Last chance - how to disengage? AND should I give her a ride ?
Hi all. Some advice would be appreciated please ! We live with 18yo SD. Have done for 1.5years. She is a typical teenager - lazy, opinionated, rude, messy, ungrateful. DH (been together for 14.5 years, married for 10.5) is typical father - feels guilty for divorce (even though it was 14 years ago), prefers to not rock the boat and ask her to do things cause she yells and moans so much, thinks the sun shines out of her backside, etc etc. I want her to move out (she wants to move out too - she says she wants freedom, but I expect it's because I'm always yelling at her to tidy up, be respectful etc). My thoughts are at the moment that she goes or I go, but I understand that living with her father is just awesome for her (or would be if he set ground rules). I am going to try to disengage and step out completely of the parenting role, but I just need confirmation that I can say to her that the dishes are to be done every night after dinner, that the communal areas are kept tidy at all times, that she speaks to every one respectfully. But how do I manage the anger I feel at the fact that she is always home (she goes out about once a week) and that she is ALWAYS in my space - from the minute I get up in the morning to the time I go to bed, and how this means that DH and I don't get any time alone - she is always there.
Also .... (sorry, long post)... it suits her and DH for me to take her into work with me every morning as I work close to her university. The bus goes the same route as I do, and is not expensive. But, I just hate having her with me in the mornings. It is the only time that I can be alone and the person I resent most in the world is now mucking that up for me. DH thinks that I am just being a nasty horrible person to not take her, but it's really doing my head in! It seems right from the very minute I wake up in the morning, SHE is there, in my face and in my space.
Hpefully someone will be able to help me ? Cheers, Alex
Certain personalities
Certain personalities (introverts) need time alone to recharge their batteries. I have been driving my own beloved son to his university every work morning this summer and it's wearing on me. I am a person that needs alone time and this was the only alone time I had. I completely relate and I do think you should get her to start riding the bus.
What you are describing about disengaging is not disengaging. She is 18 now, there's no more worry of stepping on parental toes and it's high time for you to take charge of your house. Hold a family meeting, be prepared with a list of chores and expectations and sit down with them to hash this out.
You set the ground rules, this link I used when it was determined that my son was going to need to live at home this summer and would be attending his college. http://www.empoweringparents.com/Rules-Boundaries-and-Older-Children.php
There needs to be a plan of how this kid is going to launch into her own adult life. Specific timelines. Or else you will be moving out to save your sanity.
Can you go to work earlier or
Ignore her. Announce "OK everyone, I am cleaning up in 15 minutes. Everything left in the kitchen/dining room/living room/ lounge will be put in a rubbish bag. Starting NOW!" Then you give her 15 minutes (actually give her 17 minutes) and then start tossing her crap in the rubbish bag. Then put it into her room and shut the door.
Then take your DH out to dinner. And ask him how long is he prepared to make excuses for SD being nasty and mean because she comes from a divorced family. No one has died, she is luckier than most kids. Reinforce how you would love to see her a fully functioning adult in society and how much potential she would have on her own. Blah blah blah. Maybe even suggest that he pays the first 3 months of rent for her to share a flat and then she can get a 'little part time job' and become more self supporting.
See, she has no idea of the effort one has to make to live day to day. This is also found in kids from intact families although usually BOTH parents cover for the kid and make sure they never suffer any of lifes little hardships. She has not had to go wityhout a meal to put petrol in a non-existent car. And maybe that may be the place to start. Does she have a drivers licence? Maybe offer to buy her a car? I would do just about ANTHING to get her out of your house.
Your life was my life. SD16
Your life was my life. SD16 did everything you describe. They are not silly. They are primitive territorial wierd little souls. Therie biggest agenda is their Daddy. She is playing to win. She is trying to be in your territory like a female gorilla until you back down. That's why they do not go out and do not have lives and just happen to need lifts and want to hang with you or your husband or both of you all the time. Mine even wanted to come running when my husband and I went running (back then running was one of our only escapes from her) even though she hates exercise.
Guilty Dads drive me crazy.
I understand and feel your pain.
I went and saw an expert in blended family situations. It really helped me.
Pretend to get out first of all. Come home looking refreshed and alive and happy. Draw up boundaries. Can you fake having a work client or something that means you do not have to drive that same route every day? Make something up if you need to. "Oh i am sorry I can't give you a lift next week. I am working off site for a while." Can you need to pick up a friend in need on the way. Whatever. Just do it to break the cycle whiel you draw up your plan. believe me you need a plan with this girl you describe.
Turn the tables. Make the focus her lack of social life and activities. Put this front and centre of your household's agenda.
Protect yourself.
Do one step at a time. Pick the one thing that bugs you the most and find an answer to that.
As you start winning believe me she will understand that the power balance has shifted. She will fight hard so do not doubt yourself. These are sad little girl women but that is not our fault.
Go for it. Be strong. Be clever.