Skid (15) treats me and my kids like we're trash

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I wrote a whole big thing earlier about the mental instability of my husband's ex and how I can totally empathize with how it affects his 15 year old son. I keep this in mind and always focus on conducting myself accordingly so that I am supportive and kind.

However, I can't help but have my own internal feelings that although I don't act on I feel like I have to talk through sometimes.

BM isn't only a narcissist, she is a really pretentious one. She married a doctor and moved into a million dollar mansion. She always has to have the best of everything. And she is one of those types who believes that her children are special snowflakes that are more important than your kids and deserve special treatment. Her daughter (different dad, my DH adopted) has an average singing voice, but the mother convinced the child that she has the most amazing voice ever, she could win American Idol, she needs to be in Hollywood getting a record contract. I mean, she contacted agents and spent all this money on hucksters who promised that for the low low price of $5,000, they can make your kid a star...she did all this nonsense and of course, it never went anywhere. But since the girl was the star of every high school play in a school where there were maybe ten people in her graduating class, this was proof that she was gifted beyond it all and destined for stardom. The girl promptly went to university to major in theatre and discovered that she was mediocre at best and what truly gifted people were like and of course, became disillusioned and dropped out.

Her son (biologically my DH's with her) she decided was fragile, delicate, and weak. She coddled and babied him and decided that he was allergic to dust, pollen, scents, sugar without any medical basis whatsoever...because at the same time, she didn't believe in doctors or vaccinations. The kid at one time would come over and have a baggie with I shit you not ten different herbal supplements he had to take. I mean Karen level 10,000 with the school, aggressively attempting to control and battle them every week to make them ban peanuts, walnuts, do extra cleaning, ban sugar...and the boy internalized all of this. A girl sprayed herself with perfume in class one day and he had a literal panic attack and claimed he couldn't breathe because his asthma was coming on and he got to go home. He believes sugar will harm him and he has anxiety attacks if he eats too much sugar. He perceives himself now as delicate and fragile, which is a shame, because I'm sure he is not. As I said, there is no medical basis for any of this, DH has confirmed.

So you already have a kid who has been conditioned since birth to believe that he is the exception, that he is more special than others. He already has a complex embedded in him by his BM that he is a little prince among peasants. Throw in there BM's narcissistic vendetta against me (based on bullshit), then you have a situation. For the longest time, I chalked it up to shyness or maybe even a touch of ASD (I am on the spectrum myself) but then I just started paying attention. And I honestly think this kid is ooking down on me and my childred like we are trash.

Already, he refuses to have anything to do with me. He doesn't speak to me even to say hello or goodbye and if I ask him a question, he will speak the answer to his dad. He has to have 100% of his dad's attention and interrupts me if I have to come in and say something. It isn't neediness as much as it is entitlement...like he is entitled to this 100% uninterrupted focus and no one else is in any way entitled to even a moment of his dad's attention even to ask a question like do you remember where you put the car keys last? And any time he is here, my DH has to sit right next to him on the couch playing video games and I mean like 72 hours with breaks for sleep. DH can't do anything else or he will sulk, pout, and whine. He appears to look around at our home with a very pinched look on his face, as if it is all beneath him, like internally he is going, Ew. Gross. My daughters, 9 and 11, of course want to have a relationship with him and want to spend time with him. He ignores them, talks down to them in a very haughty manner, or acts annoyed that he is bothered with them.

And honestly, I try to be a genuine and loving mom but I'm just a regular country mom. I give my kids tylenol and orajel when they need it, not amber teething necklaces. They eat junk food and drink soda sometimes. They get messy and play in the dirt and wear their pajamas all day sometimes. I'm just really down to earth and I love everyone equally. I don't coddle. I don't wrap my own kids up in cotton wool and put them on a pedestal. So when he is here, he is just another kid and this seems to be offensive to him. When I make food, it is just regular food made from stuff I got from Wal-Mart, not in the organic section. This is when I see the biggest snobbery. He curls his lip and smirks and rolls his eyes and is like, and what's this? oh. yeah. no thanks. i prefer sock-eye salmon the way my mother makes it. i don't eat anything with gluten in it. i only eat organic beef. thanks.

