Step daughter woes...
My wife and I have been friends for 15 years now. She had Emma 12 years ago and the father was never really in the picture. The last time Emma saw him she was 2, when he popped in for her birthday party with his new girlfriend and left after 10 minutes. I was there the day Emma was born and I was always known as Uncle Chris. Around 8 years ago, my wife and I made the jump from friends to dating. Shortly after that I moved in, but we maintained separate rooms and really didn't live as a couple. Within 6 months of moving in Emma began calling me Dad on her own. We married just shy of 5 years ago. Emma often expressed interest in being a Brown and finally two years later I legally adopted her. When we first started discussing adoption with her I made it clear that if she ever wanted to meet her real dad I would not be offended and would understand. She had recently asked about meeting him and her Mom (I left that up to her) told her that she was a bit too young, but in due time if we can find him she will let her meet him. We are both worried that, based on his past behavior, he will break her heart.
Because I am home often as a full time student, I am the one who handles most of the discipline and most situations that come up. Emma has always favored her Mom, which I fully understand. In the past year, as she enters into the whole teenage attitude thing, she and I have started butting heads more and more. She has started lying to us on a regular basis and often over tiny little things that just doesn't make sense. She has always been very concerned about what her friends think and has an uncanny knack at selecting the wrong kind of friends. For a while she was best friends with a girl that got her into trouble at school fairly often and then every other day Emma would come home crying because the girl had talked bad about her. Luckily that girl moved away and right now she has a small group of friends that seem to be good kids. The biggest problem we are having right now is that she has gone 100% boy crazy, which worries her Mom and I since she is only 12, and her grades have slipped to the point that we really thought she would fail the 6th grade. After grounding her from everything and taking away everything but the bare minimum her grades have thankfully pulled out of the slump.
Recently she has been caught in a couple of situations that had me very concerned and with a new "boyfriend" that she "loves" I was am very concerned that she is headed down a very dangerous road. So I did something that I am sure many will not agree with, but I feel that as a parent you have the right to find out all information you can by any means......I found her diary and read through it.....I know big no-no.
I did find out that her Mom and I had caught her in a couple of lies that she denied which helped justify the punishments. But the thing that really kicked me in the gut was the full on rage that she apparently feels for me. Her diary is full of unadulterated hatred directed at me and only me. As I said, she has called me Dad since she was around 5 years old but in her diary I am just Chris and she said over and over how I will never be her Dad. I have never forced her to call me Dad and since she has never really known him I assumed I wasn't trying to take anyone's place in her mind. She went into great detail about every single time she has been punished and even when her Mom was the one that handled the discipline I was the one who got the blame. It was even complete with pictures she had drawn of her stabbing me with a knife and cutting me in half with a chainsaw.
I understand that children will act out and say things in anger, but this blew me away. I knew we butted heads, but I always thought we had a pretty good relationship. I do my best to show interest in the things she likes to do and this fall she is excited to go hunting with me....something I love to do. She and I shoot basketball together....she is pretty good, if she would put the kind of concentration into it I see from time to time she could easily be one of the best girls on the team. I really thought that even though she was entering into a very tense time for a kid and a parent, that she and I had a good relationship......but now I am at a loss.
she drew pics of you being
she drew pics of you being stabbed and cut with a chainsaw? call me paranoid, but i would not take this girl hunting and if you do, dont give her a weapon!
Well as far as the hunting
Well as far as the hunting goes, it is Kentucky state law that anyone under 16 must be within arms reach of an adult at all times so that you can take control of the firearm at all times. She will not be handed a rifle and sent off on her own at anytime. I really don't fear her, I realize that it is just her way of showing her rage at the moment.
I fully remember thinking my parents could not possibly know what I was going through and thinking they were complete idiots. What I don't understand is why I catch all of the rage. her Mom and I share the punishment and back each other up, but even when her Mom is the one doing the yelling I still catch the wrath.
I had a diary when I was that
I had a diary when I was that age too. Every page said, I HATE my mother and other horrible things about hating my mom. She read it and was really hurt.
I think this is probably just teenage girl stuff, but I'm no expert. Full on pictures is a little concerning.
My husband adopted both of my
My husband adopted both of my bios...my daughter was about 12 at the time of her adoption, and my son was 10. That surely didn't make life smoother! My son, never had any problem calling my husband dad (or as he prefers, pops). My daughter, a bit of a different story. With my daughter, I think it was more of a distrust of men...period...and she was always pushing those buttons to see how far away she could push my husband...to see if he would leave (because that is all she knew). Her trouble didn't kick in until about 15, but it was a tough go. One thing, DH and I had to stand united, and we did! You sometimes just have to show that tough love...there is plenty of time to be friends after they are grown! DH and BD24 have a good relationship now. Sad thing is that it didn't really happen until she was 19...that is when she finally woke up to the fact that NOT ALL men leave, and she could have a relationship with DH.
That said, I don't know what it is with girls these days! My SD about lost her mind at around the same age as your daughter! I won't go into all the details, because I don't want to scare the hell out of you! In short, DH was not as strict with SD16 as he was with BD24! As a result, the girl is on a wild ride...turned 16 just last week! I wasn't allowed to give any input with that girl. When she first started getting into trouble, BM shipped her off to our house. I told DH there needed to be some punishment for the trouble, and was told, "Well, she didn't do it at our house, so I don't feel right punishing her!" For crying out loud!! Seriously, you have to nip that behavior in the butt early! The lying, even about stupid stuff, should not be let go. SD16 would lie about who's glass of milk was left in the TV room, or about who spit toothpaste all over the sink in a bathroom only she used (when she was told to clean it up)! It is scary how the lies just flow out of her mouth without even a pause! I knew then, if she would lie about the stupid stuff, she would lie about the big stuff...and sure enough, she was. When her house of cards fell here (because DH FINALLY woke up and decided to quit being "disney dad"), she went running to BM with lies of abuse in our house to get BM to finally let her move back, and that is where she is now...doing whatever she pleases.
