I am a "fixer" by nature. If there is a problem I NEED to fix it or I drive myself insane. Here's the situation:

SD (14)was living with my DH and I because BM couldn't afford to take care of her. She lived with us for 18 months. In the beginning she was a handful- attitude, bad grades, crying for mom constantly (didn't help that BM was telling her that we took her from her). Then things got better- attitude improved, grades were good, and she seemed to be seeing BM for what she was. Then it all changed in one instant! It was like overnight she became a holy terror again. Lying, promisuity, drugs (pot), and constant manipulation. The straw that broke the camels back was when she stole prescription meds from my DH and I to give to her punk boyfriend who had OD'd that very day on Vicodan. She didn't even know what she had taken from us- it was a baggie full of a rainbow of pills- including blood thinners and thyroid meds. That night was an explosion culminating in her going to her mothers and never coming back to our house except for weekends when she wanted something. That was 4 months ago. BM told us that everything she was doing was our fault and things would be so much better at her house. At BM's there are no rules, discipline, or boundaries. She was NEVER punished for what she did at our home. Everyone has just swept it under the rug except DH and I. Her counselor has since refused to see her anymore because of the lies that she told her during evry session. She is cutting again and mom refuses to admit it- we were told by the principal at school and BM said she was lying to get SD in trouble. She is failing every subject, is in ISS or OSS on a daily basis, is filthy, and needs major help. We asked BM to meet with us to talk about what needs to be done and her reply was "I'm handling it". I asked SD's grandmother (DH's mother) not to supply her with the extra "things" we had provided in our home (ie cell phone, laptop, contact lenses, etc) to let her mother provide those things so that SD might have an idea of what we did for her- I was totally ignored and she takes her shopping on a weekly basis. I'm over it!

Here's my question for all of you: How do I quit caring what happens to this kid? I mean if I quit caring then everyone thinks I'm the bitch SM that doesn't give a shit about this kid. But if I continue to care without the ability to change anything then I'm driving myself insane. And I literally have NO WAY to change anything. And please don't give me the "show her how much you love her and she'll turn around" bullcrap. I have showed that kid for years how much I love her- cooking her favorite meals, being at every softball event (that her mother didn't attend), going to the hospital everyday while she was locked in the psych ward for trying to commit suicide at her mom's (mom showed up twice to cry about how bad this looked on her as a mother), and countless other ways.

I'm tired of pretending that her behavior is ok. I guess I care because I love my husband and this is his child. I wouldn't want him to hate my kids or give up on them. But I believe he has thrown his hands up with this one. He does better with the "dont give a sh*t" attitude than I do. When I finally got to that point last week my MIL berated me for not loving SD as much as my own children and giving up on her but not them. It's all just ridiculous!!!