Strange Teenage Behavior (Related To Crazy BM)
I have read a lot of posts on this site but never seen anything like the issue I am experiencing and need some thoughts on the matter (as well as need to get it off my chest)...
Oldest SD17 has been living with us FT since April '07 when BM 'threw her out of the house' for the countless time. SD decided that it was the perfect time to put her foot down and leave for good- she needed to get out of the chaos and insanity at BMs house and escape to the peace and stability at our home in order to get ready for college. Grades and studying are paramount in our home- over there, it's all about FUN and partying.
When SD came to live with us, I was her emotional rock, her shoulder to cry on, her support system. DH tried, but he was more analytical about the whole situation and SD needed lots of hugs and comfort throughout the year- something I was always there to give.
BM put SD through hell and back in since she came to live with us in terms of constant emotional games, guilt and downright emotional abuse. Some of my favorite examples:
*BM didn't see her on the day of her Junior prom last year
*BM didn't go to her ring Mass (when she got her class ring).
*BM almost mucked it up so SD couldn't attend the Junior Prom- I
had to step in and make special arrangements with the school so
she could go
And most recently:
*BM promised to throw SD a graduation party for her friends,
apparently never mailed the invitations, never told SD, then
mysteriously canceled the party 2 days before it happened
*BM drove SD down to "Senior Week" and later texted DH that she
spent the money he had given her on 'booze and weed'
Now throughout all these instances, SD is always initally furious with her BM. The tears. The statements like," I can't believe she did it to me again!", yet she is ALWAYS so quick to rationalize her BMs horrible behavior; even excuse it.
Like the graduation party. When we found out that her mother canceled it on her, we were so upset for SD!!! We were emotional wrecks for her. I mean, how embarrassing! What was she going to tell her friends?!
Well, in walks SD, cool as a cucumber, after supposedly 'confronting' her BM about the situation, like nothing had happened. Her response: "Oh well, I'll see them (her friends)at Senior Week, anyway."
And DH and I were like, "WTF?!" It's like she put us on this emotional roller coaster and then decides to get off, but leaves us on. And while she's standing on the next platform smiling and waving- we're hurdling down the big hill throwing our guts up!
So the thing with the "booze & weed'. Her dad told her about it on Saturday when he went to pick her up from Senior Week. Sure, she was mad at her mom for sending him that text- for "throwing her under the bus." But then she rationalized it once again, saying, "Well, that's just mom being crazy."
And where is SD today? Back at BMs. Why? Because apparently, according to DH, BM is giving SD A LOT of guilt and pressure about coming back to her house before going away to college in August. And even though BM is a crazy bitch, SD goes running back for more abuse. It's just sick.
But I sit here and feel horrible and rejected at the same time. I'm the one who's been the rock for SD. I'm the one who's bitten my tongue at her crazy BMs bad behavior for so long that I'm surprised I haven't bitten it off completely! I never give SD guilt- I just let her make her choices and smile and say, "have a good week at your mom's."
But quietly, on the inside, my heart is still breaking.
turnstone
turnstone, Its really not strange at all. All the abused people on earth act just like that. When kids are rejected or abused by their parents they are willing to do anything to get back in, be accepted and loved by the abuser. I volunteered in a shelter for abused women and time and time again I saw the victim talk about the abuse, but then attempt to justify and defend indefensible acts. SD is very lucky to have you for a rock and down the road you will always be the one that she comes to.
attachment to outcome
I am going through the same thing. We must be careful when regarding victims of abuse, especially children, so that they don't become addicted to the attention the drama affords them. I think a lot of victims become co-dependent to the drama. I'm not talking severe physical abuse, but the more subtle emotional/verbal abuse. It just may be that SD has enjoyed dragging you into her drama. BM obviously doesn't care enough about her, so she can feel more important when you and DH get wrapped up in her woes. I'm not belittling her mother's neglect, but believe when I say that I'm right there with you (and mine's only 13.)
