Out of patience and out of the house! VERY long.
Hello all. This is my first post and it is a long one, but I hope some of
you will take the time to read it, as I really need some guidance. As I write this I am in a hotel room, having finaly lost my ability to deal with SD15. I packed up and left home two nights ago and I'm really not sure if I'll ever go back. DW and I have been married for 2 1/2 years, together for eight. As is usually the case, SD and I got along great when she was little, but she's been an utter nightmare ever since puberty hit. She is incredibly disrespecful and ungrateful despite the fact that she is given everything without earning it, has no rules, and has never suffered a single consequence for her disgusting behavior. When DW or I try to start up a conversation with her, or ask her how her day was, she makes a barely audible grunt. If we ask her to repeat herself she'll snap at us with something like "I ANSWERED YOU, IT'S NOT MY FAULT YOU'RE DEAF!" Some of the things she has done in the past two years: skipped school to take off with her boyfriend and then make up half-assed lies to cover it up, sneaked out of her room at night and not reappeared until sunrise, snuck a boy into her room while her dad was asleep in the nextdoor, forged both her parents signatures on various notes that were sent home from school, forged teachers signatures on exemption forms. At 14 she used her phone to make a full nude striptease video, and another video of herself masturbating and sent them both to some random boy "because he asked." A few months ago, while emptying her overnight bag after "a sleepover at her friend's house," I found an empty condom box, a wrapper from a pregnacy test, two thongs, and an empty water bottle that reeked of wine. Mind you, I am ALWAYS the one who discovers this stuff, and all I do is bring it to DW's attention and let her deal with it. Unfortunately, DW is very passive and nonconfrontational and she'll do anything to avoid conflict. She will accept any BS story that SD gives her in order to avoid disciplining her. I do my best to stay out of it, but the scenario is always the same: SD starts yelling, and DW starts crying. I'm sorry, but I CANNOT stand there while this plays out in front of me, so I intervene. SD will then put her hand up in front of my face and say the following: "SHUT UP!", "STAY OUT OF MY BUSINESS!", and "I'M NOT TALKING TO YOU!" Of course I have done more for this kid than many Bio-dads have ever done for their kids. I've been her chauffer, tutor, softball coach, driving instructor, and baby sitter. Not to mention the thousands I've spent on her for gifts, sports equipment, vacations, dinners out, etc. Last week I stood in line with her for over three hours at the DMV so she could get her learner's permit, and barely got a thank you. Her Bio-dad is an f'ing psycho who has periodic meltdowns while SD is at his house. This results in DW and I driving there in the middle of the night to rescue her. One time a few years ago, I dropped everything so DW and I could have the privilege of driving from Austin, TX to friggin' California to get SD because her dad had a nasty "episode" while they were on vacation. Yes, I really did that! Thank God DW and I had understanding bosses who gave us a few days off on a moment's notice. For the last few months, SD has been dating a 17 y/o boy who she pretty much spends every free minute with. The BF is very jealous and controlling. He accuses SD of cheating, constantly checks up on her, and makes her feel guilty for hanging with her GFs. So how does DW deal with it? By making her daughter more available to this A-hole! Hell, DW even allowed him to go on an overnight weekend trip with them at the start of the summer. To me that is NOT acceptable! I am so totally sick of coming home after a 12 hour workday to find this kid's car parked in front of my house. I'd like to relax a little and not have to sit there and play host to this little bastard! I've brought it up to DW and her reaction was to say I'm being "stupid," and I should be able to relax just fine with him there. So this is where the fireworks started a few nights ago. SD was in her room on the phone crying as the BF berated her for some perceived infraction she committed. I walked by the door and heard SD pleading innocence to whatever it was, so I went directly to DW and told her what was going on. DW's eyes started tearing up and she said "I'm gonna put a stop to it." So she bursts into the room and takes the phone away and tells BF he's to leave her daughter alone. SD jumps up and tries to wrestle the phone away from her mom. She then starts yelling "GET OUT OF MY ROOM!", "GIVE ME MY