I am a first time poster here although I have been visiting and benefiting from these forums for about a year. Aound the time things in my household really started to shift with my 13yo SD. Often what I learn when I visit is things are really not that bad and lots of what is going on can be chalked up to classic teenage girl drama. Literally...her menses arrived about a year ago and it was like a light switch turned off in her brain.   The problem is that I seem to bear the brunt of her teenage angst and anger. And I GET IT! When I came into her life, at 11yo everything changed. Her mom and dad separated when she was 1yo so she has never known a 2 parent household and life was always just her and Dad (well and her older brother but that is a whoooooole other story). She had a good attitude when we first moved in together. She and I genuinely enjoyed each others company and had lots in common to buid a relationship on. There was a lot of jealousy on her part, typical behavious aimed at trying distract Dad's attention and lots of clingyness. I found this annoying but understood it to be normal part of blending families so I just gave them a lot space to breathe when they moved in with me 2 years ago. I acted like a fly on the wall and observed their family dynamics, fitting in where it felt right, supporting my SO more than parenting, building a relationship with SD and keeping a lot of thoughts to mysef. Cause we alllll know what its like looking in on another's parent-child dynamic...so easy to see the dysfunction..vs being in our own blindspots. So ya...there were some big red flags with the parenting she was receiving (more not receiving), largey complicated by biomom looking to make SO and I the "bad" parents,undermining every effort of ours to create boundaries and routine and spreading toxicity and hate. SD is supposed to spend every other weekend and one night a week with BM, the rest of the time with us. Of course there is no real schedule though. She WORKS it!  For her benefit. To get out of chores, to avoid consequences. We have literally given up trying to create boundaries. Doing so only sends her running to mom saying how horrible we are. The last major blow up we had in the household was over a hamburger. We made burrittoes for supper. She wanted takeout. We said no. She ran to Mom and didn't return for a week.

It has taken 2 years for me to see clearly what I have signed up for. I was so naieve about how this would go! It breaks my heart to say it but SD has become a horrible troll of a human over the past year and she is especially horrible to me. I haven't had a positive or pleasant interaction with her in 6 months. Typically she ignores me, rudely and blatently. And when I keep at her to try to get a response, she will snap and yell at me.  She is kind to Dad when it pleases or benefits her but otherwise is holed up in her room, slamming doors and stomping feet just to make sure we dont forget how mad she is, being disagreeable with just about everything. Again...pretty typical teen behaviour...im just really worried its only going to get worse since SO is so powerless as a parent. He is afraid he is going to lose her if he sets household boundaries and expectations. He essentialy lost his son for setting boundaries when he turned off the internet due to excessive gaming and poor grades. SS ran to mom and and its been over 3 year since they talked. SS 21 has barely left his room since, does not have a job, and hasn't even graduated high school. I can't help but feel that SD is headed in the same direction and I really don't know if I am strong enough to be that person. I love my SO, we have great chemistry, shared values and hobbies...it is a dream when it is just us. I just don't know if I can take the heat. I dont know if i can live for another 5(+?) years with a human who actively hates me. I am a really sensitive and empathic person. I literally feel her anger towards me and have develped severe anxiety as a result. I get chest pain and heart palpitations at the thought of going home when she is with us and cry all the time. Thankfully I can talk to my SO about this. He knows his kid can be an a**hole and will say it himself. He also stands up for me when she is blatently rude to me in front of him. But he gets burnt out too and has failed to have my back a few times. Thats when I really fall apart and wonder why I am doing all this. I want to be a person who can take the heat from a bratty teenager! I don't want to let her ruin my love for her father. Please help me find the strength. Thanks for listening.