best friend with their son in the room, claim that the BD made her sleep with him to see their son or for money, ect ect. The list goes on.
She only has supervised visitation rights. She doesn't want to pay someone from the state to supervise so we are only comfortable with it happening at her parents.
Side note: I am on good terms with the my future step sons mothers PARENTS. It's really the only way they can see their grandchild because she's so all over the place.
Back to my future step son- I started watching him full time to help my fiancé save money to cut daycare costs. Our relationship grew more from there. There were "issues" with him calling me mom a lot and I would always correct him. At this point it's been 6 months since his mom has seen him. Sometime that winter she asked the father if she could see him outside of her parents. My fiancé asked if I would support this, beings I'm the one who actually raises him between the actual biological parents..I agreed. It was a mistake. He started coming back emotional. He would only call her by her first name. She flipped out and cried a few times in front of him because of it. 4 months into all the chaos she calls my fiancé in the middle of the night from jail (I think crossing a boundary right?)..for a domestic violence problem with her BD. She was saying things like "you said you would always help me" to him and asking him to get money from her apartment to bail her out. Unacceptable in my opinion. He refused as well as her parents as this is not the first time she's been in jail. She didn't see her son 4 months after that.
Then my step son eventually got back to normal. A little bit of a spoiled brat but nothing too out of the ordinary.
Then the BM comes back again. Claiming she's trying to get herself together. I supported it..especially after finding out I was PREGNANT. Her son needed his mother more than ever. What a confusing time for him when he barely knows his real mom and assumes I have been there since his birth..? I even agreed to take him to her since she was on house arrest and not allowed to drive because of her 4th DUI (nice of my right..?) whatever. That was a mistake too. Slowly but surely things got weird. He broke his collarbone at his moms, claiming it was just rough housing and fell of the bed. When I would pick him up he would act angry towards hs. He started having aggression issues, hitting my stomach, jumping off the couch onto my son's head so hard that his ear bled..I almost lost it..now on her end..slowly but surely she was crossing boundaries and my fiancé had way too much hope for her. She would text him late at night complaining about her life or stuff about her bf or just small talk. Ask about me or the unborn baby. When the baby was born she even texted him asking for a picture or hat she didn't know that I've had a c section before because he didn't tell her (like apparently that's any of her business right..?)
When my Step son came to visit (not to mention his moms parents without asking honestly uncalled for shouldn't you ask..? But I was too drugged to talk) he was automatically a brat. Crying, whining, hiring everyone, hiding under the chair..when we got the baby home he would and still does only pay attention to his little brother when his dad is home for attention. As soon as his dad or I leave the room he backs away from him and ignores him. I don't get it.
Back to the BM...a month after my 2nd child was born it was my fiance's birthday. We had dinner at my step son mom's parents house. (Normally wouldn't agree but it was just for his birthday to make him happy). Everything was fine. Until my step son innocently told his mom about it when he visited her the next day. She flipped. She sent a bunch of nasty text messages to my fiancé, her parents, and me. Especially me. A bunch of fake with half truth text messages "screenshots" claiming my fiancé was cheating on me with her and a bunch of other horrible things that I still cannot get out of my head. It haunts me that someone could be so twisted.
My fiancé has vowed to never speak to her again. His promise that I didn't make him do. Because of the effects on his son, the horrible effects on our relationship as a couple and the tension for my 6 year old and our new baby.
If she wants to see her son she has to talk to her parents. We gave them that right.
Since then she's scheduled things but last minute would cancel. Somehow blowing things out of proportion or blaming everyone else for a situation she signed off on. So far she hasn't seen her son in 7 months straight. Missing his broth day and thanksgiving, ect.
My future step son..its a work in progress but I feel like giving up.
