Need some advice please.
Hey everyone, I'm new to the group and I'm hoping for some advice from some parent's who may have experience in what I'm going through. I'm very worried about posting as I previously did in another parenting site and the response I got was very nasty. Basically blaming me. Anyway here goes.
I have 3 children 14, 12 and 9 I have been with my partner for 4 years we are due to be married later this year. He has 4 children one is 18 and lives independently. A 17yr old, a 12 yr old and 9 yr old. When my partner moved in we had the younger 2 children every other weekend. Which is great we had a few issues at the very beginning but these have all been sorted and they love coming to spend time with us and my children.
Just over 2 years ago the 17 yr old had to come to live with us as he had an altercation with his Mum. This is where the issues started. He is disrespectful, treats me with such resentment, My kids do not get on with him as he just doesn't try to interact with then at all. When he moved in my 2 boys now have to share a room as he doesn't get on with anyone.he vapes in his room when we have told him not to. The smell is awful. He doesn't contribute to the household chores. Just leaves mess everywhere. Anyway I went in his room to put some clothes on his bed and when I opened the door I could smell Weed. I then found all the equipment for making joints. I was so mad that he would do this around my kids.
I just feel so lost as to what to do. My partner works very long hours so I'm dealing with him myself for the most part.
Any advice is welcome. Thankyou for reading so sorry for the long post.
Your partner needs to step up
I know your partner works long hours but he's going to have to deal with his son. This young man is on a bad track. 1. Drug use; 2. Disrespecting you; 3. Vaping: 4. Leaving messes. I think the seriousness is in that order.
When we stepparents try to discipline, it just doesnt work. I know from being the defiant stepchild to being the frustrated stepmom.
Aside from concern about this young man and your own frustration, think about your own kids. It's not good for them living with this example, especially if Dad isnt handling issues.
Welcome to Steptalk and I hope being here benefits you as it has so many. Good luck!
Thank you
Thank you so much. You are totally right. I really appreciate your help.
How much longer before he is
How much longer before he is 18? Honestly, I'd put the wedding on hold until Daddy deals with this. If you can't get him to parent his kid now, what makes you think he will do it later? Can he go back to his BM? There's so much in this situation that can spiral out of control. Does your ex know any of this? Could he call CPS on you and cause problems with your own bios?
Read around on here You will learn a lot.
He's 18 in Sep
So he's 18 in Sep. I guess I'm just trying to be hopeful. His BM won't have him back at her house as in her own words it would be like having an abusive husband. I feel like I have been backed into a corner with the whole thing and I'm trying to find my voice. I have a good relationship with my ex and we Co-parent very well together. He tells me all the time how much of a great Mum I am to our kids and I know he has my back.
Danger to yourself
If his own mother compares him to an abusive husband, I'm concerned for your safety. He is 17, probably getting bigger and stronger daily. And, 18 is not a magic number. So many stepparents cling to the belief the child will magically vanish then but read around on here.
How nice for the BM, dumping
How nice for the BM, dumping her 'abusive husband' on you! I would not tolerate the nearly adult troublemaker; mainly because he presents a terrible example to your own children and because his attitude and behaviour are disturbing the peace and comfort that one is entitled to in their own home.
The SS is not your child nor should you be saddled with him, particularly when your partner works long hours. It’s time for a ‘come to Jesus’ meeting with your SO, outlining your complaints and letting him know, in no uncertain terms, that changes will have to be made.
Talk about being used; I'd be furious if an obnoxious, resentful, kidult male had been handed off to me when the parents were finding him difficult. No, no, NO!
If his own Mom is afraid of him, why in the world are you expect
If his own Mom is afraid of him, why in the world are you expected to deal with him? Your SO needs to step up and start parenting his kid. He either needs to change his work hours, or take his kid to work with him, or figure out some other way of handling things. Is BM paying child support?
No She's not.
For the longest time I've just always tried to keep everything together but I can't take any more. I'm exhausted. She has never given us any CS for him. My OH has been paying less towards the younger 2 children to balance things out however because he was expelled from school and only lasted a matter of weeks in college. He is not in any form of further education so legally she doesn't have to pay anything now anyway. (I'm in England)
I totally agree my SO needs to step up and he's going to have to do because my mental health is struggling.
I suggest you have your local
I suggest you have your local police on speed dial...
Where's the money for his illicit habits coming from?
Working
He has a weekend job at McDonald's. I even told family not to give him cash for Birthday or Christmas because we thought he would use it for buying Vapes now we know its obviously been drugs too!
Next question
If he isn't in school, why isn't he working full time.
When my daughter was 17, she was at university AND working 24 hours per week at McDonald's. What's his excuse? He could save up for a place of his own once he turns 28 ...