Some History- While DH and BM were still married, my SD and my DH (likely BM as well) had a very dysfunctional bonding ritual of bonding through putting down the other parent. Sort of like a clique. DH was just as guilty, mostly as a defense mechanism, feeling like he was doing damage control from BM doing it to him or his family.
When I met SD she would try to stroke my ego/get my attention by crying on my shoulder about her crazy mom. Sometimes it was sincere. Sometimes it was for attention or to woo me.
I am pretty perceptive and could tell it wasn't always sincere, though I was not always sure what the motive was. Her therapist has been extraordinarily helpful here, as was her diagnosis of emerging personality disorder nos.
Now I don't take the bait if I feel she's using crazy BM to try and have a bonding session with me, I am just too busy to talk right then, and ask to talk about it later. If it's really bothering her, then she will bring it up later. If not she'll get involved in something else to entertain her.
My best advice is to do your best to not attach to outcome of BM/SD's relationship. Listen when you feel it's sincere, but as SD's therapist suggested to me, try to put it off til later, or set a time limit. That way it's not the same complaints over and over just for the sake of complaining or getting your attention.
I am also picking up a book about Personality Disorder that the therapist suggested. Something about "Not Walking On Eggshells." I know that BM in my case has a warped perception that if someone is arguing with you all the time they care. She also created tons of drama with neighbors and co-workers and then would expect DH to fight for her, or take her side. When he didn't she felt he didn't love her. Once I found a list of boys SD kept (from school and daycare- around age 10.) She listed pros and cons of which ones she wanted to be her BF, based on who would give her gifts and were willing to "fight for her." This was directly from BM's warped thinking of love having to be so dramatic to be real.
Hope that helps.
"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra
Thank you
It does help. And DH and I have a new plan in place, thanks to our Parenting Coach, who advised us to not be sucked into the girls' (all 3 of them) drama with their BM.
As advised, whenever they start with, "Woe is me, I can't believe what BM did, blah, blah, blah,..." we're just supposed to say in a very calm, neutral voice, "I'm very sorry your mother did that to you. It must be a very difficult thing to deal with." And end it. Period. And do not engage the drama any further. Because THAT is exactly what they feed on.
The Parenting Coach told us, "You know BM is going to forever cause drama and emtional abuse with the girls. You know the pattern. You know how the girls react. And you cannot change their reaction to their BM. The ONLY thing you CAN control is YOUR reaction to it."
And she's right. And you're right. And when we do it the correct way, as I did this morning, no guilt, very neutral, just "have a nice week at your mom's," (because it was like SD was just WAITING for me to say something negative about her going over there for the week- but I would not take the bait!)
But as a mother, and a step mother, and a person who tries to do the right thing and be a protector, it's still so hard to watch her (really, all 3 of them) walk off constantly back into the abuse. I sometimes think that if I just didn't give a crap about them, it would be that much easier to just say, "Go ahead! Go back to your crazy mom. You all deserve each other!" But I just can't say or think that.
"If you have never been hated by a child, you have never been a parent."
-Bette Davis
Don't you wish the crazy BM's went to a parent coach?
Can't we get that ordered by a judge???? Geesh! That would be fantastic!
SD's BM goes from extremes- from not caring/spending any time with her and ignoring her or sending her to a friends her whole weekend, to watching her every move, not letting her out of her sight, treating her like an 8 year old, and buying her everything under the sun.
But like the therapist says of PD folks, it's black and white, all or nothing. No middle, no compromise, no shades of gray. Oh my favorite shrink quote about BM is she is "predictably unpredictable."
I do know what you mean about it being so hard to turn off the part that loves them enough to pull back from them when they need it. I'm trying to remember that if I can do it successfully I will help SD become a self sufficient adult. Right now she relies on being entertained or motivated completely by popularity or instant gratification. It causes her to make very poor choices. I am doing my best to react to her in a way that rewards her for her sincerity and compassionate moments, and pays no mind when she is attention seeking.
It's a difficult dance. Sometimes it feels a bit like manipulation itself. But... I know in my heart I am trying to do what's in her best interest. And since the art of manipulation was ingrained in her by BM, I have to use the weapons of mine enemy to get through!
"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra