My 17 1/2 year old stepson is destroying my Marriage

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I’ve been the full time custodial step parent to my current 17 1/2 year old for the past 13 years. His mom of her own choosing has not had contact with him since he was 7. I mean. nada!! No birthday card, no hey how are you letter, not even paying her child support of $120 a month. Yes you read that right. When he was 13 is when the real issues started. Now at soon to be 18 he has become horrible to live with. He does not do his school work unless monitored, he fabricates stories, manipulates his father and grandparents, has stolen money out of our wallets, refuses to get a job, does not shower nor clean his room at all. The hygiene has been so bad. My daughter and his bedrooms are upstairs. She does not want to have friends over to ply in her room because the stent has from his room is so strong. I am at my wits end. I have tried to be polite but he curses at me yells at me and comes at me. He does not do this when his dad is home. My biggest concern is the overall safety and well being of my daughter. My husband leaves this weekend for his job and will not be back until July. I am already stressing. Each time my husband leaves for his job by son makes it a point to act out to the extreme. From “running away” to telling the school I punched him in the mouth. (Note: he had his friend punch him in his face) to the school then calling CPS on me twice in less then 2 years. All because I asked him to clean his room and do his work. He didn’t like that the consequences of not doing then I took his phone and PlayStation. I have expressed my concern to my husband whom for some reason through all the years with my son he never has my back. In fact I become the nagging bitch in both their eyes. With our daughter my husband and I are on the same page. I expect her to clean up after herself and do her homework. To be respectful. The only big difference is that expect my son who is 8 years older than her to do it without being told. To help out a bit more. Now the law take out the garbage. I’m sick to my stomach with my husband leaving this eeekend as I know once he is gone much stepson will be hossible to live with. I refuse to give him his PlayStation or phone until he cleans his room and is doing well in school (not expecting 100’s Just expecting him to hand in his work and try his best. He LOVES causing turmoil with my husband and I. The last time he stayed at my in laws because it was unbearable having him home. It’s unfair to my daughter to see how he talks to me. He even acts out towards her. I have already told him that if he goes to threaten me or hit me I will call the cops. Again, up until he was 14 he and I were fine. I initially blamed it on the early teenage years and hormones but what it is now is that he is never held accountable by anyone but me. It’s betond frustrating. I have grown to resent him and hate when he is home. He keeps saying he is moving out when he turns 18. He has no job or money. My inlaws mother in law would probably take him in because he manipulates her so much. She can’t see what he’s doing. If he does move out to their house it will cause a breakup in our marriage and family. I’m not perfect by any means and yes I could parent better in a lot of ways. My worst trait is that I can’t let it go when he is so hurtful and disrespectful. I don’t trust him at all. I refused to get I’m driving lessons until his grades went up so instead my mother in law got it for him for Christmas. I’ve alrrady told him that if he gets his license that is one thing. He will not be put on our insurance not have the right to use any of the vehicles. I already hide the kyeys at night. I am rambling on and I apologize but I honestly don’t know why to do. Anyone else have advise?’bb

The lack of support from your

The lack of support from your DH is fueling a lot of this. Your toleration of it makes it continue. I suggest you personally get some counseling to help you determine some important next steps and some deeper insight in to your situation....hugs to you and wishing you the best

Why do you keep your daughter

Why do you keep your daughter in what is clearly a dangerous situation? He "comes" at you and "acts out" at your daughter - it is only a matter of time until he physically hurts one of you. If CPS believes him the next time he calls, they could remove your daughter from your home.

As far as what to do - at the very least refuse to keep him when your DH is gone for 6 months. At the most you should reconsider your living situation even when your DH is home. You need to put your daughter's safety above all else.

He gets in my face and says

He gets in my face and says go ahead hit me. As for my daughter he just acts like an asshole to her. I’m trying to do the right thing for everyone. I have no family to turn to of my own. It’s literally just me. I love my husband, daughter and I’ve tried so hard to love my ss. We’ve been through thebpattern of his behavior. He will be “good” for month so my husband backs down and then the next 6minths are hell. He is a master manipulator. I kicked my husband out with him 2ywars ago for 4 months. At which point things were looking good. Counseling etc. as you can see by what I am writing it is short lived. I’m to the point that I have already re drafted a separation agreement. If my ss does anything I will be calling my inlaws in Florida to come home from their vactauon to have him stay there. I have total disconnect from my ss. The hardest part is when he was little he and I were Very close. The past 4 1/2 years have been hell.

