HELP!!!! My sd15 is ruining my relationship
This is my first post and I just found this website yesterday and it feel's like a godsend. Please help, I need advice asap. I have a bd8 and a fdh with a 15d and 20d. WE have been together a year (known eachother for a few) and plan on getting married. I'm so in love with him, and he is with me and our kids are going to ruin it. I don't care what anyone says kids can ruin a relationship. my sd15 is so jealous I have taken her dad "away" from her she lies and manipulates every situation to her advantage, She lies and tells her mom and other family members things that aren't true to make us (esp me) look bad. She is rude to my bd when no one else is around but can be sweet to her when she feels like being nice (when I am around). She's smoked weed, skipped school-alot, does whatever she wants and has been spoiled rotten her whole life. She has no consequences for her actions and claims she was robbed bc her parents got divorced when she was 10 and she didn't get to grow up with both parents. Therefore, my fdh feel's guilty (I'm so over it) and completely caves and babies her. She is 15 and he defends her being a snotty little bitch by saying she's still a little girl and compares her maturity to my 8 year old. She doesn't like me and I don't like her. I have made a few smart comments to her when I get sick of her shit and she punishes her dad for it, tattles to her mom and threatens not to come over anymore. They have joint custody, 1 week at her moms and 1 week at her dads. Her mom threatens to take him to court for chsp bc she's a broke bitch so when sd15 doesn't get what she wants she stirs up as much drama as she can and makes me miserable and gets her mom involved and my fdh is stuck in the middle. All of this is a result of me not wanting to give her a ride somewhere that required me to get up super early and drive atleast 30 miles there and back the opposite direction from work. She brought my daughter into it and what her dad does for my bd etc. I told she was selfish and her mom can come pick her up esp since it's her moms "week" anyway, we do ALL of the dropping off and picking up. WEll apparently I made her cry and her mom found her bawling in her mom from what I said to her and now she's not coming over any more and she doesn't want me to talk to her......lol Fine with me!!!!!! It's been a huge drama deal over nothing so the week we don't have her is ruined by her drama bullshit anyway and I absolutely dread the weeks we do have her because there's always issues and whenever she wants to do something or go somewhere she expects everyone to drop what they are doing. I'm sooo sick of it. I cannot stand her, she knows what she is doing and plays games, her parents might let her do that shit but I will not. So as a result of the whole ride thing and her jealousy and hate for me we are supposed to have a meeting with me, fdh,sd15 and his ex....dun dun dunnnnnnnnnnn. There's no way anyone is going to benefi from this, it's gonna be totally awkward and I feel like I'm walking into a snake pit! They think I'm the issue, I think her rotten spoiled ass bratty attitude is the issue and I have nothing to do with the ex.....so she's just going to be there to "Defend" her daughter.....I guess we are supposed to tell how we feel ( they don't wanna hear how I feel bc it's NOT nice!) and let sd15 know that we aren't putting up with her shit and her acting like this bc she's jealous (yea right) so y the hell does ex need to be there????? If I don't go, then it "shows" I don't wanna work things out, I'm not in it for the long haul and I don't wanna make things better. But if I do go, I won't even be able to say how I really feel and I would feel super defensive and teamed up on since I'm the issue for being dads girlfriend. What would you do and if you did go to the meeting what would you say????
I only read half of your
I only read half of your post. If you are both that in love with each other, DATE. Not around the kids. It has only been a year. That is NOTHING in the grand scheme of things. You cannot control a 15 yr old. Not to mention your 8 can start having issues at some point. The 15 will be out (hopefully) in 3 years. Wait until then to marry. Getting all involved in how she should be handled, etc. is not going to get you anywhere. Trust me. Was a SM for 8 years and now that I'm single with my own kids I'm trying to raise, I'd be NUTS to go into that mess again. I've been w/ bf 1.5 years and his kids are much younger than 15. And I'm still waiting. Not even moving in together.
Wise words. I thought the
Wise words. I thought the same about this post. Why get married when there is so much trouble already?
This meeting is HIS idea!!!
This meeting is HIS idea!!! He's so desperate to fix everything and make everyone happy! I tried to explain to him that dh, sd and I should all sit down and talk but he said his ex should be there too so everyone understands the rules and sd can't make up lies etc and also to let his ex know to stay out of our business! sd can't call and make threats everytime she doesn't get her way!....ummm she's gonna do that anyway!!! fdh is so great with my daughter so sometimes I feel like I have to reciprocate sometimes when she needs to b picked up and he's busy, I do try to avoid her but the tension and stress in the house is getting overwhelming. I'm so confused, I love him with all my heart and want to be with him but hate sd!!!! Thanks for the advice so far, I felt so alone!
No meeting. I say again, no
No meeting. I say again, no meeting. Anything you do at this meeting is not going to solve this. She is beyond talking. She is only going to see things her way. I hope your FDH is supportive of you and see's her ways. What would you do with any other family or friend who was acting this way??
I agree with newwife, disengage and do even more than that.
Here,
http://csmchat.weebly.com/disengaging.html
http://www.steptogether.org/disengaging.html
If she were anyone else, you would probably remove yourself from her sights so she cannot target you and unleash her wrath. Jealous SD's are very taxing.