PHONE!", "WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM?!", "I'LL DEAL WITH IT MYSELF, I DON'T NEED YOUR HELP!" DW tries to calm the situation but to no avail, and SD is still on a roll. So I step in. I was doing my best to tell her that the way BF has been treating her is wrong, but I'm sure I was yelling because we were all emotional. Of course SD starts in with: "SHUT UP ....!", "WHY ARE YOU IN THIS HOUSE?!", "I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU SAY!" At that point, I lost it. I've lost it before, but this time I really went off the deep end. I called that kid names that would make Satan blush! It was years of pent up frustration and anger at feeling powerless while this little brat walked all over her mom and I while we did nothing but move Heaven and Earth for her. The thing is, I feel very guilty for some of the things I said, but I honestly don't have the least bit of guilt for feeling the way I do toward her. So now I'm at a loss for what to do next. DW and I have not spoken since I left, and I think that's for the best right now. I am absolutely postive that if I go back nothing will change, and I will still be the same unappreciated doormat who has no real defined role in the house. I know DW will do nothing to help the situation because she just can't stand up to SD. And frankly, I'm not sure she would even have me back after the things I said to her kid.
I'd really love to hear some of your perspectives on the situation. Thank you all so much for reading this novel and I look forward to your responses.
OH dear.....well, I can't
OH dear.....well, I can't offer any advice to you considering I'm perplexed myself with a teen SD but, I wish I had you as my SDad when I was younger. You seem like you were doing a bang up job in a house that didn't appreciate you.
I just want to say that I
I just want to say that I really feel for you. My younger sister and I acted like your SD when we were teenagers. 15 and 16 were especially hard for both of us. I remember my sister being picked up at the police station in the middle of the night, screaming matches, sneaking boys in, sneaking out to meet older boys. We said horrible things to both of our parents. Our parents have been married for 40 years now so there were never any steps involved. Our parents never did anything to cause or deserve our behavior at that age, and I am pretty sure we pushed them to the brink of divorce with our antics. I don't really have any advice to give you, but I just want to say that teenage girls can be crazy. I think a lot of it is out of control hormones. I know we both thought that boys were the most important thing in the world and our parents were idiots. Don't feel bad about the things you said to your SD, she knows she had it coming, even if she cant admit it. My sister and I both turned out ok, and we both still feel bad to this day about the way we acted during our teenage years. I do know that the only thing that kept us from completely going off the deep end was how SCARY our dad was when he was mad. Your SD might need that from you. It might be the best thing you could have done for her. Maybe try going back home and telling your wife and SD how its going to be from now on. Its worth a try. I'm sorry for rambling. I just really felt for you when I read this post. Try not to give up on her. Shes trying to push you away, but she doesn't want to succeed.
One more thing, it seems that your SD is insecure and she's acting out sexually. Jealous, controlling boys are always the best at making insecure girls feel better about themselves. They make you feel "wanted." Been there, done that. She needs a counselor. Like I said, my sister and I both turned out okay, but some of our friends from those days did not.
I've also been the SCARY dad
I've also been the SCARY dad and I've tried laying down the law several times as well. But it doesn't work when you have no support from mom. I've tried MANY, MANY times to institute rules, but DW stalls, balks, and says things like "she could be worse." She just generally does anything to avoid having the conversation and we get nowhere.
On top of this, no matter what happens, the kid knows she'll be at her dad's house within a of couple days and the punishment is effectively over. I've hinted, suggested, and pleaded with DW for a few years now to try and sit down with her ex so they could put some common sense rules on paper, but it never happens. They're just not unified when it comes to raising their kid.
I hear you on the whole "acting out sexually" thing, and yes, she's very insecure. I've even had the conversation with her about how certain boys will exploit that to take advantage of her. Again, I had that talk with her. Not her mom or her dad.
