SD and BM destroying DH
Background - DH and I have been together for 15 years, 3 children together and SD almost 17.
We’ve had a good relationship with SD, she’s close to the younger kids. She’s with us every other weekend and she comes away with us during holidays. she has her own room at our house so she can come and go as she pleases. BM is generally ok, but why wouldn’t she be with getting a huge maintenance payment that DH could have reduced when our children came along, but left it as he didn’t want to rock the boat.
Then out of the blue 3 months ago SD announced she was changing her surname to her stepdads! DH was devastated. He tried not to show his hurt to SD and they had conversations about her reasons, also his reasons he didn’t want her to and talked about consequences of her decisions, and being responsible for your actions. DH spoke to BM who said it had nothing to do with her. SD went ahead and did it anyway, broke his heart and soon after he fell apart. He was signed off work, sent to a psychologist and diagnosed with anxiety and severe depression. SD hasn’t been to our house since.
DH is getting better, but takes steps back every time he does hear from BM of SD. he messages SD often without reply. Or he gets one word answers. Has emailed her numerous times giving her an out and saying we will put it all behind us and move on. She finally replied to a txt yesterday after he asked her to come to a family BBQ to which she replied - I’m not coming, you all have strong opinions of me and it’s not fair, I won’t be coming to your house anymore, it took you too long to reply to my last txt, I’m upset with you and I need time to heal. Arghhh, so she’s made a decision that has hurt a lot of people and it’s our fault! BM is driving this I’m certain. I’ve decided for my own sanity that I have to pretend they don’t exist to me anymore. But it’s destroying DH. the younger kids are suffering as their dad isn’t mentally here, he’s got a short temper and shouts a lot. I don’t know what to do to fix this.
I’ve done a lot of reading of the blogs and forums, and books and websites on the psychology of teenage girls. I’ve come to the conclusion this is normal teenage behaviour. Selfishness, immaturity, believing you are always right. BM isn’t putting boundaries in place so SD is making these huge decisions with no guidance.
Anyway, DH responded saying he’s shocked and hurt, he won’t take the blame for what’s going on, he loves her and will be here when she’s ready to see him again. To which she responded with a demand for him to meet her and BM on Sat at a fixed time and location to discuss. Also that the emails are getting them nowhere. Funny as she hasn’t responded to a single email!
My instinct is that he should decline for now. His mental health is not great at the moment due to all of this. He would be walking in to the lions den. He on the other hand thinks BM will sit back and say nothing while SD apologies and everything will be fine.
what do I do? Do I tell him not to go an potentially cause problems with us? Are we the ones in the wrong? Do I let him go and potentially have his recovery set back months?
He thinks the meeting at the
He thinks the meeting at the park with BM and SD is for SD to apologize? Did I read that correctly?
That is NOT what is going to happen. My guess is SD will tear him to shreds with made up nonsense while BM sits there smiling and agreeing. Then will come a rediculous list of "demands" from SD.
Your husband should NOT agree to this meeting. Why can't SD and your husband meet without BM?
You are thinking exactly what I’m thinking
yip, unfortunately you read correctly. He can’t see his little girl is turning in to her narcissistic mother. If I say don’t go, I’m worried he would resent me for holding him back from a potential apology.
All his previous messages to SD have been asking to come to family get together, or go for a walk, or can he collect her from college so they can have a talk. No response. SD needs her mother to fight her corner.
Oh this seems very much like
Oh this seems very much like my situation. It's treading carefully as this is DH's daughter but of course you are hurting seeing how BM and SD actions are creating a ripple effect in your home. I think he should decline to meet SD and BM together, SD is almost 17 she is old enough to have a conversation with her father alone and without the interference of BM. As someone else has said before, "we don't negotiate with terriorist" and BM and SD teaming up to "get their way" isn't going to play out well. I have a lot of say/influence with my DH so I am able to speak to him in a way that is frank but caring. Depending on you handle things I say tell him to agree to meet his daughter but BM needs to stay the hell out of it, if they cannot respect that then oh well.
Maybe I did not understand
Maybe I did not understand but you said he "was signed off work." Does that mean he is no longer working because of this issue? And that he is not present for the younger kids? Essentially he has ceased to function as an adult member of your household? How long has this reaction been going on?
I’m in the UK
I sent DH to the doctors and they decided he wasn’t fit for work, so they issue a letter to the employer saying he can’t work. Yes, due to all of this. He was off work for almost a month, seeing a psychologist twice a week during that period, and returned to work when the younger kids school holidays started. He didn’t want them to see him the way he was. Literally a shell of himself. BM knows an doesn’t care.
