So I'll try to keep this short-can't be sweet...I have been married for 5 years, two children of my own (am widowed)-both grown and out of the house at this point-both were in HS when we married.  Two young adult step children from DH first marriage 26 boy, 23 girl, two children 15, 13 (7,9 when married) that we have eowe situation.  Fast forward 4 years, older step kids have this guilting, manipulating relationship with their Dad.  Younger kids have BM that has ADHD, switches jobs every year or so with long bouts of unemployment inbetween, lies and wrings my husband out for more money whenever she can "for the girls", and doesn't parent-the kids can do no wrong, their house is disgusting because there are no enforced rules there (example-dog was never potty trained so just poops and pees throughout house), they can never find anything, don't take care of things, so they just buy more.  It is very disfunctional.

So at our house (which was my house before we married) we buy quality things and then take care of them, thus don't need to replace things super often.  We take our shoes off at the door or at least don't walk on the carpet with them, clean on a regular basis, do dishes after every meal, etc.  We have a comfortable, tidy home-not over the top spotless, but the roomba runs every day, bathrooms get cleaned every other week, etc.  I want the kids to respect our way of doing things when they come here.  I am having a hard time getting buy in from my husband because he doesn't want to be nagging the kids all the time, etc.  For context-his house was messy and not maintained and he isn't a clean-as-he goes guy.  We have managed this pretty well in our house, because it is large and he has his own personal space that he can treat as he wishes, but our common space he keeps neat, he does the dishes after I make dinner, etc.  We discussed this as a potential difference in our ways of living and he agreed that my way of maintaining things, and generally upkeeping was better and agreed to do it...which HE (generally) does.  He just doesn't inforce if with his kids...who leave dirty socks around the house, don't clean up their dirty dishes, when they open a cough drop will drop the wrapper on the floor instead of use the waste basket, don't put anything back-just leave it lie where they finished using it.  How do I get this stuff done without being the one to constantly be nagging?  I have started asking him to pick it up, figuring if he isn't willing to change the kids behavior it can be his mess to deal with.

The car is the worst as its so hard to clean...We recently took a trip and use my car because it is larger and fits everyone.  I have learned that they can't eat in the car on road trips...I end up with a mess that I alone clean up time and again.  This trip my husband wanted to get where we were going fast so was repeatedly asking me if we could eat in the car and get back on the road, to which the 15 year old joined in.  I stood my ground and we ate in the restaurant but the 15 year old wouldn't let it go and kept asking why we couldn't eat in the car.  He didn't answer her, just said we weren't going to.

Has anyone else dealt with this different house different rules things???  Any insight as to how to deal with it?