The kid acts like he is a prince sent to spend his weekend in a hut with peasants. I know it isn't his fault bc it is his BM's narcissism transferring down and I know the appropriate way to act but I just need to vent about this becuase I really dread when he comes over here. He has this pissy, haughty, snobby attitude and it is annoying. I just keep to myself and do my own thing and I am kind but sometimes I think, no wonder he got his ass kicked so many times that he had to move schools twice. He's being raised to think he is enitled to act like this because he is being raise to think he literally is better than everyone.

So what does your DH do when SS acts this way?

So what does your DH do when SS acts this way? Are there ever any consequences? Your DH should make him treat you with respect, and then means answering when you talk to him.

He won't do anything but make

He won't do anything but make excuses for him. He bows down and caters to him like he is a royal baby. And even though he is 15, still cleans his room and makes his bed and refers to him using the name he had for him as a baby ("I better go check on the Bubbeh to see if he is settling down to sleep"). To be nice, I went in and dusted and my DH was falling over himself like, oh no, what's that smell? Did you use lavender? That will upset him. He won't like it. It will make him not be able to breathe. Go back in there and turn on the fan and open the Windows. I don't want him to be upset." It's an all-around sick, stupid, shitty situation.

I would let your DH be in

I would let your DH be in charge of cleaning and caretaking and your SS15. After all he is the expert... Just feign ignorance or concern be that he is the only one that can do it right.

My SD14 can be be kind of a snob and BM is in weird about food. It's not as bad as your situation. DH doesn't play into it and SD realized she can have junk food at our house so she's a snob about some things but not the chips, soda, ice cream or Oreos.

THis. And when he ignores you

THis. And when he ignores you or answers your questions through your husband DON'T let him. "I asked you a question, kindly answer me." Or "Ignoring people is rude. I'm sure your mother brought you up better than that."

Please call him out when he

Please call him out when he is being rude to you or your kids. You are the adult and co head of your household. You deserve respect. By not calling him out you're just letting him get away with it.

Blech. Your DH is a HUGE

Blech. Your DH is a HUGE part of this problem too.

Stop. Stop cooking, stop

Stop. Stop cooking, stop cleaning, stop trying. He's a complete stranger who you ddon't need to bother with since he can't be bothered with you. Take your girls and go have fun when he plays video games for marathon seesion w/ Daddy glued to his side. Make sure you take the girls to eat before you come home, Daddy can feed his precious. Don't do his laundry... don't want to use the wrong soap. Don't cook, wouldn't want to upset hims tumtum. Don't clean, can't get little one's nose all itchy. Do. Not. Bother. Daddy can do for him.

"DH, YOU can coddle SS as

"DH, YOU can coddle SS as much as you want, but if he is disrespectful to me or my children, or to strangers in public, I will treat him EXACTLY like I would my own children/I will correct him/I will chew him out for being disrespectful. I didn't raise him to be an entitled little prince like you and BM, and I am not going to suffer for it, nor let my kids and others suffer for it. You want to bow down to him? Fine. I won't, and if that bothers you, I suggest you find somewhere else to spend time with him."

Or disengage. Don't cook, clean, or speak to him. If he acts like an a-hole, pack yourself and your kids up and go elsewhere. Then tear into your DH for not being a parent when you get back.

The BM in my life, including my MIL and BM's mom (GBM), babied the hell out of my YSS. Drove me absolutely batty. YSS learned really early on that trying to manipulate or harass me would only result in not getting his way with me and punishment from DH. He didn't know how to handle that because he was used to getting his way, and even DH throwing his hands up more often than not because he was so frustrated. DH learned I wouldn't tolerate it, and he got his head out of his arse to reinforce to YSS that no one was going to tolerate it when he was around.

Your husband isn't worth you and your kids being disrespected. You can 100% understand why your SS behaves the way he does while also expecting him to behave better - AND expecting your DH to parent him. This isn't all BM's fault; your DH reinforces this dynamic, and he does it at your and your daughters' expenses. It's gross and highly unattractive.

