I have a 16 yr. old SD and she went thru this and may again for all I know. You cannot be held hostage to her terms. If she does come feeling this way, she will make everyone miserable including your daughter. She has to reject someone in order to define herself, to learn to stand on her own, and trust me you want that.

She will come back around if you don't make it too big of a deal, even thought I know it hurts. Kids can really hurt you, without even noticing, I guess you know and I am sorry.

"Fortune favors the brave" - Virgil

I got the t-shirt. BTDT, Its a bumpy ride let me tell you. She was in and out of our lives from the time that she was 15 until 25. When she was 25 she came back and stayed. It's the process that we had to go through, but after all this time she and her dad are close and that is great for all of us.

bf went to his lawyer, lawyer suggested writing a letter to bm demanding his visitation rights. bm had to send sd back to us or she would be in defiance of the court order of 50/50 placement. things were really good at first and she brought her grades up to "b" honor roll. in order for the courts to change the placement, bm has to prove our home is not good for sd. and bm is trying to do this, you should see all of the lies she has drafted up for the courts - completely ridiculous. we have an excellent lawyer (expensive though) so I don't think they will listen to bm. we also had to hire a guardian ad litem for sd cost $1000 and that cost could go up when the family study begins. I wish I would not have married a man with kids.

everyone how can I start it does get better.???? well I think it does.lol
I have a 17 year old which is mine and a 19year old step daughter.
when both were 16 Sammy my step daughter the oldest ran away cos her friends told her you can do whatever you want now so she did.
she moved into a hostel for girls and the rules where hard. big smiles on my face now.
but we kept an eye on her and tried to let her find out the hard way. it worked she was back in under 3 months thank god and still here life is good. I’m skint all the time but she is safe.
NOW
the other one that’s different
she was and sometimes still is a cow. one day the 2 girls had a fight like 2 sisters do and the little one got Sammy and her mother arrested Sammy for hitting her and her mother for slapping her in the face cos she told her to f...k right off and I’m keeping that nice now.
right I came in from work the wife and step daughter locked up and her smiling like a Cheshire cat. what could I do but to kick her out and said don’t come back till your grown up.
she stayed from friends to friends for 3 months. it hurt like hell but you can’t give in.
in the end she came back. dad can I come home please...first I said NO and kicked her back out. left it for a day then back she came tail between her legs crying that’s
when you know you’re a dad and you can’t say no.
it’s been 2 years now round about. life is good I’m bald skint and fat. joke sorry.
my step daughter who is 19 now has just asked me to adopt her proper. now I’m over the moon.
what I’m saying is it does get better just don’t give in and don’t lose hope.

Let us know how it works out. We are in the same boat with SD14. She no longer wants to be here since DH won't let her have a boyfriend. Good luck. We are in process now with the lawyers. We are giving her up, but it still has to be done the right way. I am just ready for her to go. She makes the whole house on edge.

Ha...this makes me chuckle...not only does 14yo SS say he wants to "live with his dad" but BM also tries to tell DH that he "has to take him" and...well...I wont even let that kid have his VISITS at my house, so...living here? LOL No effing WAY. And that's what DH tells BM and his son. DH gets mad at me sometimes for it, but I dont care. I told him when that kid was 6 and he didnt want my input, that I will NOT clean up their mess when he's a teen...and here we are. Gosh I hate being right all the time.

I think you are lucky I wish my SD 14 didn't want to be here - there is peace, love and harmony in my house when she is not here and misery when she is - I wish her back to her mothers and she can borrow the broom to fly back on

Dad needs to go to BMs with the Sherrif in tow and pick her up for his visitations ...... EVERY TIME!

The visitation is not her's it is her father's. He should enforce his visitation regardless of whether SD wants to come or not and drag her kicking and screaming if that is what he has to do.

Just my thoughts of course.

Best regards.

Jen25... The best thing I think you can do is to keep the door open for your SD, but let her sort this one out.

SD over here used to hate visiting with her mom and we would make her go. And then she would be miserable. She would barely talk to her mom, and just all around did not want to be there.

Now, fast forward 1 year plus and she's more willing to see her mom. It's not where it should be, but it's better. And if you knew how bad it was for us before with SD / BM.. you would understand how big of a step this is for her!

I think you and your DH should continue to at least call and talk to SD, and maybe try to get her for a few hours, instead of the full visitation. That way, the door isn't shut, but she doesn't feel cornered and forced. She's a teenager, so I really do think this is part of it.

But it's also - damned if you do.. damned if you don't . .. Because if you don't try at all.. or just let her go, BM will pounce on that. And SD will probably turn into the victim teenager.

Best of luck to you both to get through this!

I had no idea how common this behavior is. I'm very new to step-parenting. My 14 year old step son is doing this exact thing. I'm worried he's going to shut his dad completely out of his life. That makes me sad for my husband. But personally, I'm so relieved when he goes him because he is driving me nuts! I feel so guilty that I am feeling this way. I want to be supportive of my husband's relationship with his son, but ss makes life as miserable as possible for everyone around him.

It sounds like you are doing the right thing already, you've got a loving relationship with her and made it clear she is welcome in your home, if she follows the rules. Eventually she will realise that that represents more love and committment than the permissive parenting going on at the other house. The trouble is that teenagers almost always want to push all the boundaries and when they're from a divorced home there are no boundaries unless there's consistency between the two homes. It's really easy for the children to manipulate the situation.

