SD16 had a break down, BD9 started it and we had to have a family meeting
:sick:
And my BD9 started it..........
by saying "The only way you will ever be happy is if my mom and FDH break up"!!!!! (She has NOT heard this from me BTW) SD16 grabbed her bag and burst into tears sobbing and wanted to leave. FDH called me in for a sit down...FML
SD16 did at least make one true statement "That it's not enjoyable for anyone when she comes over" I couldn't agree more. It was interesting, I think I did pretty damn good considering I was sitting next to two crying idiots (FDH and SD16)
SD16 says she doesn't blame BD9 for anything and she knows she's just a kid and it has nothing to do with her. This whole situation really doesn't have to do with me either. It does, but it's all about her and FDH.
*She said she is left out and every time Dad has a relationship his kids are pushed to the side
*She said FDH has NEVER been a father to her and even his own father is disappointed in him with his relationship with SD16 :jawdrop:
*Anyone that doesn't agree with SD16 just cares about kissing FDH's ass
*It's hard watching FDH be a "dad" to BD9 when he was never there for her or went to her school stuff
*She's tired of everyone accusing her for using FDH only when she wants something (I'm obviously not the only one that see's it)
*She doesn't even have a room at our house anymore
Nothing got solved but feelings got out on the table. We need to move forward and SD16 is stuck in the past, she can't tell us what she wants or needs emotionally because she doesn't know. She went on and on about how no one is there for her and she got pushed aside for his new family.
I let her and dad hash it out but said my piece and probley spoke more for FDH then I should have but he sat there hanging his head so I piped up and said.....
*She feel's like the outsider and uses that as victim status- I'm the outsider too and I'm no victim GET OVER IT
*I have nothing to say about your father's past relationships but in OUR relationship we have gone out of our way, above and beyond to include you and make you not feel excluded, you shit on us, cancelled, ditched us and left us hanging time and time again.
*FDH wants to and tries to have a relationship with her, she only "tries" when it's convenient for her
*FDH corrected her and was upset she accused him of never being there for her
*I explained things change over time and she can't blame me for things I had nothing to do with and it's not fair that she's holding resentment against me and BD9 because she can't get over the divorce when she was 9
*WE are here to support her and want her to succeed but will not playher games. She needs to accept it for what it is and everyone has a piece in making this lended family work- either it can be really hard or bearable but FDH and I are concrete solid and nothing is going to change that.
*Her and her mom intentionally leave FDH out of anything school related and then crucify him for never being there or showing up when he finds out about it after the fact
* Quit crying about your room, you haven't spent the night since last year on Christmas eve. That was MY $2000 bed you were sleeping on. Please believe I'm going to move it to my bio's room. That is the only thing that got taken apart in her room a few months ago.
There was a lot more, too much to write but you get how it went.
FDH and her are gonna do her room this weekend- bet she still won't stay over but FDH thinks we are all renewed and everything is going to change now :?
WHATEVER!
If all the attention isn't on SD16 then she cries and pulls this shit to get it all on her. She knows how to pull daddy's heart strings.
She knows where I stand and I see right through her games. She cries victim and FDH just wants to see her. I'm sure nothing will change but it did feel a little good to tell her she's full of shit! }:)
I did not allow BD9 to participate in this "meeting" it's all way over her head.
Then I left them at the table and went to my nail appt- ugh! Gave me a headache
I'm glad everybody got to air
I'm glad everybody got to air their feelings out. And I'm glad SD said what she did about BD9. That gives me some hope for SD.
There is something FDH can do about one of the items you listed:
"*Her and her mom intentionally leave FDH out of anything school related and then crucify him for never being there or showing up when he finds out about it after the fact"
Schools have websites, which have event calendars and teachers' contact information. He needs to ask SD who her teachers are, mail the school a copy of the CO and start trying to email them regularly. He needs to check out her school's website's events calendar to find out when and where events are being held so he can make time to go to them. He needs to say to SD (and often) "Hey SD, remember the chat we had? I would really love to be able to attend your events more, please tell me when and where they are. I love you very much and want to improve things with you."
I have suggested this many
I have suggested this many times to FDH and even signed him up for the schools parent portal- it didn't work.
FDH is now calling to talk to SD16 many times a day and texting her as well so she feels "loved" by him..........
Their relationship is f'd up on both of their parts
^^ This is what I have been
Did you call her a
Did you call her a whambulance !!!!
Your volcano erupted ~ now do we ask her to bend over so you can kiss her bright white ass. Now the guilt trip will start
That statement bothers me so
That statement bothers me so badly " new family" ~ you chose to alienate yourself not us. You said you would never come back to this house ~ and I completely ok with that statement. Don't expect me to ever waiver on that statement. I will respectfully honor that for you.
Winning ~ cause I got tiger blood. Lol
Exactly, she denied she she
Exactly, she denied she she has any issues with the past but literally all the issues she brought up had to do with before me. Her and her dad need to work on things......leave me out
OMG, I also have a SDstb16
OMG, I also have a SDstb16 who has been pulling the “feels like an outsider”, “feels like she’s being pushed out of the house”, etc….wah, wah, wah. It makes me want to vomit. I want to say kid, you’re the one who chooses not to come over here, you’re the one who only visits your dad when you want something, so YOU are the one pushing yourself out!!!
