Letter to Dh from SD17
A couple of days ago, DH talked to SD17. She said that for a paper, she had to write about en event that changed her life. SD wrote about when she found out that DH was not her bio dad.
(background-BM told Dh that he was the father- fast forward 10 yrs, she needed more money for cell phone and Dh was driving trucks and would not be back until the next week; cell phone is cut off and BM files for official child support. If not married, GA makes Dh and kids take DNA test. The truth finally comes out and Dh is not SD's bio dad but is SS15's bio dad.)
SD begins story with "my daddy." She tells a story of when Dh did not want SD's "real bio dad" to see her. She calls Dh "daddy" at the beginning of the story. By the end, Dh is being referred to as "that man." The kids do not know the real story behind why BM and Dh broke up but they do know that SD is not Dh's bio child. This obviously has forged a wedge between Dh and SD. They do not talk often; when they do, SD always has an attitude. It was weird to see this girl so happy and smiling at my wedding in April, w/o her mother, and to see this girl in June with an attitude and mad at the world when she is with her mom.
Dh has not as of yet talked to BM about these lies.In reality, she has lied to this girl for her entire life. BM told SD that Dh only wanted to test her not her brother. GA wanted to test the kids, not DH. If it was up to DH, he would not not wanted to know. IDK why, I'm guessing because he had already become attached to SD as her father. Dh said that he tried to talk to SD last week, but she does not want to talk about the event. I have no idea what to do. He has not idea what to do either. I am just really tired of seeing him mope around the house because of it. Not being able to help the situation is killing me.
That is a sad story for SD
That is a sad story for SD and DH. When this happen, did DH still pay child support as if she was his daughter. If he did not, I can understand why SD may feel abandoned. It is not DH's fault that BM lied but not SD's fault either. If he still supported her as his daughter, I would think she would come around in time. It is so true...BM is GOD to most skids.
Good Luck!
Oh, I'm really sorry. A teen
Oh, I'm really sorry. A teen girl learning all of this info is likely to have a hard time sorting through this.
Why has it developed a wedge between DH and SD? Has DH reassured her that he still loves her and is still her father?
I like this. It lets her see
I like this. It lets her see how he feels and understand it from the other side, without making her defensive about BM.
They found out ten yrs ago
They found out ten yrs ago that sd wasnt dh's. Ever since then sd has this grudge against dh BC of what bm has told her. Dh stopped paying csupport on behalf of sd but was involved in her life. There was a time when dh want apart of with kids but for other reasons. I know that dh and sd need to talk about it and sd needs to know about the lies but no one wants to be the first one to tell the truth. Dh doesn't want to hurt sd anymore than she is already hurting. Im trying to get him to write the letter or at least entertain the idea. I would usually step back and let him handle it on his own but I hate seing him in pain over this.
beaccountable-love that sn by the way. I agree that bm needs to be exposed. Im not going to.be the one to do it respectively;however she does need to beheld acountable for her actions. She lied and was greedy. She played dh and continuously lied to and ss since neither of them know this story in it's entirety.
This is BMs fault...not your
This is BMs fault...not your DH. Unfortunately, SD will lash out at him, because, well, in her mind he is not her father. This is going to take some time, and SD may or may never accept him.
My best friend found out that her dad was not her father when she was about 14. She was going through some pictures, and saw a picture of her mom pregnant with some other guy, and asked who it was. Mom, without thinking, blurted out that was her father! Needless to say, mom suddenly realized what she just did, and a long conversation followed. After that, tensions between my friend and her dad where high. Now, in her case, he also lied to her, because he knew he wasn't her biological father, but had done it out of love. See, her biological father ran out of the picture before she was born. My friend's dad was actually a good friend of her mom's, and he really did love her (even when she was with the other guy, he knew that the guy was not treating her right). When the biological father split, he wanted to marry my friend's mom and be a father to her child, as he didn't want her to go through the stigma of being an unwed mother and he didn't want her child to go without a father. Like I said...his heart was in the right place.
The tensions were so bad, that my friend's parents ended up divorcing. Some years later, when my friend's dad found out he was dying of cancer, she repaired her relationship with him. He and her mom did end up remarrying as part of all the relationship healing (not that this will ever happen in your case, as in this case, the lie about my friend's parentage and her reaction to it was the reason for the breakdown of the marriage). My friend's dad did end up dying because of his cancer, but he had a few years with my friend in their mended relationship before he had passed, and he passed being fully forgiven by my friend, as, after getting older, she was able to understand why he did what he did...that he only wanted to give her a father that loved her.
Wow, I just want DH to have
Wow, I just want DH to have the relationship that he needs/wants/deserves/ with SD. I do not think that this can happen until everything is out in the open and the real healing process can begin.