I also think that teens tend to push parents away and prioritise their friends over family anyway. When you're in the non-resident home it's easy to over-react to that and see it as a symptom of a failing relationship with the stepchild, when in fact you would only see them when they leave their room to eat even if they were at your house. And believe me I have agonised extensively about what I have done wrong to cause my stepteens to stay away.

One SD completely cut contact for 10 months at 15, but that was because her Dad and I had got engaged and even though he had been separated from their mother for 3 years and we had all been getting on well, she could not accept that there was no hope of reconciliation with her mother. I agonised over her absence from our home night after night. Eventually she got over it and started visiting again, but her younger sister also pretty much stopped staying over when she got to 15, following the precedent set by her older sister.

I think when they get to that age they don't want to feel they're a child being ferried back and forth. They also want to make their own social plans and not be marooned at the non-resident parent's house which may be miles from their friends. Given that they don't really want to spend time with their parents they find it rather irksome to stay with the non-resident parent and step-parent, who because they have limited access are all attentiveness and efforts to spend time with them. Plus there's no doubt that when you're going through a boundary testing phase, reducing your contact with one parent is a very effective strategy for disempowering them from monitoring or managing your behaviour.

I despaired of my husband for not calling my step-teens on their absenteeism, but he did not want to provoke further alienation. And ultimately although they went off the rails slightly and their BM had a more liberal approach in her home than we do in ours, they both turned out fine, love their Dad very much, and started visiting regularly once they had got over the worst teenageryness.

I think my message here is, don't panic if she won't sleep at your house and don't let her hold you to ransom over it. You could try to keep up some contact by inviting her to occasional family activities/outings and dropping her back at her BM's afterwards with no mention of staying over. We found it particularly effective inviting the absent teens over when their favourite uncle or cousins were visiting us. Your SD might remember that she enjoys spending time with you, and your 6 year old will get to see her, and eventually she might feel able to stay over and abide by the rules without too much loss of face!

when I posted on here on 10/14/2009 I though I wouldn’t get this far.
gone gray now little bit fatter but still alive just...lol...
been going through it now for 3 to 4 years getting better slowly. all I want is a house for the wife and I
to run naked in sometimes. not a nice site trust me. :jawdrop:
and grandkids to come round sometimes.(not when naked).lol.
people keep plugging on cant give advice sorry don’t know how I got through it myself.
I think it had something to do with English law saying you can’t have guns.
if we all still around in 5 years I will arrange a good piss up and we can have a good laugh about
all this
thanks
emailyor

Wow - this sounds exactly the same as my situation when SD was 13/14! She was also struggling with school and sadly came out at the age of 16 with very poor grades. I do not know the exact grades as she lied about what she had achieved. My SD is a compulsive liar so you have to filter through the information.

I have found from speaking to fellow step parents that at the age of 13/14 that is when the SD's and sometimes SS's stop visiting. It is nothing against you, it is purely that they have no time for you as they want to be with their friends all the time. The best thing to do is leave them to their own devices. Sadly the Mother of your SD is the problem, which is common with a jealous ex. They will bad mouth you and let the boundries slip so that they prefer to be with them also, even if it is completely the wrong thing to do! All you can do is take learnings from these evil ex's and NEVER follow in their footsteps. No matter what you do the SD is likely to be a 'chip off the old block' if she spends the majority of the time with her Mother, who is no doubt dripping poison in her ear.

Focus on your own children and try to keep the SD in the back of your mind, otherwise it may rule your thoughts.

Just keep doing what you are doing, I am sure you are just great.

What biological Mothers should do...
I have a niece who is 27 and thankfully her Mother did the right thing. When my niece was 22 she said to her Mother that her Dad didnt want to see her when she was a teenager and couldnt be bothered with her. Despite the horrible break up and the fact that the Mother hates the Father she was quick to correct her and explained it was actually her that did not want to see her Father as she was busy with friends.
They now have a successful relationship and he will be giving her away at her wedding.

You all could jsut be like my dh-and not have any expectations of the kid and never give him consequences for bad behavior. Oh, wait that didnt work for dh either as ss still refuses visits for months at a time sometimes jsut because he feels like it!

I have been in the exact same boat!! My SD left at 15 she took it all out on me but pretty much exact same situation. She said some pretty hurtful things too. I spent a couple months crying over the heartbreak and went to see a counselor. After 6 months and starting to adjust to it just being me and her father. She needed a ride somewhere and I was the only one available. So she had to talk to me. When I picked her up from school she acted like nothing had ever happened and she never left. After weekend 3 of her coming home we had the talk. Do you want to live at home again? She said yes and apologized for taking it out on me. Now she lives with us and visits her BM 20 hours a week. So bottom line stand your ground keep your rules. One day they will realize structure is better than kaos. It may take a while but stay strong. Good luck!

hi
first posted in 2009 and life was hell for me
in all grown up and I would not change anyone or anything for the world.
s/d has my name. her choice and I love her with all my heart.
now we all have moved on iv not got 1 daughter iv got 2 and it was hard keeping my head sometimes but we just do it.
don't really remember the bad times now.
but all I can say is the light at the end of the tunnel is a train so keep your head on and keep moving
it dos get better.

Why is everybody allowing the 14 year-old to call the shots. I would remind BM that it's called a court-order for a reason. Then I would explain to SD what a court order is and what happens when you don't follow one. Then I would tell them both that if they don't want to follow the court order you'd be showing up for visitation pick-up with a sheriff in tow.