Partner ready to leave
My partners daughter is 14 and rules this house by bullying, lying, and mnaipulative behaviour. She recently called me a "Creep and a Rapist" when she was extremely mad at me. (She was gounded by her mother for being really rude to me over the previous 4 months) So I don't want to be left alone in the house overnight with her anymore. I have asked for counciling to resolve these issues but my parter has issues in making her go. She also has issues on holding the 14 y/o accountable. It's maddening to be treated with so much disrespect and have no support from your partner. Her and i have gone to lots of counciling but no suggestions are ever followed through on. If any tension is in the house I seem to be blamed for it even if i am in my Man cave staying out of it. My step daughter has told us calmly many times that she will drive us apart and break us up. Today we sat down to discuss our situation with both our daughters (13, 14 y/o) We tried to discuss the issues and that their mom has decided to move out due to the tension. The 14 y/o was so unemoitional about it that it seemed socipathic. Now i sit here watching my partner wanting to leave due to the unbeleivable behaviour of a 14 y/o feeling completely disempowered. I'm the only one that really want to work on things with counciling. It's really sad as thing are fun round here when it's just the two of us or when it's just the 13 y/o around. Now things are unravling fast and the 14 y/o is watching what she said she would do happen.
My partner and i got along so well dating with so much in common with our likes and dislikes, our hobbies and ect.. Their real father is a violent angry man. We took the oldest girl back from him due to him getting violent with her so she moved in with us after aa year. Things went downhill fast with major anger episodes, threats to kill herself ect..ect.. (did i mention she is also a straight A student)
We first moved in together with her youngest daughter who gets along with me quite well. This has changed a little in the last few months from her sisters influence. Whenever the 3 of us are alone we have fun, but as soon as the oldest comes home you can cut the tesnion with a knife. My partner fights with her a lot and i stay out of it. Whe she works nights I try to stay away and stay downstairs in my cave. When things get out of hand I try to speak calmly and and ask them to stop it. this is where things can get bad as the 14 y/o becomes very rude to me. The last time (she was grounded by her mom) i sent her to her room for being mean and rude to me. This is where she made the "creep and rape" comments. That was in November. She wrote me an apology letter but i was concerned that her and her freinds were talking aobut me like this. I said i did not want to be alone with her until we could discuss these comments in councling. She did go to counciling but i was excluded. The 14 y/o refuses to speak to me or discuss this with anyone which leave me in a pretty vulnerble posistion.
I asked my partner for counciling for us but as of last night she said she ahs made her mide up to move out for her daughters and to get herself straightened out due to all the stress.
Man do i feel manipulated and unmanned. There is no way i am able to encapture what is going on here by this but this is my vent ov hopelessness.
Thanks for listnening.
Sorry about the typo's. I'm a
Sorry about the typo's. I'm a little emotional.
Dude! i feel for ya. my ss
Dude! i feel for ya.
my ss (16yr old )is very manipulative and goes out of his way to make me and his dad feel guilty (which i dont feel anymore)
he goes out of his way to start arguemnts he follows me around the house and is "at" me constantly trying to push my buttons. i give him non emotional responses however, sometimes he can be such a (and i apologise for my language) prick. a manipulative prick
the 16 yr ol ss demands that i do his washing, demands me to do stuff for him and if i dont he chucks a tantrum. its quite funny realy, but i get so angry with him to. i dont want to live with him anymore, but he doesnt want to go to his mothers.
can i suggest a book to read? (if yer like to read that is ;))
raising girls and also the author Micheal Grigg writes a great book called surviving adolscents. at this age as in oyur case your 14 yr old they can be such bitches. she does want her way and will strive till she gets the outcome she wants even though she is hurting the people she loves.
your doing the right thing staying out of the other arguments.
has the mother tried to change her tactics? Suggest the mum doesnt get involved in the argument in the first place?
maybe even ignore the 14yr old for once? ok the 14 yr old will storm off (i presume) a few times but its all attention seeking. negative attention seeking. also suggest (when the 14 yr old goes off) that you dont understand them when they are talking that way and literally turn your back on her. you may have a few tanties to start off with but, after a few days the novelty of arguing will wear off. dont add fuel to the fire.
the 14yr old has a lot going on. try and think from her point of view. her dad is viol;ent? that has a huge impact on teenagers, she obviously cant deal with stuff thats going on through her head.
what issues does your partner have for getting help for her daughter? she needs to step up to the plate and deal with these issues before they get out of hand which they are already heading that way. maybe your partner has issues in dealing with emotions too?
you and your partner have been through so much its a shame to see it end now. especially if you have so much in common.. maybe try start from the beginning, appreicate everything you both do for each other. go out on dates. take the stress out, it doesnt have to be a stressfull place. make changes , take charge of the situations. be HAPPY!
i hope you can work it out
i am at my wits end too but im going to try and stick it out.
are you happy? its hard being blamed for everything.
take care
Thanks for the reply. Yes my
Thanks for the reply.