Even if you can't or won't stand up to SS, you can and should speak up to your husband. How he allows his son to behave toward HIS WIFE and YOUND KIDS is appalling.

Next time he talks down to

Next time he talks down to your daughters, ask him if he is this snotty at school. And walk away with a very visible grin.

Has your husband ever considered how hard life will be for his precious if he carries on like this? Does he understand that he is ruining his kid's chances of a decent life if he doesn't teach him basic life skills? Or maybe he doesn't love him enough to care?

First, it is absolutely his fault.

He is far past old enough to be held accountable for how he behaves and treats others. Universal zero tolerance for his fuckery is in order.

He sulks, pouts, and whines then kick his ass to banishment in the back yard to think it out and he can come back in when he pulls his head out of his entitled, princely, immature, coddled baby ass. No focus from daddy until he catches a clue.

He chooses to turn his nose up at the meals? He chooses to starve. Eat or suffer. No other option should be offered or tolerated.

Etc.

No kid in my home or life would treat me or my home and family like trash and live anything but a continuous state of escalating abject misery. Neither would any adult. SpermGrandHag suffered because of this for the entire duration we lived under the CO. It cost her money in legal fees, loss of face in her community, job, and church, and ultimately her crap cost her her grand son. In fact, the SpermClans collective crap cost them an amazing man as a family member.

Confront his crap directly, demonstrate with him how being a little shit works out as an example for your own kids. Do the same with BM. The Dr who married her crazy toxic ass would never have me or anyone in my family as a patient. He is an idiot.

Reasonable polite behavior returns reasonable treatment. Toxic returns misery. His choice. Her choice.

And don't forget to kick your DH in the ass for failing as a man, a father, and as your husband.

Keep it simple.

Strongly agree

I always look forward to Rags comments because they're so on point. this tired school of thought of poor ss is ridiculously overdone. Sure, of course most of these kids have gone through hurtful situations but there is no excuse to treat an adult who is being nice to them like a piece of crap or an invisible ghost.

I went through this with my ex and I'm so glad I'll never see him or his rude ignorant cretin son ever again. Of course, it's not always necessary to leave , but your dh needs to wake up and stop tolerating disrespect toward you OP! Best of luck !

You seem to be blaming BM for

You seem to be blaming BM for a lot of this, but your H is also to blame. In fact, he's more to blame for allowing his kid to disrespect you and your kids in your own home. He witnesses it and doesn't do something about it, which is totally unacceptable. It's not right for him not to insist on proper treatment of you and yours, and it is very unfair to his son that he's not raising him properly. He does his son no favors by coddling him. Is he weak overall, or only where it concerns his son?

I would stop doing anything for this bratty teen, and I would not hesitate to call him out if his behavior is inappropriate and it affects you or your kids (I wouldn't waste my time trying to deal with anything else). If your H didn't back you on that, I would make my displeasure very well known and let him know his priorities (and his parenting) are very screwed up.

You have two problems:

1. Entitled little prince SS

2. Your second, and bigger problem, is your H who enables this shitty behavior.

UGH. Good luck!

I Completely

I completely understand where you're coming from. I just posted something similar with my SS who is 16 and completely coddled by his biodad. At 16 he can't tie his shoes, comb his har (When at biodads, biodad combs his hair before sending him off to high school), biodad shaves him, etc....at our house it has created tension because I feel I am always nagging him to take care of things his sister who is 3 years younger is able to do. As a result, I have made a conscous decision to disengage. I made this choice this last weekend but I have to say, part of disengaging is biting my tongue to allow my wife to handle the discipline or discussions. Its been hard for me because I don't want to live with things not being taken care of and, now, instead of nagging the kids I feel like I'm nagging my wife who tends to try and overlook things. I hope you are able to find a way to manage the behavior and that your husband becomes supportive. Its a tough place to be. I just keep telling myself "two more years...two more years...two more years and he's out of here." Honestly when he turns 18, I have a feeling he'll go be a lump on biodads couch because biodad doesn't hold him accountable or have any expectations for him to grow up and be independant.