Again, why do you keep your

Again, why do you keep your daughter in this situation? Why should she live with someone who treats her so poorly? Use that separation agreement and get you and your daughter out of this dysfunctional and potentially dangerous situation. Read "DDay Anniversary" in the blog section for inspiration.

“I have no family to turn to

“I have no family to turn to of my own. It’s literally just me.”

So that means that your daughter has no one but you. Please think about that for a moment. She has only you to protect her and you are failing her.
Send SS to his grandparents.

I agree that the lack of

I agree that the lack of support fuels this. We’ve been to counseling over the years. It has come to the point that it’s thrown in my face that I came from an abusive home. Extremely so. I’ve always been upfront and honest to both my husband and stepson about that. He has actually used MY life experiences of abuse and claimed them as his own towards friends and family. When CPS has been contacted o me nothing was warranted. I did none of it and the truth came out from him at a later date like when he had his friend punch him in the face. Also the type of job my husband has he has no choice but to go away for months. My inlaws go down to Florida during this time so it’s just me. I told my husband that if at any point I feel threatened I will be calling the cops. At that point my son will be 18 and face the consequences as an adult. When my son isn’t around my husband, daughter and I are great. My husband parents with me with our daughter that is the biggest difference. With my ss he has guilt because his ex basically abandoned her son. My son through counseling has self destructive behavior and treats women other than his grandma horribly. He does not value women. I personally feel that he has a mental disorder. But because legal he is not mind i could not get him psychiatrilly evaluated. The last family counselor recommended it but my husband would not do it. Mind you my ss is extremely smart. Can get 90’s on test without opening a book. He is a great creative writer. I tried to get him into classes or promote hisbinterest but nada. My husband feels that my ss is “ just a teenager”. Let me ask you— if your son created an account pretending to be a girl as a joke and uses it to manipulate people wouldnyou be ok with that?! When he was told 3!years ago to not do that. I find out yesterday he had another account. He was interested in the medical field at one point and I told him that’s great and to look into a course or class on topics that interest him. He wanted to get andisecting kit and disect frogs and animals in my back yard. I was like WTF that’s psychotic and will NOT happen. I was told I was preventing his interests and growth as an individual.

What a mess. Your H, as a

What a mess.

Your H, as a custodial parent, has no business working a job that takes him away from his kids for MONTHS. Leaving you to cope with your volatile SS is cruel, neglectful, and irresponsible. Why do you allow this???

The tone of your post makes you sound like a helpless passenger on a crazy train heading for Dysfunction Junction, but you're a grown woman with a daughter to protect so I don't understand why you've given all your power away. Why do you stay and subject your daughter to this stress and strife??

Oh my I would send him to

Oh my I would send him to your MIL's and take the fall out with DH. This abuse has to stop, and your daughter and yourself need to be protected. If your DH cannot see that, then too bad. You will be far better off on your own. Your daughter is witnessing this abuse, the emotional scars on her will be forever damaging.
If he will lie and slander you to authorities, physically hurt you, only more to come. Nothing good can come out of this situation. Kick him out, now!!!

I agree with this, kick him

I agree with this, kick him out! He says go ahead and hit me, this is an offer I would find hard to resist.

You are all making incredibly

You are all making incredibly valid points. A lot is easier said then done. The job he has is what puts food on the table and pays the bills. I am a very strong women how does not tolerate things like it may seem I do. It is to the point where I don’t want to constantly fight about my ss. It is the ONLY thing we truly argument about aside from little stuff. My issue is that my husband takes my ss side. I genuinely care about my ss. I can try to disengage but i don’t. . I want us all to get along and work things out but he Genuinely likes when we argue about him. He will smirk because he knows what bothers me and do it anyway. My DH loves his kids but as I tell him by not giving consequences to bad actions or at the least just backing me up it’s. It loving my ss. It simply giving him what he wants so he doesn’t leave. Self admitted my DH knows he has no relationship with my son but he wants one so he gives in. The only time my SS spends time with my husband is when I take all electrics away. He will come watch tv with him or fabricate stories to sway my husband from getting mad at him. My DH gets mad because I’m blunt and after the million time trying to talk about the issue or ask my son nicely I will yell at both of them. I try not to bother. I try not to care. The therapist said that I do babdly want to fix things and make things right that I will 9 times out of 10 put myself down to lift them up. That I only fight back and yell when the emotional toll is so high and it’s a last resort. He said that If I didn’t issue consequences to my son that he would be either o drugs, failing out of school etc. I do feel terrible that his mom basically abandoned him and I don’t want o be the other one to abandon him. It’s difficuy to explain and overall a lot more complex then me just walking away with my daughter.

