stepdaughter attitude problem
Well I'm new here. I'm almost a step mom. In exactly 37 days I will be a step mom of 3. We have been living together for over 2 years anyway but for some reason I can't seem to get through to the 12 year old girl. Let me tell you a little bit about what happened to the kids. My fiance was in the army and while deployed in Iraq found out that the kids were being abused and neglected by their mom. His daughter who was 9 at the time was taking care of her younger brothers while being molested by her older half brother. Needless to say my fiance found out, had the kids taken out of the siutation and quickly filed for divorce. Now over 3 1/2 years later the only thing the kids mom can do is call once a month. She hasn't seen them since they were removed from her custody. The boys are too young to remember and call me Mom. I have a great relationship with the boys. But the daughter is a different story. We fight constantly. I work full time and make sure she has what she needs. I don't spoil her. Well frankly I can't afford to. Who can these days anyway. I did get her a cell phone for xmas that she had been begging us to get for 2 years. Since she has gotten the phone, I was smart and made her sign a contract. She has broken most of the rules on the contract and now has the phone taken away. My parents spoiled her last christmas and gave her a laptop which I didn't think she needed at such a young age. I have to remind her to do her chores. She sneaks things to school like makeup and her ipod then tries to lie about it. She will look me straight in the eye and lie to me even though she knows that I know the truth. Her Dad is not the typical guilty divorced Dad either. He helps enforce the rules. Sometimes I do feel like he caves easier than what he should but I won't complain after reading some of the posts on here. I just refuse to let her manipulate me. She learned from her mom how to manipulate at a very young age. She puts on an act when she is around our friends and family but turns into devil child when it is just her and I. I do make an effort to do things with her to make her feel special but of course when I do she tends to try and take advantage of that. I've read the love and logic books but it just does not seem to help. She has lots of issues and we are in process of looking for another counselor since we have had health coverage change recently. I'm tired of arguing with her. I'm tired of grounding her, its not doing any good but I don't know what else to do. She has everything of value to her taken away right now due to her terrible attitude. I don't want to start my marriage off like this. I feel like she is trying to drive a wedge between her Dad and I. I don't think she truly ever got over the divorce even though she has told me that she was glad that they split up. She said they fought all the time. She even admits that she's better off here with us instead of with her mom. I just don't get much respect from her and I am tired of it. Any suggestions?
12 going on 13 is one of the
12 going on 13 is one of the hardest years ever! not to mention that she has the history of abuse/bm screwing her up. being consistent with her, not blowing up on her, and basically parenting her are good things you can do to provide a good home for her. I know you feel alone in it because their dad isn't around.
Some things you just have to live through until they are over. At one point I thought the kids were never going to grow up, and then the next minute they are. All the teaching and time was worth it because they are excellent young women. It was pure work for a long time between 10 and 15. The early work is physically exhausting, the later work is emotionally exhausting.
Hang in there!! Keep your boundaries and teach her how to be a young woman.
I have the same problems with
I have the same problems with my BFs daughter. She acts nice around my friends and family then she is totally different person when she is with us. She acts spoiled and always needs attention and if she doesn't get it from my BF she will yell at him. She is 17 and still acts this way! I hope it changes, when you know what to do let me know because I am at a loss too.
If you can afford it (and try
If you can afford it (and try VERY hard to afford it), she needs counselling to help her with the fact that she was molested. DH needs to make sure he talks to her about it...make sure she understands that it wasn't her fault, and that NO ONE is allowed to touch her like that. Daddy needs to be the hero--even though it doesn't happen any longer. Of course, this is all IMO and I am not a professional...just a mom and step mom.
My SD14 has been much the same way for many years (I've been in her life since she was 3). We have never really gotten along (but then again, their mom is still around and really stirs the shit at every opportunity) until recently. SD14 gave me a wonderful letter for Christmas that said she wants to work on our Mother/Daughter relationship. It was so wonderful--but also the most COMPLETE SURPRISE ever! She has been a mean, hateful, beligerent little snot the entire time I have known her. She has told some horrible lies about me ("dragged her up the stairs by her hair and slammed her into the wall" was probably the worst one). It has taken many, many prayers to even realize that I needed to be in her life because she needs someone to show her how a mom is supposed to behave.
If you can get beyond the attitude and behavior...try to be the role model that she obviously needs. Sometimes...I wonder if being a stepmom is worth it..and before Christmas, I probably would have said "Probably not", but now...I am hoping that my own stubborn desire to teach the skids morals, good manners and everything in between will pay off...at some point.
I know a little girl who is
I know a little girl who is going through the same stuff with her SM...She is 13.
They are in the process of trying to get full custody of her. Her BM has always been more like a friend then a parent. the SM and the SD have, for the most part, gotten along. The SM is kind of a drill sergeant (doesn't seem like you are).
They have gone through the motions with this girl but they have not really talked to her about the things she has gone through. They also just found out the SD was molested a few years back!! SM calls her a manipulator. Well, of course she is, look at what this poor child has been through.
I am not saying this is 100% like your story but; this is what was told to her and maybe it will help you.
First, if she is not in counseling,get her in some - today, now!
This girl is young and looking for someone - more then likely you - the one that has been there for her.
I myself, have been in a situation like this, being touched by people when you don't want to, and it is the most awful thing in the world. You feel like you did something wrong.
She is going to push you away and make you want to loose it; this is her way of seeing who will still be there when the smoke clears. It is going to get a hell of a lot worse before it gets better.
I know a lot about attituden and divide and conquer; my SD14 is going to be a queen someday (after I step down...LOL)
Example: Last night was her first bank concert (she lives with us)
who was there?? Us and only us - noone from her moms side; not even her mother. Her son had soccer practice.......REALLY!!
And there SD was - defending her........I hope she sees someday that - THAT is not what mothers do.
Good luck to you; it is going to be a bumpy road; but it sounds like you are willing to go that route.........