I found an empty condom box,
I found an empty condom box, a wrapper from a pregnacy test, two thongs, and an empty water bottle that reeked of wine.
empty condom box? wrapper from a pregnancy test? There is no reason she would have brought this home in her bag and not thrown it in the trash, unless she wanted to get caught.
steppinout, I hadn't thought
steppinout,
I hadn't thought of that. I don't know anything about the mindset of a teenage girl, so maybe she did want to get caught. I doubt it though. The kid is an unbelieveable slob who just leaves crap in the most convenient place. She probably meant to throw it all away but was too lazy.
You should see her room, she has not slept in her bed in weeks because there is too much stuff piled up on it. I kid you not, there is so much junk on the floor you have to push the door open to get in.
Pinky and Momma, Thanks for
Pinky and Momma,
Thanks for the quick replies. Even though I know things will never change, and that leaving is probably the best move, I still feel tremendous guilt. I certainly have not been the perfect dad, but I've done my best for a kid that I'm not even required to give a damn about. I've never been shy about letting the people who mean the most to me know how much I love them, and I've told her countless times that I love her. But I honestly don't think this child has the capacity to love anyone but herself. It's almost like she's defective or something.
DW never wanted any of this, and she's been wonderful to me, but lately all we do is fight and I just don't like the person I'm becoming.
By the way momma, I LOVE your signature line. That's how I feel as a dad!
I'm going to read the rest of
I'm going to read the rest of your post, but just getting to this part...
"I ANSWERED YOU, IT'S NOT MY FAULT YOU'RE DEAF!"
**SMACK!!!***
No kidding! CRACK! That's
No kidding! CRACK! That's what I got when I was mouthy with my parents. Yet for some strange reason I still love them dearly to this day! Unfortunately DW made it clear from the beginning that there is NO hitting allowed. Funny how she can tell me what's not allowed, but not her own kid.
Wow, you sure do have your
Wow, you sure do have your hands full. I'm so sorry you're dealing with that. Like Steppinout, I was a terrible teen. I started smoking at 14 (quit at 19), drinking, telling my parents I was one place but being at another. The list goes on and on. I'm sure they were ready to kill me. My dad died when I was 16, but I continued to give my mom headaches for quite awhile. I also turned out very ok. I did not deal with steps, so it's a little different.
All I can say is that is your home and you are the adult. With that being said, it's hard to enforce anything if DW isn't on board. You need to be a united front when dealing with a kid like that. DW needs to grow a backbone. At least I had a healthy fear of my parents back then. She has no fear. She needs consequences. Personally, I would have ripped that phone out of her hand and flushed it.
I guess my gut feeling is to go talk to them and lay down some rules. Somebody has to be tough. If they don't like the rules or fight you, at least you tried. I would also apologize to SD for inappropriate name calling. You need to be an example of how to act so she can learn. I would tell her I'm sorry I called you names...that was inappropriate, but I am still angry, etc. Don't excuse her behavior. Let them know that a condition to you living there is getting respect and following rules. Again, I don't think you're going to be able to do anything if DW isn't on board. If losing you isn't enough to get her attention, do you want to be there anyway?
I hope it all works out for you. I sure don't envy the position you're in. I also know that all the above is easier said than done. A therapist told me, "We teach people how to treat us". That was the most important thing anybody ever said to me. I was teaching somebody to not respect me by the crap I took from them. When I got a backbone, things changed dramatically. Go teach them how to treat you right!!
Good luck!
p.s. That kid definitely needs a therapist..or boot camp. I vote for boot camp.
Yes, rules and consequences,
Yes, rules and consequences, I agree. But her mom apparently does not, so it's a futile effort. We've tried therapy, she refuses to talk to the therapist.
wow, I am so sorry that you
wow, I am so sorry that you are going thru such a horrible time with your family, but I wouldn't go back. Has DW thought about therapy? I think that she doesn't stand up to her DD because she feels that she owes her so much because of her psycho dad and the separation, which is wrong by the way.