Read the post DDay

Read the post DDay Anniversary. Its inspiring how capable and strong a person becomes when need be. Tolerating threats and physical violence is often a red line for people. Only you can decide that.
I wish you the best of luck.

Send the almost adult with

Send the almost adult with his father. Wherever that may be. Your DH managed to do something with his son for the four months you kicked them both out of your house. Your DH can figure out something for the next six months.

All of the above. Your

All of the above. Your husband is the root cause of these problems with your SS. Your SS is at risk of progressing to physical abuse.

Your DH needs to be around for his son period.

Heck, I’d ship this mini monster down to his grandparents now and spend the next 6 months coming up with my exit plan.

I don’t put up with the terrible parenting your husband is showing your SS. Not the lack of respect your DH is showing you. No way in heck I’d put up with a kid like this, and would refuse this 6 months of hell.

You seem like a very kind person and you don’t deserve or need this.

Edited to add: not arguing is not a happy marriage. A happy marriage is one where you partner loves and supports you first and foremost and believes you before others.

If it’s a matter of money, get your own job to put food on your table. It’s up to your DH to support his son, but you give too much power away if he can hold money/finances over you.
Hugs!

I am sad for you and this

I am sad for you and this time last year I was pretty much in the same boat. I was under so much stress from my SS that I became ill. Step Talk is the only place that I had to vent. Things went from bad to worse. I kept going to my husband and he would just say that he would talk to him. At the end as much as I loved my husband I was ready to get a divorce. I had installed cameras and SS used that forum to call me every vulgar and degrading name that you could think of. I packed my suitcases and moved out. I was prepared to get a divorce. I had had enough of SS. I did try with SS. Even sat him down to have a heart to heart but nothing worked. He was just determined to do what ever and say what ever. Rules and laws did not apply to him. His goal was to be defiant of any and all rules. He was a liar. He was lazy and disgusting. He was dirty. He was extremely disrespectful. He was playing a game. Well guess what in the end our marriage survived and he is out of my house and out of my life. After what I went through with him I don't care if I ever see him as long as I live! And my SS like yours was never held accountable by anyone, ever!
I have no advise for you because you see I took a gamble on walking out. That could have gone either way and I was prepared for that because I simply couldn't go on the way that things were. DH and I were fighting all of the time because of SS. Maybe go on your own to speak with a professional and also to protect yourself. Make a plan that if something goes wrong you will know what to do. Personally I would go in his room and clean it when he is out one day. I did that a few times because I couldn't take it anymore. You may have the upper hand though with your DH being gone. I would wait until he leaves, clean SS's room, give SS everything back and tell him that you are starting out with a clean slate. He has a clean room and he has everything back. If he wants to keep everything he is expected to do A,B and C. If he does not then everything will be taken away and the only way that he will get it back is to earn it back. It is then up to him right? Look at him as an employee. You are preparing him for that world. He is turning 18 and will soon be out on his own. Chores are just a way of preparing him to have his own place. Use this opportunity to teach him life skills. I tried this with SS. He actually did have an interest initially as I was teaching him how to make a bed and how to do laundry and how to budget and how to write a check etc. Try to look at it as a challenge. Maybe with DH gone it will actually be better as you will be in charge. It will be your way or the highway. Good luck to you!

