I can only be part when it's convention
My husband's 15-yr old SD moved in with us about 9 mos ago. She was living with the wicked witch of the east (her mother) and SF full time, but due to her not getting along with them, she moved in with us full time. My 20 yr old daughter was living with us, but moved out because she couldn't take the tension in the house that the SD causes. She is a MAJOR DRAMA QUEEN and feels like she should always be receiving attention, even if it is negative. I also have a 14 yr old son in the house that goes back n forth weekly to his dad's house. He is starting to not want to come home. The evil SD constantly talks back and argues with her father. She lies, steals and constantly says "It wasn't me", when you know it was. When she is given a chore to do, yes A chore, she complains and stomps around like a 5 yr old or tries to deflect and say "Why doesn't (her step brother) have to do it?". She hardly ever smiles, except when she is trying to manipulate and get something from her father. Then all of a sudden she is sweet, smiling and happy. As soon as she receives what she wants, she goes back to the scowl. She absolutely has nothing to complain about. She was welcomed by everyone in the house when she moved in and chose to separate herself, then complains that we exclude her.. Not true! She has nice clothes, plays a sport in school, is allowed to go be with her friends, etc. We have a two story house and she will come down to the landing of the stairs and just stand there (doesn't say anything) hoping someone will pay attention to her. If we don't, she goes back upstairs. Her room is absolutely disgusting. She has no respect for the nice room we set up for her. She ruined her nightstand just two weeks after we bought it for her from her drinks that she would bring in her room. After that, she was told not to bring food/drinks to her room, so she would sneak them up there. We found food wrappers, cups, candy, etc. all hiding under her bed and in the drawers. She doesn't listen. She leaves a mess in the kitchen or at the table, and expects everyone else to pick up after her. Her dad THREATENS to take away her things but doesn't do it. And, she knows it. When I try to ask her to do/not do things, I am told that he will take care of it. I am just to be her friend and bond. How can I bond with a SD that totally disrespects my/our rules/authority??? But, I am to pick her up from school, drive her to her sport practices and doctor's appts. Hmm...sounds like a matter of convenience to me.
When I try to talk to him about it, he gets defensive. It's not like he doesn't scold her or try to discipline her, but he gives in to her WAY TOO MUCH.
I love my husband, but I am soooo ready to leave. Before the evil SD, I had to deal with a lot of bull from the wicked witch of the east. That has finally settled down, but now it's this. I feel like it isn't even my home anymore. I stay late at work, or do other things to occupy myself, because I don't want to go home. I pay the bills, so it's not like my husband pays for everything and rules the house.
What should I do?????
I just realized it says
I just realized it says Convention! But it should say Convenient!!
Learn to just say no. If he
Learn to just say no. If he wants to be the only one that can discipline her, the. He needs to be the only one taking care of all her crap too. He needs to deal with her after school stuff, her homework, her having chores, her drs appts, her laundry and her meals. Don't pick up after her, don't go in her room, don't do anything you don't Want to do. And when your H has a fit, tell him that you're not the maid and he'd made it very clear that he doesn't want you to parent his daughter, and that's ok, but he doesn't get to have his cake and eat it too.
If she directly disrespects you or your kid, call her on it right away. If H has an issue, tell hi. He's not getting the job done and you're not going to be mistreated in your own home.
You're ready to leave anyway, he's not going to like it one little bit but what do you have to lose? Research disengaging. It may or may not save your marriage, but it will certainly help save your sanity. I think your bigger problem is that your H is okay with you being disrespected. And I'd straight up tell him I'm not interested in being friends with a child that treats me and my home like crap. If he wants bonding, he needs to parent her so that she's someone a non-blood relative would want to bond with. No one wants to cuddle the porcupine.
Yup! spot on Dtzy!! We have
Yup! spot on Dtzy!! We have the same deal set up in our situation. I have a teen Son who is very reserved and shy. SD-13 is very outspoken, messy and loves to give her dad sass. SS is 10 and very shy also - he keeps his room clean and is very respectful. It would drive me bonkers to try and discipline her - but that's NOT my role - they already have a mom and a dad who are responsible for their upbringing.
DH parents HIS kids and I parent mine. It works for us. NONE of the kids are allowed to disrespect us - we both pull them up if they do that. DH is strict with SD and will make her clean her room over and over until he's satisfied.
Your DH has to pull his head out of his ass and start being a responsible parent to his kids. That way, you don't feel guilty for how they behave and sooner, rather than later, your DH will realise the effort it takes.
Hoping like hell, for your sake, things work out.
Your SD sounds EXACTLY like
Your SD sounds EXACTLY like my SS teen. Damien incarnated.
I learned from these fine ladies here that the only thing I could do was disengage, communicate to teen only through DH. DH needs to delegate her chores, keep her mouth in check in front of the other kids, take away her stuff & ground her if she doesn't follow, cook her meals, clean/ launder for her, pay for her & deal with her high drama. DH will soon tire of this quickly & come to terms with it sooner than you know.
Explain to your kids & tell then to disengage with her too. I don't even want my adult BD anywhere near SS but we've had many conversations about him that she understands not to take anything personally.
Are you going through some court battles too? I still am & I wished I never allowed skid to slither into my home.
Join the club! What you
Join the club! What you describe is the same as many, if not most SM's deal with...don't discipline my kid, but DO the running and the errands, etc.
Can't you make the SD ride a bus from school? Because if you are picking her up at school, Dh must be at work, which means you are stuck being responsible for a kid you aren't allowed to teach.