Yes my partner and I have a lot invested here. This is not the first time the leaving subject has come up. I have 23 yeears experience working with troubled adolesents and know all the tricks and and responces and games. Of course i am unable myself to deal with it due to being the SF. At first my partner came to me readily for advice, but had trouble following through. She herself had a pretty abusive back ground and some abandonment and abuse issues. I even gave her some excellent resourses on treating adolesont behaviour. Unfortunately my partner never follows through with it and the circle goes around and around.
I am happy at times and love our alone time together:) When the step beast comes home everything changes in the house. She even once told a counciller that she knew i cared for her. This last thing is a hard one for her to get over though. I believe myself that she is too embarrassed to deal with it. She got angry and said things that are hard to face. It's easier for her to stay angry to justify her actions. Unless Mom steps up and forces her to seek therapy for her anger she will remain angry. Unless Mom makes her sit with me and forces her to deal with what the position she put herslef in she will keep at it.
I want to keep trying but now my Partner thinks it may be esier to leave.
I feel shitty.
The Father was and is
The Father was and is violent. He was charged with sexual assault and aggravated assault against my Partner. He choked her out with a knife to her throat and sexually abused her. This was the end of their relationship 9 yeras ago. Of course our justice system let him off real easy. To make matters worse is she let him back in the kids lives. He has not seen them for 2 years as they are scared of him.
My Partner and i started out very good and things were pretty good until the oldest moved back in. Soon her violent outbursts became too much and i hade to step into some situations. I once stopped her from running away with bare feet and a t-shirt at -25 cel. Stopped her from assaulting her sister one time and her mother another time. She told one of her friends parents that I was violent to her mom. I mean the list goes one.
She is brilliant in school and has good friends but at home it's like a devil has come out of thin air and taken her soul. It's like she has serious sociopathic tendacies at home. She is utterly lacking any emotions for causing pain to her Mom or Sister. I get it with me but....
Anyways Mom has decided to move out. I'm hurt and trying to deal with my thoughts and negative energy, but it's hard. I poured everything into making this work and feel so helpless to what this girl has accomplished with her Mother. I mean she actually told us many times she would do whatever it took to break us up!
Well it's my house in my name
Well it's my house in my name so i'm staying. Unfortunately for me finacially I am in a bit of a mess right now and i'm on Lont Term diabilty due to stress issues at home and at work. My pay is down about 1000 a month right now and, well this is very difficult emotionally on top of my regular issues my partner i love is leaving me.
Did I say i'm a mess emotionally also? This is hitting me pretty hard. I lost a lot in a previous marraiage and thought i was rebuilding equity to an early retirement. My work site will not take me back due to some sick time and personality issues. Currently my doctor will not let me work! I feel pretty alone and abandoned
I think the best thing is for
I think the best thing is for her to leave and for you to learn to be dependent on yourself. You should go to the counselor on your own and fix your own issues. Once you have become whole yourself you will have an easier time dealing with someone else's issues. I know you like or even love your other half but it seems to me like you are leaning on each other in other unhealthy ways also ...You need her financially. You need her emotionally because you are feeling depressed (you lost in another marriage and don't want to fail again and may not be comfortable alone--it's ok to fail and ok to be alone sometimes). Also, a large part of your depression is probably due to this family conflict you are going through. So all in, if you were a stronger person you may be able to handle her issues and yours. I think a break is a good thing. Get your life back on track (job, financials, etc.) if she is still around after a while then maybe you can try again and if it's meant to be, it will. If she is coming from a previously abusive marriage then she will know what she lost. If she moves out and has her 14yo, one of two things are likely to happen and both could be in your favor:
1) The 14yo misbehaves still, her mother will see the her attitude in a different light on her own that she may not have been able to see with you there and then finally the blame will happen. Eventually, her mother will feel remorse for not siding with you.
2) The 14yo becomes a better person and she and her mother form a bond that they never had. This will allow her mother to regain control of the situation.
Hopefully it all works out, hang in there and BE STRONG!!!!
Thanks you Everyone for all
Thanks you Everyone for all your comments. I am currently doing independant counselling and trying midfullness. Tonight i find out both girls want to leave and are very unhappy here :jawdrop: They are both telling their mom to leave me?
It's quite strange to me in my life to see this much control for a 13 and 14 y/o to have over an adult (Mom). I know i'm not in control of what happens and only myself, still it's hard to go through all this again
We own two houses and we were trying to sell one and move her Mom and grandma close to us to give the girls breathing space when needed. Of course the house is on a slow market so we have been waiting. Anyways like i said i am only in control of my own things and hoping for the best.