IMHO, I would allow some time to pass to let things cool down, and then maybe contact DW and talk about what transpired. If she doesn't want to listen and is done, then you have your answer as to where she stands on the sitch. You do NOT deserve to be treated this way. I just hope that my SD doesn't turn out this way, and if she does that DH will stand up to her, I know he will he is a tyrant like me *blush*, but if he didn't and allowed her to speak to me the way your SD did to you; I think our relationship would be OVER! To me that would mean DH did not respect me enough to stand by me against a disrespectful child.
Good Luck, I wish you the best!
You should see her room, she
You should see her room, she has not slept in her bed in weeks because there is too much stuff piled up on it. I kid you not, there is so much junk on the floor you have to push the door open to get in.
This was me! My dad took a video of my bedroom and played it when we had family from out of town staying with us- you could not see the floor, every surface was covered including the bed. I, however, would just sweep everything onto the floor at night. Sadly, the humiliation did not work. My point is I still would have thrown those things away. Does your SD have a job? I got a job when I was 15 and that helped a lot. It would keep her busy and give her responsibility and self esteem that she thinks she is getting from the boyfriend. But like everyone has said, the wife has to be on board.
Thank you! Now do you see
Thank you! Now do you see what I'm going through. It didn't work on you and that was your bio-dad. You didn't have the luxury of a second, albeit dysfunctional, home to escape to, and you still didn't change until you grew up a little. So how am I supposed to affect change when it's not even my kid?
No, she does not have a job and she does not have any chores. When she's not out with her BF, she is in her room or on the couch texting and Facebooking while her mom and I prepare meals, clean up, etc.
This is tough. No, my dad
This is tough. No, my dad could not get me to keep my room clean. However, when he and my mom got home from work the rest of the house was clean. My sister and I fixed dinner and cleaned up afterwards from the time we were 11. At 15, we had jobs and still had to keep the house clean and cook dinner. No way in HELL would we be sitting on the couch while my parents cooked and cleaned. I think I would have gotten the belt for trying it. I had responsibilities, I was not allowed to lay around and not contribute to the home. I was out-of-control wild and thought I knew more than I did. There is a big difference in my opinion. Why do you think your wife is in denial about her daughter's behavior? I think you need to stop asking and start telling. Like you said, your wife can give you rules but not her daughter. You might be the step, but it is your home. Don't let these women run you.
Life would be a dream if SD
Life would be a dream if SD would do half of what you did when you were a kid. As it is now, she comes in the house, and all her stuff gets dumped on the kitchen table, which is where it stays until I yell for her to come and pick it up. Even then, she can't do it without being told a minimum of three times and there is ALWAYS attitude.
She has openly stated that she does not think she should have household responsibilities, we should do that stuff because we're the adults.
She may not do half of what
She may not do half of what we did as kids BUT she also doesn't do half of what we did. There was no mention of the authorities in your post. My parents were on a first name basis with most of the officers in the small precinct by our house. We were drinking by 15 and not wine coolers like most young people start out with. We went straight to the Wild Turkey. We were also smoking and smoking pot. We once put my dad's car in neutral and pushed it up the small hill in front of our house so we could go to the lake and meet some boys in the middle of the night. I only had a learner's permit and my sister was 14. Still don't know how we lived through that one. Sneaking out and staying out until the sun came up was just what we did. We would go to a neighborhood and switch around the numbered mailboxes. We had fake Ids and we would steal my parents car and drive downtown (about an hour away) so we could go to 21+ clubs. This was at 15 and 16. Skipped school ALL the time. I got caught leaving school early once and got chased by the driver's ed teacher in a golf cart (I was in a car.) I could go on forever. Trust me it was no dream for my parents.
steppinout, the police have
steppinout, the police have already been involved once. It was one of the times that she was trying to sneak a boy in at her dad's house. He heard the kid outside and called the cops. I was at work, but DW went flying over there at 11pm. All the cops did was write a trespass warning and send him home, then tell SD that she shouldn't sneak boys in. The fact that there has not been more law enforcement involvement only means that she has been good at not getting caught so far. Yes, she smokes weed (we haven't found any weed or paraphernalia, but I've seen her texts where she talks about doing it). At the beginning of her freshman year, she was hooked up briefly with this slimy kid who is a big-time raver and ecstasy user. That's who she snuck out with the first time she was caught. All of what you're saying kind of solidifies my position. The behavior you exhibited as a kid is right around the corner for her.