It's funny that the kids make
It's funny that the kids make decisions to not engage w their fathers. I just thought if something ~ they have their trantrum where they don't want to come over ~ fathers respect their wants n because they don't call 30 to 40 times wondering where they are n when they are coming over.
Please give me batteries for your crystal ball plz !!!
Exactly!! My SD has been
Exactly!! My SD has been over 2 nights this week. Last night I found out she will be there tonight. Then later something was mentioned about DH taking her to softball pitching practice tonight. LIGHTBULB!!! THAT explains why she's been coming around...she wants something.
EVERYTIME! It's a cycle, she
EVERYTIME! It's a cycle, she starts to come around when she wants something. It's always a ride, gifts (christmas is coming up as well) ot she wants to drive and FDH never tells her no
Here's a question I ponder ~~
Here's a question I ponder ~~
As kids get older they dwindle their time with parents so they can explore their social independence. So they don't spend time w Dad ~ they spend it w friends/bf. While Dads hold their tails wanting to spend time with SD. He started to realize that she was growing up ~ n didn't need him for rides ~ had friends w cars. Only needed him for ATM purposes. Then when SD didn't have a packed social calendar would come around ~ so of course the SD is gonna feel like she is missing things. Am I wrong thinking this way ???
No I agree, but here's the
No I agree, but here's the thing. SD seems so confused. She cries about issues with dad, says there is not issues with mom- fine. She works, and has a boyfriend. When he asked her why can't she hang out here like she hangs out at her moms, she said she in never at her moms. She's at her boyfriends house because it's the only place they have a "real" family and it's not chaotic...???? But she also hates his mom and hates their rules they have for BF.
NOTHING CAN MAKE THIS GIRL HAPPY! Nothing
This girl is a walking contradiction. I get she's a teen but she doesn't even know what she wants and she starts drama over EVERYTHING
It's scary for a
It's scary for a non-custodial parent who lives in constant fear of the kid turning against them and never coming over at all.
It's extra scary to discipline a kid (or as in this case call their bluff) under these circumstances. But I believe its better to do that and 'lose' a kid for a few years as normally they'll come around once they are over their adolescence - usually by age 25.
As long as you're telling the truth and not saying things just to hurt I'd continue the way you went this time around. "There will be no bullshit while I'm present".
Couldn't agree more with
Couldn't agree more with Orange County Ca, believe me I know from experience!
I find it interesting that your sd commented that no one is happy when she comes over. Why did she say that? I'm sure it's true too LOL but what is making her feel this way?
This is almost exactly the same situation I faced with my H's eldest daughter back when she was 18. She pulled the same crap. Crying, temper tantrums, "dad doesn't love me anymore" routine.
She would tell all this stuff to MIL (H's mother) who would of course get involved and start offering suggestions such as everyone making a big effort with H's daughter. Pay tons of attention to her, treat her out to all sorts of places, make sure she feels special and loved, etc.. etc...
In other words, just like your situation with your SD - kiss her ass
I can tell you it did not work one bit
H's daughter got worse and worse, more rude to H and hostile to me, she built up to the point of giving H an ultimatum - her or me. And she also made everyone in H's family who dared to be nice to me feel her wrath and disengagement from her too
H's daughter not only was working at destroying H's relationship with me but tearing his entire family apart over it
It literally got to the point where I told H maybe I should just leave/we should break up. It was the only way to save his relationship with his daughter and his family's relationship with her. I didn't want the stress of feeling everyone would feel it was my fault that H's daughter walked out of their lives.
It was actually H that said to me "and then what, we go through this again with the next woman I see?"
H called his daughter's bluff. He told her that I was good for him and good to her and he would not dump me simply based on the fact she was having a jealous temper tantrum
So....H's daughter then made us pay for it for the next few years where she refused to step foot in our house, we did see her at family events but she was rude to H and openly hostile and disrespectful to me
So....we disengaged from her
Guess what? She turned around. Or seemingly for the next few years
Sadly she did play this card again a few years later...I don't know, maybe she got bored during the 'good' years when there was no conflict and we all seemed to be getting along just great
She kept up the disengaged card again for a few years but now is back to pretending to play nice, but of course she isn't really and keeps the games up
I think you're in a long haul for this one but I really think you and your H need to stand up to her. As long as she is treated with love and consideration which I'm sure she is, your H needs to not allow her to manipulate this situation
This is exactly what I'm
This is exactly what I'm doing. I'm not dealing with the crap. We are not rolling out the red carpet every time she decides to grace us with her presence. I just feel frustrated because I'm trying to see that she is at a difficult age and hard situation but she manipulates and starts shit EVERYTIME she comes so the spotlight is on her. I'm just over it. FDH has come a long way but he has a long way to go. WE agree on everything and talk about how we are gonna handle things and then as soon as she's around and he see's her he gets all wishy washy and seems to forget what we talked about..........Then I get frustrated and it's just a never ending cycle.
Therapy is helping. I seriously recommend anyone in this situation see a good therapist who specializes in blended families
I hope it gets better! If
I hope it gets better! If you're comfortable sharing your therapist's perspective, I'd be interested to know his/her advice