I agree, he is a huge
I agree, he is a huge enabler! Thanks for the advice!
Good luck, I was in a similar
Good luck, I was in a similar situation and the 17 1/2 year old future sd did destroy my relationship. Her dad took her side, booted me and HIS NEWBORN SON back home, 1300 miles away bc his precious daughter didn't want me and her half brother living there. She claimed I was talking about her mom to her, total lie and exaggeration. Her mom is an asshole like the daughter but never would I utter that! while living in the house, his snotty bitch daughter would say bitchy snotty things to me and my bf would either say nothing or join on her side, it was easier then correct her behavior bc then it would appear like he was taking my side. Anyhow, I am out of the situation and although its been hard with a 8 month old at this point, looking into the situation, i clearly dodged a bullet! The stepdaughters are a challenge and I would never date a man with a daughter from a previous again. BY being thrown away with his new baby son says a lot about his character and that his first family is more important than me and his new baby. I suggested counseling to work on the issues and blend me and the baby, but this was his solution. In my situation, the sd lived with him full time and trust me, it sucked. She was always there! Her awful bitch mom lives up the road who spent her day driving by our house. The daughter was jealous of the little time I got to be center of his attention and always ripping it away. He felt too guilty about the divorce and she knew exactly how to manipulate him and her mom. The sd and my ex had a somewhat inappropriate relationship. It wasn't uncommon to find her sitting on her dad's lap or cuddling next to him under a blanket watching movies. GROSS! When I was her age, I was out with boys and my friends not snuggling with my dad. The two of them needed to grow up! i absolutely hate his daughter and hope she gets the worst case of herpes along with her dad! I would suggest therapy with your man or run like hell....it only gets worse
Sorry to hear your
Sorry to hear your relationship didn't work out, can't believe he would tell you and your newborn to get out! Well from what I have read in similar posts their "life partner" ends up being their daughter then the dad is broken hearted when his daughter grows up into her own life and ends up being lonely because he's let his daughter run his live and ruin his relationships.
I completely understand, fsd asks her dad to rub her feet and her back and her legs all the time, I'll walk in my room after the shower and she's laying in my bed watching tv while her dad is on his side. I guarantee if I went out of town she would sleep in my bed with her dad!!!! That is weird! She's so jealous, She damn near sat on my lap to get close to her dad at one point and I just got up and left. I've never had a relationship like that with my dad, she's competing with me for his attention. I feel like I have to fight for our relationship. He does admit she's a brat and apologizes BUT doesn't follow through with 1/2 of what he says. He did tell her whether she likes me or not he want's to be with me forever and she better figure it out.
oh yea, he asked her how she would feel if she had a baby brother or sister one day and she seriously got tears in her eyes and said she wouldn't like it and doesn't want it bc she's the baby and then she won't get as many christmas presents!!!!!! She's 15 OMG, spoiled. little. selfish. bitch
I moved to his state over
I moved to his state over 1300 miles away and after our son was born things got really intense and he was lashing out at me and being an asshole. Princess sd didn't like having me and the baby living there. He was juggling putting her first while trying to help me with a newborn. When our son was 2 months old, he sent us back home for the holidays which was supposed to be a 6 week trip, this weekend will be 6 months. He was picking fights with me and distancing himself. I suspected there was another woman and he would go on the defense. He claimed he couldn't afford me and his son there bc he got socked financially by his divorce. Well tonight I stumbled upon his daughters twitter. She stated back in Feb when I suspected something that he was on a date. Fucking piece of shit! Meanwhile he has my dog and all my belongings and our son outgrew his clothes, I have been wearing the same clothes I came with back in November and currently living in a basement looking for work and trying to piece my life together. My friend had to buy the baby diapers and food tonight because I have zero money. I cried like you wouldn't believe. I am trying to figure out how to handle this, get my stuff back and bring to his attention what I found. Every 2 weeks or so he contacts me telling me he misses us but won't talk about the issues on hand. He tells me about all the woman that hit on him and how they all want him even though he claims he still thinks of me and wants to see if it would work out. He then finds an excuse to disappear. I think I should start a thread. All I can say is, if he doesn't nip it with his mini wife, things can get really lonely for you.
Postpone the wedding until
Postpone the wedding until she has graduated from high school and greatly debate it even then. Do you really need this crap in your life?
OK - if you must you are going to have to turn your mind set around 180 degrees. This kid is irrelevent in your life. First because you won't see her again until she is an adult because you're not getting married until then. Second because you are going to be polite go her when you see her at family functions but otherwise ignore her.
By changing your mind set you can stop fighting with her and just politely ignore her. Listen nobody who knows you believes you are doing anything wrong. The daughter who hates her Daddy stealing evil step-mother is literaly the stuff of legends and fairy tales. Nobody in your family will believe her and few in his family will do more than give her the benefit of the doubt while not argueing her point.
Let it go. If someone says "Did you hear what step said". You say you're not intnerested and forcefully change the subject. Don't join the fray - stay above it by ignoring it. When this girl realizes there is nobody to fight she'll quit carping and mumble in the corner. Don't let her bile ruin one half a minute of your day.