Thank you for this info. I

Thank you for this info. I actually sat down with SS and DH last night and wrote up the rules and consequences list. A basic breakdown of what is expected. They both listened and both agreed to abide by it. Basic stuff like go to school be respectful do your homework try your best. Shower without being told to do so. Saturday and Wednesday are laundry days. He’s expected o was his dirty clothes. I do t care if clean clothes sit in the laundry basket but they need to be clean. Saturday mornings he’s not sleeping till the afternoon. He will be up by 10 am and taking care of his chores. After that he is free to nap, go out etc. if he can’t follow then he has my full blessing to get a job and move out. As for the cleaning the room the first week in February I’m redoing his room and my daughters. They are acutllqy switch rooms. He had had the larger master bedroom, 57 inch tv, refrigerator. Aka collage doemcdream come true. But for the past 4 years cold but maintain it. Now he will be I the smaller room and can earn back a TV etc. my daughter also has sleepover with friends and needs a larger room. Hopfuelky a smaller room for him he can manage better. If not I’ll convert it to a guest room. He will have a clean slate. New furniture new bed new carpet. It will be clean. If he can’t maintain it then he needs to go. If you don’t mind me asking where is he now?! I have a feeling my ss is going to go look for his bio Mom and live with her. It’s going to devastate my husband if that happens but that is my guy instinct. She will then use the poor kid and guilt him into taking care of her. He will do it because he’s believe he genuinely wants her in his life even though she had never been a part I it. I’ve taught him to cook, do laundry, tried showing him to maintain money which was pointless, make a bed, etc. at this point they both signed the “contract” with the understanding if he cannot do hide it hunts. He will not have his phin, PlayStation etc. if it gets really bad then he needs to leave. My DH told him he needs to man up and do the simple things that are expecrefn of him. Please note that these same things I show my daughter who is 9. She has to clean her room and help out with chores. We are starting the laundry routine with her. But she knows how to separate her laundry and being down her dirty clothes to the laundry room. She dusts and cleans on her own without be told. So st least I’m doing something right with her. I

Proud of you for doing that,

Proud of you for doing that, yet dubious your SS will follow through as he sounds a lot like mine. Continue to trust your gut. I am in a somewhat similar situation with SS17 - lazy, manipulative, liar, disrespectful, won't brush his teeth, do laundry, change sheets, his one daily chore, get a drivers license, job-hunt, stop smoking weed, cutting school, flaking out on the haircut appointments I made multiple times, stays with friends when he lies & says he's visiting his BM, did I mention his room smells like nas-T-ness? I love that kid & want so much more for him, but he's gonna have to live with the decisions he makes. I'd love to see him accomplish employment, transportation (car parked out front, just needs a job so he can afford insurance & gas, plus a drivers license), and basic good hygiene but thankfully, my DH sees thru a lot more ofSS17's bullshit and has just recently confronted SS17, spelled it out, and backed me up.

If it wasn't for DH being willing to see SS how he is, instead of how DH wants SS to be, I could NOT take it. But I can relate to so much in what you wrote & agree with others this is intolerable and has to change.

My SS will be 18 next month.

My SS will be 18 next month. He has a Grade 10 Education. BM decided she couldnt handle him anymore and dropped him off in a parking lot and was told to go to a shelter- this past summer. SO was majorly pissed however at the same time over the moon that SS would now live with us. BIGGEST Mistake I have made.
Maybe it is a teenage boy thing that they lie, are messy, dirty, disrespectful, manipulative, angry etc- but i believe they are this way because of a lack of accountability and everyone bailing them out.
I personally would tell your husband he is to stay with his grandparents while you are away, anyone that threatens someone that if x doesnt happen its over.Is either: immature, selfish or they dont care about your relationship. I would do it- send him there and I guarantee you, you and your husband will still be married. And if he does leave, he will come to his senses and beg you to come back.
I am on the verge of doing something drastic. I love my SO but i cannot continue with his past coming to haunt me, whether it be every couple of years to a few months, its never anything positive from that side.
Good Luck, stand your ground and when your husband does come back, lay the law! SS is to move out, find a job, etc...live with his grandparents.

Don't jeopardize leaving him

Don't jeopardize leaving him with your daughter. He has resentment and anger issues, can't be trusted, very hormonal age. Reading these posts makes me realize and learn about how I'm feeling also and what I am fearing. Thank you for your post.

Why is your SO leaving for

Why is your SO leaving for four or five months ??? Has kid and he should take care of him, Not you
He has to get another Job and stay home.

PEPPER SPRAY!!! The next time

PEPPER SPRAY!!! The next time he bows up on you/"comes at" you hose him down. Then while he is screaming and flopping around on the floor call the police and have them haul him off in hand cuffs.

Lather,rinse, repeat.

His mommy issues, or lack of a mommy for that matter, not withstanding.... his behavior is his choice and he needs to feel the complete and full pain of the consequences for his choices. He is no longer a 13yo, he is nearly 18 and as such should be forced to own his decisions.

Good luck.