Her newest thing is she wants to get a tattoo on her wrist. I'm sure once she can find someone (likely an older boy from school) who can get her a fake ID, she'll go to a tattoo shop and get it.
It's just so sad. If only she
It's just so sad. If only she could glimpse 5 or 10 years down the road from now and see where these people she thinks are so cool are going to be. Not cool anymore. Does she have any positive interest? Has your wife tried to contact you?
She needs to gain a broader perspective of life. Volunteering would be good for her. I think she is too old for Girls on the Run, but some type of similar program would be good for her if you can find one in your area. How does she do in school?
Maybe being a mentor to younger, less fortunate girls would help her. Would she encourage a younger girl to follow her path? Maybe that would inspire her to do better for herself? What does she want to do with her life? Can you find her a mentor?
The wife has got to wake up. Is she prepared to be a grandmother with a baby and a high school drop out living with her?
www.girlsontherun.org
Don't go back over there
Don't go back over there unless you want to be a step grandfather and then you will have another person to take care of. Not your kd and not your problem.
She may not be your kid and I
She may not be your kid and I suppose it's not your problem You could walk away now and no one would fault you. Or you could tough it out, be there for her, lay down the rules, show her that you love her enough to stand up to her and not let her get away with how she is behaving, and one day she will be mature enough to appreciate you and all you have done for her. Honestly, I thought I hated my dad until I was about 19. It was only then that I realized how lucky I was to have a father in my life who would not put up with my bullsh*t. She needs someone in her life to show her the way. She has a mother who turns the other cheek and a crazy man for a father. At this point, you are her only hope. You don't really want to walk away or you wouldn't be here posting on this board. We don't just walk out on the ones we love when it gets too hard. There is a light at the end of the tunnel, I promise.
I'm sorry I think this just hits a little too close to home for me.
Yup...this one^^^
Yup...this one^^^
I'm not sure he can lay down
I'm not sure he can lay down any rules if mom isn't following through too and not letting him.
You make good points. And
You make good points. And I've tried to imagine that moment when SD has her epiphany and realizes how good I've been to her. But I don't think it's fair that I'm expected to endure this crap in the hope that that moment MIGHT one day come.
You (and Calgon) are speaking from the perspective of people that were raised in an intact family (like I was), with two parents that were a team and on-board with raising you right if it killed them. My SD's life is disjointed and filled with inconsistency and a complete lack of boundries.
And yes, you're right, part of me hopes this family is still salvageable. But you can only be rebuked, undercut, devalued and pushed away so many times before you throw in the towel.
"You (and Calgon) are
"You (and Calgon) are speaking from the perspective of people that were raised in an intact family (like I was), with two parents that were a team and on-board with raising you right if it killed them. My SD's life is disjointed and filled with inconsistency and a complete lack of boundries."
^^I think this is the bottom line of the whole situation, especially the "two parents that were a team". Without that, you cannot do anything. Instead of focusing your energy on SD, I think it would be better spent trying to talk some sense into DW's head. (I'm sure you've done this before) The difference this time is that you're about to leave. You can't make her do anything, but if she will allow you to walk out the door before she stands up to SD, she will never get a backbone.
You have some big decisions to make. I don't blame you at all for wanting some peace. Home is supposed to be a refuge, not a war zone. Nobody can say for sure what they would do unless they're living it. Listen to your gut. Guts are usually right.
