SD12 Caught with her BF
We found out last monday that SD12 was doing sexual things with her boyfriend when they were supposedly going on harmless walks on the beach. I made it very clear that i did not approve of her having a BF the second I found out and also that I did not think they should be allowed to go on these walks because I knew she would try things with her BF. DH is oblivious to the fact that she's the town hoochie and brushed off what I had to say. So when we found it on her FB I got to tell him and BM I told you so.
Discipling did not go like it should AT ALL. BM sympathized with SD when she said her BF hit her and made her. They got her a new cell phone# to keep her from talking to her BF, and that's pretty much it. DH didn't talk to her the night we found out and she went home the next morning, so it was 4 days later before he saw her again. When I asked if he had his talk with her yet he said she knows he's pissed and there's nothing else to say
I know the BM didn't rip her a new one like she should of cause she acts like they're friends and the BM has a sorted past (and present). I haven't seen her since monday night, but I intend to let her know what I think, what the kids at school will say, and what other parents will think of her because this won't stay a secret.
I know DH had her when he was 17 because BM tried to trap him, so he wasn't ready, but you'd think he'd have a little more sense to try to put a stop to her very, very, very unacceptable behavior! I let him know that if she continues her behavior and worsens that I will put an end to whatever relationship she has with our two children 1 and 2. If she gets pregnant, that's it, she will no longer be welcome in our home.
Any advice on how to get DH to see how important it is he really gets involved and ends this?
Ask him if he wants to start
Ask him if he wants to start supporting his grandkids too! Because if she's already acting out like this at age 12...sheesh!
I hear this kind of stuff
I hear this kind of stuff over and over again. And no matter how many times I hear it, I just can't wrap my brain around it.
When my girls were 12, they didn't have boyfriends. They would never have been allowed to go anywhere alone with a "boyfriend" even if they had one. And I don't think they had any interest is sex at all at that age.
My oldest daughter is 16. She went on her first real date about six months ago. She had her first real kiss when she was 16! And no, I'm not naive. My oldest is in college. And I have three teenagers living at home. Plus an eight year old. I don't know what parents expect when they fail to properly supervise their kids.
The blame for this falls on the parents.
Ca Ca - I would play scare
Ca Ca - I would play scare tactics with your SD. I would take her to babysit and have her watch shows on teen pregnancy. I would also show her some nasty pics of STD's.
There's a time and a place for sexual behavior... and 12 isn't it - anytime or anyplace.
I would ask her real serious questions - and not accusingly and not condescendingly.
You can handle this 3 ways...
Like DH and BM and not say much
Pissy and mean and alienate the kid
Or use this as an opportunity to open up a real dialogue on sex and what it's all about.
I have always told SD over here (she is 16 now but was starting to get very very sexually curious at 14) that as much as I want her to wait until she was at least 18 (like I did), that I know that things happen and we can't predict the real "when". And I gave her all of the standard reasons for waiting, and told her about my own experiences, etc. But, having said that... SD needed to make sure that she had her first time with someone that she wouldn't regret it with. Not some guy she just met. Not some guy who was pressuring her. Not just some kid who she thought was cute but a jerk. I told her that if she could really wait until she at least had a good head on her shoulders about the relationship she is in, and NEVER regret it, then she probably made the right decision.
Of course we went into the whole kids at school, and what boys want, etc. But again, in more of a "this is what I lived through way" as opposed to a lecture way.
You would think that's like giving a kid the go ahead. But really it's not. It made her think about the future in a way she did not before. Because I wasn't saying NO. I was saying "Ultimately, the choice will really be yours as you grow up, so be careful who you give that to, and think about it".
You really can turn this into a positive. But you can't jump down her throat when you do it.
PS - I also talked about birth control ... I think your SD is too young for female birth control (I don't think a doctor would prescribe it!), so the consequences need to be discussed as well.