Well we worked out an
Well we worked out an arangement for 3 to 4 months to cool things off and give her time to get councelling for all 3 of them. We are leaving thins as they are for living arrangements for them to lesson the impact of moving. I offered to leave and stay with my Mother and Sisters 500 miles away. This took the stress off both of us finacially for the time being. Although this is not a final solution we will at least be able to make a better decision under less emotional strain.
Tonight i could her the youngest daughter challanging her mother in not very nice terms. (she has never done that before unlike the oldest) I can sure say Mom is really going to have her work cut our for her. I think her eyes will open more to what is really happening. Me leaving will not change attitude. They will have to focus thier anger on someone else for a change. I feel good about leaving for a some time.
Just because one of you is
Just because one of you is moving out, doesn't mean it has to be the end of it all. The kids may need a little time with mom to gain some solid ground (although, mom does need to step up and be a firm parent).
I never suggest living with someone and their kids before marriage (not judging...I lived with my first husband before we got married), I just think it makes it even harder to leave the relationship if that's what is called for. I have been married to my DH for just under a year, but we have been together for almost 11 years. My DD14 and I still do not live in his house. SD14 and SS12 make me crazy. SD and I have been getting along a lot more lately (she even hugs me now...and that has NEVER happened!), but it doesn't take away from the fact that she wants to be the adult in the house and DH pretty much lets her....so I will not live there until the kids are gone. We have made it this long, what's a few more years???
Hang in there. It may not be over just because someone moves out. Get back into dating one another.
I loved a tagline that I used to see on here .."I love my husband despite his kids"...I think that explains it all!!!
" I love my Wife despite her
" I love my Wife despite her Kids" does explain it all! I leave tomorrow. I spent the day with my Puppy all day. My partner and I took him for a long walk in the deep powder snow, then we went for sushi. My last day and i miss my dog already and miss my wife. Not necessarily in order.
I think this is really the
I think this is really the best decision you could have made. Your partner is making a serious mistake letting two young teenage girls make life changing decisions for you as a couple. With you out of the picture for a bit, she will have to face exactly how dysfunctional the relationship is. I feel bad for her. She's got a serious wake up call headed her way.
Hey, I'm new to this site but
Hey,
I'm new to this site but i really wanted to contribute to this thread. My heart goes out to you. Sounds like there's a lot going on for your partner..and that young lady is telling you both very clearly what she needs. I'm a psychotherapist, although this helps only marginally when it comes to my own brood, she is seeking what's called in some fields a 'mistaken goal'. Kids have five of them, when they're discouraged they try to care for their feeling of inadequacy by seeking ...mistaken goals. This little lady is seeking power. She has seen her father probably use power to manifest his will. She is copying because it feels better than how she feels inside about herself. It can become very entrenched in their personalities and the more extreme the behaviour the more deeply entrenched the habit or the distress is. However, it's all very well understanding a child's motives and mistakes but another living with the consequences. Little of her behaviour is acceptable, and until it is not tolerated completely it will not stop. The power she seeks is power over you and her mother and sisters mood and behaviour. If anyone needs to leave it is her. If she is able to break the family uo it will only reinforce her neurosis. Her mother has to be mature enough to ALLOW her to experience the consequences of her actions. If you are rude and uncivil then you do not have the privilege of relating to me. If you refuse to control yourself, and she is very capable of controlling herself, she just chooses not to. Then you are not welcome in my house. It does not help children for their dysfunctional behaviour to be tolerated in the name of love, it is not love to allow a child to avoid responsibility. When we avoid the consequences of a childs behaviour we communicate unconsciously to them that they would not be able to handle it, which further entrenches their feeling of inadequacy. It' not about kicking her out with anger and triumphant revenge, even though you'd feel like it it;s saying very calmly 'your behaviour is intolerable and I cannot allow you to behave that way around us. If you will not behave civilly I will ensure that you live elsewhere. That is self respect. It is also in the best interests of the child because you are modelling for her that she also deserves respect.
Her coldness is not sociopathic, however it is an altered state, a kind of disconnect with her true self. She is simply in an emotional rut and she is screaming for someone to contain her and be bigger than her so she can get to feel safe. She's angry with her mother for not being strong enough to contain her, and probably for not being able to protect herself and her from her father.
I hope this perspective is helpful, I'm not trying to lecture just to give you a bit of insider knowledge so it might be easier to deal with it.
IF your partner does leave, I'm sorry, thats very hard. We just can't make people be what we want them to be dammit!
But if it's any solace...your SD is not causing this situation between you and your partner...your relationship with your partner is with your partner if she chooses to leave it is her choice she's a grown-up no-one makes us do anything, unless they exert physical force over us. Often women with Battered Wife Syndrome find it very difficult indeed to change the way they get their needs met, from passivity to appropriate activity.But do remember that your SD is simply a large pressure in your lives right now and how we deal with stress is our own decision. Blaming others for how we feel only makes the situation worse, dealing with how we feel is what keps us growing.
Here endeth the first lesson....