I don't mean
I don't mean to sound unsympathetic because what SD and probably BM are doing is obviously cruel but his reaction is so out-sized that I would suspect an underlying issue with your DH. People are mean and nasty all the time but you still have to function in life. Not being able to work or take care of children because a teenager is being a rotten jerk, as teenagers often are, is not normal. If everyone whose teen caused them grief simply shut down like that, I shudder to think what would happen. I would be incredibly pissed off and absolutely refuse to enable him to continue acting like a teenager himself.
I'm confused - do you "let
I'm confused - do you "let him go"? Isn't it his decision?
"Let him" decide for himself how he handles this situation. Give your advice if asked and then step back and let him decide.
not kidding.
Unfortunately this is how things are at the moment. This isn’t normal behaviour in our home. Which is why I have no idea how to proceed. He is a shell of himself.
I know you may not have been
I know you may not have been present, but I would be curious what went on in those initial conversation(s) when she told him she wanted to change her last name.
What were her reasons for doing it?
What reason did he give HER for not wanting her to do it?
What consequences did he say would happen if she moved forward with it?
My gut feeling is that those earlier conversations didn't go well. In fact, I also kind of gather that he probably discussed this with you and you also had some strong opinions on what he should say to her. Maybe in all of that, he was so hurt that he did lash out at her or give her some sort of ultimatum.
It is also very possible that because he had 3 more kids "full time" with you.. and she was only his daughter every other weekend that she felt she relied on her stepfather much more as the paternal role. Now, obviously that doesn't require a name change.. but it wouldn't be the first time that a BM might encourage something like this.
So, how does he deal with it? We can not control other people, only our reactions. He needs to learn how to get past this issue with his daughter and I'm sure in her mind "holding a grudge" about it. She is almost an adult. so I think that if she was old enough to make this kind of decision.. she is old enough to have a conversation with him without her mother present... but you say he is shouting etc.. maybe THAT kind of behavior is what she is afraid of?
I'm also not clear why he's
I'm also not clear why he's completely falling apart about this issue either.
sorry, I was trying to keep it short
after SD told DH she had changed her name (at 16 she doesn’t need parental consent) she then sat down with the younger kids to explain her reasons. She had asked to do this. The 2 older kids were really upset. Asked her if daddy was still her daddy and has she scratched his name off her birth certificate. Everyone was upset really. SD went home and BM rang DH and lost the plot because SD was upset. BM was blaming him for leaving them all those years ago, saying that was why this was happening. Shouting out all kinds of lies I guess in an attempt to make SD less upset.
"Shouting out all kinds of
"Shouting out all kinds of lies I guess in an attempt to make SD less upset"
No. BM had waited for that day forever, it was her fantasy come true. She wanted to say all those things to DH. She's been saying them to SD for years. You have a vindictive Parental Alienator on your hands. She relished hurting him, and so did SD. That's what this is all about.
SD may come around, she may not. But meeting with BM will give DH even more trauma to deal with. She's looking forward to telling him off again.
There is 0% chance a meeting with BM will go well for DH.
Yup. DH should just let SD
Yup. DH should just let SD know he loves her no matter what her last name is, and give her space. Don't fall for BM's control games.
This is so strange
DH should have just told her, we do not use last names in the house, lets not make a big deal about it.
Very sorry
Catch your breath. I get it, he upset about the name. But does his ex use her DHs name? Is this about her wanting the same name as her mom and SF? If mom uses hyphenated name, could she use mom's maiden name? Where I live, kids would not be able to change last name without both parents consent.
If all she wants to do is change name, I think he has over-reacted. I think falling apart over it is indicative of other mental health issues, and I am glad he is getting help.
I agree, she is not going to apologize.
In my attempt to keep this short some info
Yes DH and I discussed what he was going to talk to her about prior. He spoke to her in our house but in a separate lounge, I couldn’t hear but would have heard any raised voices. Her reason was she wanted to have the same name as her mum. Her passport needed renewing and seemed like a good time to do it. DH said he understands that but is that a big enough reason to upset so many people. She was actually fine with it and he asked her to do a pros and cons list which she said she was happy to, but never happened. He felt rejected, so a lot of his talk was if she’s feels let down about anything we’ve done. That he’s done everything he can to provide for her. She didn’t know he financially supports her at all! BM wasn’t happy that came up.
by consequences I mean emotional ones. Like does she realise the younger kids will be upset and may have questions, does she realise her decision with hurt DH and her grandparents. Nothing material like taking things away.
All the people upset?
But what about what she wants? Do the younger kids even care what her last name is? Is DH creating drama?