He is completely disrespectful. We've even talked to her parents to see if he has what she does. They claim that he's nothing like how she was when she was his age. But I'm thinking he has a more low key version or is getting a later start into the Big Bang. He is mostly disrespeful towards me for some reason. Like this is all my fault. It hurts. I've been there for him longer and more than his own mother and his dad pretty much threw all the responsibility on me. Going into this I was willing to HELP. Not DO IT ALL. He is an extremely manipulative child. I should communicate more with dad about the rules but I usually don't have to because I have the only say with the kids that's just how we work. But his son will ask his dad something after I say no or just things he knows I wouldn't agree with and try to convince his dad to give him his way. It's literally gone so weird that my SS draws me pictures..then literally asks right after if he's allowed to play video games..so basically to sum it up, he's only nice to me when he wants something. Even then..last night he was sick. I was making a soup for his father and I that he didn't like so I made his own meal. Chicken noodle soup with grilled cheese, Sprite for his tummy and a homemade milkshake after..the first thing he does is get mad I didn't get blueberry icecream for a blueberry milkshake. After he gets his milkshake he's constantly rolling his eyes at me at every single thing I say. I am so close to losing it on this kid. Yes I resent him. Yes part of it is because of the crap his mom has put us ALL through and I'm left with the pieces to clean it all up. Yes all I see is his mom when I look at him. Can you blame me? He acts like a 2 year old and a teenager not a 5 year old. He cries. About everything. He ruined his grandmothers birthday by crying about cake and eating dinner and even not being the one to open the door for our guests. Literally balling and making. A huge scene..because he knows his grandma always gives into him. It makes me sick that everyone treats him like a victim because of his mom and he enjoys it. He enjoys being babied. He doesn't even like to brush his teeth himself. He doesn't like to do anything himself or be alone for a second. It's driving me crazy. It's going to get out of hand if something doesn't get fixed and little brother is going to see it. Thankfully my 6 year old son is smart enough to not even try to attempt these things with me. I feel like a prisoner in my own home. I had to make a rule that he's not allowed in my room unless he knows because I HAVE to get away from him from time to time. I forced his dad to get him into full time kindergarten early (he's born in august) because I couldn't take it. In the beginning of the school year he was having these same issues in class and his teacher was emailing us constantly. Now we got that in check. Now he's only like this at home. Mostly with me.,It just reminds me a lot of his mom (including my own mom) manipulative, secretive, disrespectful, lack of empathy...we do have discipline like time out and hands on the wall and taking away things. Nothing works. Compromising only makes it worse. He has an j don't care as long as I get my way attitude. He's moved his brother to the floor to the couch and the baby fell on the floor..he's hit the baby out of anger. He's told my 6 year old who is here 4 days a week unlike him who is 7 days, that he'll never live here forever because I don't want him to..what is wrong with this kid? Who says those kinds of things..?!
Here are my questions: was his mother out of line?
What am I or anyone else doing wrong with my step son?
How do I get rid of these horrible feelings?
Should we get him to a child psychologist?
I am in fear of our family as a whole. The BM step father has mentioned how hard it was and how he put her in front of his own biological children and neglected them because of her issues..and obviously causing marital problems. I am worried for my relationship, and my boys. I am worried for him as well but sorry, lastly. His dad tends to step in and make excuses like he (dad) is to blame for his behavior. No. He's old enough to know.
I just don't get it. I was not like this at all at his age. I wouldn't even THINK to behave like he did at the age of 5. I had 3 little brothers all of which in diapers at one point and I took care of them when my mom was sick for 2 years at the age of 12. This kid can barely go to a room to change his clothes. Am I really asking for too much? For him to act his age? Enjoy being responsible (it's a part of being a big boy anyway) be nice to his brother not just when his dad is home? Not constantly try to get my son in trouble or hit him or say mean things to him on the daily? I honestly want to move out for the sole purpose of getting away from him..
I am pretty much the only reason he has any kind of consistency.
My fiancé gets mad at me because I don't think he should stay up until 11 every day on the weekend lol. He's 5. And what happens, is that he's all grumpy on Mondays when he gets back from school. Which turns to him being a brat towards me which turns into him getting in trouble. It's a bad cycle. Not like I want him to get into trouble so the solution is not let him stay up so late and get him completely off schedule. But nope I'm the bad guy. He got him a kindle when he was 2 now he doesn't know what to do with himself if I don't let him play games. I give him activities to do, he's not interested. Instead, when he's bored, he breaks the rules and terrorizes my 6 year old making him cry. I've had a hard life as well if you take a look at my blog. I did not even think to act this way. I can understand everyone has their levels of independence at certain ages but the aggression and disrespect? His grandparents think it's a good thing for a 5 year old to hangout with his 16 year old uncle and friends. Instead of kids his own age. Probably why he comes back like a damn teenager. Maybe I wouldn't feel this way if I felt like there was some kind of gratitude from the kid or AT LEAST his dad. All he does is try to be sneaky ask his dad to make sure he gets his way because dad is tired from work and will let him do whatever because of it. Then he compares me to his mom even though the longest he's consistently seen her is 3 months "mommy let me stay up playing games" "mommy made me smoothies whenever I wanted" stuff like that. Okay I get it, that's a normal kid thing to do. But it's getting old and causing a lot of resentment as to why do I even bother..? Even the BM's parents thinks all the responsibility should fall on me. Fuck THEM. If their daughter wasn't such a nutcase we wouldn't be in this situation why don't you offer some help?! Lol
I can't parent him when his dad babies him and challenges my parenting right in front of him. So what now? If I have an unsupportive spouse how am I supposed to parent a child that isn't mine? I have put this kids needs in front of my own BIO kids so many times and it has ended up hurting my 6 year old. A 5 year old telling my 6 year old that I don't love him sounds beyond his age and evil. I don't know if he said that because that's how he feels about his own mom but we have constantly told him mommy loves you, but can't take care of you because she's sick. She has to take care of herself first. "Brain sick" is what we tend to stick to. We got tired of lying to him and crying begging to see his mom that doesn't want to see him.