YOU ARE THE ADULT. Act like one. Pretend if you must.
Thank you all, there are no
Thank you all, there are no wedding plans and it will be postponed and possibly may never happen, it's something we both have talked about but obviously I wouldn't take that step in this disaster as of now. I really do need to change my mind set and I already somewhat disengaged previously but not completely, I know I need to do that. BOTH of her parents give her 100% power to control the house, as I mentioned before whenever she comes home its drama drama drama and it adds a lot of stress on everyone so it's really hard to walk around acting like nothings going on.
As many of you may have been in a similar situation, I feel damned if I do damned if I don't.......If I completely disengage then I'm not being "fair", or I don't "care" etc. and I have explained that it's what I need to do for us to get any further and if I keep trying I'm just gonna dig myself in deeper. I am the adult and I have been trying to find ways to deal with this as a mature, fair adult thats how I ended up finding this site. There are issues me and fdh need to work out and he needs a reality check. e is upset bc she's ignoring him and her and her mom blame me for just being there and her dad does stick up for me but also defends his daughter as being jealous and being a kid....idk, I really don't need this crap in my life at all. I just keep hoping it will get better the older she gets because me and fdh really want to be together.
Fdh says he's going to get her into therapy bc she has issues with her dad being with anyone and they came up with the fact that maybe she's still traumatized from her parents divorce??? (I understand the effect it can have on kids but just fyi it was a mutual divorce and did not get nasty at all, quick and easy) I'm working on not taking it personal, if it wasn't me it would be issues with someone else. I just get frustrated that I feel like a visitor in my own home when she's around and the crap she pulls. If her dad isn't defending her actions her mother is, and it doesn't help her mom fuels all the issues she has with me or her dad. Thanks again for listening to me vent and offering advice, it truly helps!!
My story is the exact same as
My story is the exact same as survivor girl and goin crazy....my SD jealous and told all kinds of lies about me and threats to never come home unless I was gone...guess what...I'm gone..we are in the middle of filing....their relationship was creepy also....sleeping together cuddling, doing things like they were married or boyfriend/girlfriend. He chose her because he has no balls to tell her no...she is 20...it doesn't get better once they hit 18 and are out of the house...I would say run run run. I will NEVER date anyone with a young daughter again..
OMG I'm so sorry to hear
OMG I'm so sorry to hear this. Do you guys have any kids together? Yeah my SD successfully drove a wedge between us. I utterly hate her and him. Their relationship was borderline creepy, at times I had to leave the room bc it made me uncomfortable. One friday night while we were dating I asked what he was doing and he sent me a pic of him and his 17 year old cuddling on the couch watching movies under a blanket with the fireplace going-fucking weird! I didn't want to cuddle with my dad on a fri night at 17....grow the hell up! My response was "I can't remember the last time we did that and Im supposed to be the girlfriend!"
I am living 1300 miles away and thankful I'm not in that shit box mess! He is fighting me about our son, the one he got rid of as a newborn. He told me he plans to take him summers and all the holidays....over my dead body asshole! He said his daughter, the selfish stuck up bitch who didn't want him or me there will be watching him (As well as the new blood he'll be sucking the living shit out of) Good luck asshole, be prepared to fight me...theres no way a judge will even allow that. I agree with Miss doormat, run like frickin hell if you meet a man that has a daughter. Unless he's smart enough to see manipulation and have a set of balls, proceed with caution!
Wow I could have written this
Wow I could have written this myself !! Sd sending daddy messages " I love you " kissing on the lips ! Wtf They want to play the game ; who does daddy love the best ... Well daddy is all yours
It sucks, I wish I couldv'e
It sucks, I wish I couldv'e known what I was getting into. Trust me, If we don't make it I will never do this EVER again. I love him so much and want it to work but if he allows his daughter to act this way, this is just really something I don't want to be a part of.
BUT isn't it a good feeling that we aren't alone?! I love this site. I thought I was really goin crazy and then I find all you beautiful people who tried to have open minds and open hearts starting a new relationship just like me who ended up get f*d by a teenage stepdaughter!!!!!!!
I recently came across an
I recently came across an article from Yale University that did a study and it said that in EVERY CASE, there was a problem between the daughter and stepmom, not because they want the dad to get back with her mom, but bc the SD were threatened that the woman in her dad's life will take away her attention and being most important. I remember one day my ex bf's bitch daughter saw that my fb profile was saved on her dad's iphone before hers. She rolled her eyes and switched them. Grow up princess. My first year moving there she put all her family xmas ornaments on the xmas tree that had the families name on them-there were 14 of them. My ex asked her to take them down bc he explained I moved there and had no family and friends and that is insulting. She threw a tantrum and said "this is my house and my tree and my xmas memories!" hes such a vagina, he let them stay and said what am I supposed to tell her? My response, "Grow up" and since she live there and I don't, she can clean the house for you, I'm done cleaning it."
She also told him she didn't want me and her baby brother back there. Total selfish bitch. I hate that girl and I hope my ex has a miserable life alone bc of that mini-mom