Well, I don't hate ALL of them. And maybe it's not actually HATE (well, maybe it is for SD16 given the way she has treated my daughter and seems to have no conscience whatsoever). I certainly hate their behaviour. And I hate the way they treat my FH. And I hate the way the SDs try to break us up. I don't want them in my home, at least not all at once. And I don't want SD16 in my life at all.

The problem is trying to reconcile never seeing the skids with your love for your husband. Not having his children here and part of his life with us hurts him. How can you be truly happy when your husband isn't? I don't have an answer to that one.

But oh yes, it's possible to love him and hate them.

my DH's kids are the worst: they don't call or write, don't aknowledge Dad on holidays with cards or gifts (although he's allowed to show up and give THEM gifts), reject gifts they don't like, disrespect both him and myself, side with their hateful, mean and vindictive mother on just about everything, blame DH for causing divorce, etc. etc.
I have hated them so bad and literally sobbed with bitterness (because they cause paint to the man I love).
I know they don't like me but I still want them in my husband's life; his heart aches for them.
I don't know what advice to give you, except try not to get too personally involved with them...they are HIS kids and his problem. Keeping my distance is what I am finding helps alot...

good luck to you!!

"...sometimes I wonder how I keep from goin under"

I am in a similar boat. The only good thing is that at 18, it is time for these kids to become independent anyway, so fortunately DH doesn't take it too personally like he did.

Plus he is starting to see, SD is the one treating him that way! (not her mom or whoever else she would blame it on) so its a little easier to survive them not being around, when they are not nice to be around.

Hang in there honey - you are not alone!! Don't give up-!!!!!

"It's funny how dogs and cats know the inside of folks better than other folks do, isn't it?"
- Eleanor H. Porter (1868 - 1920), 'Pollyanna', 1912

My SS16 doesn't deserve to be disliked by me as much I do. He's just a typical lazy teenager but I blame BM & Biodad for his poor behavior. Although I realize that, I still react wrongly with venom dripping from my mouth and resentment in my heart. He's not a bad kid, I just don't want to have to deal with him and resent daddy's lack of good child raising judgement and guilt parenting. Look at the bright side, at least they're teens now & you're almost over the hump. Some folks are just starting out with youngsters they can't stand!

***We're too blessed to be stressed!***

OK: you're question is "...hate his children just as much?"

Absolutely. In cases like this I recommend that you simply step back and let your husband work through it. If you come face to face with them be polite and most importantly treat them as an adult. Remember you are not responsible for their behavour. You don't have to correct them. If they are behaving in a manor you find repugnant do as you would with any adult. Leave.

Once they figure you that you simply don't care about them one of two things will happen. Their attitude towards you will change. Or they will recriprocate by leaving you alone. Either way you win.

There is no law that says you have to have them around. Dad can see them away from home and you can schedule a visit with a girl friend or a movie if for some reason they need to come to your home.

I think you'll find that when you disengage from the fray the battle will be over. It takes two to keep these things going.

As they mature they'll see how silly this is. When that happens keep yourself open to them reaching out. You don't have to put yourself out to them - just be open to the fact that they will change and react positively to their first gesture.

Remember: YOU ARE THE ADULT.

*********************

There's an exception to everything I say.

Hate is a strong word. How come u so against them and yet u don't see them so how do they upset u so much.
Is it the fact they call their father for things and u don't like he giving them stuff or the fact when u got plans it goes out the window as he goes sees them.
What is it lol?

I am 43 and have stepdaughters 16, 15 and 10. The older two have the same mother and she allowed them to grow up with absolutely no boundaries. I have been raising the oldest one with my DH since she was 12. Although there has been a vast improvement in her behavior (went from a weed smoking, sexually active D student) she is now a 4.0 student and making attempts at age appropriate behavior. The biggest problem I have is her back talking and rude and disrespectful attitude. I was raised very differently, in a time where children stayed in their place and respected their elders. I just dont think I am ready for this new kind of teenager that is a walking hormonal ego with fangs. I support this child completely with no assistance from her BM. I have a completely different set up expectations. Although I am not her mother, I am raising her and completely responsible for meeting all of her needs. I want to choke this child almost daily. It has gotten me to the point where I want to cut her off and not do another thing for her. I dont feel obligated in the way that a BM would toward this child. I love her, but am not attached to the point that I could not change gears to ignoring her completely. I am just sick of all the drama she brings. It was a peaceful summer without her. Our home is so harmonious when she is not around. She just brings so much negativity into our space and I am sick of it!!!