I resent the "throwing him in the lions den" part. We wanted to believe she got better. He wanted to see her. So pretty much we won't win either way. He'll either and WILL if he doesn't already, hate us for not letting us see his mom. His dad told him we don't even know where she lives now (which is true, she's off her rocker.) the most recent time I told there dad there was something off but he wouldn't listen and would continue to drop him off there because he didn't want to upset BM.
Hi there, Sometimes the posts
Hi there, Sometimes the posts do not save. Write it in word and then copy and paste. Otherwise type it out in the comments.
Unfortunately, I posted on a
Unfortunately, I posted on a forum and I can't find it because I didn't "bookmark it"...VERY VERY unfortunate because it was ridiculously long..BUT necessary because every detail counts in my situation...
On my first blog I gave a little of my background to see if that helps with people that want to give advice..
Now, long story short..I met my now fiance's son when he was a few months away from being 2. His mom was never very involved. We were dating in the middle of their nasty custody case. It was bad but a learning experience.
My relationship with his son didn't really grow until about a year and a half later when we moved in again after his crazy ex got me kicked out of our duplex. (She told her family and my now fiancé that she met with my mother and I said a lot of bad things about their child's dad and that I'm crazy and crazy for being with him.) it was bad for his custody case so we waited to live together again until it was over. (All of which she said were lies. My mother and her are very much alike. They met at a program in a hospital for suicide watch..like how she left that part out..?)
The BM background..she is diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. And it's to the extreme. She has done things like pull a knife on her mother, had sex with the BD best friend with their son in the room, claim that the BD made her sleep with him to see their son or for money, ect ect. The list goes on.
She only has supervised visitation rights. She doesn't want to pay someone from the state to supervise so we are only comfortable with it happening at her parents.
Side note: I am on good terms with the my future step sons mothers PARENTS. It's really the only way they can see their grandchild because she's so all over the place.
Back to my future step son- I started watching him full time to help my fiancé save money to cut daycare costs. Our relationship grew more from there. There were "issues" with him calling me mom a lot and I would always correct him. At this point it's been 6 months since his mom has seen him. Sometime that winter she asked the father if she could see him outside of her parents. My fiancé asked if I would support this, beings I'm the one who actually raises him between the actual biological parents..I agreed. It was a mistake. He started coming back emotional. He would only call her by her first name. She flipped out and cried a few times in front of him because of it. 4 months into all the chaos she calls my fiancé in the middle of the night from jail (I think crossing a boundary right?)..for a domestic violence problem with her BD. She was saying things like "you said you would always help me" to him and asking him to get money from her apartment to bail her out. Unacceptable in my opinion. He refused as well as her parents as this is not the first time she's been in jail. She didn't see her son 4 months after that.
Then my step son eventually got back to normal. A little bit of a spoiled brat but nothing too out of the ordinary.
Then the BM comes back again. Claiming she's trying to get herself together. I supported it..especially after finding out I was PREGNANT. Her son needed his mother more than ever. What a confusing time for him when he barely knows his real mom and assumes I have been there since his birth..? I even agreed to take him to her since she was on house arrest and not allowed to drive because of her 4th DUI (nice of my right..?) whatever. That was a mistake too. Slowly but surely things got weird. He broke his collarbone at his moms, claiming it was just rough housing and fell of the bed. When I would pick him up he would act angry towards hs. He started having aggression issues, hitting my stomach, jumping off the couch onto my son's head so hard that his ear bled..I almost lost it..now on her end..slowly but surely she was crossing boundaries and my fiancé had way too much hope for her. She would text him late at night complaining about her life or stuff about her bf or just small talk. Ask about me or the unborn baby. When the baby was born she even texted him asking for a picture or hat she didn't know that I've had a c section before because he didn't tell her (like apparently that's any of her business right..?)