We all like to believe that
We all like to believe that things will get better, but a lot of times they don't. Trust me, most of the time it doesn't get better, at least not for step-parents. If it did, a lot of us wouldn't be on here bitching and moaning about our SD's who are now adults. Not trying to be negative, but sometimes the light at the end of the tunnel is really just an oncoming train.
Wow you're good for lasting
Wow you're good for lasting as long as you did. It was good you left. You need a time out away from that craziness. Mom isn't getting her daughter in control and isn't allowing you to try anything. All you can do is just sit back and watch. Why would you want to???
I think you are going to have to consider the fact that going back isn't an option. Nothing will change. mom will have to make major rules and do things differently, not sure if that is easy for anyone.
Sorry, I really hope you are able to stay strong and start moving on. You have really put up with a lot.
SS, Welcome, I hope you find
SS,
Welcome, I hope you find this a good place to vent, contribute and get some useful perspective from others who are living the blended family dream.
My blended family resume: I am full time dad to my SS-19 (his b-day was 2wks ago) and have been since he was 1yo. His mom and I just celebrated ou 17th anniversary. My DW was a 16yo single teen mom and the SpermIdiot (DickHead) is a total waste of skin. My SS is the oldest of his 4 OOWL spawn by 3 different baby mamas. DW went on to finish HS, her BS and an MBA with honors and is now a CPA. DickHead is a toothless drooling dipshit.
I have two suggestions for you.
1) Call your DW, go to dinner and inform her that you insist that your marriage is your priority and will be your DW's priority and your SD will not be allowed to interfere or jeopardize your marriage.
2) You and DW develop a short list of household rules for SD and associated accountability/consequences for violations.
Then return to your home and wife and take control and implement some family leadership. It seems to me that your wife and your SD are screaming for the structure that you as a strong leader can provide.
Don't get me wrong. I am not suggesting that you and DW not be equity partners. Just the opposite. I am suggesting that you and DW reestablish an equity marital partnership and get your family under control.
If there is a kid I have heard about that could use a bare assed blistering with a belt it is your SD. She is not too old for some effective corporal punishment. Also, the next time she gets in your or DW's face screaming, slap the piss out of her. If she puts a hand in your or DW's face out her against the nearest wall and inform her that you will not tolerate any crap from her what-so-ever. If she is going to act as a skanky teen whore and a foul mouthed little bitch then she needs to be introduced to commiserate and appropriate discipline and be held accountable for her actions.
I would also immediately disconnect the house phone, flush SD's cell phone and pitch all of the computers in the house except for a secure lap top each for you and DW.
I had to do these things with my own SS when he was 15 including putting him forcefully against a wall when he was screaming at his mom and took a swing at me.... then I pitched him out the front door in to a driving blizzard with no coat and only one shoe. I let him freeze his ass off a while then brought him back in to the house and gave him absolute clarity any further crap and he could live in a card board box under the nearest over pass.
We never had another freak out episode from him after that. We did have some fairly normal teen boy brain fart stuff but no more disrespectful crap.
The key for my wife and I to have a equity partnership marriage and to provide an example and parenting that our son (my SS) could benefit from was the specifically agreed to priority of our marriage and my equity parent status in the raising of my SKid.
On a more pleasant note, we too are from Austin though we just relo'd to Houston after 6yrs in the PA/DE/NJ region.
All in my opinion of course.
Good luck.
Wow Rags! I'm actually from
Wow Rags! I'm actually from the northern NJ/PA area originally. I'm prior military (as I suspect you are) and that's what brought me to TX.
Anyway, as I stated in another reply to this post, physical discipline is absolutely forbidden. As far as throwing away her phone, I've done it. Her mom got her another one the next day using the exscuse that SD needs it so she can call us when her dad is going apeshit.
So she can have the phone
So she can have the phone when she is with her dad and you take it and hide it when she is with you. DW is just using excuses for the easy way out.
How can physical discipline,
How can physical discipline, which is legal in all 50 states, be forbidden to you? The law says you can do it, so do it.
