New here and need some advice....
A little history first... DH and I are each on our second marriages... trying to blend my 3 children (ages 18, 16, and 7) and his 2 ( ages 18 and 16 ). It has been a nightmare trying to find something that works. At first DH and I thought we could be on the same page- but when his 2 and my 16 year old started acting out- alot of typical teenage stuff (Sneaking out the window- not being where they said they would be etc) With the exception of my 7 year old, it was obvious that at least to begin- we each needed to deal with our own kids. His weren't listening to me and I just made them angry- which made me angry. Mine didn't want to listen to him and it didn't help that my ex was on the sidelines telling them they didn't need to listen to anything my new husband had to say. DH's ex is not really in the picture- he has full custody of his kids. She was never a mother to these kids- she only gave birth.
Anyway- the reason I am here is because of my 16 year old SD. She shows signs of depression- she has been caught cutting- she's way too obsessed with vampires and basically the dark side of life. I have been feeling more and more agitated when I am around her and I determined it was because of all of the negative stuff/energy she was bringing into the house. When I married my husband, I went into this fully invested- not wanting to replace my skids mother but to become someone positive in their life that they could eventually come to love and count on. I truly have not wanted anything less for them than I want for my own children. I love their father very much. I feel he is the man I have been waiting for all of my life and I feel I finally have the chance to live the life I have always imagined. I just didn't realize skids could be so difficult or that blending a family was going to be even more than I ever dreamed of. Still- I have been committed to figuring out how to make this work. DH felt the same of me- and if the kids were not in the picture- he and I would be perfectly fine.
The problem is with my SD- I have seen behavior that really concerns me and I am scared and worried for her safety. She's given me reason to worry about the possible safety of others. She is so angry and bitter and full of resentment towards her mother. This has been going on for years- but is finally surfacing. When I try to talk to DH about my concerns he gets angry. He thinks I am being critical of his daughter. He wants to point out all of my daughter's issues- which believe me - I am well aware of. She keeps me on my toes. I'm not perfect- there is no handbook on how to deal with teens- no handbook about how to blend a family or be a step parent. My ex does not help me reinforce any discipline I have tried to put in place for my own daughter and underminds everything I try to do. I do not see what my daughter has done as any worse than the things his daughter has thrown out at us. They all have things we need to help them with and I am not keeping score. I feel DH thinks I am the proverbial evil stepmom... he can't see that I'm on his side. I want to help his daughter.
We have been fighting more and more- mostly because of his daughter. They are from Canada- and had not been back to visit family in over 2 years (also needed to renew a passport)- they are there for the summer. I know they needed to visit as it was long overdue- I am the only one who is working (budget was not allowing for travel) and when we first all came together, we thought having an adult in the house would make the transition easier- and because my ex is not dependable... we wanted someone to be available for the kids. We both were concerned about utter chaos with 4 teens in the house and my little one and no one home because both of us were working. Anyway- I hacked SD's facebook and email account the day after they left. I found out pretty much everything I had been suspecting- and gave all of the info to my husband.
I have been pretty in-tune with SD- I have felt that alot has been going on with her but didn't always have proof. DH has kept a tight leash on her- thinking if she were home where he could watch her- she wouldn't be in trouble. SS acted so bad and was not willing to work with us and ended up back in CA with grandparents... DH did not want to lose his daughter either and I can completely understand !! My daugther well I have allowed to continue to go out with friends etc. I know the kids need a chance to earn back trust when it's been broken- and I realize I can't keep my daughter in a bubble the rest of her life. She has and will probably make some more bad decisions before she learns her lesson and a parent can't always be there to fix every mess kids find themselves in. I would love to protect them and keep them from making decisions that will only make life more difficult but I'm realizing that it just is not possible. I am angry that DH's daughter was disobeying and breaking the rules right under his nose. DH would not address issues with her if I was present so I felt excluded. Worse is that I really believe she needs some psych help. Her issues seem to go beyond the typical teenage stuff (where I think my daughter fits in). I am worried that she is going to hurt herself or someone else or both. DH is irate with me- he thinks I just want to put her in a mental ward and forget her. This is not true ! I'm a nurse- it's in every fiber of me to want to help people- being a nurse and mom I think has given me some pretty good insight and intuition into what his daughter needs. I only want to help. What do I do ? How can I make DH see I'm not singling her out- I am WORRIED. Sorry this is so long- I tried to give you the short version. *sigh*
I wonder if no one else had
I wonder if no one else had commented on this due to the complexity of your situation. So many teenagers in one home could only be so exciting! It sounds like DH is extremely sensitive and defensive when it comes to his daughter, and that makes it difficult for you to express your concerns. I have had that problem as well. It's hard for any parent to admit that there may be something "wrong" with their child. Especially if your children are pretty typical. He may even be a little jealous. I notice that when I would point out flaws with my SS to my DH, he would come back with "well, your daughter does this" - pointing out something that my child does wrong. Then we would just end up in an argument. So, we agreed that any time one of us had a problem/situation to discuss regarding one of the kids, we would not bring any of the other children into the conversation. If there was a problem/situation concerning one of the other kiddos, we would talk about it some other time. That seems to work for us.
