Stpson probs- ready to throw in the towel
I am 49 year old sdad- 14 yr old sdaughter, and 16 yr old sson. Wife and i have been married 5.5 years. And, i'm at my wits end. My boy has his mother completely fooled, i guess. He is a good boy, and i'm thankful. But, he is terribly lazy. His father was the same way. His father died a few years ago from alcoholism. The father was lazy all his life. His mother did everything for him until he got married, and then his wife ( my wife now) took over. He was completely irresponsible. Now, my son is exhibiting the same traits, and sure enough his mother is overlooking them completely.
The immediate problem is school. The boy is smart, and doing okay in school. But, if he would apply himself, he could do much better. I have to stay on him constantly to get him to study. Otherwise, he would NOT be doing well at all. He claims to be studying, but he studies while listening to his ipod, or watching tv, or otherwise; and he then brings home "f's". Then, i crack down and he does better for a couple weeks. Then the p rocess repeats.
The problem is that his Mom thinks i am being unfair. The grades are the proof, but she ignores them- pointing out that overall he is doink ok, and that he is a good boy with a good heart. He would not be doing ok, however, if i didnt stay on him. Since i've been in the picture, ive been told by many people that he is doing much better than he used to do. Thats great, but his mother fights me, and i'm about ready to just leave him to his own devices, and let him fail.
The kid is completey irresponsible. He skips out on everything- chores, study, etc, - unless i force the issue. His mom always has an excuse for him. Last week i checked and found that he had 3 tests coming up. All weekend his mom let him play and goof off, and i stayed on him about studying. He claimed he knew the material, and didnt need to study anymore. So, in front of his mother, i made a deal with the boy. I told him that if he got 85's on all 3 tests, then clearly he DID know the material, and we would be able to trust him to study on his own and make decisions as to when he had studied enough. However, if he got bad grades, then that would indicate that he still needs to study when we tell him to study. Well, he did get one 85, but he also got a 57 and a 60.
And again, all weekend long his mom has lt him play withot doing any chores or any studying. Today i
reminded her that he has big tests again next week, and that he needs to study today. Next thing i know he is going to go on a bike ride. She is fine with that, but i know that it really is his effort to get out of chores and study. But, she claims he has plenty of tme to study tonight. Well, tonight rolls around and he is once again screwing around doing nothing. I remind him that he is failing one class and has big tests coming up tomorrow, and now its a different story. So, now he's up in his room pretending to be studying. His chores aren't done- mommy will do those for him. And i'm the bad guy for suggesting that he needs to be responsible and do his stuff.
Im tired. Im ready to just let him fail. Im going to let his mother worry about his schoolwork- i give up. No way to win this fight. What i wont do, however, is let him skp out on his chores; but why should i kill myself trying to help this kid when his mother fights me every step? I love him and hate to see him fail, but unless his mother supports me i cant teach him to be responsible.
Dont get me wrong- he gets ample free time- thats important. I dont want him to do nothing but study. But, i do want him to be responsible and not have to bo told to do EVERYTHING. Play time is great, and he should enjoy it while he can. But, he has to buck up and do his part. His mom knows this, and knows the danger given his bio dads history. But, she lets him slide ad overlooks the problems. I'm done.
ls has some very good points.
ls has some very good points. you are married to a guilty parent. your wife is parenting out of guilt, fear, and probably a host of other reasons. a lot of us here have experience with that, myself included.
my dh has told me many times that i am "too hard" on ss17, when i would enforce simple chores around the house, homework to be done at a decent hour, and not allowing him to stay up all night long on school nights playing video games. it caused a lot of arguments. i finally disengaged, meaning i stepped back out of the picture and allow dh to parent (or non parent) himself. the result is that ss17 will be 18 in three months: he has no drivers license, no job, very few friends, does no chores around the house, is flunking school, and doesnt have much of a future.
it is hard to watch, and even harder to maintain any type of respect for my husband. therapy was an option on the table for awhile, but he refuses now. that might be something for you to investigate-with a therapist who has experience with step families.
in the mean time, this is a good link.
http://www.steptogether.org/help.html
you will have to flip the scenarios, since its focus is on guilty daddies, but its pretty enlightening. also, do a search around here for "guilty parenting". there is a lot of information about this particular subject. best of luck to you.
ive gotten tot he disengage
ive gotten tot he disengage point man times, i then get so irritated over something or another again me and hubby have another fight eventually even thoug now days there far between... i wish i could perm disengage!
Disengage. I know his father
Disengage. I know his father is deceased. My son's is as well. That is why I am hard on him and expect A's. No one is going to be there to help him but me. I understand your wife's guilt, but you have to remember that she is compensating still for his loss.
Stay out of the parenting here. They don't want your help. That is pretty clear. Keep repeating, "Not my Kid, Not my problem."
I know he doesn't have a Dad. He does have a mom and she needs to decide to parent here. You can't do it for her. If she backed you up, you could. But, she is not. She needs to realize this herself. Maybe when he gets F's and doesn't get passed along to the next grade, she will. Good luck, in the meantime, Step back and watch the drama, but do not get involved. Parent yours and let her parent hers.
i totally understand, my
i totally understand, my hubby wont listen to me about his soon to be 16 yo ever and we get into alot of major arguments about him. he doesnt have any friends, no hobbies, nothing just computer games and game devices. getting like a c average in school. doesnt like to be clean himself nor his room in our home, which stinks. my hubby is on the sofa right now sleeping cause he didnt want to be around me because im mad m stepson cut his own hair and left it all over the bathroom, again!
Thanks to all for your
Thanks to all for your responses. Fortunately, his Mother DOES listen to me, and although she often does not want to face reality at the time, she usually begins to realize the truth. Then she gets mad at the boy. I think she just wants to believe that some extenuating circumstance must have occurred, and that things will improve in time. But, over time she does get frustrated with him too. The problem is thatnshe let's him slip a LOT before she takes action, and I try and hold him to a more standard level of performance. After all, when he gets to college and then a job, he is going to have to perform EVERY day, not just occasionally. And, Mommy isn't going to be there to force him. That's why it's important, I think, to teach him to be responsible.
Our marriage is very strong, and I think we'll survive the boy. One thing that really helps is that I am actually very close to the biological Dad's sister and her husband. They completely agree with me, and they clearly see the true situation. My wife respects them a LOT, and so I rely on them to help me convince my wife that there really is a problem.
I sort of have a deal with my wife that has been more casual, but I'm going to suggest that we make it more significant. My step daughter frustrates her, and the boy frustrates me. Therefore, when we need to be tough parents, I've been doing more of the discipline with her, and wifey disciplines the boy. Of course, she's not been nearly tough enough, and so I need to step in. But, I think I am going to disengage somewhat and let her deal more with the boy. He's got her figured out, so she will fail and his grades will decline. I'm going to let that happen. Eventually, she'll get the picture.
Thank you again!