You are an equity parent for your SD and she needs a good ass whoopin! Any person standing in loco parentis can use corporal punishment when parenting IN ALL 50 STATES in the US!.
Here is the link to the corporal punishment overview web-site that I frequent in the corporal punishment discussion threads.
http://kidjacked.com/legal/spanking_law.asp
Specifically the Texas law says:
Abuse does not include reasonable discipline by a parent/guardian/managing or possessory conservator if child not exposed to substantial risk of harm. Family Code § 261.001. [Civil Code] Parent/stepparent/person standing in loco parentis to child is justified to use non-deadly force against a child under 18 when and to degree the actor reasonably believes necessary to discipline, or safeguard or promote child's welfare. Penal § 9.61. [Criminal Code]
So, warm up your forehand or back hand, whichever you prefer, grab a belt, paddle or switch, and light her ass up. She needs it in the worst way. You can decide what is required as far as how YOU apply corporal punishment to a child in your home. Basically DW gets no say when YOU are the one doing the disciplining.
Right before you blister her ass hand your DW a print out of the Texas laws, inform DW that it is not her call, step in to your SD's room turn and lock the door for a focused discussion prefaced by handing her a copy of the law and tell her if she so much as backtalks under her breath to you or YOUR wife again that you will blister her ass. Then calmly instruct her to drop her pants and bend over the bed and give her a dozen or so on the firm side full arm swing swats. Then take her phone, crush it under your heel, insruct her that she will do exactly what she is told when she is told to do it by your wife or you and if she does not, she will immediately bend over and grab her ankles and you will blister her bare ass again. Do not scream, do not yell be firm, direct and follow through on your forehand or backhand stroke to make sure you don't give yourself tennis elbow. }:)
When you walk out of the room, tell your DW if she has a problem with you taking control of the discipline in YOUR home that she knows where the door is and she and SD can leave until they pull their heads out of their asses.
I have had to do this with my own SS though my wife and I, for the most part, have been on the same page as far as parenting and discipline is concerned. Though a couple of occassions I have had to tell my wife that I was no longer discussing it then I spanked my Skid whether she agreed in that instance or not.
Don't get me wrong. I can count on less than two hands the number of times that either I or my wife have Spanked the Skid, but he did get his ass blistered often enough to understand that his mom and I would not tolerate snarky kid crap from him.
Just my experiences of course.
Good luck.
It seems to me that your wife
It seems to me that your wife and your SD are screaming for the structure that you as a strong leader can provide.
Agree totally.
Have you ever left before? Your wife is probably going crazy right now. She knows she can't handle this girl without you. Let her freak out for a bit. Then come back in the power position and lay down the law. I am really rooting for you. You seem like a great guy and they are really lucky to have you. I hope they both come to their senses and realize it.
Yes, I am speaking from my experience in an intact family, and it is much harder in your situation but I still don't think it is hopeless. My parents were not always on the same page, my mom thought my dad was way too hard on us. She thought he yelled to much, didn't say enough nice things to us. Maybe it's women and their daughters. Truthfully, he probably wasn't hard enough.
Teenage girls have got to be the hardest people to deal with. If your bored in your hotel room, watch the movie Mean Girls that will give you some insight into the mind of a teenage girl and probably scare the shit out of you!
Evenstar, you are so right.
Evenstar, you are so right. I've said the exact same thing to DW. I found a long letter that the BF wrote to SD basically stating that he had given her chances and deadlines to change but she had not complied, so it was "goodbye for the last time." Of course they went out together that night. This was not the first time BF had demanded that SD "change" for him. I've seen a few texts to the same effect as well. He uses the relationship like a form of extortion. I showed the letter to DW and she said, and I am dead serious, "we don't know what kind of shit she's putting him through." I just stood there and stared at her dumbfounded for about 30 seconds and then walked away. She actually took the little bastard's side over her own flesh and blood. I was disgusted.