My SS15 went through that weird stage too. His BM had moved him to 6 different schools from grade 5-9 and he just had a hard time fitting in -especially SIX different times. He's very self-conscious about his looks because he's pretty heavy (another topic I could get in to). His BM and Dad were constantly fighting about it and that didn't help. SS15 went thru the "cutting" and actually would tell me how he hated his BM and wanted to kill her. He was very disrespectful to most adults and was getting into trouble in school. We did pay for some counseling for SS15, but when other things in his life began to calm down, so did he. I think much of his acting out was for attention. How long have you and your children been with your new family? Maybe SD feels threatened? Try not to let SD know that you and DH are affected by her behaviors - that may instigate more if her goal is to get between you two. One more thing... Not too long ago when I was expressing my concerns about my SS's behavior, DH got defensive and we started to argue. I looked DH in the eyes and asked, "where do you see your son 1 year from now?" His answer was so unrealistic! It was all positive and good and perfect, bla, bla. So then I asked, "what's going to change between now and then, because he's obviously not those things right now!" It was an eye-opener for him! Sometimes these DHs need to TAKE OFF THE BLINDERS!! Hope this helps a little.
I am new here too. Me and DH
I am new here too. Me and DH (that I love with all my heart) argued again this morning about the kids. Thank goodness there is someone out there that is having the same problems as me, not that I want others to have problems..... We are a blended family with 5 kids too. Mine are 20,18,14 his are 16 and 18. He has full custody.I saw so many things in both posts that I can relate to.... ex wife not really in the picture, disobeying, breaking rules, DH defensive, singling out, TAKE OFF THE BLINDERS. I am generally a very laid back person that will put up with alot before I lose my cool. My cool is gone and has been so for the past few weeks! I will admit my 14yr old is a mess, he is slowly coming around, me and DH have been married 2yrs, so it is about time. He just will not allow my DH to do anything for him, with him etc. and he seems to really have a hard time controlling what he says or maybe expressing his feelings. He will get mad at his stepbrothers and say he is going to kill them. It really scares me when he talks like that, because even though when he calms down he says he would never do that,I have a scary little thought in the back of my head that he may lose control and actually do it one day. My younger son would prefer to live with his dad, I completely acknowledge and understand that, but his dad is not in a good situation so there is no way I can let him do that. My two older ones pretty much have taken everything in stride and seem to like and respect their stepdad. His younger one is doing much better now, but will still do things that are just plain out mean, like when we were on vacation and he was throwing my books away. The family friend we were staying with finally asked me if I was throwing away my books because he had pulled them out of the trash can 3 times and he knows me well enough to know I would never throw away my books. There was a very limited group to choose from on which kid was doing it, when I said something to DH he just kinda shrugged it off and started coming up with reasons why it may have been someone else. Then when it was time for some kneeboarding he started complaining that if me and my younger son went it would slow down the boat too much even though he had been kneeboarding the whole time with a boat full of people larger than me or my son. He was simply trying to exclude me and my son. Now I might would expect this out of a younger kid, but 16??? My SS18 is causing major issues right now. He constantly lies, breaks the rules(mine do that too), is dabbling in drugs and will not leave other peoples personal belonging alone. DH TAKE OFF THE BLINDERS PLEASE! EX: While we were on vacation he went in my purse and took out a container of stuff he had been caught with. I had taken it to work to verify what it was and it was still in my purse, he took it out of my purse. Is he taking money? Who knows, I can't trust him. He will look us in the face and lie. He goes through my personal things and just takes what he wants. Once again when I say something to DH it turns into someone else may have taken it, even though I feel strongly that he knows who it was. No complaint from me can be just about the problem I am having with one of my SSs, it turns into all of the bad things my kids do and I have the problem with the singling out thing. Yes I am going to single out someone if they are digging around in my purse or throwing my stuff out on purpose.I have tried the whole sit down as a family and talk about respecting each others property, it just isn't working!!! There is no place in that house with the exception of a gun safe, that is off limits. I have to stuff my purse in the safe every night.
Oh yeah and my SSs are the messiest people on the face of this earth and my two boys are quickly heading down the same path. I might as well put on a maid uniform. DH says make them do it. Well just how hard is it to get a bunch of teenagers to do anything? If they do it they will do it halfway just to aggravate me. I can't stand the mess.
Now that I am finished ranting, I will tell you I honestly love those boys. SS16 is handsome, thoughtful(when he wants to be), and one of the hardest working young men I have ever been around. SS18 is handsome,super smart, funny and one of the most charming young men I have ever been around.
Their dad is the absolute best so they have to have some of his good qualities!
Okay so I know none of that helps you with your situation, but at least know that you are not alone in the struggle and I have been able to get this off my chest and actually pick up a good idea as well. I am definitely going to talk to my husband about the agreement that Ginger M has with her husband. I think that is a really good idea, keeping the conversation about the problem with the one kid.