Reaching the Breaking Point
I have a 15y/o SD who was 11 when her dad and I met, we have since married. I am so thoroughly tired of dealing with her that I actively find reasons to stay away when she is around. She views me as competetion and some of her behaviors are a little disturbing. My husband and I have a habit that I will lay a pillow on his side and lay with my head essentially in his lap. She has some idea that she can exhibit the same behaviors and I have come home to find her laying on her dad this way. I find it highly inappropriate and so do others who have witnessed it but my husband doesn't think anything of it.
Of course she doesn't bathe, she smells so bad that after she gets out of the car I can still smell her, and she doesn't brush her teeth daily. I have kept track, she has had the same bottle of body wash since February 1st 2008 (it's two years old!) and the amount in the bottle has never gone down. Her hair is disgusting because she never washes it properly and there are huge dandruff flakes in it. Her bathing habits are so poor that people have noticed an odor about her and commented on it. My mother had to share a room with her while we were on vacation this last summer and my SD was so unclean and did such disgusting things that my mom refuses to talk about them because it makes her physically ill. Moreover, she is obese and all she ever talks about is food and shopping. The kid has been to more restaraunts and retail stores in the last year than I have in all my years on this planet.
She is a constant negative force, she never says anything nice about anyone or anything, even strangers on the street aren't safe from her judgements. She has no friends, and when she makes one, they end up dumping her because she is so judgemental. She has an overwhelming need to contradict, argue, have the last word or try to make me look stupid everytime I speak. I am a doctor for God's sake and I have an IQ in the 90th percentile. I am not stupid and I am definitely smarter than 15 year old. She has this sense of entitlement that really angers me. She expects Coach and Tiffany because I have them, she has no concept that I work very very hard to earn those things. She expects a new car when she turns 16 and says instead of a present she wants to go to Spain for her 16th birthday and fully expects to get it because she said she wanted it.
To keep the peace in the house I usually just ignore her comments, I don't ask her to do anything (because if I do, I am mean and bossy), she helps herself to anything of mine she wants to use, she pouts when she can't have her way and she spews negativity. I have ignored this stuff for years in effort to keep the peace but now I just can't take any more of it, I hate being home when she is over. This last weekend though it really started to boil over for me, she literally never shut up from 4pm when I got home until 10pm when we called it a night, every time I spoke she had some negative or snide comment, she criticized everyone and everything negatively and she kept interrupting during the few times I spoke.
I have tried on many occassions to address these issues with my husband however he immediately jumps on the defensive. It turns into a fight where I am the bad guy. He refuses to accept that he and his kid do anything negative or that she has any problems. He says that I "need to let go of my family's views on raising children" or "You don't have your own child so you don't know what your talking about." I may not have my own kid but I do know what kids are like and go through during a divorce, I am a doctor of psychology and I am a child of divorce. I just really feel like I have nobody on my side and nowhere to turn. I love him so much, he is my favorite person in the world but I have thought of leaving him just so that I don't have to live like this anymore.
I just wish I knew what to do...
Oh my. I wish I knew what
Oh my. I wish I knew what to say. I almost got stuck on the body wash part but I willed myself to read the rest. She sounds positively horrid. And the worst part is, it isn't her fault. It is her father's fault!!! Nothing angers me more than "You don't have your own child so you don't know what you're talking about". Not being a mother does not make you STUPID. WTF? You have a doctor of psychology and he thinks you don't know about the ill effects of her negativity. I am an accountant and I could tell him that allowing her to behave in such a matter not only affects those around her, but affects HER!! What happens to her when daddy isn't around to baby her anymore and she can't form any relationships? I hope to God that you are not going to allow your dh to use your hard earned money to buy her a car OR send her to Spain. She needs a reality check.
"God is great, beer is good, and people are crazy" and you can't change crazy!!
If she tries to push your
If she tries to push your buttons, let her have it, tell her the truth, it will hurt her but apperently she needs to hear it!
The problem is with your
The problem is with your husband and his lack of "showing" an example.
Nothing is your fault, per se.
My suggestion is to have a very long talk with hubby in regards to SD.
Good Luck and always respect yourself!
Yes, I agree with all of the
Yes, I agree with all of the above. This situation is intolerable. Your husband needs to get his act together. You live in the house and contribute to this brat's support and not only is this bad for you, it's actually bad for the brat. The hygiene thing is disgusting and not taking care of yourself is a giant red flag that she has a serious psychological problem. I think you are more qualified to raise a child than most biological mothers. Does your husband seriously think that because his sperm fertilized an egg that it means he magically knows how to parent? You actually have bona fida training and education in this kind of thing and I think it's awesome that you earned a doctorate! I'm sure you have studied child and teen development and psychology and I'm sure you know exactly what you're talking about when it comes to your SD. Your husband is disrespecting you as a person, a parent (yes, step-parents are parents-just because we didn't push a baby out doesn't mean we aren't parents. Are adoptive parents incompetent because they didn't physically give birth to a baby? Your husband's logic is ridiculous and incorrect) and as a highly trained professional.