When my Step son came to visit (not to mention his moms parents without asking honestly uncalled for shouldn't you ask..? But I was too drugged to talk) he was automatically a brat. Crying, whining, hiring everyone, hiding under the chair..when we got the baby home he would and still does only pay attention to his little brother when his dad is home for attention. As soon as his dad or I leave the room he backs away from him and ignores him. I don't get it.
Back to the BM...a month after my 2nd child was born it was my fiance's birthday. We had dinner at my step son mom's parents house. (Normally wouldn't agree but it was just for his birthday to make him happy). Everything was fine. Until my step son innocently told his mom about it when he visited her the next day. She flipped. She sent a bunch of nasty text messages to my fiancé, her parents, and me. Especially me. A bunch of fake with half truth text messages "screenshots" claiming my fiancé was cheating on me with her and a bunch of other horrible things that I still cannot get out of my head. It haunts me that someone could be so twisted.
My fiancé has vowed to never speak to her again. His promise that I didn't make him do. Because of the effects on his son, the horrible effects on our relationship as a couple and the tension for my 6 year old and our new baby.
If she wants to see her son she has to talk to her parents. We gave them that right.
Since then she's scheduled things but last minute would cancel. Somehow blowing things out of proportion or blaming everyone else for a situation she signed off on. So far she hasn't seen her son in 7 months straight. Missing his broth day and thanksgiving, ect.
My future step son..its a work in progress but I feel like giving up.
He is completely disrespectful. We've even talked to her parents to see if he has what she does. They claim that he's nothing like how she was when she was his age. But I'm thinking he has a more low key version or is getting a later start into the Big Bang. He is mostly disrespeful towards me for some reason. Like this is all my fault. It hurts. I've been there for him longer and more than his own mother and his dad pretty much threw all the responsibility on me. Going into this I was willing to HELP. Not DO IT ALL. He is an extremely manipulative child. I should communicate more with dad about the rules but I usually don't have to because I have the only say with the kids that's just how we work. But his son will ask his dad something after I say no or just things he knows I wouldn't agree with and try to convince his dad to give him his way. It's literally gone so weird that my SS draws me pictures..then literally asks right after if he's allowed to play video games..so basically to sum it up, he's only nice to me when he wants something. Even then..last night he was sick. I was making a soup for his father and I that he didn't like so I made his own meal. Chicken noodle soup with grilled cheese, Sprite for his tummy and a homemade milkshake after..the first thing he does is get mad I didn't get blueberry icecream for a blueberry milkshake. After he gets his milkshake he's constantly rolling his eyes at me at every single thing I say. I am so close to losing it on this kid. Yes I resent him. Yes part of it is because of the crap his mom has put us ALL through and I'm left with the pieces to clean it all up. Yes all I see is his mom when I look at him. Can you blame me? He acts like a 2 year old and a teenager not a 5 year old. He cries. About everything. He ruined his grandmothers birthday by crying about cake and eating dinner and even not being the one to open the door for our guests. Literally balling and making. A huge scene..because he knows his grandma always gives into him. It makes me sick that everyone treats him like a victim because of his mom and he enjoys it. He enjoys being babied. He doesn't even like to brush his teeth himself. He doesn't like to do anything himself or be alone for a second. It's driving me crazy. It's going to get out of hand if something doesn't get fixed and little brother is going to see it. Thankfully my 6 year old son is smart enough to not even try to attempt these things with me. I feel like a prisoner in my own home. I had to make a rule that he's not allowed in my room unless he knows because I HAVE to get away from him from time to time. I forced his dad to get him into full time kindergarten early (he's born in august) because I couldn't take it. In the beginning of the school year he was having these same issues in class and his teacher was emailing us constantly. Now we got that in check. Now he's only like this at home. Mostly with me.,It just reminds me a lot of his mom (including my own mom) manipulative, secretive, disrespectful, lack of empathy...we do have discipline like time out and hands on the wall and taking away things. Nothing works. Compromising only makes it worse. He has an j don't care as long as I get my way attitude. He's moved his brother to the floor to the couch and the baby fell on the floor..he's hit the baby out of anger. He's told my 6 year old who is here 4 days a week unlike him who is 7 days, that he'll never live here forever because I don't want him to..what is wrong with this kid? Who says those kinds of things..?!
