SD becoming more of a brat than ever before and treats her dad disrespectful
I have been a SM for 8 years and have been in my SD life since she was 6. I also am a BM of 19 year old son, 17 year old son, and 6 year old daughter. I am getting very tired of dealing with my SD attitude towards her dad (and me) and do not like the way he (we) get treated sometimes. We are always supportive of her and all of her activities, unlike her BM, who rarely even goes to her softball games. She acts decent until her BM shows up and then her sassy attitude starts coming out. I'm about to stop going to ALL of her activities because I feel like she is so unappreciative of what we do for her. Her mom won't let her drive her car for drivers permit stage because of insurance reasons (dont think she has any) and so the only vehicle she can drive is mine. I spend so much time trying to help her and I don't think that anything I do really matters. I'm feeling very DONE. I care about her very much but I think she fakes her niceness to "get things" that her BM won't provide for her. I take her shopping, let her drive my car, sign her up for things at school (BM won't do it) I just recently stopped making appointments (dental, doctor) because they would be "no shows" plus I think its BM job anyway...she just doesn't do it. I feel bad but I think I need to let this go and let them (SD and BM) figure it out and quit enabling BM to be a lazy, irrisponsible mother. SD dad (my husband) can't always do these things because he works full time and travels with his job. Any thoughts on how to deal with an unappreciative SD who has her head up her BM A*# ? SD thinks its funny and calls her BM by her first name...they are more like buddies...her BM is a "buddy" not a "parent" Should I give up and let her go down the loser path likeher BM? Or should I keep trying to help her?
SD is now 15 BTW
SD is now 15 BTW
I've been on both sides of
I've been on both sides of your drama...as the unappreciated SM and as the unappreciative teenage SD. My stepmother detached from me because I was such an angry brat. And, it really hurt. My BD didn't step up to the plate and my mother was deceased. I was very damaged by the ensuing dynamics of the household. I spent 15 years on and off in therapy as an adult. I wish my stepmother had not given up on me. And my stepmother (now 67) wishes the same.
In true karmic justice, I ended up with an unappreciative SD16 living with me full time. I wish I could say that I was a warm & loving SM all the time. I misplaced a lot of anger by holding it against her when, in fact, it was her BD's failure (my ex) to parent that was the cause. I wish I had handled it differently.
I wish I could provide a magic answer. All I can say is listen to your heart.
SD lives with you and her BD
SD lives with you and her BD (divorced from you now) is living someplace else. Where's BM? and why doesn't SD live with her?
This situation went down
This situation went down 11years ago while I was married to her Dad. SD is now 27 and she lives with her fiancé currently. At the time, BM lived out of state and had kicked SD out of her house which is how she ended up moving in with us. We got the call on a Tuesday and she arrived on a flight Friday night.
We lived together for a year until I couldn't take it any more. We were all in individual and couples counseling during that time. My ex couldn't get past being a guilty dad and still thought of his daughter as a girl and not a full-fledged teenager. I moved out after a year into a cabin and lived there until SD turned 18 and went to college. I moved back home - and, in retrospect, I never should have come back. The relationship was too damaged by that point.
Thanks for the response. It
Thanks for the response. It is helpful to get a different perspective and I do really care. I think maybe I need to sit down and talk with her about how I am feeling and see what she has to say. I just get tired of her getting so defensive of her BM when there is no reason to get defensive...Maybe she knows the truth (BM not very smart, bad choices) and that is why she gets so defensive. I don't ever tell her that though. I guess if she isn't my biggest fan right now that is okay if it potentially directs her in a better life path...SD is only here right now on the weekends because of where we live and BM lives (school reasons) She used to be with us during the week and on an equal time until we moved last DEC.
All of what you explained
All of what you explained would make me disengage and leave her to her own devices (and to DH's) when she is at my home.
I would say that from my
I would say that from my experience with SD10 and evil BM, it is very typical SD behavior.
Our BM is a total loser. She's dumb as rock, totally ghetto, angry, bitter, immature, you name it, she is it. DH has been trying to run from her from the start. SD is actually a very sweet girl at heart, but the damage that her mom is doing is starting to show.
The bond between a BM and her child is very strong, especially if the child is a daughter. Because she loves her mom unconditionally, she wants the best for her and from her and may never stop hoping for it. My SD10 KNOWS her mom is a loser and I believe it hurts her very much. She wants her mom to be happy so badly. She has told me many times that she is happy that her dad is happy, but sad that her mom is not. We believe she is trying to do what she can to help her mom. She will defend her, lie for her, stand up for her, everything. Everytime her mom lets her down, by doing something stupid or immature, it hurts her very much. Still, I think that she feels if no one will help her mom or be there for her, then she will.
I have never said anything negative about her mom in front of her or to her. (My DH gets an earful though) I believe it has worked to our advantage because if I did say anything negative, she would just get defensive and would turn from us. Instead, I try to just be there for her. Honestly, sometimes I want to cry for her because none of this is her fault and I can't imagine having such a shitty mom. My own mom is great, there is no comparison.
Anyway, that being said, there is no reason to allow disrespect in your home. Give consequences for the negative behavior but keep in mind where your SD is coming from. You first need complete support from your DH or none of this will work. He has to stand up and say he will not allow the bad behavior too. Also, some of her other behavior sounds like just plain typical behavior such as the small manipulations. I remember being extra "nice" to my mom when I wanted something from her. I never appreciated my parents until I became a mother myself. Thats just how it goes when you are a parent step-mom or bio-mom, you probably are just more sensitive to not being appreciated by your SD than your own bio-kids, KWIM? I know I was a brat and my mom was a great mom and my parents are still married!
Great response! Thanks for
Great response! Thanks for the insight...I just think teenagers are tough to deal with...my 19 year old son is in college now and seems to have "seen the light" on some things regarding his BF which I didn't think he would see for quite some time. My 17 year old son I know still depends on his BF for so much ($) that he is afraid to disappoint him. He will see the light also one of these days. I am happy that my SD isn't here as much anymore because I think we would butt heads and so the little time she is here I just "deal" with it(every other weekend) during the summer she was here every weekend because we took her to her softball tournaments. I always feel like I can breathe again after she leaves...really sad but true. When SD is here it seems like the world revolves around what she has planned. Anyway...thanks for sharing your ideas and thoughts.
Nothing beats finding some
Nothing beats finding some useful information, for my research, keep em coming.
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