He CAN'T or WON'T see it - lying stepdaughter
Hi All
This is my first post. I am glad I found this site. I thought I was going to lose my mind.
Quick intro...I am a bio mom to two young daughters (8 & 6). Just recently my husband's 18 year old daughter has moved in with us. Same old story, the paycheck, um, I mean child support payments have ended so her mom has no use for her anymore. We tried for 10 years to get custody (that's a whole other movie of the week!).
Now, she is in our house. She lies to her dad about everything!..where she is going, where she has been, what she needs money for, etc...
She just graduated high school with excellent grades but no plans. I cannot totally blame her for that as she had no direction from "home". We got her enrolled in community college for the fall. She only signed up for 2 classes! She doesn't have a job. She says she is looking for one. I have tried to convince my husband that being at the mall on a Saturday night is not looking for a job! He believes her! He was looking for a used Honda for her. I finally convinced him to let her drive our older Toyota Camry (we know where the mileage came from). Now she is little miffed that she is not getting a Honda Civic. Well too bad, so sad! Beggars can't be choosey! She has told my husband that she takes dance classes that start at 9:00 pm at night! OMG - could it hit him in the head any harder? If I did not have young kids I would follow her at night! I am actually thinking of having one of my friends follow her one night. She gets in around 2:00 am. Can you spell RAVE party?
My question...what else can I do to convince him? I look like the evil step mother pointing out all these inconsistencies all the time.
I cannot stand lying! I am trying to raise two little HONEST girls who are sponges and absorb everything around them. I am at my wits end.
It's Daddy Goggles, M2JG
JamaicanMeCrazy
DISNEY LIED...THERE IS NO 'HAPPILY EVER AFTER'
First, welcome to ST - you've come to the right place as there are several of us on this board who are in similiar situations as yours. Unfortunately, it appears your DH is blind to his angel's lies and deceptions, and until he takes the goggles off, you're fighting an uphill battle. My SD17 & SD22 have DH (and his family) so buffaloed into believing everything that comes out of their mouths, it's digusting. DH has no idea where SD17 goes,what she's up to, how late she's out, who her friends are, or even what her grades are in school - I cannot even imagine not knowing the details of my minor child's life, but hey, she's not my kid. (She also thankfully, lives with my in-laws).
My only advice to you would be cover your butt, keep a detailed journal if necessary for your own protection and let DH deal with her. Since you have two young girls who are no doubt seeing what their "sister" does and usually with no repercussions, it's important that you continue to stress to them how important honesty and communication is - it'll be tough because kids learn more from example than words. I've told my DH that when SD17 graduates next May (she'll already be 18 next month)or should she choose to drop out before she graduates,the money is cut off - she either gets a job or goes to live with her BM or b/f, or if the grandparents will allow it, she can stay on with them, but I'm done paying her bills.
Good luck to you -
Losing battle
I feel for you with your DH and SD. I have a SD 20 years old. She will lie about everything and then my DH will say he believes everything she tells him..So I ask...:if she isnt lying, then it must be me".. I have had several incidences with SD, rolling the eyes and making faces at me .. Mind you! The faces are made when Dad isnt looking..... I have had her belittle me to the extremes and be so disrespectful towards me.. The last lie was she posted sick things over the internet and when I got an email from her being so rude, I told my DH. He then called his daughter and asked!!!!! her if she did that.. Her words were "NOOOO DAD!"
And he believed her! I wash my hands of her, I will not go anywhere she is, as I do not need the problems with a deceitful witch... He believes her, then he deals with her.....I have to say that my relationship with DH is very strained. I truly believe that some men do not see their daughter's attitude towards a new wife and the daughters do not like the idea of Dad having a new wife. This brat will not destroy me, I wipe my hands of her
I am in a similar boat
I am in a similar boat lizdel. Not that age has ever been that big of a deal but my SS will be 18 in a week and I am 26. My H is 41. He just yesterday told me that he shouldn't have to clean the bathroom because he is never here anyway. I asked him 4 times and he said he would do it later. I then went and got his father and it escalated and my H ended up throwing all of his stuff into trash bags. Today everything is "just fine" I never recieved an apology from my SS and he was told to put all his things away. Hmmmm as the story continues.....All I know is that I would have no problems helping my SS out if he gave a dang about his future. He says the jobcorp is "too much work" he can't go to the army and thinks that hanging out for 6 days out of the week then coming home to catch up on sleep is how things should be. My H gets on his ass about all of this but then never completely follows threw. I have said 18 living here will be a fulltime job, etc etc. and I just feel like his birthday being next week and there are no plans for him to move out and no full time job in sight I am at a loss and extremely frustrated! ANY ADVICE?? A friend of mine had said just keep nice with my H and he is seeing the light and will become even more on my page. Hmmm easier said then done as well.
Treat her as an adult.
When your kids see her doing something you don't want them to emulate tell them that she is not a girl anymore. As an adult she can make mistakes and no one can stop her. Your job as their mother is to make sure they don't make mistakes so you are going to teach them the right thing to do. That's what you tell children when adults mis-behave.
As for Dad - quit trying to convince him that his little girl could be so sneaky. He already knows.
Then start treating his daughter as an adult. Adults, if they want to live in your home, pay rent. Whatever is fair for renting a room with bathroom and kitchen privledges that prevails in your neighborhood. Look in the paper or whatever.
The ONLY alternative to paying rent is FULL TIME college attendance with adequate grades. Where I come from if she doesn't maintain her grade level she'll be tossed out of college. If its the same there then you don't have to see the report card other than to make sure she's actually a registered full time student.
Tread lightly on confirming she's a registered student. It will involve her leaving home five days a week full time and you can easily follow her to school if indeed she's registered.
If she doesn't live up to those simple rules then as 50/50 partner in the home in which either partner has veto power as to who lives in the home you toss her out.
No argueing - no correcting - no running around behind her. She either lives by the house rules or goes. That's how big girls live.
Given those options my step-daughters were out on her own before the summer was over after graduation. One right out of high school the other right out of college.
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There's an exception to everything I say.