Here are my questions: was his mother out of line?
What am I or anyone else doing wrong with my step son?
How do I get rid of these horrible feelings?
Should we get him to a child psychologist?
I am in fear of our family as a whole. The BM step father has mentioned how hard it was and how he put her in front of his own biological children and neglected them because of her issues..and obviously causing marital problems. I am worried for my relationship, and my boys. I am worried for him as well but sorry, lastly. His dad tends to step in and make excuses like he (dad) is to blame for his behavior. No. He's old enough to know.
I just don't get it. I was not like this at all at his age. I wouldn't even THINK to behave like he did at the age of 5. I had 3 little brothers all of which in diapers at one point and I took care of them when my mom was sick for 2 years at the age of 12. This kid can barely go to a room to change his clothes. Am I really asking for too much? For him to act his age? Enjoy being responsible (it's a part of being a big boy anyway) be nice to his brother not just when his dad is home? Not constantly try to get my son in trouble or hit him or say mean things to him on the daily? I honestly want to move out for the sole purpose of getting away from him..
Thanks I guess. Situation is
Thanks I guess. Situation is chaotic. Not sure how else I could word it.
I am pretty much the only
I am pretty much the only reason he has any kind of consistency.
My fiancé gets mad at me because I don't think he should stay up until 11 every day on the weekend lol. He's 5. And what happens, is that he's all grumpy on Mondays when he gets back from school. Which turns to him being a brat towards me which turns into him getting in trouble. It's a bad cycle. Not like I want him to get into trouble so the solution is not let him stay up so late and get him completely off schedule. But nope I'm the bad guy. He got him a kindle when he was 2 now he doesn't know what to do with himself if I don't let him play games. I give him activities to do, he's not interested. Instead, when he's bored, he breaks the rules and terrorizes my 6 year old making him cry. I've had a hard life as well if you take a look at my blog. I did not even think to act this way. I can understand everyone has their levels of independence at certain ages but the aggression and disrespect? His grandparents think it's a good thing for a 5 year old to hangout with his 16 year old uncle and friends. Instead of kids his own age. Probably why he comes back like a damn teenager. Maybe I wouldn't feel this way if I felt like there was some kind of gratitude from the kid or AT LEAST his dad. All he does is try to be sneaky ask his dad to make sure he gets his way because dad is tired from work and will let him do whatever because of it. Then he compares me to his mom even though the longest he's consistently seen her is 3 months "mommy let me stay up playing games" "mommy made me smoothies whenever I wanted" stuff like that. Okay I get it, that's a normal kid thing to do. But it's getting old and causing a lot of resentment as to why do I even bother..? Even the BM's parents thinks all the responsibility should fall on me. Fuck THEM. If their daughter wasn't such a nutcase we wouldn't be in this situation why don't you offer some help?! Lol
I can't parent him when his dad babies him and challenges my parenting right in front of him. So what now? If I have an unsupportive spouse how am I supposed to parent a child that isn't mine? I have put this kids needs in front of my own BIO kids so many times and it has ended up hurting my 6 year old. A 5 year old telling my 6 year old that I don't love him sounds beyond his age and evil. I don't know if he said that because that's how he feels about his own mom but we have constantly told him mommy loves you, but can't take care of you because she's sick. She has to take care of herself first. "Brain sick" is what we tend to stick to. We got tired of lying to him and crying begging to see his mom that doesn't want to see him.
I resent the "throwing him in the lions den" part. We wanted to believe she got better. He wanted to see her. So pretty much we won't win either way. He'll either and WILL if he doesn't already, hate us for not letting us see his mom. His dad told him we don't even know where she lives now (which is true, she's off her rocker.) the most recent time I told there dad there was something off but he wouldn't listen and would continue to drop him off there because he didn't want to upset BM.
Get the child to a specialist
Get the child to a specialist who can assess him.
http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/oppositional-defiant-disor...
If he has it, it only get's worse. The physical aggression and only wanting his way, taunting another child is not normal behaviour.
Good luck.
That is EXACTLY what BM was
That is EXACTLY what BM was diagnosed with and turned into borderline personality disorder.
I've asked his dad to take him to someone he refuses. Probably scared of what he'll find out.