Should step son have keys to my house?
My fiancé and I live together for three years, been together six. He has a 17 year old son from a previous relationship (both parents were very young when they had him) I have no children. i have a good relationship with his son. He is a good kid. Don't get me wrong he has his bratty moments, but over all he is a nice boy.
SS 17 has keys to our home. He lives with his mother, but his school is vey close to my house. He has to take 4 buses or 2 trains to go to his mothers house. Sometimes he chooses not to go home and come to my house. In the past there were times my fiancé and I were not home when he showed up. As a result, my fiancé gave him keys. It makes me uncomfortable because I value my privacy, I don't want his son to catch me naked, I hate not knowing when he might just burst in ( example, if he had half a day or leaves school because he is "sick", it has happened before). Recently, he came in my house when we weren't home and it wasn't during school hours. He left because we weren't there. I knew something was up because my puppy was bleeding. I leave her locked in my kitchen with a baby gate. I guess she saw him and was scratching at the gate. Just an example of how this key thing can go wrong. How do I know his mother wasn't all up in my house because she's the one who came and dumped him off. The whole idea creates Soo much tension in my relationship. I don't have keys to my mom's house, my fiancé doesn't have keys to his Mother's house. Am I being unreasonable for hating the fact that he has keys to my home?
I can see how you feel uneasy
I can see how you feel uneasy about this. With us being the wife/woman in the relationship, I often feel like the step is really the ex...
If your SS doesnt live with you I dont see why he needs a key. He shouldnt be showing up unannounced or be there when you arent home. I think its reasonable that he only come home when your DH is there.
First I want to say thank you
First I want to say thank you for your comment, you made me smile. I don't want to be the mean horrible wicked step mother, but when I got into the relationship I didn't realize what it takes to be a step parent. It's hard to accept someone that you didn't give birth too all in your business- the good, the bad etc. I don't have problems in my relationship, but if for some reason we parted ways I would never deal with someone who had children. I love kids, but its hard.
My fiancé and I have lived
My fiancé and I have lived together for three years. You're reading into my words way too much.
He shouldn't have keys to
He shouldn't have keys to your home. If he lived with you full time there would be an argument for him having keys to his home. If it's not his primary residence then, no, he shouldn't have keys. Change the locks and tell your fiance that if his son gets another key you'll be changing the locks again and HE won't be getting a key either!
I would tell him that even
I would tell him that even though he has a key, it would be respectful if he knocked or rang the doorbell first to see if anyone is home. Especially if it is not after school, which is the reason he has the key in the first place. He should not be using it anytime he pleases.
Is there no way for him to contact you or his dad to let you know that he will be coming over?
He has a cell phone, but they
He has a cell phone, but they are not allowed in school. I do anticipate that after school ther is a chance that he will come, so I'm usually prepared. I wish he would knock though. Thank you for comment
Been there and understand how
Been there and understand how you feel. We both have a SS age 17 and have a good relationship. When SS was living with us, we gave him a key but when he moved away, we hung onto the key. I do not sit well with anyone having my house key that does not reside here.
Its an issue that you and your husband should seek to compromise on. Does he know how you feel and where you stand with your thoughts over the house key? Perhaps a key can be planted on your property and it will be there on your terms. That way you can grab the key when you want to run around your house naked. Does your SS have a cell fone? He could contact you or your husband before showing up.
Speaking of key.. the key is to approach your husband being as positive as you can seeing his dilemma here as you both put your heads together in making a decision that you both are comfortable with. That is my honest opinion.
Good luck
I hear what your saying. DH
I hear what your saying. DH and I each came into this marriage with one child. Mine lives with us full time and has a key to the house. SD lives with us half the time but does not. There are two reasons we won't give her a key: 1) she is notorious for losing stuff and 2) after all the shit we've been through with his EX we definately do not trust her. She would find some way to manipulate SD into getting into the house. SD hasn't asked for a key either and goes to school in another town. I think the decision depends entirely on an individuals situation so there is no easy answer.
Thank you all for commenting.
Thank you all for commenting. I appreciate all of your advice. I'm new to this forum and I'm glad that it exists. I feel guilt at times for harboring these feelings and I'm glad to talk to people who have been there or are going through the same issues.
i would let him keep the key
i would let him keep the key - but explain to him that with the key comes responsibility. he must call first - not just show up when he pleases. my fiance had a key to my place when we were dating. there were rules tho. lol
he couldnt just show up, he always had to call first. no "pop overs" - its not that i was cheating or doing anything wrong - but i like my privacy. i'd do the same with the kid
My SD16 lives with us and I
My SD16 lives with us and I won't let her have a key! I don't trust that BM won't get her hands on it and make a copy and break in when we are away.