So, you see, I've seen both sides of the coin...the one that had the rules and the consequences, and the one who was treated with kit gloves. Though, it sometimes hurts to lay down the consequences and be told by your child that they hate you, in the long run, it is the best! Talk with your wife and make sure you are on the same page. It may not hurt to see if the your wife would be willing to send the girl to some sort of counselor. I know there were not very many specifics about her bio dad, but I know from experience that when a man drops out of their kid's life like that...especially girls...there can be some serious scars. She may not hate you as much as she fears you will leave, and it is better that she take the defensive and push you away than you simply walk out...at least in her mind. That is what BD24 thought with DH...she finally admitted it later. She really thought it would hurt less if she pushed him away, as she was so afraid of having a relationship with him only to have him turn his back on her, too. If that is what is going on in her mind, it is possible that talking to a counselor may help.
I had always assumed that
I had always assumed that since she never really knew her bio that she would not feel a connection with him, but I think with a male mind and she does not. I realize that it is more than likely that he can be perfect because he is not here, so in her mind he couldn't possibly punish her the way I do because he would understand, unlike me. I am truly afraid of what the reality of him would be for her. I also can understand wondering why he hasn't made an effort to see her.
I can definitely see the fear of leaving thing in an older child, but having been around since she was 5 I would have thought that she didn't have a chance to develop a fear of being left yet.
After reading all of that I went through a hundred different scenarios of how I should handle it. In the end, which didn't really come until seconds before she got off the school bus, i decided the best course of action was to swallow my pride and continue doing what I have always done....keep doing what I feel is best for her in the long run. The past two days have been those days that parents dream of....laughing, teasing, getting along great. She even confided in me that she is nervous about her first school dance that is coming up Thursday. I tried to console her by telling her that boys at her age are much more afraid than she will ever be and that if she were to stand on her head he would think she was an amazing dancer. When her Mom got home we were talking about it and we demonstrated how to slow dance. Her Mom said, "Why don't you dance with your Mom?" To which I replied,"Come on, you know she doesn't want that" because typically any kind of contact like that is strictly off limits. Mom said, "Well, have you asked her?" And Emma quickly replied, "No!" So I said, "Well, I would be happy to show you but you typically get embarrassed by anything like that." She just grinned, so I asked her if she would like to dance with me....she jumped to her feet in a heart beat. She did make me ask her properly (she is such a girly girl ha ha), but she was excited about it. They certainly don't make it easy on you when the rules can change in a heart beat! ha ha
It is days like yesterday and the day before that makes it all worth the headaches. I console myself with the thought that someday she will pull out of this hormonal junk and if I have done what is right she will realize that everything I did was out of love and maybe then I will get some credit....but man it's a long wait!
I think all or at least many
I think all or at least many kids around that age deal with angst, rage, and disdain for their parents at some level. But raging a diary full of vitriolic hate for you is far from normal or tolerable teen angst.
I would bare her ass with her diary and even let her know that her diary documented rage could get her some time with the police. I had this talk with my Skid when I read the comments written in his sophomore year book. One if his 2nd tier girl friends wrote a comment about how much fun she had ditching sports practice (he was supposed to be at swim practice) and running around the high school with my Skid and other friends plotting the demise (killing) of their least favorite teacher. I was a fraction of an inch from calling the cops and letting him suffer the full consequences of that bullshit.
Instead we sent him to military boarding school for his Jr. and Sr. years. I had no fear that he would seriously plan anything evil or actually act on that crap but..... :?
On his first break from military school he removed that page from his year book and burned it. One of the school shootings had occurred and was in the news at that time and my lecture combined with the news coverage gave him some clarity on how wrong even to joke about something like that was.
Teen angst is one thing, evil confrontational disrespectful bullshit is something else entirely.
Talk to her about it. I would.
My wife is adopted by her StepDad. Though her BioDad/my MIL's first husband was killed in a car accident before my MIL knew she was pregnant my wife's and your SD's situations are similar at that age. My bride and her dad are extremely close. She is the eldest of 4 kids in her family. My FIL was in the delivery room when she was born and he and my MIL married when my wife was 2mos old. She had a couple of "Your not my father!!" episodes and rage events towards my FIL when she was in the pre-teen and early teen years. No lasting damage to the relationship was done. In fact she and my FIL have the closest relationship of any of her younger (half) sibs.
Her diary is not necessarily a relationship deal breaker but I would confront her with it to start working through it so it does not impact your future relationship with your daughter.
Absolutely no unlimited
Absolutely no unlimited access to internet for her. In fact, she doesn't even have a computer! I know I know....she is abused or at least she thinks she is. She did have a Galaxy, basically an Ipod, that she could get online with until she got that taken away for her grades. She was also caught talking to strangers on random chat sites....I quickly set it up with Mobicip....I highly recommend this for anyone with kids it's a pretty good parental control program and pretty cheap.
I have allowed her Mom to take the lead on meeting her bio dad and she is firm on not letting her until she is a little older. When we went through the adoption process the attorney made attempts to contact him and could not find him....couldn't even find his parents, so we really do not know where to begin to look for him. Last we heard he had moved to the St. Louis area, but we don't know how accurate that was.
Thanks to everyone for the advice......I am hanging in there.