She’s 17 and never realized
She’s 17 and never realized that her father paid child support? Thinking mommy paid for everything? That’s messed up. At some point kids should know that both parents support them. How much more child support will your DH be paying? What about college?
My husbands exwife tried to pull similar crap
She kidnapped the 2 daughters for almost 6 yrs and Then had the nerve after the massive alienation to coax eldest sd into meeting hubby at exwifes home. Hubby has never wanted to be in her presence since he made decision to divorce her.
what you will find is sd will justify things with the most pathetic ridiculous petty excuses and everything is hubbys fault. If he questioned her logically with facts she would repeat the crap bio mum had convinced and brainwashed her about
My heart breaks for the other
My heart breaks for the other two kids he has with OP that are being impacted by their fathers depression. Does he not see what this is doing to them, you, the entire family? I can sympathize for his situation that his daugher wants to change her last name but I feel there is something more going on. He can't allow this to over take his entire life so much that he can't work and not be present to both you and his other children. Where does the craziness end........At the end of the day its up to him whether he'll meet up with his daughter and BM but I hope he doesn't......Nothing will change and he will come from this meeting more of a broken man than he already is.
He needs to focus on his mental wellness and getting back on track for you and his other children. I feel for you as I'm sure you feel helpless but he's going to have to want to heal and move on from this.
Sorry this was my first post
I prob should have given a bit more information to start.
We live in the UK, SD finished high school (up to 5th form) last year and currently is about to finish her first year at college 2 days a week. Not university. That would be at 18. She won’t be going to university, she hasn’t got the grades to apply but never wanted to anyway. Her education at the moment is free. Maintenance will end when she turns 18.
At 16 kids are legally allowed to change their name. Just an online form, send your birth certificate in and pay a fee.
BM kept DH’s surname until she remarried about 7 years ago, then changed to new husbands.
yes, you read that right. She had no clue DH paid maintenance. Total shock to us. DH also supported BM financially until she found a new partner, and gave her the proceeds of the sale of his house he had before they married. So she probably has no idea the house she currently lives in was half paid for by DH. SD has always had the same as the younger kids at Christmas and birthdays, and we pay for everything when she’s with us, so she’s never had a reason to question us. I have a feeling BM implied her new husband paid everything to get SD to respect him. SD has often brought new iPad or phones over and tells the kids her step dad bought them. If that is actually the case, hopefully BM has a bank full of money saved!p for her!
SD has often brought new iPad
SD has often brought new iPad or phones over and tells the kids her step dad bought them. If that is actually the case, hopefully BM has a bank full of money saved!p for her!
That new iPad or phones were probably bought by the Child Support your H pays religiously.....just saying. SD should know what her father contributes and that she is loved regardless of what last name she chooses. If BM influenced this in anyway that is real sh!tty of her as a mother.
In the US a 17yo can't change
In the US a 17yo can't change their last name without the permission of their parents. We discussed it and the Spermidiot and SpermClan blew a gasket when we discussed adoption when SS-26 was a minor.
So... he asked me to adopt him when he was 22. We made that happen. By then, the SpermClan could say nothing about it nore did they try to talk him out of it. Unlike your DH, my SS's BioDad and the SpermClan were little more than manipulative whining toothless morons that dumped all of their multigenerational failure crap on SS claiming having to pay CS to his mom is why they are all abject failures in life. Your SD needs the facts regarding the level of support and participation that your DH has provided in her life. The good news is.. that bares BM's ass and highlights how she has failed SD.
Enjoy turning on the lights for SD. You and DH should find it to be very interesting and SD should find it very enlightening.
Good luck.
As for the meeting.. these two genetically polluted harpies are setting him up big time. They know he is in a difficult place currently and they are going to shred him. I hope I am wrong... but don't think that I am.
Time for DH to find his man sack and put them both in their place. If I were him, I would inform SD that I will meet her as she requested but it will be just the two of them. No BM. If SD backs out... that confirms the bullshit they were planning to put him through.
As Siempre... said above.. it is time for SD to get the comprehensive spreadsheet of every penny of support DH has provided for her and for BM over the years. Complete with referrence to his paying for much of the home she and BM live in with her husband. Every..... single.... penny paid in support and any other resource injections that flowed from your household to BM/SD over the years.
Kids need clarity, they need the facts, and they need to understand how the toxic blended family opposition has polluted them with bullshit over the years. Facts are the only way to do that effectively and key to preparing the Skids to protect themselves from the manipulative crap as adults. So.... put the facts together and prep DH to provide a blow by blow, blood and guts review of the facts, the finances, and any other fact that provides clarity this kid.