I wouldn't like him having the key. If I know I won't be home I leave the key hidden somewhere and then I text her and let her know. Then I take it right back.
SD will be driving soon and this will definitely be a big issue.
If he won't take the key away from him maybe you can tell SS that he is not allowed to enter without texting you first to let you know he will be coming in.
Um, hes your fiances child?
Um, hes your fiances child? And you've been in his life 7 YEARS That should end it right there. ESPECIALLY since you say hes a good kid! Have a cup of cocoa with him and say hey, im uncumfy with a few things, can you please let me know before you come in incase I'm not appropriate? etc and so forth. Why make it a bigger deals then needs be? Why would you NOT want him feel comfortable coming to his paternal parents home, which should also be a root home system for him? Hell, my inlaws have keys..they know were practically bunnies and if they come in not knocking and no kids are home they are getting an unwanted eyefull and in our house we NEVER know when that is. Its just a matter of teaching him some dos and donts with a house key with others living in the home. I think this post saddened me a bit as a mum of 4, bios and "skids". I always want them to feel welcome home, they just need some common sense know how and its the adults in their lives job to teach them.
I think its thoughtless that
I think its thoughtless that he doesnt knock when coming over. My 10 year old dd knocks always on our bedroom door if its closed. She doesnt assume that she is always welcome wherever she wants in the house just because we love her. We've told my kids that if they dont knock they might see something they dont like. That was pretty much enough for them to learn to respect others privacy.
By the way MY kids who live with us dont have keys to the house. They are 15, 13, and the 10 year old above. There's really no need. My dh is retired. The only time they would need a key is if they somehow popped up unexpectedly in the middle of the day as your ss is doing. What is he doing there at those times?
Since he's a good kid you can
Since he's a good kid you can lay down the ground rules he must follow before using the key. Knocking loudly and once the door is open yelling "anyone home etc" before coming into the house proper. If he is in the home when someone arrives he is to loudly make his presence known. Tell him there are no second chances should he fail to do so and the key will be surrendered.
Tell him its possible he can be shot as a intruder if he fails to do so. Seriously - my kids and step-kids know that from the get go and boy did they make a racket before coming in unexpectedly.
Have your partner back you up on this story and if he questions your ownership of a gun the answer is "yes you were not told about it until now".
Then take the barrel of the gun and put it up you-know-who's rear end for not clearing this you first.
I would change my locks
Personally I am in the same boat. But, there's a huge difference SS20 moved out a few weeks ago. I do not trust him at all. When he lived with us things in my room were moved around. I never had proof to prove it was him. My kids social security cards were missing for a few weeks then boom they showed up on my closet shelf. My husband said I must didn't look thorougly, but I know I did. I actually mentioned to him tonight that I didn't want his son having a key. He didn't see a big deal about it because it's his son. I noticed one day he came by in the evening, I was going to open the door before he even knocked, but he never knocked. He had my house key in hand about to unlock my door. That's when I was irritated. I don't want anyone thinking they canjust come in my home whenver they feel like it. My orginal plan was to change the locks again, but when I saw he was about to unlock my door without knocking, I just lost all patience and got pissed. I didn't seem pissed when I mentioned it to my husband.I tried to sound as calm as possible. I'm starting to regret saying anything but I just do not want him having a key to a house that he doesn't even live in. Also, I plan to change all my house locks anyway, becasue he seems sneaky enough to have made copies. I plan to also get a security screen door. I know I sound horrible, but I have many reasons not to trust him. I always wished I would have put a camera in my room, so I can catch him and have proof, oh well
Skids have keys
because they now live here full time. Before that, no keys. SS17 will be going back to mummykins soon permanently once 18 and his key will be removed.
I would feel very uncomfortable with either of them having keys when they don't live in the house full time. I certainly won't want them stopping by unannounced. If they were my bio kids it would be different but they aren't so no keys!!!!
DH and I are installing a key
DH and I are installing a key pad lock for one of our doors. We can turn off and on the codes for each kid. Their codes will only be active after school in case they beat us home, and on the weekends they are with us. This also gives me the option of turning off DH's code if we are away on vacation. I do not want him giving DSD and DSS his code so that they can "hang out" while we are away from home. I love my stepchildren but I do not fully trust them. Not their faults; they were raised that way.