Welcome to the site.. and so
Welcome to the site.. and so sorry you are dealing with this.
To echo others, yeah.. the message to your husband is that if the kid is like an "abusive husband" to his own mother.. how does he think a stepmother is going to deal with this.. in his absence?
First things first though.. do you work and would you be able to support your children and live independently without your DH?
Because, you need to be prepared to leave him if your BF doesn't do a 100% turn around in very short order. Your primary responsibility is to provide your minor kids a safe and nurturing environment to grow and learn. With this kid in the home, you are showing them that breaking rules is not something that gets dealt with.. that it's tolerated and it's not YOU that is responsible for that 17.. it is his FATHER.
If his son needs mental health help... his father needs to get it for him. His dad can make clean random drug tests a condition of him remaining in the home once he is 18.. but can set consequences for not testing clean prior to 18 as well. I'm sure things like access to wifi.. paid for by dad phone etc.. can be eliminated.
It sounds like he is reducing what he pays his EX.... so I don't know that the CS issue is necessarily something that would be at the top of the list.. and at this point, with him turning 18 w/in a year.. probably not worth the trouble to go after anything.
So, your husband needs to step up and deal with his son. Is he aware of the abuse you are suffering? Is he aware of the drug use and vaping in your home? How does he deal with it.? Can he reduce or shift hours so he is more available? Can his kid be somewhere else when dad isn't home?
At this point, though, you may need to be prepared to make good on a promise to leave if his son isn't out of the house at 18.. so if you aren't working now... find a job. Get yourself in a position to independently support your kids (if you aren't already). And stick to it.
Love is not enough.. and if your SO doesn't love you enough to deal with his son.. to help protect you and your children from the side effects of his kid.. then he isn't right for you.
Because as much as you may care for him.. it may be better for you to live separately until he is either figured out how to deal with his son.. or you decide it's time to move on.
I can't thank you all enough.
I really do appreciate each and everyone of you for being so kind towards me and helping me navigate this.
So yes I do work full time and I have lived independently with my kids before I met my SO. So I know I can do it. Since speaking to you all I have realised that what I am putting it with is not my responsibility and My SO needs to step up. I just feel at this moment in time the damage has already been done and I just dont have the same level of respect for my SO as I did previously. He has let us all down.
I feel so hurt and I do blame myself because I let it get this bad because Having been a single Mum for a long time previously I just craved that stable man for me and my kids so made excuses. (Desperate I know)
I feel like I need to start a fresh for me and my kids.
Don't feel guilty for wanting
Don't feel guilty for wanting to have a stable man/relationship... but do know your worth and the importance of a stable home life for your children. You did not create the problem.. and to an extent, your BF has also been saddled with a situation that he may not have had much hand in creating (not sure how involved he had been as a parent prior to this.. or how much he was able to be involved/allwed).
But, understanding how it came about.. doesn't mean you have to continue to subject yourself and your children to it long term.
I would say that right now, at a minimum, the wedding is delayed until this is more clear about what it means long term.
It also begs to have a real conversation with your BF about his son... and how he will or will not be able to fix these issues. It may mean the hard step to step back and live independently.. he with his son.. you with your kids until his son launches.. or you both may feel like you need to concentrate on your own households.. and stop dating.. but a clear and calm conversation about this between you is probably over due.
DH has to know his kid
Is on a troubled path. Working long hours is no excuse. This is a real test of your relationship. A test of your upcoming marrage. He has to do something. Cut his hours to parent his kid. Give SS back to his BM. Or who knows.
This is a look at how your marriage will go. SS has a mother and father, you are not one of them. It's there job to handle SS. If anyone wants to live in your home. They must respect you. Your the queen. They don't have to like you, but Must respect you and your home
'Maybe marriage should be out on hold there are two other kids
'I always wonder why the real reason the first marriage failed. Not there line what they give you. Maybe SO lack of doing anything had a major. Impact on his first marriage. Since his ex was handling everything she didn't need him. Doing nothing '''isnt sexey'''
Definitely Put Wedding On Hold
You are just now realizing a huge red flag in your relationship. It needs to be taken care of NOW. YOU need to SEE your SO being a real father, giving his son strong and hard truths and get the drugs out of your home. I don't know about the UK but drugs found in a home here in the USA can get your kids removed from the home. Your children are also being subject to cruel behaviors.
Me? I'd have a serious discussion with my SO with time limits. His son needs to be out of the home at 18 so he needs to get busy saving money and getting a full time job. In the mean time, if he wants to continue living in your home, some serious rules and boundaries need to be put into place. As for you....start with your Plan B. Its not I don't think your SO can make the necessary changes he needs to protect you and his other children, it's will he? So many of these men are DisneyLand dads, always overlooking horrifc behaviors in the kids.
Best to you.