My dh and BM agreed on this after school garbage. (Dh and BM do a week on and a week off with the SD). The after school club ends at 4:30, I get home around 1 or 2 most weekdays. BM doesn't really work much, but wants nothing to do with her kid if it's not her week. Well, the dh and BM said yes that their kid could join this club without discussing it with me, and when dh told me "SD will have to be picked up at 4:30 every Tues and Thurs" I said, "Oh,so you'll have to leave work 45 minutes early to pick her up then, wont you" He got PISSED OFF! I said, well, maybe next time you will include me in the discussion instead of taking for granted that I will automatically pick up your slack" Kid had to drop out of the club and I dont feel a damn bit bad about it because this kid is a nightmare.
My advice to you is to tell DH no. Tell him when SD starts treating you, your son, and your home with respect and you are allowed to discipline her, you will consider being her personal driver.
And the cleaning up after herself...quit doing it. Go on strike. Live in absolute filth for about a month and maybe dh will understand that you are not the house-n WORD.
bwaahahahhaa Jellymean! I
bwaahahahhaa Jellymean! I LOVE the fact that you told DH where to go - way to make him wake up to the fact that you ain't a taxi driver! ON ya!!
BM has enrolled both kids into activities also. SD has tennis on Wed nights beginning at 7pm and goes for an hour. SS has music lessons each Friday that starts at 6pm. Oh the fun! There is no way - EVER!! would i be driving them to ANY of these activities! Oh - and sometimes SD has to play tennis on a Saturday so there goes THAT weekend when it happens.
I've already noticed that this is grinding on DH's nerves - especilly when he has to leave work early when its his turn to take them. But - thats the price you pay when yuo wanna raise entitled children - personally, I think it would be much healthier for us all to do activities together on the weekend - like hiking, swimming, picnics, visiting places together etc.. but that's just me.
When I try to ask her to
When I try to ask her to do/not do things, I am told that he will take care of it. I am just to be her friend and bond.
This right here is why I disengaged. I felt that if I couldn't treat her like my child and have any say in the correction of SD then I sure wasn't going to act like she was my kid when it came to the fun stuff.
Thank you all for your
Thank you all for your comments!
I have already stopped picking up after her. The house is filthy and I'm hating it, but I won't do it anymore. My husband has noticed because he has started doing the dishes, etc. He's knows it's his kid making the mess. The sad part is that he yells at her and she has become numb to it. I recommended to him to take her phone away as soon as she talked back to him. He tried it twice and it worked. But, he then gave it back to her 30 minutes later because she was being nice! He's now gone back to just threatening to take it away.
She has a whole book of bus passes. He was the one to suggest originally that she take the bus since we both work, but I think she's only used about 5 of them. It was windy the other day and so he picked her up because he didn't want her waiting in the wind!! I wanted to be sick to my stomach when he said that.
We are doing the You discipline yours and I'll discipline mine thing. I have reiterated to my son to definitely not listen to the crap that comes out of her mouth. If she comes into his room, to tell her to get out. When he has done that, she runs to daddy to tell him he is being rude to her.
She constantly talks back and argues with her dad. I can't stand it! I want so badly to say something. All of this is building up in me and I am so afraid I am going to just let loose one day.
Your hubby is raising an
Your hubby is raising an entitled brat. She is going to grow up and be a leach on society. He is NOT doing her any favours by wrapping her in cotton wool. How's she going to handle being an adult? Is he going to rush to her rescue every time she has a boo boo? Your comment about him picking her up from school because it was windy is a big red flag to me..
Click on this link - print it out and give it to your DH to read.
.. following is a paragraph for the link below..
Parents over-involved with their children's feelings, however, may not be able to tolerate their child's temporary disappointment or distress. So in the moment they may feel compelled to stop what they're doing to comfort or cheer up the child, or to rush out to buy the child some undeserved present, or to do anything else they imagine will bring a smile to their child's face. Obviously, such deference to the child's disgruntled state, besides teaching them nothing about handling brief periods of disappointment, also stifles their creative ability to move beyond their dispirited emotions. Later, as adults easily irked, vexed, or bored, they tend to wear out the patience of others--who, unlike their parents, don't at all share the compulsion to subjugate themselves to such grumbling or testiness”
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/evolution-the-self/200909/child-enti...
I want to thank you for this
I want to thank you for this link. I read it and am planning on printing it out for my DH. I think he's starting to see on his own, but I think this will help too.
Holy shit, you wrote my EXACT
Holy shit, you wrote my EXACT STORY!?!?! This is word for WORD my exact situation and YOU wrote it!:
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She was welcomed by everyone in the house when she moved in and chose to separate herself, then complains that we exclude her.. Not true! She has nice clothes, plays a sport in school, is allowed to go be with her friends, etc. We have a two story house and she will come down to the landing of the stairs and just stand there (doesn't say anything) hoping someone will pay attention to her. If we don't, she goes back upstairs. Her room is absolutely disgusting. She has no respect for the nice room we set up for her. She ruined her nightstand just two weeks after we bought it for her from her drinks that she would bring in her room. After that, she was told not to bring food/drinks to her room, so she would sneak them up there. We found food wrappers, cups, candy, etc. all hiding under her bed and in the drawers. She doesn't listen. She leaves a mess in the kitchen or at the table, and expects everyone else to pick up after her. Her dad THREATENS to take away her things but doesn't do it. And, she knows it. When I try to ask her to do/not do things, I am told that he will take care of it.
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Seriously, the part about the landing is CREEPY. We have 4 other kids in the house that ALLLLLLLLLLL get along and are constantly in each other's rooms and playing together or just hanging out together. Oldest SD11 never wants anything to do with them, but then complains that they "leave her out". What a doucheeeeeeeeeeeeeee. After mine stands on the landing for a bit, she'll call her mom and tell her how boring it is at our house. You're bored?!?! GOOD! FUCKING LEAVE!!!!!!!!!!!