How to deal with ss14 who treats me (sm) and bd HORRIBLY in hopes we'll let him live with his bm who has no parental rights?
I'm new here. Ss14 is getting horrible grades, doesn't turn in assignments, talks back or won't talk at all. Tell him to do something and we just get this evil grin from him or he laughs at us. He's had many priveleges taken away due to bad grades, lying, etc. BM has now begun to talk to him about emancipation which he can't get in Ohio unless he gets married or joins the military. BM is encouraging his behavior. She won't believe her son would ever tell a lie although she taught him well by having him lie to creditors on the phone, hiding in the closet when the police came to arrest her (spent nearly 3 years in prison), told ss to tell us that her appendix burst and was in the hospital during his entire visit for spring break when she had really been taken to jail. SS was 10 at the time. HELP!! How do we get ss14 turned around at school and stop trying to go live with his bm which will NEVER happen?
Can you limit communication
Can you limit communication with BM? Only temporarily.... while he goes to see a counselor? He is at a very vulnerable age right now. Do you know his friends? Are they the type of friends you want him to hang with? How is DH with him? Are they close? BM is obviously a case......
I would start with some counseling if you are not able to reach him and if he will not do anything you ask him including his homework, etc....
His father must sit him down and tell him point blank, he will never be allowed to move back in with BM. And the reasons why. Explain he has only _____ years of High School left, and then he can decide what he wants to do with his life.
If you lose the school battle..... You might want to try the alternative school. Amazingly enough, sometimes they can get through to the kids.
You should also meet immediately with the school counselor and voice your concerns.
I would allow him to "earn" his privleges back by doing chores, getting a good grade on a test, etc....
Good luck.... man that's tough.
We are here for you!
Thank you! DH and I met with
Thank you! DH and I met with the school counselor about a week and a half ago. We set it up that he has to study at the kitchen table 2 hours each school night. No cell phone or ipod while studying. We've had to turn the laptop around so DH can see what he's doing while he studies.
DH also sat down and tried to talk to him that he is with us until he graduates high school and we want him to earn priveleges back with improving grades (we can check them online and get e-mail notices for any teacher concerns for missing assignments, failed tests/quizes) we told him all he is responsible for is doing his best at school and completing all assignments and study for his tests/quizes and doing his few chores around the house. DH told him we don't expect straight A's, just to work to his ability. (He's a very smart kid, just lazy) SS wouldn't listen to his dad and grabbed the phone to call BM. I suggested to DH that we limit the phone use to BM, haven't started that yet. SS does have good friends who get good grades and seem very polite and decent. At my wits end, sick of the drama!!
You're right, BM is tough. We've tried counseling for ss but he lies to them as coached by bm. I think they are trying to get DH to lose his temper and hit ss. (won't happen) but I think then they would claim abusive environment. I really don't trust bm at all.
ss plays himself as the
ss plays himself as the victim - even works with grandma which is frustrating too. Enough to have to deal with bm telling him we're too strict but to have grandma too!! UGH!!
We have now taken the
We have now taken the cellphone and iPod and TV. He also was not allowed to go to the Varsity football game. How do we deny contact with bm? Wont that work against us legally somehow? We've also told Granny to butt out now. She's hurt but at least we don't have to deal with her , until she visits later this week.
Through your cell phone
Through your cell phone carrier, you can block off times of day when he can or can't receive calls or texts. Our skids only have phone use from 2 pm- 11pm. You can also block callers.
I don't know. You might be fighting an uphill battle if this is the way the child has been conditioned... One of my skids, when he was 12, did everything he could to get kicked out of our house to go live with her. Finally, DH threw his hands up in disgust and said fine, you think it'll be so great? Go. But you have to stay 4 months and live with the consequences of your choice. If we go on vacation, you don't. If we have parties, you don't come. If you miss your friends, too bad...
By the middle of the thrid month, he was already making plans to come back home. He hated it there. And he was an improved kid when he came back. Not perfect, but better. And the winning point? He hardly ever wants to see her or talk to her now. He realizes she's crazy...
Okay, DH told him he is
Okay, DH told him he is limited to 2 15 minute phone calls with bm. That really made him upset. Now he's called his BD a "Dick", tells us he doesn't want to look at our faces. Hates us. That BD is not his dad, has always hated him, etc. etc. It's tough but we're holding.
I often wonder if it would work to send him on a trial basis to live with his mom, but DH doesn't want to try. Afraid that ss will end up in prison like his mom was. He has no rules, no structure at his BM's so of course it's a lot more fun to be there than here. Please tell me it will get better. I don't know how long I can stay in this marriage like this with the ss.
Thank you all so much for your input!!
Do we have the same SS?
Do we have the same SS? Mine's a twin, other one doesn't look or act like him. Fantasy #1 he'll live with BM & I'll see him 1x a year for 1/2 hour on Christmas day. Fantasy #2 he & BM will accidentally shot each other & die. Fantasy #3 SS is committed to juvenile detention until 18 years old. Fantasy #4 SS will fly through windshield & die because he won't wear seat belt riding w/BD or BM, however he must wear when riding w/me b.c. I insist. I am sorry for having all these fantasies. He's a wicked kid & nasty to me & DH but worships his Mom. And these fantasies are fueled on what DH & BM have enabled him to do against my objections. Just Friday DH said, "You raise your kid & I'll raise mine". I wanted to reply: DH when do you start?
And if he does go to jail at 18, he'll probably enjoy it. He loves violence, knives, bullying. Having nothing to do but sit around and bad mouth everyone. That's all he's about. He won't ever work, attend college. Its so obvious to everyone but bio parents.
I would take away the cell
I would take away the cell phone (if you provided it), and all cordless phones in the house. If he wants to talk to her, she should have to do it from a corded phone on the kitchen wall, where he isn't afforded any privacy. You'd be surprised on how much that can cut down on the scheming and PAS.
Bm supplied the cell phone a
Bm supplied the cell phone a couple of years ago, not us. He ruined one and had to get a new one while visiting bm this summer. I love the suggestion of having a corded phone in the kitchen. I'll have to go buy one to replace the cordless.
Thank you all for your support and suggestions, GREATLY appreciated!!!