help with step kids
Hi, I have a couple of questions that I hope I can get some ideas without writing a novel. My step kids (12 yr girl and 10 yr boy) don't like their two year old half sister. They treat her with disdain and neglect and try very hard to avoid visitation here. I understand. Question 1. Is it wrong for me to encourage my husband to visit his kids elsewhere and limit the time they are around my daughter and in our home? She is in a very vulnerable developmental period and I want to preserve her sense of self and emotional development. Question 2. We are building a new house and don't really have enough space for everyone to have their own room. I would like the step kids to share a room, as they do now, so that we have enough room for guests/and a play area for the two year old. Also they have taken everything we have ever bought them to their mom's house, including bedding and shampoo. Step kids come over about 4-6 nights a month. Am I being selfish not giving them their own rooms?
Thank you
Umm, kinda torn...
mainly because of their ages and the fact it is boy/girl. I had my two share a room for awhile while I was a single mom and for a period of time with DH... mainly due to a 5 yr age difference between SD and BD and the fact that SD lived with us FT at that time and BD did not. It was hard for both of them, SD was used to having her room by herself and BD had the same at her dad's house. And we were all still pretty new, at first the girls did share a room but it just wasn't working out. So we put SD in the smallest room, BS and BD in the next biggest, then the 3rd room was a "play room/ guest room" for them all to hang out in together... at that time my two were roughly 9 & 6.... but that was also real close to the time BS started wanting more "privacy"...
THAT, I guess, is my concern, you have a 12 y/o girl who is probably starting to "develop" and go through hormonal moods and changes. Then the boy is not too far behind... as they continue to get older the idea of them having to share a room... I just don't know KWIM?
It is what it is...
I think all first family
I think all first family children are going to be somewhat resentful of the second family(sorry best way to describe it), even if the BM isn't resentful and jelous and making derogatory comments about the situation they still know this other child gets their bio parent more than them and I had a hard time bridging that since there were all the typical comments from BM, It is hard to get any bond with just a few days a month to form it. SD has always had a room at our home, that was our choice to make her feel more at home instead of guest. We planned family activities that really forced SD and bio son to work with each other so they did become and still are very close especially since they are 5 years apart and in spite of every effort on bM behalf, but thats the way we chose to do this and we realize that it wouldn't work for everyone.I think encouraging DH to continue visits is great but you may also want to know why it is that the skids don't like their sister and it may just be some insecurities that are fixable,as I could see the away visits may cause conflict with scheduling eventually.
There is no reaon where logic does not exist
trouble at home
Hi, Thank you both for your replies. I need as much help as I can get. We've been in counseling and have and are still trying all kinds of things to help the situation. From what the children say, the girl feels that it is her responsibility to protect her younger brother and since he "doesn't like babies", my daughter has become the dragon. This belief has manifested itself into an all out war against my two year old daughter. I asked their mother for help and she basically told me that her children were perfect and this was our problem. Also, the SD says that her mom says "okay relax, I'll take care of the younger brother now..." as soon as they return from our house, reiterating that she is the only one who can protect them and they need protection from us. It is a tangled web we weave I know. My SD said that my daughter was innocent and the easiest to hurt so that would hurt us most. So she is clearly a target. I know I'm not perfect and I don't pretend to be but the only thing the kids never seem to have anything specific to complain about me. I ask all the time what I can do to improve things. So why do they want to hurt me and my child. To me this is a problem between my husband and them. The kids just moved into a new house and have their own room at their mothers house, but up until now they have all, mom included, shared a room. So with so few days at our house, why should I reserve 2/3 of my home for two disrespectful, mean spirited kids who would rather not be there in the first place. I'm still willing to counsel but to be honest, the stress and the mamabear syndrome has all but consumed me and I don't want them any where near me or my child let alone in my home. I haven't voiced that to my husband but I'm in a bit of a quandry and I guess that is why I need feed back from others who might understand. The SS can change clothes in the bathroom, (which by the way, my husband agreed to add an extra bathroom just so they wouldn't have to share with my daughter. This cut the space of my daughters bedroom by a third and there is barely enough room for a bed). I know I"m the adult, but I'm so tired of this and I just want my life stable and to have a safe home for my child. Thanks everyone.
There's a reason it's called "visitation."
I'm probably going to catch hell for this, but...
NCP's get "visitation," which means the kids "visit" in their home. They don't actually live there. Since they don't actually live there, should we really feel obligated to provide them with their "own rooms" or feel guilty if that's not an option? I don't think so. The visiting kids DO have their own rooms. Those rooms are located in the CP's house and part of the CS that an NCP pays goes towards providing them that their "own room" in their CP's house. Why do they need a second "their own room" at a house they only visit a couple of times a month?
When kids are visiting the NCP's house, I think they definitely should have a space where they can be comfortable and that they can call their own during the visit, but bottom line, no matter how much we hate it, is that for us NCP's that are on an EOW type visitation schedule, the kids DON'T live with us. They ARE visitors. I don't like that term, either, but that's how it is.
We have five children in our family, three girls and two boys... one of each for bios, two girls and a boy for steps. I will NEVER have a six-bedroom house, therefore the skids will NEVER have their own rooms in our home. But our bio children WILL have their own rooms and not share, because 1) they are of opposite sex, 2) they are five years apart in age and 3) they deserve to have their own rooms in our house because they don't have their own rooms elsewhere. I don't feel bad about making the skids either bunk with the kids or setting up some temporary rooming space for them during visits, rather than providing them with their own rooms, because they do have their own rooms at their mom's house and because they are only with us, at best, 48 nights a year. It would be a total waste of money to buy a six-bedroom house when three of those bedrooms sit empty 317 days of the year. Our money would be better spent having the female skids share the guest bedroom when they are with us and having the male skid bunk with our bio son, which would require us to only have a four-bedroom house. And that guest bedroom? Yeah, it's decorated AS A GUEST BEDROOM, because it gets more use from other visiting family members than it ever will from the skids.