Your husband needs to realize that his daughters behavior and lack of basic hygiene affect you too and that basic standards of behavior need to be established and enforced. The big problem right now is that your husband isn't taking you seriously and respecting your feelings and opinions. He has raised a daughter that has the hygiene of a homeless person and I don't understand how he can possibly be okay with that?! Her behavior is also completely inappropriate and unacceptable. Not only is she rude to others, but to you, a parent and provider. You have to be respected in your own home and your husband is failing in his job of showing you the respect and thoughtfulness that you deserve and he is also failing his daughter. It doesn't help her to let her get away with being rude and filthy. He isn't teaching her the skills she will need to make it in her adult life and she will end up not being able to get a good education and/or job and her personal life will be a complete disaster. Last time I checked, your average guy is not enthusiastic about kissing the mouth of someone whose teeth are slimy and whose breath smells like a toilet. This girl clearly has some pretty serious psychological problems and needs a psychiatric intervention, in my opinion.
Again, you are absolutely not the problem. The problem is your husbands and if he loves you and really loves his daughter, he will shape up and be the dad he should be. At the moment, he is failing his obligations to the two women in his life who should be the most important to him. I wouldn't put up with this for a second and if it was me, I would sit down with him and explain all of this and how you feel and think. He needs to know how strongly you feel about this and if he blows you off or disrespects your feelings and thoughts or continues to not take you seriously, you should seriously reconsider this relationship and figure out how much crap you are willing to put up with. If my husband blew off my opinions and let his kids disrespect me, I would put my foot down and give him an ultimatum. I am too valuable and too much of a catch to allow anyone to disrespect me and place me third or fourth down on a list of priorities. My H has made it extremely clear to my skids that if they don't show me the respect I deserve and if they challenge my authority, they are also disrespecting him and his authority and we are a united front and back each other up 100%. We have an agreement that no matter what, we back each other up when it comes to discipline and if we have an issue with each other, such as being too harsh or too easygoing, we discuss it privately and not in front of the skids. My situation is easier than yours in a way because my skids are still very young and they learned to respect me early on and they are still young enough to form them into polite, clean people. Teenagers are harder, but your husband really needs to pull it together and be a better dad and husband. You deserve the best and deserve to be treated with the respect and thoughtfulness that every wife is entitled to.
Keep us posted on how things go with this heinous brat. We all support you and think you're doing great and that this isn't your fault at all!
"If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they will kill you." ~Oscar Wilde
Hi, Yes I contribute to the
Hi,
Yes I contribute to the brat's wellbeing and physical needs that is for sure. This is truly not her fault as many of you have said, it is her dad's for not being more forceful with rules and her BM's for constantly trying to buy her affection. Her dad is afraid of losing her, plain and simple so I try to be understanding of that. And the fact that the kid's idealic little world was turned upside down by the divorce, followed by her mother's unplanned pregnancy and subsequent shotgun wedding to a guy the poor child had never met before. Granted that is a lot to absorb but it has been almost 5 years ago now, she has been to counseling and she can't keep using the same excuses as a reason for being unbearable.
Her father is paralyzed by fear that she will not see him anymore or quit calling (even though she never really calls him anyway). As a result he never says a single critical word to her even if it is constructive, like hey sweetie you really need to use some soap. I remember when I was about 8 my dad told me I needed to use deoderant, it stuck and I have never missed a day since and I am now 33.
It is a really sticky situation and I don't want to give an ultimatum. I think I have to as leaving has been consuming my thoughts recently. It seems easier for my DH to treat me like crap because he knows I won't leave him than deal with the very real disciplinary, emotional and physical problems of his kid. The obesity, manipulative attitude, negativity, defiance to authority and lack of hygeiene are all signs of adolescent stress. Of course how would I know, I just have that doctorate degree and all, no kids! I have never in our entire time together had his support when it comes to my SD. It is a real point of contention for me but he is VERY content to bury it out of fear of upsetting and thus losing his daughter. Honestly I think that she has him right where she wants him. Her behavior is horrible, she calls him names, kicks him, once she a threw a water bottle at him in front of guests. It is all just a display of her underlying hostility. Of course, again, I haven't pushed my own kid out so how would I know, right?
I will keep you all posted.