SD gets money from her guilt ridden parents and her dad's big family. DW and I already have completely seperate finances. Some people think this is strange, but we have NEVER had a fight about money. We were both pretty well established financially when we met, so we never needed to pool our money.
Also, the BF pays for everything when they're out. He just got his first job a few days ago, so I guess his parents were financing the relationship up to now.
So we can cut her off, but the kid always has money. A few months ago I found $167.00 in a pile on her bedroom floor. Well, in a pile on top of another pile.
I too used to HATE coming
I too used to HATE coming home and my SD's boyfriend would be over. It would be EVERY damn day, and I too got sick of it. I finally got fed up and told my wife and SD that he can't be over at our house all the time, all day long, staying all the way up to us being ready for bed.
Wife thought I was overreacting and SD threw a fit, but I didn't care. I stood my ground because my house should be a place that I feel comfortable coming home to after work.
You are suffering from the
You are suffering from the chaotic parenting that this girl's bio parents have provided all her life. Her bio dad sounds a complete waste of space, but frankly, your DW has not done terribly much better. By refusing to provide this girl with appropriate boundaries and allowing her to rule the roost, she has turned her into a nasty little dictator hiding a shaky centre with no self esteem whatsoever. That is probably why she has got into an abusive relationship with a "strong" character - she is desparately searching for someone to impose some discipline on her, but has chosen badly.
It would be very hard for your DW to change her parenting style now, and to be honest, much too late. The damage has been done. If you go back, you are in for years and years of stress and struggling with an impossible situation. This girl sounds as if she is going to continue making a complete mess of her life in order to punish you and her mother. If you love DW enough to tolerate this, I admire you, but I don't think I could do it. Good luck whatever you decide.
As another stepdad, welcome
As another stepdad, welcome to this forum. It's nice to go to a website where people actually understand what you are going through. It seems like your wife may have the same problem that mine does. I've told my wife that many times I feel like she is more afraid of angering her SD than she is of losing me. For the longest time I felt like she didn't have my back when it come to her daughters because she never wanted to confront them over things and I was the one always having to bring up things. The flip side of that though is if she even THINKS I might be doing something wrong, she has no problem jumping on my case with ranting and raving. She would just always accuse me of looking for things to be wrong and only focusing on the negative. You sound a lot like me, except I have four SD's and they are all adults.
Trust me, it only gets worse when they are adults if something isn't done about SD's behavior. I too have blown up at my SD's, and it's because you are forced to hide how you truly feel because you are supposed to be the bigger person. You are supposed to put up with their crap because "they're just kids" and "you're supposed to be the adult" but after a while you reach your breaking. Last argument I had with the youngest SD (the worst of the bunch) she actually had the nerve to tell me to grow up, that I was rude, and an asshole. All of this in front of my mom who was visiting from another state. I snapped and started telling her EXACTLY what I thought of her, and course she went crying to mommy, who of course made everything to be my fault. I applaud you for realizing that enough is enough and leaving.
So here's my two cents about the situation. You and your wife somehow have to come to a compromise. Her passive behavior is not working, and it's really only hurting SD, not helping her. If your marriage is to work, you two will probably need to go to counseling. If you two don't ever get on the same page, your SD will know this and always go to mommy whenever she doesn't agree with something, and mommy will go against whatever you have deciced (like she did with the cellphone) and you are reduced to just being a figurehead in the household with no authority. Also, you do need to apologize for any names or anything that was out of line said to the SD. You also need to apologize directly to the SD. I know it sucks, and the SD probably will not apologize at all, but since we are supposed to be civilized adults, it needs to be said, even if she doesn't accept your apology.
As far as you returning, that is entirely on your wife. Hopefully she really misses you and realizes just how much you were a part of their life and no longer takes you for granted. I'm sure your wife might be angry at you, but certainly she should understand what has led up to all of this. If she doesn't understand or just wants you to bow down and kiss her ass in order to come back, then don't bother coming back. I know it will hurt emotionally at first, but you don't need to be living in a place where you are powerless.