Things might be difference for us if money were no object. Maybe we WOULD get a six- or seven-bedroom house, one for each member of the family, plus a spare to use as a guest room. But for me, and for most of us, money IS an object. The way I see it, we're already providing skids with ONE bedroom at their mother's house. They don't need two. We make sure they have as much space as we can give them and that they are comfortable during visits, but we have to accept that they don't live with us and that their time with us is, well, a VISIT.
I think it's very different if you have shared custody with more than EOW visitation. The more time a child spends in your home, especially for overnights, then the greater the need is for them to have their own room. If a skid is there 50% of the time, for example, then of course they need their own space. But for Kathleen, no, it's not selfish to not want to have to provide EOW skids with their own rooms. If it's a four-bedroom house, then you can break it down like this: one BR for parents, one BR for 2yo daughter, one guest BR/playroom and another guest BR. The skids can each stay in a guest bedroom when they visit. If it's a three-bedroom house, then then the skids can sleep in the same room, provided they have privacy elsewhere to dress, etc. Kathleen's bio daughter only has space in this one house. The skids have space in their mother's house, so it's not as necessary for them to also have it their father's house.
Just my opinion and, as we all know, opinions are like assholes... everyone has one and they all stink. I just think that we DO have to make our skids feel like they are a part of our family, but we need to keep in mind that just because their parents live in two different houses, it doesn't necessarily mean that they can expect to have two of everything.
~ Anne ~
"Love, having no geography, knows no boundaries."
(Truman Capote)
thanks Anne
I have talked to several girlfriends about your view point and I am so glad you shared your opinion. It is true that kids need privacy and a girl and boy tweens, reaching puberty need a place to change and call their own. However, they have their own rooms at their mom's. Should they have two of everything? We bought them a Wii, PlayStation, and XBox, all of which migrated over to their mom's. They told us, "the children's bill of rights states they can take their belongings freely as they choose". This is true of the bill however that is a pretty sophisticated understanding for two kids who should not be involved with the legal aspects of divorce. Did they get a copy of the decree? So, do we buy more so we have one at our house. I don't think so. From my perspective, the only gifts we give are those that they need, and if they choose to take them away fine. Computers and expensive things are now off my list. If they want a ping pong table or something I think we should get it for the house/family and they can use it. I love the idea of guest rooms for them to enjoy while they "visit". I am willing to set aside the larger room for them, we have a loft in that room and we could make it a cool sleeping/den. The other guest room they can use when we don't have guests. I love and lavish attention and luxury on my friends who come to visit. I can treat the SK's the same but they don't get to take over my house and rule the roost. I'm nervous about standing up to my husband on this one. He still thinks they should have their own rooms although I haven't shared with him this new perspective. I'm also keeping track of the number of days they actually stay with us to show him that it is really infrequent. And, I'm okay if he wants to blame me. I'll be the bad guy. Thank you Anne.
Can I ask another question? Okay I will. How do you get the kids involved. If I ask if they would help make dinner, they say no thank you. If I say you will help, they refuse. At that point I don't want to share the kitchen anyway, and I don't want my husband steping in to discipline. I just want to have a cooperative happy home. I don't know how to blend this family.
Kathleen
I've always had the opposite
I've always had the opposite problem... with five kids, I have way too many "helpers" in the kitchen! Basically, what my DH and I did was we let the kids know the rules of the house and that they were each expected to follow the rules and participate in daily family life. That means that I do the cooking, but they must clear their dishes from the table and help with the clean-up, as needed. They also have to make their beds, put their dirty clothes in the hamper, clean up after themselves, etc. And I'm pretty lucky in that all my kids and skids like to help out, but I'm even luckier that their dad is a good enforcer. One of us says jump and they do, no questions asked. I think the main reason they'll do what I ask is because my husband told them very early on that he and I are equals in the house and that an order from me is an order from him and vice versa. We had a few hiccups in the beginning, but not really any major discipline problems.
The migrating gift thing would irritate me to no end. Basically, we did what you said... the big, high-dollar items are for "family use" and not given to individuals as gifts. That way, they stay in the home. If we buy them a bike "for our house," then it stays at our house. That kids bill of rights thing gave me a chuckle. No where in there does it say that kids dictate how the parents will spend their money, does it?! Lord!
~ Anne ~
"Love, having no geography, knows no boundaries."
(Truman Capote)
blending
doesn't always work. Take baby steps.
If you need help in the kitchen from the stepkids, your husband should make sure you get it.
It has been 3 years here-------no blending yet, but tolerating a lot better. I don't even want to blend. We do Christmas in shifts. My kids come in the morning & his in the afternoon. It works perfectly and there is no stress. Anyway, this thinking has worked well for us. Hope you find something that will make you and your families happy.
Protecting BD...
I am all for this one as my BS is almost 2 years old, I feel your need to protect from the skids. I don't have this problem as my BS14 and SS11 love the bubba, but when SS was going through a jealous thing with his dad I did have the instict to stay close and keep watch. It doesn't make you bad to feel this way. You are very right to protect her emotional and physical well being as that is your job. Protect her at all costs, these are not your kids, but she is.
On the housing situation, I just posted not long ago about primary and secondary housing and this fits right in their, you may also get some good tips on what other people posted there.
I think if they are only there 4-6 nights a month, you should have one room for a skids room, have your playroom but instead of a couch or something put a single bed in there instead. That way both skids can have their belongings in the skids room but they can change and sleep in seperate rooms.
Catch xx
*Mean People Suck*